Our son is 3 years old, & was diagonsed @ 2months, @ the beginning my husband was my crutch, he did everything, because i was so out of it. As time went on & i started to understand more about CF he stepped down a little in helping but would every now help doing treatments etc. I forgot to mention i am a stay at home mommy, he works full time & then some. I do ALL the housework, & ALL the care for Reece, ALL!!! He may help out some but not like he should in my book. He plays w/ Reece when hes done treatments but not until then. I have told him how i feel, & he said i chose this lifestyle, (being a housewife) which I did & i love staying home w/ Reece BUT this is his child too & he needs to help out even if hes tired from working all day long!!!I guess I wrote this post to see if im the only one in this boat or not & to get some advice & support. Thanks in advance! Leah
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NO HELP FROM HUSBAND
- Thread starter cfmom2rt
- Start date
My son is 20 and I am also a stay at home mom. I have always been the primary one to take care of everything. One thing your husband needs to understand is that you need a break sometimes- try to negotiate him helping at least one or two evenings a week- more if possible. He needs to know how to do everything in case you were ever out of town or sick. He may feel uncomfortable doing treatments but practice helps with that. Not to offend men- I know that there are many many out there who are hands on but my hubby just doesnt handle things well when Will has been sick or in the hospital- which fortunately has been rare- I always feel as if Im trying to soothe him too lol. Good luck!!
I am a stay at home Mom with CF. My daughter started fulltime school 2 years ago so I felt like I had to pick up more slack around the house then when she was home. At one point I was literally doing everything from mowing the lawn, taking out garbage & mopping floors to doing laundry, helping with homework, cooking/cleaning up dinner & paying bills. That landed me in the hospital. My husband & I both thought it was good. We were figuring as long as I could do it that I was ok. The doctor pointed out that just because I could didnt mean I should. So we changed this a bit & I stopped doing the lawn, but pretty much continued everything else. Until this year. At my worst I would take 1 step & stop for a minute to catch my breath yet I continued to do it all until one day I sat at the kitchen table crying. My daughter was brushing her teeth for school & we should had been walking out the door any minute, but I hadnt even gotten dressed yet. My husband found me & asked what was wrong. I said I cant do it.I cant do it all. I tried because I felt "guilty" that I was sick & that he had to work & worry about me etc. I just can do it anymore. The next day I went into the hospital & that was the beginning of a very realistic & tough few months. He picked up a lot of slack especially with my daughter. He helps more often, but still needs to be reminded sometimes. I also learned not to be such a fanatic about getting things done. There are times that I can do more than other times. I pace myself & prioritize things. If he wants something done & I cant do it then I tell him it has to wait or he can do it himself. I love my husband & I really think I had him spoiled. However, once he was spoiled I couldnt keep up with it. He is a good guy, but he is a man (no offense guys) & needs to be proded & reminded occaisionally. I am sure your husband is the same way. Another thing that we had deal with was the "family" time together. When the weekend comes I tend to go running/visiting with my daughter. During the week is too hard because of homework, early bedtime etc. He use to tell me that I was neglecting him or ??? if I like to be home or not. I explained to him that he had a break from the house when he goes to work. When his shift is over, he comes home & appreciates looking at the 4 walls etc. I did to when I worked, but after being home for 5 years you need a change of scenery. Thus the running comes into play. I am not saying that going to work is easy some days, but at least it breaks up the manotony (sp?). Anyway my point is that I think most of us that stay home (men or women) run into similiar situations with our spouses especially when kids are involved. You just need to express that you need a change of scenery like what he gets when he goes to work. You might not need it every day. He should understand! Good Luck!
As a father that is unacceptable. If he is a real father and husband he should do it regardless of what your title is. I would be disgraced if my wife ever said that about me. We both work full-time and share the load of helping our daughter, why because she is both of ours, not just hers or mine. But both, end of story. A real man would step up.
Chuck father to Avery 2 w/cf and Rhett 8 mos. without
Chuck father to Avery 2 w/cf and Rhett 8 mos. without
Hi Leah. You are absolutely NOT alone here. I am also home with the kids and watching daycare kids as well. I do everything in the house and 99% of the parenting. (I was thinking of posting the same topic!) Once in a while if things have been chaotic, I'll look at him and ask if he'd rather give the kids their baths or do the dishes or do the laundry or mow the lawn??? Just to give him an idea of what needs to be done. I can't do it while the other kids are here and so after supper is when I try to 'finish' my chores around the house. He doesn't go to Dr appts. I know he cares and his job is demanding, but I really worry more about the kids having a solid relationship with their Dad more than the housework. That is the part that really bothers me. He'll admit that he doesn't have to do anything around here so it's not like he is critical, but it would be so nice if he would step it up on his own when it comes to the kids. I try to talk to him about it and it gets better for a day or two, but then he gets back into "HIS" routine. FRUSTRATING!
I recently got an evening job to get out of the house and 'force' him to spend time with the kids. Everyone thinks I am crazy and spreading myself too thin, but it is my ONE chance to get out and get my mind off of other things. He'll tell everyone I need to get out more, but he never gives me the opportunity to.
Chuck-you're awesome!
I just wonder how I did it before when I was working full time!!
I recently got an evening job to get out of the house and 'force' him to spend time with the kids. Everyone thinks I am crazy and spreading myself too thin, but it is my ONE chance to get out and get my mind off of other things. He'll tell everyone I need to get out more, but he never gives me the opportunity to.
Chuck-you're awesome!
I just wonder how I did it before when I was working full time!!
JennifersHope
New member
Just a thought... Since your husband works full time and then some... and you are home with the kids full time.It is hard because when you are home full time your job doesn't end....like his does..at the end of the day.... Maybe he can cut back some of his hours to just full time work and maybe you can get a job outside the house part time....This way he can be home more to do treatments and be more involved in the kids care...and this will get you out of the house and feeling more human...It doesn't appear like he is lazy. He is working and providing for the family.. Maybe just some simple adjustments can be made to fix things.
Just thought I would suggest that.
Hope it helps...
Jennifer
33 w/ CF and Addison's
Just thought I would suggest that.
Hope it helps...
Jennifer
33 w/ CF and Addison's
Thank you all for the advice, since I posted this my husband asked what i ve done today & i told him about this & guess where he is RIGHT now, w/out me asking.... cutting the grass!!! So i guess i had to scare him a bit (lol) Anyway, it helps knowing there others out there just like me. This is why i came to this site. Thanks again!!!
lovingBenandCambree
New member
Leah,
I am sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. I can totally feel for you. My mom went through this with my dad. She had 3 children two with CF and it finally got the both of them. They divorced when I was 5. I am in no way saying this is where you are heading. My dad just wasnt very helpful with our illness. I know you said that you have talked to your husband about this but have you talked about specific things that you would like him to do? Just an idea. Sometimes it can seem very overwhelming to the husband until you give them one specific thing to take off your load and it may not seem that bad to him.
I do have a question for all those mothers out there with or without CF. I think that Jazzysmom brought up a good point. I just don't understand why we feel guilty when we can't do it all my husband gets so mad at me because I am soooo this way. I just want to be able to do it and when I can't I feel bad, like I am not good enough or I am not doing my part. Then when my husband does do it for me I feel like because he works he shouldn't have to do that. I really don't understand where this all comes from. I wish that I werent so dang stubborn. I know it ends up wearing me out because I push myself so much. Just ranting now. Good luck Leah and I hope that things get better for you.
Emilee
I am sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. I can totally feel for you. My mom went through this with my dad. She had 3 children two with CF and it finally got the both of them. They divorced when I was 5. I am in no way saying this is where you are heading. My dad just wasnt very helpful with our illness. I know you said that you have talked to your husband about this but have you talked about specific things that you would like him to do? Just an idea. Sometimes it can seem very overwhelming to the husband until you give them one specific thing to take off your load and it may not seem that bad to him.
I do have a question for all those mothers out there with or without CF. I think that Jazzysmom brought up a good point. I just don't understand why we feel guilty when we can't do it all my husband gets so mad at me because I am soooo this way. I just want to be able to do it and when I can't I feel bad, like I am not good enough or I am not doing my part. Then when my husband does do it for me I feel like because he works he shouldn't have to do that. I really don't understand where this all comes from. I wish that I werent so dang stubborn. I know it ends up wearing me out because I push myself so much. Just ranting now. Good luck Leah and I hope that things get better for you.
Emilee
ErinsMommy
New member
Hi Leah... i can relate to your problem...
while erin was in the hospital...her father would come up and visit once or twice a week. however, he would never do her treatments EVER for me... and when he visited HER and he would never stay longer than an hour and a half. Whereas... i couldn't tear myself away from her. That should have been a dead giveaway. When erin got home from the hospital... he never did her treatments... he never even changed her diaper. he said that was MY job. Now... her father has absolutely nothing to do with her. I took Erin and moved into my mother's house because... i needed help. Let's face it, i'm 20 years old and all of the sudden, i have a baby with cystic fibrosis. i was overwhelmed. erin also has pseudamonas. now, my mom helps me, and my brother's help me... but her father called me about a week after i moved out of his house and told me that he wanted nothing to do with her, didn't want to see her, and didn't ever want me to call him again for anything.
I understand that your husband is not helping, and that's horrible. i really hope that changes for you. but i guess all i can say is just be thank ful that he loves reese and he's in the picture. be thankful that he plays with him and wants to see him every day. i'm sure that things will get better for you. i hope they do!
while erin was in the hospital...her father would come up and visit once or twice a week. however, he would never do her treatments EVER for me... and when he visited HER and he would never stay longer than an hour and a half. Whereas... i couldn't tear myself away from her. That should have been a dead giveaway. When erin got home from the hospital... he never did her treatments... he never even changed her diaper. he said that was MY job. Now... her father has absolutely nothing to do with her. I took Erin and moved into my mother's house because... i needed help. Let's face it, i'm 20 years old and all of the sudden, i have a baby with cystic fibrosis. i was overwhelmed. erin also has pseudamonas. now, my mom helps me, and my brother's help me... but her father called me about a week after i moved out of his house and told me that he wanted nothing to do with her, didn't want to see her, and didn't ever want me to call him again for anything.
I understand that your husband is not helping, and that's horrible. i really hope that changes for you. but i guess all i can say is just be thank ful that he loves reese and he's in the picture. be thankful that he plays with him and wants to see him every day. i'm sure that things will get better for you. i hope they do!
yes i am VERY thankful that my hubby plays & is in Reeces' life. I would not be in this marriage if he was'nt!!!!!!!! Thank you for reminding me that there is hope & I will be praying for your situation Erins mommy, Im glad you have a supportive family like i do. We have to be STRONG for our babies, no matter what the situation is. Keep your chin up for Erin she looks up to you!!!
Leah
Leah
I can also relate. I did everything before my son was born with CF but now it is really getting the best of me and I don't know what to do. I am fortunate enough to work at a company that allowed me to work nights after we found out about my son being born with CF. Well a few weeks ago I decided to pick up another night (till12am) this after being home all day with two busy boys. I love being home but enough is enough. I get home at 1am to dishes in the sink, dirty laundry (and sometimes diapers) on the floor, picking up his glass and bowls from dinner, (I could go on but I won't).... all to get up at 6:30 in the morning and do it all over again. Granted, the only thing I don't do is cook and it freaks him out that I am home all day and don't cook but I also do 80% of the yardwork and I am just tried all the time from working around the clock (so it seams...)... We have tried therapy but that only lasted two sessions. He is a great dad to the boys but is just pure lazy when it comes to taking care of the house/yard/cars/.... or himself. I am barely hanging on here by a sting... I actually like it when he is not around. I feel stuck b/c of the kids who adore him and don't know what to do...... and I should mention that last week he actually told me he thinks of my job "as only three nights a week"... I really think I am under appreciated here and I wonder if it would be easier to just part ways..... However, I think if we didn;t have a child with CF it would be the same way....
I think that alot of men feel that when their job at work is done than that is it for the week. I have a husband who thinks that his days off from work are for him to relax, and yes it does it get old. I work almost every weekend and i come home from work alot of times to dirty dishes in the sink , dirty laundry, and the house just a mess, i get very upset, i am really trying hard to not get upset and just get done what i can get done without stressing myself out about it because i do love my husband and we have 3 children that adore their dad, he is a good dad, he stays at hospitalizations and will even take turns with me on whose turn it is to call of from work when the kids are sick, i am really fortunate there. I find myself calling home from work all of the time to make sure that my daughter is doing her treatments, ( i am the agressive parent ) especailly when it comes to our CF routine. don't get me wrong, my husband has always been there for our children but i have heard that we forgot to do the vest today, how you can forget something that you have been doing for almost 10 years is beyond me but that puts extra stress on me as well. I just don't think that men care so much about the same things that most women do so i just try to go on and do my job as a wife and mother without too much complaining, it doesn' seem to get me too far anyways.
Kaitsmom<img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">
Kaitsmom<img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">
CFHockeyMom
New member
I blame their mothers! In my case, when my husband was young, his mom made him do everything in hopes that someday he would get married and be the perfect husband. Problem was, while she was teaching him to clean up, she was waiting hand and foot on her husband. So, how do you think her son (my husband) turned out? Sure he does some stuff but it's less and less everyday. I can't tell you how many times I've come home to unfolded laundry, dishes in the sink, crap all over the counter, etc. I'd be more sympathetic if I didn't work. Also, he refuses to take the kids to any of their extracariculars (sp?). So that leaves me driving all over town as a taxi driver. If we have a conflict with kids stuff, I have to ask him to "help out". How is it helping if their your own kids. I could go on as I'm sure many of us could. Heck we could probably even start our own forum about this!
I do have to give him some credit though. When it comes to CF stuff, my husband is very involved. He does his share of clinic visits, CPT, treatments, etc...
Nothing frosts me more than when I'm running around doing chores until 10 and he's just sitting there watching TV (or sleeping) on the couch. You know he sees me. Why doesn't it bother him that he's sitting on his butt and I'm running around exhausted? Have they no conscience? And then of course later he wants to fool around and is mad that I'm too tired!
Ok, my ranting isn't really helping but you should know you're not alone. In fact, I think you're in the majority.
I do have to give him some credit though. When it comes to CF stuff, my husband is very involved. He does his share of clinic visits, CPT, treatments, etc...
Nothing frosts me more than when I'm running around doing chores until 10 and he's just sitting there watching TV (or sleeping) on the couch. You know he sees me. Why doesn't it bother him that he's sitting on his butt and I'm running around exhausted? Have they no conscience? And then of course later he wants to fool around and is mad that I'm too tired!
Ok, my ranting isn't really helping but you should know you're not alone. In fact, I think you're in the majority.
Claudette you have me laughing. I was going to touch on the fooling around part after they've had their nap on the couch while we're still running around, but I thought I would probably hand out too much info! (I tend to be an open book) Glad to hear it's not just me in that dept either!!!
LOL I am soooooo glad to hear from all of you. Everyone of you I related with, specially the couch thing!! Who do they think they are, Why do they think they can get away w/ it. No I know cuz @ least in my case, He knows after I rant & rave I just shut up & do it ALL. One time when Reece was in the hosptial for about 2wks, I came home to get refreshed, & just to get away for a couple hrs.I came home to the messiest (sp) house in all of VA!!! Now you know I could'nt relax w/out cleaning my house 1st. His excuse, he did'nt have time to clean cuz he would have to come up to the hosptial every night after work. ( we only live about 20min. away) Mind you he only stayed up there for about 1 1/2 - 2 hrs during the wk. So he had time!!! And on the weekend Sat or Sun. he would stay up there all day for me to get some time for myself. But he has NEVER spent the night @ the hosptial & I NEVER leave Reeces' side. OK I'm done venting too, Thanks for listening HE! HE!
Leah~mommy to Reece w/ cf <img src="i/expressions/angel_ani.gif" border="0">
Leah~mommy to Reece w/ cf <img src="i/expressions/angel_ani.gif" border="0">
Boy I can relate to the house mess. When I was in the hospital in May I came home to what I consider a pigsty!. I mean there was no reason except that no one put anything away or picked it up. I went around the house slamming doors, huffing/puffing (literally since my airways werent back to normal yet) & throwing stuff out. He had the nerve to tell me it is better than it was!. I said, "Well thats nice dear because its a disaster compared to how I left it & I was sick, taking care of Jazmine, the animals, you & the house & it still wasnt this bad." I was one very UNHAPPY lady. I made him feel really bad & probably was a little harsher then need be which I guess I shouldnt have, but I was pissed.
Do you know the saying....If Momma aint happy, Aint nobody happy! That is now our family motto!
Do you know the saying....If Momma aint happy, Aint nobody happy! That is now our family motto!
Hi,
I am Lynsey, Chucks wife (the awesome father from one of the earlier posts). I have to say the right things here or I am going to be in major trouble when I get home. My husband is a wonderful father and absolutely does half the work when it comes to the kids and medicine/treatments. However we also argue about housework and cooking. Don't all couples? I think even he would admit that when it comes to housework/cooking it is not 50/50. I try not to nag him, because I know that doesn't help. But sometimes it does get frustrating when I run around like crazy and he sits on the couch watching sports. I agree with the earlier posters about 'can they not see us, do they not care?' Slowly but surely, Chuck and I are learning how to compromise. Last week we decided he would cook three nights a week and I would cook three and we would eat out one. I forgot to say, that I also work full time, so this agreement is fair. I think many times if we would start out giving our husbands small and specific tasks with timelines they would be more willing to help. They truly do want to make us happy. If we can give them small ways help and then show them how much we appreciate it, they would help more. I am not saying its our fault, but let's face it ladies we can't change them, but we can change how we deal with them.
Honey, if you read this I love you and appreciate everything you do! You are awesome!
I am Lynsey, Chucks wife (the awesome father from one of the earlier posts). I have to say the right things here or I am going to be in major trouble when I get home. My husband is a wonderful father and absolutely does half the work when it comes to the kids and medicine/treatments. However we also argue about housework and cooking. Don't all couples? I think even he would admit that when it comes to housework/cooking it is not 50/50. I try not to nag him, because I know that doesn't help. But sometimes it does get frustrating when I run around like crazy and he sits on the couch watching sports. I agree with the earlier posters about 'can they not see us, do they not care?' Slowly but surely, Chuck and I are learning how to compromise. Last week we decided he would cook three nights a week and I would cook three and we would eat out one. I forgot to say, that I also work full time, so this agreement is fair. I think many times if we would start out giving our husbands small and specific tasks with timelines they would be more willing to help. They truly do want to make us happy. If we can give them small ways help and then show them how much we appreciate it, they would help more. I am not saying its our fault, but let's face it ladies we can't change them, but we can change how we deal with them.
Honey, if you read this I love you and appreciate everything you do! You are awesome!
I just wanted to share...I volunteered to work...outside the home today at my 'evening job' ...so my husband was home alone with the kids from 9-5:30. (it's retail) He made sure he told me all of the chores he did and then he complained because you couldn't even tell he spent all of this time on the house. Funny to me!!!! That's what I deal with all of the time.
You know I have been thinking alot about this subject and I just want to mention again that it is not the housework I want help with, it's the raising of the kids. I am home all day, granted I am watching daycare kids, so I have -some- time to do my 'chores' but I want him to spend time with the kids when he is here. I don't want people thinking that I am home all day and doing nothing! I have also been on the other side of the spectrum...working full time and taking care of the kids 99% of the time, and it is much easier being at home during the day, even if I am watching 5 other kids. I applaud those Moms working outside the home and doing it all at home too!! I HAVE been there!
And just so you know, I did tell him how pleased I was that he did the laundry, so maybe he'll do it next time I'm working too. They just need that little pat on the back more than us. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">
You know I have been thinking alot about this subject and I just want to mention again that it is not the housework I want help with, it's the raising of the kids. I am home all day, granted I am watching daycare kids, so I have -some- time to do my 'chores' but I want him to spend time with the kids when he is here. I don't want people thinking that I am home all day and doing nothing! I have also been on the other side of the spectrum...working full time and taking care of the kids 99% of the time, and it is much easier being at home during the day, even if I am watching 5 other kids. I applaud those Moms working outside the home and doing it all at home too!! I HAVE been there!
And just so you know, I did tell him how pleased I was that he did the laundry, so maybe he'll do it next time I'm working too. They just need that little pat on the back more than us. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">