i come here and I find so much support, something very appreciated. I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL for the care and loving support you show. Even all the way from South Africa (Joanne thanks a million!). I will take time to send a personal msg to all who have given me their opinions here.
I know I sounded like a cry baby in my firt posts. However I do need to say that I am going through deep grief. I lost my father, a person who not only gave me life in many ways but rescued me from dying from c.f. when i was little, and the person in my life whose unconditional support was always there specially when medical crisis rose. TODAY my dad is gone and nothing since he's death has been able to give me back that part of me which i lost the day he died. I admired my father and loved him deeply and was ever so thankful for all he did for me, even when we had to live for the latter part of my life , in separate countries.
So yes I feel very sad about it and it has just made me fall apart for a few days this last week, becuase the one that followed my dad in my family member list of people who loved me, died last friday. My dad's sister and my perennial loving aunt who was a deep supporter of my never giving up.
Until now, I thought I could conquer anything even c.f. did not mean to me that i was going to die. it never did. but i see that a lot of it came from the very strength my father and aunt had instilled in me. Yes I have strength too. I have lived 44yrs , have had a daughter, will be a grandma in two months, i live in a country that has saved my life many times, I have things to give thanks for.
But today I just dont feel the same because im grieving over my most important person in my entire life being dead today. my dad.
And i forgot to mention that my oldest sister also died and its the family structure that i was always setting my foot on for foundation for antying i did, now its gone.
However I do have my bad and good days. I find it hard to be smiling when i go thorugh alot of pain or have to be bored or home bound many times. I actually have the patience of a saint, but not all the time.
I realized from Ricky123's answer, I should get a life and work towards that. Then i get mor messages that encourage me. So I started thinking about many things today. But instead of getting out of bed chocking and gasping for the neb and then dreading the next entire day, i got up and started cleaning (no id didnt eve think of the germs) and realized...I can be having a better time if I choose to do so and feel so provided Im not in pain. TODAY IM OK. So today though I have my grief, I feel I can stay more composed isntead of negative.
Which reminds me of a documentary style movie called The secret, that really speaks tons to me. If anyone has seen it , its about the law of attraction. hOw ultimately one gets what one asks for mentally. If one lives in fear, fearful tihngs come our way etc. I ve seen this movie over and over, I can see exactly what they are talking about . So I try to change my attitude, and being careful of what i think and how i tihnk, and saying things in a positive tone. Invariably not every day that works for me. Some days I just dont have the patience to think of other than 'this sucks".
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR MSGS OF COMFORT, LOVE, PRAYERS, YOU ARE ALL SO WELCOMED IN THIS LIFE OF MINE...I AM ALREADY PRAYING FOR ALL OF USHERE TOO.
Mary
