my life has gone to sh!t...

[anonymous]

life as i know it has officially come to a close today. as of today, i have given up on "trying to be strong" yesterday my doctor gives me a call and tells me that on my xrays, a small cyst or tumor showed up on my left lung. now this may or may not be a major thing but to me, it doesn't even matter anymore how big or small of a problem this may be. it feels like nothing ever gets better and it will always be this way. everyday i think about my own funeral, it may sound sick but it's true. i always think about what people are gonna say to themselves when they say their "last goodbyes" all the people that don't even ask me how i've been or even bother to call to check up on me will probably be there and of course they'll feel guilty about not seeing me more often and all that fake bullshit.

so basically, i have given up on myself. any type of life that i wish to have in the future, i no longer look forward to. i don't even care about dying anymore, hell the sooner the better at this point. why not? i dont have anything to live for or to look forward too. my life is and always was a continuous battle, and im done fighting it. i throw in the god damn towel for good. you win, you've officially kicked my as$ right to fucking hell. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-disgusted.gif" border="0">

im always in the need for comfort, from someone. even when my cat comes up and rubs against me it makes me happy because its comforting. i guess i never or still dont have enough comfort in my life. people are so fucking judgemental that it makes me sick to my stomach, i can't really rely on anyone in my life to be completely open with because everyone i know judges people. that's just one of the many reasons why i close myself up to people. this whole process started when my father passed away in 95', i was so blown away by sadness that i completely shut down to everyone. i distanced myself from my own family so that if anything like that ever happened again ( a death ) i wouldn't be as hurt as i was when my father died. now that i think about it, i was just being selfish. my first "real" love scarred me emotionally forever. he ripped my feelings right out of my body and did the mexican hat dance on them. all i know how to truly be is sad or mad. i gave all i was and had to him and he practically spit it back in my face. he completely drained me of every emotion that i ever knew.

ah well..enough of me rambling. i've just had it with everything and everyone. my strength is fading fast and i dont know how much longer i can take this beautiful thing that they call life. all it is to me is a big waste of my time. <img src="i/expressions/brokenheart.gif" border="0">

Jenna
17/f/CF

 

[absoluteoffroad]

If you give up you are showing ur weakness to veryone around you. If they expect you to be weak then you are giving them what they want. Maybe I didn't read the post right. If you are religious by chance and believe in God then ill quote this :

"One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?

The Lord replied, The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.

Don't give up. Proof something to yourself if to no one else.

 

[anonymous]

Jenna,


this is my second attempt at posting this message, so hopefully it will work this time!!!

basically what I said before, is that I cant sit here and judge you or try and convince you of how wrong you are, and that you should be this, that or the other. because I do understand where you are at and what you are going through, because I have walked that path before, and its not that hard to be consumed by darkness and get stuck lost not knowing which way will make things better......

all I can offer you is some of my own personal writings to prehaps show you that you arent the only one, or as alone as you may be feeling right at this moment.....and the option to contact me if you choose to do so, sometimes just having someone understands helps.

Tracy
31 post double LTX

email addy:

fr3ak_on_a_leash at hotmail dot com ( put in the right format)

I also have yahoo, if you want to talk on IM, and obviously msn

feel free to contact me anytime, to talk, or vent!!


_____________________________________________________________________________________




Like prince born to royalty so too was I born to a life of pain and suffering. It was my destiny to be different, to embrace the hardships that was dealt to me. This was what I was born to do; I was born to suffer, born to walk a path of pain. Born to live a life of always wanting more. Turning each corner with the bravery of ten men, and the coward ness to match it.
Happiness is what the world sees, its what I shown them. I show them the fearless warrior slaying my invisible opponent at every sweep of my sword, whilst turning up the corners of my mouth to show a snickering grin. I have dared my opponent to take me many times, just to see if he was up for the challenge. But each time I have stood there weeping; over a fight won, but also lost. I may win the fight against my pursuer but I have not yet won the fight against my mind.
I am destined to walk this path alone, secluded from everyone, suffering in silence, screaming in pain, yet trying to stand tall. Some people just arent born to be happy, CF takes not only your life, but everything in it, People cant stand to see you suffer, so they leave, they cant see your tears, so you bury them inside, they cant stand to hear your screams so they close the door.
Your heart is numb, its tired and bleeding, its scars are deep, the inside cold, its made up of layers, the layer in which you show the world, you would rather be hated, and despised then having people discover your true emotions, who you truly are. You would rather them hate you then suffer the loss when they leave, and everyone leaves its just a matter of time. You watched them walk away and tell yourself that never again will you put yourself in that predicament that your soul will be crushed, but you search for love, for someone to understand, for someone to want to see past the hurt, past the pain, and past the damaged soul to meet the real person, the person they will never know, because be fucked if you are that stupid to show them that your human. They just think youre a hard assed kunt, unwilling and unable to feel. But as long as they think that, then you can allow yourself that small piece of power that can patch your heart with steel coating, making it tougher for the next blow, the next battle.
This was what I was born to do, my life, my whole existence is to suffer, I exist to hurt, to cry tears of blood, to wrap my heart is a cloth made of reinforcement so the next sword driven into my heart has that small possibility of not piercing as deep.
I was born to walk alone, to die alone, to have the only happiness greet me with my last breath. This was my birthright. This is my life.

 

[luke]

Jenna,

I am so very sorry life is stacking up on you. Sometimes it just gets unbearable and there dosen' t seem to be any light at the ned of the tunnel. I wish I could be there to help you through it, maybe a hug would help. Please know that everyone of us on this site is here when you need us. I will encourage you to fight, I have found in life the only thing I control is how hard I fight, it may not be much but it is something. I will keep you in my thoughts in prayers.


Please keep us posted....


luke

 

[anonymous]

life can be realy crap i have learned that ..................but u will be fine!.........uv got to be, cause u dont want to be feelin like this for the rest of your days.
all this crap realy is horrible but u have to pull through, what about goin to the doctors maybe you would benefit from goin on some antidepresents to get u through this.
U got to stay positive or u will just sink lower and lower
keep your chin up!

 

[anonymous]

Please don't give up. I know there has to be someone who loves and will miss you if you are gone. I lost my daughter in October of last year and I still miss her . She fought hard the last two years of her life to get her degree and she almost made it. That was the hardest thing I have ever been through and I know it has to be hard for you because I saw what my daughter went through all of her life. She had Cf really bad , the digestive and lung problems. I hope you realize that there are people out here who care and if you need someone to talk to you can E-mail me at Loleta22@aol.com.

 

[anonymous]

geez, you're 17, a teenager...most kids go through these feelings, you are definitely not alone. just wait until you get out of high school and into college where there are many more accepting people around who WILL support you. i thought i'd be dead by 21 when i was younger with how my lung function was going down. turns out that the reason i was sick so much was due to my mental state. i had given up and accepted that i was going to die. then i had an epiphany and my life completely changed, i made a concerted effort to change my mental outlook. I was basically a loner all through high school, but once i got out everything did a complete 180. i have made friends that will last a lifetime and had so many experiences i never thought i would when i was younger. i am 27 now and am truly in love for the first time in my life. i was about to give up on finding it, but now i know that it was definitley worth the wait. i've been where you are and once you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

S

 

[Mockingbird]

I think Luke said it best. So... ditto on that. =-) Even though, I know this site doesn't make up for friends who can't keep promises or getting your heart broken or anything else like that. All i can say is, no one's life is ever a waste. Even though things are bad now, i'm excited to see what will come tomorrow. Each day is another chance for something wonderful to happen. It may be a small thing, maybe something as small as a butterfly resting on your shoulder for a minute for no apparent reason at all. But even a small thing like that is huge if you take the time to notice it. Of all the places the butterfly could land, of all the trees and plants and signs and cars and ducks and telephone poles and other people's shoulders and empty coke cans and everything else scattered about this world, the butterfly chose to land on your shoulder. Maybe it seems trivial; maybe it is, but it is still wonderful. =-)

Jarod
22 w/cf

 

[anonymous]

Jenna,
Reading your post saddened me because i have been where you are and i know how hard it is to see yourself through it. Everyone of us with cf goes thru a time when we ask "why bother anymore". I felt that way when i got divorced, and when i got b.cepacia, and at times when i was terribly depressed about having cf and what it can do. Luke said it best when he said everyone of us on this site will be here when you need us. You needed us and look how many responses you have gotten already. We do truely understand and care. We have been there and found a way out and we can help you find your way out too . You can email me anytime ~ Jinxnick@aol.com ~
I'll help any way i can. ill keep you in my prayers and please update us.

 

[Diane]

Oops sorry that last post was me, i forgot to log in<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-confused.gif" border="0">

 

[anonymous]

jenna, i completely agree with you. Sometimes we reach a stage when there is nothing to look forward to or fight for. Life can turn to hell sometimes and its not pleasant anymore. I also gave up

 

[anonymous]

Jenna,
I am so sorry that your Dr called and wrecked your world yesterday. I don't suppose that what the Dr called "tumor" or "cyst" could be something else, such as scar tissue, a mucus plug or anything else?? If they do have to go in to remove something from your lung, then I wonder if they could clear out a bunch of other mucus/stuff while they're in there and you'll come out of this feeling better than before? I need Julie or someone w/ a medical degree to help here, I'm just grasping at straws, trying to find a silver lining here instead of a lining of "sh**" as you put it.
What are you lung fictions? Us CFers are a strong breed, you can make it thru this.
As for your first love, at your age, a break up is hard. Years from now, you'll be glad that you didn't end up with that jerk. There are millions of other men out there better than what you had & life after high school is so much better, as someone else mentioned.
Please check in & keep us updated on how you're doing.

 

[nobody]

Jenna,
I hope you know how much courage it took to tell us what you felt.
These feelings you have (as you can see) are not unnatural. I know that all will turn around for you.
Life has a way of smacking you down and then turning around and loving up on you!
I felt the same way for a while also. As Luke said, as a group we are supporting you, and will continue to do so.
Our strength to yours,
-steve

 

[anonymous]

I declared my surrender many times over 20 years, and every time I was completely sincere. But it never took. I guess "giving up" always seemed to require more of me than sticking to the same old routines. After a day or two, or maybe a week or two, I'd pull down the white flag and pour out the bottle of Dickel. It seems the body has a way of wanting to carry on, as so many ppl have written, even after the mind has decided the whole racket is absurd. Still, the next time it hits, I'm sure the gloom will be just as real as ever, and the white flag will go back up for a while -- hopefully not for good. Sounds crazy, this back-and-forth, but is it? I just hope you don't hold yourself tomorrow to anything you promised today while down in the hole.

Q

 

[anonymous]

Jenna,

I have been where you are... lost my mom when I was 9 and my dad when I was 10, then I missed my 9th grade year of school due to abdominal/gall bladder issues that nearly left me for dead. But I got through it. I don't know how I did it. Today at 33, I am experiencing a resurgence of trouble with my life and this disease, and I am virtually hopeless. God, and the bible do little to no good for me and my hope for a better day. I just try to keep from embracing hate and blame because both emotions lead to only more hate and blame.

My best advice is to not force yourself to do anything. Don't give up, but don't try and fight, just coast. Take your meds, and your therapies and don't think about the past, or the future. As in my case, my past, whether it was good or bad, is done with. I can't relive it so I try not to think about it too much. My future is bleak and frankly will suck. But today is today. And if I can get through today, maybe tomorrow something will happen within me or around me that will help improve my day and my outlook. Ultimately, happiness and contentment are momentary feelings, they only exist and live in the moment. Consequently, if you don't live in the moment you will miss the rare chance to experience life's random and occasional offering of joy and peace of mind.

Best of luck.

Lance
w/CF
33

 

[anonymous]

<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>Anonymous</b></i><br>geez, you're 17, a teenager...most kids go through these feelings, you are definitely not alone. just wait until you get out of high school and into college where there are many more accepting people around who WILL support you. i thought i'd be dead by 21 when i was younger with how my lung function was going down. turns out that the reason i was sick so much was due to my mental state. i had given up and accepted that i was going to die. then i had an epiphany and my life completely changed, i made a concerted effort to change my mental outlook. I was basically a loner all through high school, but once i got out everything did a complete 180. i have made friends that will last a lifetime and had so many experiences i never thought i would when i was younger. i am 27 now and am truly in love for the first time in my life. i was about to give up on finding it, but now i know that it was definitley worth the wait. i've been where you are and once you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">



S<hr></blockquote>

all i can say is, thank you <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
<img src="i/expressions/heart.gif" border="0">

 

[jennaxox]

i also forgot to login <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-confused.gif" border="0">