Marriage...help

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blindhearted

New member
Hey. I am in the same situation as many other people up here when it comes to marriage. I have a wonderful fiance'. We have been together for 5 and a half years (engaged 10 mos). We are planning a wedding and in the mist of this, we realized that if we get married I will lose my insurance and disability. I am still on my parents insurance (loophole) and draw disability (off of my father (w/o CF) who is disabled). I've checked into it and I would lose what I got...my fiance' is an RN, so he makes too much for me to get SSI. His insurance probably wouldnt cover half my meds and has high co-pays. I work but cant work enough to get my own insurance. I noticed alot of people up here have suggested a commitment ceremony or secret marriage. I do have a minister who has agreed to do the ceremony (they understand my situation). What I am worried about is so many people know we are gonna have a wedding. I have read some of the other marriage topics up here but how do you go about pulling this type of thing off? My state doesnt reconize common-law (by the way).

Its really our only option, we dont want to live together without being married for religious reasons. My fiance' and I have agreed that it would be an offical marriage for us and as long as we are husband and wife in the eyes of God. I believe I have the same right to be married as anyone who is healthy. Unfortunately with CF, I have to look at marriage a little different.
Sorry this was long, but I really need advice, I'm so confused. I will give you my email if you want to talk that way.

Thanks <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
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HollyCatheryn

New member
I replied not long ago to a post about SSI and I'll write basically the same thing to you. You HAVE to be careful and check things out thoroughly. In my state, commonlaw counts as married for government stuff. This means that even if there are no government papers saying you are married, if you live together and share bills, that counts for SSI stuff. We had to deal with that when my husband and I moved in with my dad. We had to prove separate bills and rent otherwise my dad's income would have counted. If you decide to have a religious ceremony but not with legal papers, then be aware that depending on where you live you may have to be fraudulent about your living situation in order to make it work with SSI. I think they caught on that people were doing this and that's why they've cracked down on living arrangements. IMO, your best bet is just to get married. Yes, there would be financial hardships, but there would be no fraudulent purposes. As a person with moral and ethical convictions based on my faith, I would say that if you are doing what is right in the sight of God, He will bless you. We have experienced this. When we have followed what we know to be right, even though it doesn't appear to work out on paper, it works out in practice and we are blessed. It is so hard to know what to do, but when you try flying under the radar, you have to keep a lot of secrets and have to work hard at keeping this person from talking to this person. It takes a lot of energy. I'd talk to your social worker (they know the ins and outs of the laws in your state regarding benefits and might be able to find funding or assistance that you qualify for even after marriage) or Beth Sufian. She is a lawyer with CF and specializes in helping people with CF work through the legal system to get what they need. She's married. She gave us good counsel when we were going through the same dilemma. Hang in there. And may God bless you for doing what is right.
 
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blindhearted

New member
I talked to Ms Sufan, but she really couldnt help me, as of this time. She said my fiance made just enough over so I cant even quaify for SSI. I havent worked long enough to get my own disability. As of right now, with my health situation (not in the transplant area, but has been sugguested to begin to think about) and my insurance/fiancial situation, she suggested not to even get married. But as I discover more, I maybe giving her another call. I also plan to talk to my social worker at my CF center (who originally told me about having a commitment ceremony and/or secret wedding) to see what they think or if they know of more ppl to talk to.
 
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luke

Guest
danyell,

I don't have any suggestions about helping your financial dilemna. What I do want to say is that I really wouldn't about anything other than taking care of yourself, physcially and emotionally. If the only way for you to keep your ins. coverage is to remain legally unmarried than that is what you should do. Sure it may be a little shady but who cares! If it is important that you have your ceremony and make things official than that is exactly what you should do. Our lives are to troubled and too short and shouldn't have to worry about things like this. Good luck and congrats on your upcoming wedding.


luke
 
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anonymous

New member
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>blindhearted</b></i><br>

Its really our only option, we dont want to live together without being married for religious reasons. My fiance' and I have agreed that it would be an offical marriage for us and as long as we are husband and wife in the eyes of God. I\<hr></blockquote>

Why do you believe that this is your only option? It's astounding that people still hold onto such antiquated notions in this day and age. If you're actually worried about offending "God", have you investigated other religions? How do you know that you've picked the right God? Maybe the real God is Islamic and you're already on your way to Hell?

Sorry, I don't mean to be offensive, but it really frustrates me when I see people (especially people with cf) limiting themselves and their happiness because they've been brought up to (or come to) believe in the wrath of god. If there is a god, why would he punish two people who live together in love just because they didnt' run of to church and get the union rubber stamped? Of course he wouldn't, for that would contradict the whole notion of a perfect, loving entity.

Don't waste what little to time you do have being held back by fear.
 
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anonymous

New member
Hi Danyell,
Congratulations and I'm sorry you are in this difficult situation. I thought I would pass on what a couple friends of mine did last summer, they got 'married' by a minister in a church but didn't take out a marriage license or make it official. (the minister was aware and supportive of this) They basically just had the ceremony/reception. Most people at the wedding didn't even know it wasn't 'real'! That would be my suggestion, the financial hardships can be devastating, why set yourself up? Good luck and best wishes.

Kim
40 w/cf
 
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CFHockeyMom

New member
This is a tough one. Your beliefs are yours and no one can say if they are right or wrong. Just know that if you decide to marry without the benefit of recognition from the state if could lead to complications later - say if you or your husband were to die or become incapacitated in any way. Legally/financially neither of you would be able to make medical decisions for the other. Even with a power of attorney your families could raise quite a stink. It's nice to think that your family and his wouldn't interfere but I things can go wrong and before you know it, your wishes aren't being carried out.

What about having children?

What about the possibility that things don't work out? I know that seems unrealistic right now but the fact is that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Without the benefits of a "legal" wedding, you won't be entitled to a legal divorce either.
 
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anonymous

New member
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>Anonymous</b></i><br><blockquote>Quote
<hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>blindhearted</b></i>




Its really our only option, we dont want to live together without being married for religious reasons. My fiance' and I have agreed that it would be an offical marriage for us and as long as we are husband and wife in the eyes of God. I\<hr></blockquote>



Why do you believe that this is your only option? It's astounding that people still hold onto such antiquated notions in this day and age. If you're actually worried about offending "God", have you investigated other religions? How do you know that you've picked the right God? Maybe the real God is Islamic and you're already on your way to Hell?



Sorry, I don't mean to be offensive, but it really frustrates me when I see people (especially people with cf) limiting themselves and their happiness because they've been brought up to (or come to) believe in the wrath of god. If there is a god, why would he punish two people who live together in love just because they didnt' run of to church and get the union rubber stamped? Of course he wouldn't, for that would contradict the whole notion of a perfect, loving entity.



Don't waste what little to time you do have being held back by fear.<hr></blockquote>


Dear Anonymous,

This situation I am in is NOT about God. I know who God is and am not living in fear of him...I am grateful to him. He has given me so much. I know God is right for me. Christianity is right for me. That is NOT in question, and how rude of you to take it there. This is a question about advise on marriage, not religion. This is my personal choice not wanting to live together without a commitment and for it to be okay in the eyes of God. Not some "rubber stamp" that has been placed on me. I wanted to make that clear for you. And when I said "this is really our only option." I meant it as in the only option in order to keep what I have in order to get what I need for my health.

Sorry to everyone for this post (if it was rude or offensive), but I had to say something to Anon for this.
 
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blindhearted

New member
That was me above, I forgot to login. sorry.

Thanks to everyone who has replied so far. We have thought about kids (our own or adoption), if something would happen health wise, if it didnt work out...stuff like that, it makes it even harder. I appreciate all the advise anyone can give. We want to try to do whats best for us. Its a lot to consider in this.
 
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anonymous

New member
Original poster. I have been in your situation. I will gladly answer any questions I can and offer my experience in the situation...it may help or give you some ideas.
email me at akberrie@hotmail.com if you email please put cf in the subject line
 
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ClashPunk82

New member
I'm going through the same. I want to get marrried and live with my boyfriend but I don't know how to go about it. If we have to have just a little ceremony with rings thats fine but how do I live with him without losing everything? I just don't know how it will work but hopefully it will! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif" border="0">
 
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anonymous

New member
Danyell,

I have many times advocated for people to do just what you were asking (have a ceremony but have NO legal papers). It is extremely tragic that this is the way it has to be sometimes to survive financially. Contrary to some of the postings I have seen, a ceremony (religious or not) to celebrate a marriage that does not involve any marriage contracts has absolutely NO binding effect and will not EVER be able to "bite you in the butt" as far as benefits and fraud go. A ceremony is just that, a ceremony and it is what you choose to make of it. If you don't let your family and friends know the truth now (which is your progitive), you may have to tell them in the future if you ever apply for disabilty and you use them for references-but you can have time to plan for that and I am sure if they are reasonable people, they will understand.

I do recommend that you do what HollyCatheryn stated and make absolutely sure that it will not be considered a common law marriage. You will likely have to be able to prove the amount you pay for rent and if you pay for any medical expenses...I'd actually like to ask you a few questions off the board if you feel so inclined. My email address is division902@hotmail.com

Best of luck with whatever decision you make!

Julie
 
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HotCFWifey

New member
ME AND MY HUSBAND W/CF WHERE IN THE SAME SITUATION A FEW MONTHS AGO WE HAD TO GET A PRIVATE INSURANCE PLAN WITH BLUE CROSS BLUE SHELD.IT'S EXPENSSIVE BUT THATS WHAT WE HAD TO DO.
 
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anonymous

New member
I know you said you dont want to live together before marriage because of religion. I totally understand BUT you must realize that neither of you will be able to wear a wedding ring, especially when you go to see your doctors and while your fiancee' is at work because your paperwork will have to state you are "single" so, no one is going to recognize your marriage in the public eye and therefor, you will have to still introduce one another as "fiancee" I know you said it only matters what God thinks but at the same time, your fiancee' is an RN and they do make really good money and he could easily find a job at another hospital or clinic who may offer much better benefits. You have to be careful as well because if someone knew you that you were claiming to be married, when you are not and you tell others you are married and have a ceremony but you dont report it you can get into ALOT of trouble with your SSI. You need to be very careful about this and also let me remind you that God is a loving God, and that if you pray He can provide a way for you to get married without having to be secretive about it, afterall it will begin to wear on you feeling like you have to be careful about who knows about the wedding ceremony. God will make a way for it to happen, just pray and be patient. Also, if your fiancee' is willing he should find a job elsewhere that offers better insurance benefits there are some really great plans out that that hospitals offer their employees.
 
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anonymous

New member
To the poster who said that not getting married could pose problems later down the line with respect to medical decisions. Please note that even if you are legally married the parents can always step in and contest medical decisions. That is why we need Advanced Directives in place - by doing so it does not matter who your health care surrogate is your wishes will be honored.
 
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anonymous

New member
hey Danyell
well i dont know if this will help but..i just recently got married and i have CF, i had the same problem but mine was save.My husband is in the military and his insurance covered me but not fully so i had to fight it and now they cover me fully i dont have to pay a dime...but before that happen,I talked to the SSI people and they sent me infomation that i would only have to pay for so much a month it was through welfare,and how they decided on how much i paid was the income between the both of us...u should talk too SSI cause u also should be able to recieve some money by them dependin on u boyfriends income....they were goin to give me some but i made to much with workin and my husbands income.....not sure if this helped u or if u understand what i was tryin to say....butif u need to tallk i am here...


armywife 21w/cf
 
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