HEY WHO EVER READS THIS AND IS EXPERIENCED WITH RELETIONSHIPS THEN PLEASE RESPOND.....I AM SEEING THIS GREAT GUY, HE COOKS FOR ME ALL THE TIME, HE WINES AND DINES ME AND WE SEE EACH OTHER ABOUT ONCE A WEEK. HE IS GETTING OUT OF A VERY LONG MARRIAGE AND HAS A HANDSOME LITTLE BOY WHOM LIVES WITH MOM.. WELL MY FRIEND SEES HIS SON A COUPLE TIMES A WEEK WHICH IS TOTALLY AWESOME AND SOMETIMES STAYS THE NIGHT AT HIS EXES SO HE CAN BE THERE IN THE MORNING WITH HIS BOY.... THIS GUY AND I USE TO WORK TOGETHER AND I HAVE ADORED HIM FROM DAY ONE... ANYWAYS, I HAVE BEEN FEELING ALL OF THE SUDDEN THAT THIS GUY REALLY ISN'T AVAILABLE TO ME. THE PHONE CALLS COME EVERY 4 OR 5 DAYS, AND LIKE I SAID, WE MEET ONCE A WEEK OR SO. WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK? HE IS OBVIOUSLY GONNA BE DEALING WITH HIS EX FOR ANOTHER11 OR 12 YEARS OR SO IN DEALING WITH THEIR SON. WHEN HE AND I ARE TOGETHER WE BOTH ENJOY EACH OTHERS COMPANY TREMENDESLY AND I NEED SOME SUGGESTIONS PLEASE... I AM A VERY INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND DO NOT NEED THE CONSATANT PHONE CALLS AND THE CONSATANT GETTOGETHERS, BUT I FEEL THAT HE IS JUST NOT AVAILABLE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.....I GUESS WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS IF I GOT IN A CAR ACCIDENTRIGHT AND I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL I THINK I WOULD BE HESITANT TO CALL HIM BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHERE I STAND......I HOPE THIS ALL MAKES SENSE.... AM I BEING REASONABLE, OR NOT?
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- Thread starter pedalup
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This is probably one that you really dont want the answer to. If indeed he is getting out of the long term marriage then staying the night at his exes so he can see his son in the am is not good. I understand the need to see his son, but there must be another way to do so. The fact that your contact with him is minimal is not good also. I have been on both sides of the fence so to speak. Let me tell you that if he is actually leaving his wife then he needs time to regroup which means not jump into a serious relationship with you. For him to do so wouldnt be fair to you, him or his son. If he isnt actually leaving the marriage then he needs to fess up to that & tell you the truth. He might want the best of both worlds & that is not how life is. I think you know what to expect otherwise you wouldnt be looking for advice or input. Maybe I am wrong, but I dont think so. Dont waste your time if you cant get what you deserve out of it!
lovingBenandCambree
New member
Have you ever heard of the book He's Just Not That Into You? I don't say that to be rude or cruel or anything. But i saw the guy that wrote it on Oprah and I think it has good advice and insight for women. If a man were into you he would be calling non stop and find a way to see you anytime that he could. Granted people are busy and people have lives but when you really care that much about someone and it is new and exciting you just can't wait to hear there voice on the phone or see them again. Just some of my thoughts.
Emilee
Emilee
Emiliee I was totally gonna write that!! Get that book...its amazing. But you know what he's just not that into you. I just went through the same thing with a guy and I realized..."he's just not that into me" Its always better to me honest with yourself and back off. Protect yourself first. If he doesn't put you first their is no reason that you should attempt to put him first. Remember he is lucky to be talking to you cause most likely you are an amazing person. So if he's not that into it, I say find a guy who is. Wow, I really need to take my own advice sometimes!
6
65rosessamurai
Guest
I agree with JazzysMom, but I believe lovingBenandCambree is off the point a little bit.
First, in my opinion regarding lovingBenandCambree's comment, guys don't just call the girl only to hear their voice. It's also due to worry about if they had gotten home safe, or are feeling ok and other concerns regarding their well being. Yes, when a man loves a woman that much, he will call and keep in contact often. It is also the reverse case for the woman, so it works both ways.
JazzysMom's comment, I fully agree with. I had also gone the path of going through a tough divorce (No children, but had to live in the same quarters) and met my second wife by chance during that time. In my case, the marriage was broken long ago, so I knew what I was looking for in a partner.
In the case where the guy is still with his ex, there is something astrange in the situation, and he may not have enough confidence (and pertinent reasons) for a divorce.
As I was going through the divorce, I made as little contact with the ex as I possibly could, and after the divorce was over, there has been no contact since. Other divorced couples may only stay in contact only for the sake of children involved if the children are still too young to be on thier own.
Also, even independent women need someone sometime....living independent can be exhausting, and having a man to care for you, or help you, has a soothing feeling to the spirit.
Besides, someone once said Marriage is a way of life with a give and take, where one balances the other's good and bad qualities, and it's a partnership!
Divorce is when the partnership ends due to the lack of, or inexistence of Love, Trust and Communication. (My opinion based on experience--I hope it qualifies me to respond)
First, in my opinion regarding lovingBenandCambree's comment, guys don't just call the girl only to hear their voice. It's also due to worry about if they had gotten home safe, or are feeling ok and other concerns regarding their well being. Yes, when a man loves a woman that much, he will call and keep in contact often. It is also the reverse case for the woman, so it works both ways.
JazzysMom's comment, I fully agree with. I had also gone the path of going through a tough divorce (No children, but had to live in the same quarters) and met my second wife by chance during that time. In my case, the marriage was broken long ago, so I knew what I was looking for in a partner.
In the case where the guy is still with his ex, there is something astrange in the situation, and he may not have enough confidence (and pertinent reasons) for a divorce.
As I was going through the divorce, I made as little contact with the ex as I possibly could, and after the divorce was over, there has been no contact since. Other divorced couples may only stay in contact only for the sake of children involved if the children are still too young to be on thier own.
Also, even independent women need someone sometime....living independent can be exhausting, and having a man to care for you, or help you, has a soothing feeling to the spirit.
Besides, someone once said Marriage is a way of life with a give and take, where one balances the other's good and bad qualities, and it's a partnership!
Divorce is when the partnership ends due to the lack of, or inexistence of Love, Trust and Communication. (My opinion based on experience--I hope it qualifies me to respond)
hello, i just got the latest message to this post and i am the one who wrote it. i want to thank you first of all for responding and trying to get thru this. much appreciated! lets see, since i last wrote this, i saw him this last thursday, and sunday night/ monday morning.. i have severe mixed feelings about the situation which he lives. he has told me straight out that he has no time , he works, then whatever free time he does have he is usually with his five year old son, then he told me anytime after that he trys to make the time for me. well, believe me that is flattering, but i kinda just don't get it. i work too, sunday thru thrusday from 4 a.m till noon, and i have plenty of time for everyone, although i don't have kids so i am not sure what that is like. his ex and son live about 35 minutes away, and he has made it very clear to me that they still do the family thing, which to be honest with you i think is awesome! but stayin the night in order to be with his son in the morning and make them, or him breakfast seems a bit eccesive, but then again who in the heck am i to say that he is being unfaithful? he could just be doing the appropiate fatherly thing? hell, iam confused, but i don't want to jealous or obsessive or anything like that so i never bring up any of this stuff when were together. he treats me very well and ever so greatfull for that. we have only been seeing each other for 6 months or so, so it is still new..... confused in california...thx for your guys input!
If he has made it very clear that they still do the family thing than that is 100% your answer. If he considers him, his son & wife to still be a family then they are & you are not a part of it. If he meant "family" thing as in just him & his son, fine, but I personally dont think he meant that. All the words he has been telling you dont match with his actions and I cant be beating around the bush. Its a load of crap.........his emotions/feelings/mental outlook on the marriage goes beyound his concern for his son. Many, many people are able to keep the "balance" for their children without staying the night at their exes house or spending "family" time with the kids & the ex!
6
65rosessamurai
Guest
If I third the motion, does that make it official?
I agree that guys can do the "family thing" with the children, without the "Ex factor" tied in.
In agreement with the others who commented, I'd suggest isolating him from your life before things get too complicated, mentally as well as legally. (If his wife doesn't know, there could be some additional unwanted trouble.)
And, I suggest staying around friends for support, until you feel the confidence to look for another boyfriend.
Breaking up IS hard to do, but not so bad if you do it in a healthy way.
I agree that guys can do the "family thing" with the children, without the "Ex factor" tied in.
In agreement with the others who commented, I'd suggest isolating him from your life before things get too complicated, mentally as well as legally. (If his wife doesn't know, there could be some additional unwanted trouble.)
And, I suggest staying around friends for support, until you feel the confidence to look for another boyfriend.
Breaking up IS hard to do, but not so bad if you do it in a healthy way.
dear 65 roses, how do you suggest i break it off? i am supposed to be going to his place saturday and he is having some friends over 4 poker night. fyi, he and his wife are legally seperated because he was telling me that she got an attorney........please respond, confused in california.
Dear Pedalup
i will not sign in and i will post annonyously,I have been the married woman with beautiful kids, i did stay however and my husband did have the chance to leave, however a year later and we are still together, i have heard phone conversations that noone knew that i heard until it was too late and i confessed to hearing and taping them. We have been together for a very long time and the sad part of all of it is that our children found out. They love their father with all of their hearts and it hurt them more than it did me. One of my children even brought it to my attention a few days ago how she still thinks about this and worries that her father and i won't be together, this terrible chapter in our lives have affected our children more than we will ever understand. I even confronted the Other Woman and it was not a pretty site, actually they even worked together, needless to say my husband no longer works there and she quit or was terminated, a lawyer and even the local police were brought into this situation, her employer was notified and so was her spouse. Being with a married man is not a bowl full of cherries and what has happened to my family will probably always hurt each and every one of us. My son didn't even want to look at our family pictures anymore, Of course things are getter better and i know that my husband does love his family and this is something that i truly never expected to happen.
You are only hearing what this man says to you, you have no idea what he is telling his wife and son. I think that you should really sit down and think what good could possibly come from all of this. My advice is to wait until he truly is a single man.
Kaitsmom<img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">
i will not sign in and i will post annonyously,I have been the married woman with beautiful kids, i did stay however and my husband did have the chance to leave, however a year later and we are still together, i have heard phone conversations that noone knew that i heard until it was too late and i confessed to hearing and taping them. We have been together for a very long time and the sad part of all of it is that our children found out. They love their father with all of their hearts and it hurt them more than it did me. One of my children even brought it to my attention a few days ago how she still thinks about this and worries that her father and i won't be together, this terrible chapter in our lives have affected our children more than we will ever understand. I even confronted the Other Woman and it was not a pretty site, actually they even worked together, needless to say my husband no longer works there and she quit or was terminated, a lawyer and even the local police were brought into this situation, her employer was notified and so was her spouse. Being with a married man is not a bowl full of cherries and what has happened to my family will probably always hurt each and every one of us. My son didn't even want to look at our family pictures anymore, Of course things are getter better and i know that my husband does love his family and this is something that i truly never expected to happen.
You are only hearing what this man says to you, you have no idea what he is telling his wife and son. I think that you should really sit down and think what good could possibly come from all of this. My advice is to wait until he truly is a single man.
Kaitsmom<img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">
lovingBenandCambree
New member
I guarantee that he will be dealing with his wife for much longer than 11 to 12 years. If there son gets married has children they will always be dealing with each other, grandkids etc. I only say this because my parents are divorced and 20 years later they are still dealing with each other. I agree with the others to wait until the divorce is final. Until then nothing is set in stone.
Emilee
Emilee