online dating and CF disclosure

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erock77

Member
So I've been playing the online dating game off and on for about 2 years now, on top of getting out in the world and meeting people. I was talking to a friend yesterday, telling him I get a little nervous when I feel the need to explain my coughing. With the online dates I tend to hold back a little and put on a good face. I generally like to be an open book, so I think sometimes I may come off like I'm hiding something. I'm usually lucky that I can hold in the gnarly coughs during a first date, but not always, and often I don't say anything and they may suspect I have a cold or something else contagious, who knows.

So my friend suggested I just disclose it in my profile, with a positive spin on how I deal with it. I've come to realize with all the R&D I see I'll probably live a lot longer than I ever expected. Most of my girlfriends I met in the real world, and most learned on the first about the CF or they already knew. I think in some ways it may have actually helped me seem more interesting, admirable, or whatever cliche people say about our "bravery" dealing with this disease while actually accompishing things in our lives. I also find I get along better with women who have dealt with some pain and dark times in their life, and hopefully gotten past it. These women might be attracted to the perspective that comes with some life struggle, I know I am. My friend thinks it may also attract women with a tendency for compassion and caretaking. So who knows, maybe it could help to disclose right away. I'm thinking maybe be a little vague, like "I was born with a chronic respiratory illness but I take care of myself really well and don't let it stop me from having a fun and productive life." It might also save me the nervousness of disclosing later and coming off like I'm hiding something. It sounds like I'm talking myself into it.

I'm curious to hear from adult CFer's about early disclosure history, as well as the significant others and whether it actually attracted them more. I'm at the age where I'm looking for keeps.
Thanks!
 
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welshwitch

Guest
Glad to hear you're getting out there! And I totally relate to this issue. I've played the online dating game so I have a bit of experience with it. Here's my 2 cents from a ladies' perspective:

I'd have to say, "Don't do it!" And here's my reasoning why:

Online dating has the tendency for superficiality. People take things at surface level and so much of it is based on pictures, and broad statements. Like, if someone is X, then they must be Y. If you throw in that you have a chronic illness, it's just going to make a lot of people skip your profile. My old roommate had the same problem. He didn't drink, and put it on his profile. Thus, many women jumped to conclusions, that he was a religious fanatic, or that he'd had a drinking problem in the past. It labeled him as "damaged goods". Whereas, he is actually an awesome person who just happens to not drink and it absolutely made no difference once you got to know him.

It's the same thing with CF. People google "Cystic Fibrosis" or even "Chronic respiratory illness" and all kinds of scary stuff comes up. I like to get in front of my disease and explain it to people in person once they get to know me. In fact, for me it's info that people have to earn. I never told a guy I was dating about it until a couple months into our relationship and though it's an extremely nerve-racking conversation (believe me I've been there) it's a great way to weed people out. Once a guy really likes me he can either deal with it or not. I'm more than just a label.

Another way I think about it is, everyone has something . Everyone has either a chronic illness, or depression, or baggage with their family, the list goes on and on . Why put yourself on the spot on the internet, especially in a dating forum? You're just as great as everyone else. Why single yourself out?

Feel free to totally ignore this advice :) But I really could never see myself disclosing my CF on an internet dating site. It just seems too much, too soon. It's a really serious thing that I don't like to take lightly, and I'd hate to send the wrong message to someone about it on the internet, especially when I hadn't even met them yet.
 
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welshwitch

Guest
Oh, and I've been with my BF for 3 years -- we met in real life -- and I waited about a month or so to tell him about my CF. He said, "I don't get it, what's the big deal?"
 
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erock77

Member
Wow a month you waited? I definitely can't hide it that long, if I see them regularly. I'd feel the need to explain the coughing, I can't hold it in that long. I dated this girl last year that I Really liked, we met at a party, had a date, talked on the phone for hours. She invited me as a FB friend and I didn't accept saying I save that for after the 2nd date. I have some evidence on my FB page about my CF and hadn't told her. Well she got a bit more distant and was cancelling/postponing dates after that. It was another 3 weeks till I saw her again and it was killing me that I was keeping this secret. I think openness works better for me. I've had friends that are ex's tell me they appreciated knowing on the first date, I might seem like I'm hiding something otherwise. So maybe I'll try and let it out on the first date, If I like them and if there's been any evidence my health is abnormal at all. Like I said, I think the whole overcoming adversity thing sometimes makes us More attractive to some. Probably more appealing to women, us men tend to be more shallow. I thought it might help distinguish me as "different" that might appeal to some. But I get your point and I'll probably just keep my online marketing as-is. I'm glad your bf handled the news really well.
Anyone else?
 
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Aboveallislove

Super Moderator
I think it depends on the goal. Is it to just have fun...get out there....have a casual or serious relationship...or court to find if compatible for marriage. If the later I think I'd rather say it in passing with I have cystic fibrosis but it doesn't have me. If it is a no deal a date one that is likely someone go doesn't have it in them for the long haul. If one of the former reqsons then I don't see it mattering. Just my humble opinion and not saying its right or that another way I wouldn't work better. Oh, and if the last reason, maybe pick the on line place with care...a faith based one if that is important to you.
 
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Melissa75

Administrator
Found this info in an asthma/allergy magazine while sitting in drs office. "Alternatives to mainstream online dating sites include: Prescription4Love.com (and SinglesWithFoodAllergies.com less relevant)" the first site asks users to list medical conditions in their profile so as to avoid stress about a "big reveal."

This may not be of interest to you, but I figured I'd post it because it is a novel idea.
 
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erock77

Member
Thanks Aboveallislove, as mentioned at the end "I'm looking for keeps". So yeah, serious relationship and "love", as your name conveys. Though some casual hookups along the way to finding that wouldn't hurt. I usually try to drop it casually, sugar-coat a little or even weave it into a joke. Good advise, but faith-based sites are not my gig. I'm not heavy into any religion, maybe a touch of buddhism.
Melissa, interesting. Thanks. There's a niche for almost everyone.
 
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welshwitch

Guest
I've heard people just casually weave it into their conversations. Instead of, "I have something to tell you" and making it a big thing, you could just take your pills and have her ask what they're for. Or, have your nebulizer lying around when she comes over. Like, make it an incidental detail, a part of your life instead of a big, scary thing.
 
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celengan

New member
Difficulties of life

The problem is always with in our lives, so it's up to us to react to it, whether we include people who are relaxed, serious person, or a person prone to depression in the face of these problems. the key word in dealing with problems in our lives 'Surely there is ease in trouble' the one word of God





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erock77

Member
Welshwitch, good ideas. I'm always sneaking my enzymes & hiding my nebs if girls come over. I'll probably still hide the vest, that's like a 4th date unsexy device.

SaturnGreed, I'm really interested to hear the difference in your brothers results before and after, and what he wrote. It may weed some people out, but I think it's also intrigued people in real life. Also I feel more comfortable and witty when I don't have to hide.
 
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Helenlight

New member
Hi Eric,

As a woman, who tried online dating in my late 20s, I would be more attracted to a profile that showed truthfulness, depth, and the ability to overcome challenges. I think if it is carefully/cleverly written, it will only 'weed out' those you don't want to meet anyways. You also never know if someone may connect to you more, if they have been through any medical challenges in their life, or have a friend who does. Just my 2 cents!
In the end I met several interesting guys, but finally met my 'right' match in real life in my early 30s. Nothing really beats the dynamic you feel with real life meetings. :) Good luck!
 
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smithhiles

New member
If you are joining a dating site, beware of site, take time to say something about yourself, your lifestyle, your interests and the type of person you are hoping to meet.
 
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BreeAlysia

New member
I met my boyfriend online. While I didn't put it in my profile, I told him on our first date. This is something I generally did, mostly because I am not the sort of person who can hide things. I am generally honest to a fault. Also, because I was in my 30s, I didn't want to waste any guy's time that would not be able to deal with it or who wanted kids really bad or any of the things that my having CF might make impossible. While other people told me to stop telling people so soon for the reasons others have mentioned, I did it anyway. Yes, lots of people never called me for a second date, but to me, that just weeded out people who I knew would not be able to date someone with chronic illness. My current boyfriend, who I have been with for over two years, didn't care. He called for the second date and this year, when things have gotten more serious with my illness, he was completely supportive and not freaked out. He said that after our first date, he did some research and he decided it didn't scare him off. My boyfriend is a rare sort of guy in many ways and it took me many, many online dating disasters and disappointments to find him, but we were both very honest with one another from the beginning and I think it has helped.
 
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Dank

Guest
A bit of an old post, but will reply anyways.

I did the dating game for a period of a year around 24, I'm 26 now. I didn't put anything about my CF, because I felt like I wanted to get to know a woman, before letting them into that portion of my life. I only just recently started a blog and actually be open about my CF with my friends on facebook. It's been a struggle to come out in the open about my weakness, I'm sure there are many people who can relate. My gf who i've been with over a year now actually stopped over at some point during our first date (we had lunch, and then later she came over to a friends for board games, and afterwards stopped back at my place before she headed home) and I kinda told her briefly that I had some lung issues, she didn't seem to really take it in. All women are different though.

It took her many months for her to even be on the same page with my lung stuff, she just didn't want to even think about it. I've said some very negative things at different points in our relationship (out of anger) which have made her wake up, and now we live together so we're very open at this point in our relationship of course.

Every woman is different though, it really depends on what she has experienced with her family, or what she's seen or what her friends have exposed her too.. I wouldn't add it to your online profile though - it's already hard enough to try to find a decent woman (especially on a dating website...took me over a year of almost constant messaging and dating), you don't want to scare her off before getting to know your better qualities.

Point being that in a relationship, you are attracted to the person and you accept their flaws. Regardless if that's nail-biting, CF, or depression (etc,etc). You take the good with the bad. Finding a good woman to stay with you during the tough times is where you'll find a good relationship. I think it's important to find that quality. Previous to this girlfriend, I was a year out of a relationship, and was very desperate at times, especially when sick or in the hospital. Tried to lean on women who I thought were friendly with me, and only to be let down later by them. I think it's important to find a good group of people to rely on, friends, family, and significant others, so when you're feeling down they can pick you back up.

Anyways, my rant is done, hope this helps.
 
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hillthekhore

Guest
Less than a month in is a good time to disclose, in my opinion, and you can definitely make the conversation casual. No need to build up to it as if it's a huge secret, especially if your particular variation is under control.
 
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erock77

Member
Thanks Dank (and everyone else). I've decided not to put it in there. I think I have some pretty shining qualities highlighted in my profile, have interesting & adventurous pics, I'm at least decent looking and it's still tough making progress with dates on there. I think being 5'7 and not wanting kids narrows the field down enough as it is. I agree it's better to tell in person, so they experience my glowing personality to soften the blow of my mucus-y disease. Though I will try to harness the balls to divulge on first dates, I'm honest to a fault too, and hate hiding things.
Dank, your last paragraph is good advice. I've got some good friends, hobbies and stay relatively busy. But I'm also gettin/gotten old and ready to get the show on the road. Even still, I'm not settling. I've learned I'm much happier alone than with someone I'm not that into.

Btw, is there any way to set security on a topic so it's just for members? This thing's google-able.
 
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