Mom is allowing teenage daughter to 'vape' (not nicotine or Marijuana)

[Bmateo]

Divorced parent of 17 year old CF Patient. My daughter is relatively healthy, has only been hospitalized once after her first year (born with miconium illius, and had several related surgeries). I want to keep her healthy, but mom interferes. Mom has always treated her like a "sick kid", telling her she can't do anything. Has encouarged her to drop out of school several times, and has been problematic in many ways. Some of it I can't fight, because she's her mom, and I get no recourse other than the court system, which does not have much favor for dads.

Anyway, my latest finding is that mom bought daughter a 'vape-pen' and is allowing her to use it. To me, this is just crazy. Every study I've found (very few that aren't tied to Med MJ) have said the risk is huge and severe. I've told my daughter that I can't stop what happens outside my house, but she can't bring it to my house. (We have a good relationship, but stuff like this strains it.) My fear is for my daughter's health, and I'm trying to figure out what leverage I have.

Daughter tells me she'll be 18 soon, and can do as she pleases, which is technically correct. But in addition to health concerns, I don't want to be footing huge medical bills for horrible decisions being made. I could tell her I'll leave her off my insurance, but then she is uncovered (I don't think I could do that as a dad). I could cut her off financially when she's 18, but her (non-working) mom who lives off my income wouldn't be able t support her.

I think mom does this stuff, partially out of pity, and partially due to how she was raised. Doesn't really matter why. I wonder if anyone has any good suggestions? (Litigation is off the table. Even if I were to consider it, daughter will turn 18 soon, and it would all be moot.)

Thanks in advance.

 

[kenna2]

I agree, the vape pen needs to go asap. The one thing I will say is that teenage years and early twenties are difficult for anyone with CF. It's still a rebellious stage that all of us went through where we all slacked off on medications and did things we weren't supposed to do. We all paid some sort of price for that. Some of us were fortunate to recover parts/most of what we lost, some were not. My parents, especially my dad, are in line with your way of thinking. However, after talking to a couple of therapists (different ones I saw till I found the right now I liked), they all said the same thing. I needed to make my own choices and learn the consequences of my own actions. It was the only way I was going to learn. They agreed that as parents themselves, it's hard to see your child struggle and get hurt and that you want to protect them from those mistakes. My therapist asked if when it came down to it, is footing the bill for my medical expenses more important than the relationship they have with me?

You do have a couple of choices though. Since she isn't 18, you still have to sign for her doctors appointments. Since you are still footing the bill for those, you have every right to attend her appointments and express your concerns about the vape-pen and any questions about how they affect her health. Just asking not only makes her doctors aware of her choices, but also she is there to hear it as well. You can continue to foot the bill knowing that her choices are going to affect you pocket wise, but knowing that this is just a stage and that she will come around. Since she does have Cystic Fibrosis, she is considered a disabled child and can apply for disability support through the government which makes her financially independent. Most of CF patients who can't work are on it. I was able to work on it, but am limited to how much I can make so I don't lose my insurance. Something to consider. This way she's in charge of her own bills. Or like you said, you can cut her off. If you choose to go this route, you need to make it clear to your daughter and ex-wife why you are making this decision. Stand your ground. Just know that cutting her off won't better your relationship with her. Will the craziness of the government and health care mess happening, it might make it more difficult to get her back on if you cut her off.

 

[Aboveallislove]

Hey Dad. So sorry you are facing this. I'd suggest you read Lisa Greene's Parenting Children With Chronic Health Conditions. It has some great dialogue suggestions that might help: One I can think of: "Honey I love you very much and know you'll be eighteen soon and can do what you want then. So I want to know? Is there anything I can say or share or do that might help you decide you don't want to vape? Because I want to know I did everything I could so help." Not exactly that but close and there are many other examples. By asking her questions it puts the onus on her and might hit home in a way that telling her can't.

 

[ethan508]

To win this, somehow it has got to be her decision. If you have a history of lovingly persuading her to a decision, then try that. If you have a history of cold belligerent stand-off with her, you'll need a new approach. Sometimes backing off and making the decision a non-battle ground reduces the tension enough to let the knot untie itself. If you tell her your general concerns (in a here is why I worry), but then let her know it is her decision she might come around; you know, a real, adult to adult conversation. Then like an adult you have to let her decision be her's. But in doing this you can also explain the reasons vaping is not allowed in your house (unknown 2ndary effects, smell bothers you, etc).