How much parenting a child is too much? Our daughter is 14 and has good PFT's and does a pretty good job of doing therapy but not always. She hates to hear, what have you had for lunch today, or are you going to do hypersal or chest therapy tonight did you take your enzymes? It is turning into a very unhappy family and she knows it is for her health but since she is a teenager, she wants her independence.
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Nagging
- Thread starter Ashland
- Start date
Here is my opinion from a CFer who is 26 years old and has had a little insight into this exact issue. I was exactly like your daughter was when I was 14 years old. I didn't want to do any of my treatments, I didn't want to listen to my doctors in any way, I hated to be nagged, I wanted to be left alone, I wanted to be normal and looking back on it I made my families life (especially my parents lives) a living hell just being a teenager, not to mention a teenager with CF. If I could do things all over again I would say I wish my parents had nagged me more. I wish my parents would have grounded me every time I didn't do a treatment or every time I drank a Pepsi (I was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis related diabetes when I was 13 and I still have a soda addiction) I wish my parents would have duct tapped me to a chair, strapped that vest on me and sat on me kicking and screaming until all of my respiratory therapy was complete for a day and then some. Honestly, it would have saved me years and years of my life. I did not comply with what my parents and my doctors told me to do and I have paid a heavy heavy price for it. My life will be shorter because of my stubbornness. I began to deteriorate by 18, was on permanent oxygen by 22, was on the double lung transplant list 3 months after going on oxygen, was forced to with drawl from college and go on disability permanently by 23 and was in the ICU and on life support by 24. By the grace of God and my wonderful donor I received a new set of lungs with literally less than a week less to live and there is no doubt in my mind that none of that would have happened if I had been more compliant and listened to what my doctors and parents had to say. I have literally been to hell and back dealing with this disease and I still continue to struggle, even after getting new lungs. I don't mean to tell all of this to scare you but I would hate to have your daughter go through the same thing that I have gone through. I still struggle with compliance to this day and it effects my family, my friends, my boyfriend and most of all me. It is not your responsibility to be her friend, it is your responsibility to be her parent and unfortunately when you have a child with CF you have to be more strict than the average parent. It's your responsibility to teach her how to live a happy productive life with this disease and a huge part of that is for her to learn how to take care of herself. I honestly feel it is my responsibility as a delinquent CFer to share my experience with other CFers and especially other parents so that they can learn from my mistakes. If nothing else I want my mistakes to benefit others. If you or your daughter ever want to talk about anything please please don't hesitate to PM me and we can exchange e-mails or maybe even phone numbers. I would be more than happy to chat with either of you as much or as little as you want or need. We CFers and CF family members need to stick together!! Sending you lots of positive thoughts and love!!!
Aboveallislove
Super Moderator
I strongly recommend Lisa Greene love and logic parenting children with special health concerns. Nagging isn't the answer but letting her not do treatments isn't either. Please please please get ASAP and Lisa posts her maybe send her a note with an approach for a talk and how to handle common things after you read.
I have no experience with teens so take this with a grain of salt but when my time comes and I know it will I plan on saying something to the effect of I won't nag you as long as you do what is expected of you. If you don't just be ready for me to stay on you like white on rice. I plan on telling her that it is completely her choice of how much nagging she wants. Of course I have no idea how my plan will work but with my kids I think that approach will be the best. As I use that approach now with discipline and so far has done great. However I don't have teenagers yet!! Best Wishes
I have a different pov, as the parent of a young woman now in her late twenties who is thriving. I understand what Baco is saying, but there is a point at which nagging just doesn't work. In our experience, giving her the facts (here's what CF is and what it can do to you if you don't take care of yourself) and giving her a little freedom (you need to do your treatments 12x a week and you get to choose which two you miss) helped her be compliant while still having a little bit of freedom once in a while. Teenagers cannot be expected to do everything right all the time-in fact, ADULTS need a little break now and then, too. So I'd say you need to work with her to figure out what she absolutely needs in order not to feel trapped, and give her that amount. The fact is, once she's 18 there's no way to control her anyway, so you're trying to teach her to make good decisions for herself as you would with every teenager. This is hard, but working together respectfully, you can help her learn how to live her life respecting her disease and her need to be a real kid at the same time.
BTW, Baco, I hope you can give yourself and your parents a break. All of you were doing the best you felt you could at the time, and sometimes the course of the disease is just rotten no matter what. It's wonderful that you got a second chance and are taking care of yourself so well now!
BTW, Baco, I hope you can give yourself and your parents a break. All of you were doing the best you felt you could at the time, and sometimes the course of the disease is just rotten no matter what. It's wonderful that you got a second chance and are taking care of yourself so well now!
I agree with Calimom. Growing up, I was never told that I had to do every single treatment, every day. As long as I wasn't sick, I could miss two or three treatments a week and they wouldn't bother me about it. I usually saved those misses for the weekend, when I wanted to sleep in or spend the night at a friends house.
I will add, though, that I did go through a period when I rebelled outright, but that had more to do with the onset of my depression and not how my parents treated me growing up.
I will add, though, that I did go through a period when I rebelled outright, but that had more to do with the onset of my depression and not how my parents treated me growing up.
I have to say, I agree with all of your perspectives and thank you for the feedback. My wife is very much in line with the post from baco and I am more in alignment with Calimom. I think I needed to hear both sides and I must say baco, your story is very powerful and has opened my eyes to see into what could be our future if we don't stand strong on treatments. Thank you for putting this out there for so many of us who need answers to this difficult and common concern. I am going to look in to Lisa Greene and thank you aboveallislove.
I am going to try a bit of everything I have read from these posts and this may just help us get to where we need to be so she can live a better life. Maybe others who read this will find answers as well.
I am going to try a bit of everything I have read from these posts and this may just help us get to where we need to be so she can live a better life. Maybe others who read this will find answers as well.