hi there, this must be an awful situation to find yourself in, i'm very sorry for you. Although it will be hard, as i understand this must be very hurtful for you, but try to see it from his perspective. He is obviously less healthy than you and probably the rest of the family too and part of him will be feeling very angry and resentful of that fact. He probably feels he's been dealt a rough hand in life and although deep down he surely feels bad about the things he says and does to you, feelings are feelings and that underlying anger and 'why me' attitude will be very hard to deny or suppress. I too have chosen to have little to do with my family, although we still are on speaking terms, i just choose to spend a lot of quality alone time, this if for two reasons 1) i try to lead as stress free existence as possible (to retain good health as long as possible) and unfortunately i have a big and loud family who tend to be rather dramatic and chaotic and quite simply i feel irritated and stressed out when i'm around them for any length of time, to me tranquility is bliss and although I love my family darely, occasional and small exposure is all i can handle 2) part of me doesn't want to get or be too close to people, this includes family, lovers, workmates and friends. Part of me feels it is unfair to form a very close relationship with anybody so that they can then face losing me at a younger than expected age. I would hate to lose my lover, best friend or mother, i can't imagine how much it would devastate me (losing my brother was very very hard for me) and can only too well imagine how it will be for them when I die. My mum already lost a son at a young age (not to cf) and she has never fully recovered from this. The thought of her going through this with a second child just breaks my heart.
Can i suggest that your family get together and talk to your brother with a view to encouraging him to both a) start seeing a clinical psychologist to work through his deep seated anger (i went to one every week for two years and it has literally changed my attitude right around) and b) encourage him to give anti-depressants a go. As far as he psychologist is concerned it can sometimes take a few attempts to find one you are truly comfortable with, encourage him not to give up if his first choice doesn't suit him. Once he finds the right one he can make huge progress. We are all dealing with one hell of a reality, is it really that surprising that we might have issues, anger management problems, depression? We all sometimes need help to deal with the curve balls life throws us, but if we really want to chane and are prepared to put in the effort, the rewards are huge. As for anti-depressants, again it shouldn't be a surprise that he is depressed, he has a potential death sentence hanging over his head and life is quite hard enough for those who are blessed with good health, let alone somebody with CF on top of everything else. Also a lack of the fat soluble vitamins in our bodies (which is something most of us CF'ers have regularly) can cause a hormone imbalance in the body which can cause chronic depression - so this may be more of a physical manifestation than emotional and something he needs help with. We take enough other drugs and potions to keep our bodies running, why not another pill to help our emotions? I really hope you can manage to get through to him, the sooner the better and no matter how hard it gets if he does go through with the therapy, it is essential you are all there for him, through the good, the bad and the ugly, coz usually when you first start talking to someone, things do get worse for while, but it is all part of the process.
Sorry for the novel, but he sounds a lot like me 5 years ago and i had to reply as I am now a completely different person and completely happy - despite CF!!! All the best, keep us posted.
Kat (37 with CF - NZ)
