Mental Abuse PLEASE HELP!!!!

[anonymous]

i know this is really not CF related but i think that i have gotten sicker since i started dating this guy. we have been 2-gether for 2 yrs now and the first few months were great. he was the best boyfriend a girl could have, but after about 7 months things started going bad. he started treating me like sh*t. he gets mad if i want to go stay with my friends or do anything with my family. he always threatens to dump me and all we do is go to his house and watch t.v. on the weekends. if i ask to go some where else, he gets mad and me and cusses me like a dog. if i dont feel good (b/c of CF) he gets mad and says i'm a hypocondriac. i am about 2 be 18 and he's the only real BF i ever had. i plan on moving in with him when i turn 18, but i'm having 2nd thoughts. i do not want to be treated like crap the rest of my life. he smokes cigs and weed and he knows how bad it is 4 me. he says he gonna quit but he hasnt and i dont think he ever will. he calls me bit*h all the time and when he's mad at someone else he takes it out on me. after he cusses me out, if i start crying he apoligizes and says he's sorry, he's just had a bad day. i want 2 leave him so bad, but i cant bring myself 2 do it. since he started acting like that, my pft's went from the high 90s to the low 70s. i think it may be b/c i'm so depressed. i just need to talk 2 someone. PLEASE HELP!!!

Sara 17 w/CF

 

[Emeraldmirror]

I would most definatly leave, I was in a relatioship kinda like that, he didn't smoke or anything, but he used to tell me that i'm sick all the time and i'm the sickest person he knows and blah blah like my sickness was a drag on his life. I dated him for 3 1/2 years, i lived with him for 1. He was always mad at me no matter what i did. I basically turned into the girlfriend who was seen and not heard. He made fun of everyone but when someone did it to him it was a big deal and if i laughed he'd be just pissed at me. Guys like that arn't worth it trust me, I even lived with him for 4 months after we broke up, I had to move out when he destroyed my car one night because i was out. If you want to stay with him it's your choice, but i think you know the right answer, trust me you may think you love, and you may actually do, but life will be easier and better for you without him.... my sister is stuck in a on going on and off relationship with a loser guy who will never change and they have a baby together, I say get out and never look back, no matter how much you think he is going to change once you break up. They always go back to how they were, I still talk to my ex, he seems so much nicer now, but i know the real him and if i get him on a day he shines through again with his anger. You can't change him and never will, it will never get better, he will never quit being an a*shole. Don't waste more time than you have to with him. I wasted 3 years with this guy, and wish i never did (of course it did teach me to not put with anyone stupid sh*t agian).


Ashley 20 w/cf

 

[Purplelungs]

Please leave. I know you like him alot...but I think you already know all the bad is out weighing the good right now. And yoru probably right...yorui mental health affects your physicall...and if your not happy that eventually affects your physical health for the worse...I was there myself...not so much unhappy in a relationship...but my dad is mentally abusive and my health declined partially because of it. I moved out and was being happy and have been doing better ever since. Although there are many factors in my health improving getting out of that house was one of them. Now that I am gone my dad is nicer to me. Your bf will do everything to get you to stay. Dont fall for it, he will just go back to the same old self. He probably has one of those controling personalities.....its weird some think if they are mean and abusive(mental or physical) that the other will be to scared to leave, the mental abuse makes you think you are worthless and cant do things on your own so you think you cant leave. I am worried that if he is already mentally abusive like this he may start to be physically abusive when you move in together. I may sound all worrisome....BUT i have seen mental abuse with my own eyes...experienced it...even had a friend go through the same as you and once she married the man he starting hitting...it took her 10 years to leave him. She has cf as well....and the abuse she went through made her think she was worthles, as if she could never manage on her own.....anyway she finally left and is doing wonderfully.
Please look at everything going on in your relationship. If it is filled with mainly bad and you feeling horrible all the time its time you left.

 

[Dea]

Sara,
I know I am older and you might not want to listen...but please do. This guy is definitely NOT worth your time. If he cared for you, he would never do these things to you. You have to make yourself believe that you deserve better, with OR without CF. No one deserves to be treated that way. There are so many nice guys out there. You are right...your health can definitely go downhill when you are not mentally well...not to mention the being around the cigarette smoke....is he worth that? You have to think of whats best for you...and he is not it! Leave him now while you still have your health...before it's too late! Good Luck and Take Care!
Dea
31 w/CF

 

[anonymous]

Coming from a guy, dump that MOFO, life is too short to waste on azzholes like that. You find ourself someone who really cares and loves you and you'll wonder why you even gave this guy the time of day. I have never understood when people stayed with abusive people. (I've done it myself with my ex)

Eric 24/cf

 

[anonymous]

It is time to hang it up with this person. Smoking alone should be a sign for you. Emotionally you
are going to have troble finding the right person's in life but when you do they will support you not
tear you down. Sometimes it is hard for people to see that we have limitations but we also have to
strive to be the best and not let Cf get us down or control us.
There are too many good people out there to get tied down to one even though you might love them
make sure it works for both and feels right.

 

[anonymous]

thank ya'll for the advice. i know that it would be best for me 2 leave him. it is really hard b/c i do love him, but i know that he doesn't really love me. i am gonna try to leave him b-4 its 2 late. besides i'm 2 young to be settling down, especially with someone like him.

Sara 17 w/CF

 

[supermanfan]

Sounds like you need to ditch this guy. There is nothing more important than your health!!

 

[anonymous]

When my PFT's went down drastically my CF dr told me it was stress related. So it can happen. If he loved you and cared for you he would definatly not call you names, he'd be understanding about your illness, and he sure would'nt be afraid of you spending time with other people. Being around friends and family is what puts the dinamics in your relationship. Please leave him or let your family know whats going on. Dont allow yourself to be mistreated because of love. His apologies mean nothing. and the fact that he has to keep saying "he's sorry" over and over for the same things means everything. Becky in Mich

 

[anonymous]

I agree, it's time NOW to leave this guy before you mess around & get pregnant. I thought it really wasn't possible to get p.g. w/ CF, but it happened to me! It turned out good for me, I'm still married to the dad, but I praise God that it hadn't happened with some guy that was a jerk.
I think honestly you know what you should do too. Just bite the bullet & do it!
You may feel that with CF you have to like this guy because he's willing to accept your CF, where someone else may not. That is just so not true. There are a million guys out there and a lot of them will accept you & love & respect you, CF and all.
Keep us posted & we'll be here to support you after the breakup<img src="i/expressions/brokenheart.gif" border="0">

 

[anonymous]

Hi,
you say you love him: WHY???

Is he extremly good looking,hanging around in front of the tv with a cigarette in his mouth?
Does he have a nice,soft voice while calling you bitch?
Do you love being treated bad by a guy?
Do you want to get in trouble with law, when police finds drugs in your sourroundment?
Is it sexy, when he thinks you are not really sick, but hypochondric?

Maybe you should make a list with positive and negative things about him, I´m sure you won´t find much positive...
Think about the reasons, why you do want to have a boyfriend like:
He´s always taking care of me
He´s hugging and kissing me
He likes my family and friends and they like him
He is interested in me and my thoughts and we have similar interests and hobbies
I can be proud of him
I like telling my friends and family about him and our life
He loves everything about me and I love everything about im

How many of this reasons does he fullfil???


There are a lot of positive things when you are living alone also,like:
-you don´t have to explain,when you feel sick, you can just stay at home and do,what you like to feel better again
-you can go out, whenever you like
-you alone are responsible for your money and what you do with it
-you can make new friends
-you can meet old friends
-you can find new hobbies and interests
-you can have a "one-night-stand"
-if you cook, you can cook, whatever you like
-you can choose the movies you want to watch and so on

And believe me ( I´m 42, female,cf/cfrd ): you will find a new boyfriend and if he´s also doing no good, you will find another one, and suddenly you find "the right one"!
I lived with my parents until the age of 22, when I started my job. I had a small appartement first, some years later two rooms, sometimes I had a boyfriend, sometimes not, from time to time one stayed with me in my flat for some time and now I´m living together with a man since 8 years.

Good luck!!!(And better kick him away now, while still living with your family, your description tells me, he might be very angry and could get dangerous...But things don´t get better by doing nothing! Better an end with pain then neverending pain!!)

Uli,Germany

 

[anonymous]

I agree with everyone here....excellent responses. I just have to say that I love this forum. People are so true and real and actually give there time and thoughts to others. It's not bull, and I am very glad I stumbled upon it.

Tessa 27 w/cf

 

[thefrogprincess]

This guys abuse will only get worse, not better. Whatever you do DO NOT move in with him, and dump him NOW! No one deserves to be treated like this. I promise you, if you don't end it it will get phyasical. My cousin's husband verbally abused her and a few months ago be beat the living daylights out of her in front of her son. Don't let him threaten or guilt you into staying with him. If he tries, get a restraining order, most judges will grant one to a minor who feels threatened.

Another, thing, all abusers (physicall or emotional) always say they're sorry, we've all heard it, but do they ever stop? No. If my guy ever called me a bit*h he would be out on the street.

It sucks that this is the first bf you've had and he treats you this way. But at least now you know what you don't want in a guy and will be able to see the signs before things get serious next time.

 

[anonymous]

Ive always said, If you have any dought throw it out. I think the point that your coming on here talking about how bad he treats you should be answer enough. I mean, you knew what kind of responce you were gonna get, Im sure your not shocked, so what Im saying is you already know what you need to do. Yes, I definately think your PFTs have dropped due to depression, and probably the second hand smoke youve been inhaling. I was in a similar situation lots of times, first with my dad, mentally abusing me for years, smoking, doing drugs, and even dealing, I was very depressed, in that time my PFTs dropped to their 50s! Then he kicked me out and I moved in with this guy in his mom's house who didnt like me one bit, always called me names and basically treated me like crap. Well after so many months I had to get on pills for depression. So, I know somewhat what you are going through. Now me and my b/f have been on our own for 3 yrs now, I have a child with him and things are going great, my PFTs are now in their 80s. I think youll be much happier if you go with your instincts, you owe it to yourself.

 

[Emily65Roses]

I'm going to chime in with pretty much the same answer everyone else has given. You need to leave this guy. CF or not, you need to leave him. No one is worth feeling that miserable because of.

Just a note about him saying he's going to quit... If he's never actually put any effort into it, it's never going to happen. Mike had been smoking for a few years before we got together. He knew when we started dating that I was not going to tolerate that. Every once and a while if he has a bad day (like when his car just recently died beyond all repair), he'll have a cigarette. But at the same time, he's been trying his hardest for the entire almost 2 years we've been together. He's slipped and started again several times. When his best friend Jay goes outside to have a smoke, he gets all tense and quiet because he wants more than anything to run out there and bum one off of Jay. But he's still <i>trying</i> and that's why I haven't told him to piss off. Mike is actually trying, and wants to be able to quit, and is still (two years later) having a lot of trouble with it. If your guy hasn't even put in any actual effort, you can pretty much count on that never happening. And we all know the last thing we need in our lives in a smoker. Besides... ewwwww. <img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">

 

[AGirlCanDream]

i agree with pretty much what everyone else on here has said...get rid of him.

in regards to the smoking thing, my boyfriend tyson was a smoker before we got together. he smoked for about the first 2 months we were together, until it became clear we were going to be togetehr for a while and there was no way i would stay with a smoker. he quit. it didnt take him very long either, this was one reason i knew he really loved me...so no matter what your boyfriend says, if he cant make a sacrifice like that for the sake of your life, he's not worth it.

all the best...let us know what happens.

 

[anonymous]

<b>YOU NEED TO RUN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION! THIS IS ABUSE. I WORK WITH WOMEN WHO ARE ABUSED AND IT NEVER GETS BETTER. YOU NEED TO CUT YOUR LOSES AND RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
GOOD LUCK,
KELLI

 

[JohnnaMarie]

Leave him and enjoy your life again!!! A guy is supposed to make you feel happy not depressed! Any guy would be lucky to have you as his own. Dump the JERK and you will find someone who loves you and treats you like you deserve to be treated. Verbal abuse turns into other more dangerous forms of abuse. Leave him and take your life back!! You deserve much better!!

 

[anonymous]

ARE YOU KIDDING? GET RID OF THIS GUY...you're in the same situation my best friend was in at 17 (now 22). leaving him was the best descison shes EVER made. shes now HAPPILY in love with the greatest guy ever who would bend over backwards to make sure she is feeling ok. he even does her therapy. LEAVE THAT S.O.B <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[anonymous]

Dump him, ...and don't look back. It's that simple.

Unless of course you want to ruin the rest of your life.

Your choice.