Over the top M-I-L

[Jeannie85]

So my mother in law is over the top with just about everything. She is constantly asking how my daughter is doing, how are her treatments going, what did she eat, how she slept, and the list goes on and on. She always asks when we are going to the doctor and expects a thorough report immediately after. To me this is irritating because right now my child is healthy and asymptomatic. I wonder why she constantly brings it up when she knows I don't like to talk about it unless necessary. And I have told her to respect that. Her response to that is she is a concerned grandma. I understand that and told her if something was concerning she would know. Am I over reacting?

 

[nmw0615]

My grandmother is similar. She wants to know everything, and my life (in her eyes) is either perfect or I'm two breaths from my death bed. I used to fill her in as much as possible, but her attitude eventually got to be too much for me. I have to do what keeps me happy and sane, and keeping her in the loop is not it. I will tell her when I have a regular appointment, and I'll let her know PFT numbers/weight/things like that, but I try to keep from telling her when I'm sick for as long as I can. I rarely tell her I'll be hospitalized until I've been admitted, and she only finds out about extra antibiotics when they move from oral to IV. She know I do all this, and I know it also hurts her feelings a little bit, but she also knows I do it for my own mental health. She also knows that she can get back in the loop by not worrying so much, and by not looking at my health as completely black and white.

My grandmother's response was always "I'm your grandma, I love you and I'm concerned." I finally had to tell her that I loved her too, but for my own sake, I was going to stop talking about it with her. She got angry. She also cried. But I did not back down because I was doing something I needed to do for me.

 

[Jeannie85]

I would "let her in" more willingly if she would back off a bit. Thanks for your scenario. Everyone probably knows a person like this.

 

[jshet]

As irritating as it is to you, maybe let her go to a clinic appt. with you, and let her see and hear just how well your daughter is doing. Maybe it will ease her mind some, and feel better,
i know like most people, your mother in law drives you nuts, but i just had to out mine in a nursing home. It breaks my heart. She has been by my side since my son was born, and was very hands on. I am blessed. Try to enjoy her best you can, and let her in a little because if you don't, one day you may wish you did.

 

[Ratatosk]

My own mother is rather difficult. IMO, it's not necessarily about our child, but about her. She seems to get attention from having a sick grandchild. Scours the internet for information. Instead of playing with our child, she pumps him for information about his medications, treatments. When she'd visit him in the hospital she'd corner medical professionals and ask them questions and then turn the conversation to herself. Wondering if maybe she too had cf and wondered if she was never diagnosed. I'm a worrier and I try not to obsess about everything and having someone constantly reminding me of cf and what ifs drives me batty.

If your MIL is genuine, explain that you have a lot on your plate, are trying to process the information from the clinic appointment -- sometimes I'd need some time to myself -- that you're playing catch up with treatments because of time lost while at the clinic. That you're overwhelmed. You don't owe it to anyone to share every single minute of every single day.

 

[Jeannie85]

That is exactly it!!! You hit it right on the head! and I feel better lol!! I worry constantly but try to keep it to myself. And I don't need her to remind me of all the bad things! Ugh!!!!! Feels good to vent and to know my feelings are normal!

 

[Ratatosk]

So sorry! But you're not alone. BTW, my response is always "fine" or "nothing new" because most of the time that's the truth. And now that ds is older, I can just hand him the phone and he can describe videos and video games to her -- the main focus of his life currently.

Oh, and I try to avoid telling her when he has appointments if possible. I'm as vague as possible with "sometime next month" or if an appointment occurred, I say "we haven't gotten the final culture/test results back".

 

[Jeannie85]

Lol I do the exact same. In fact we just left a pediatrician appointment and she already texted and asked how much she weighs, her height, and how did the shots go. I haven't responded, but I want to say "how do you think shots went for a 18 month old?!" Lol!!! But I wont. I will wait and respond later.

 

[Gammaw]

Let me be the lone dissenter here. Do not shut her out. She's frightened too. But she has no control. That's an extra scary place. You have something resembling control - where and when you go to the doc, control over all information, decision-making, treatment.....The lack of control is a motivator for most behaviors.....of any kind. Be nice. Bring her with you. Share quandries, decision making even, new developments in your health and in CF research in general. Cry with her, high five with her, and she will relax after a bit. She won't need to query, or be nosy because you share. And be dang glad you have someone who will be there no matter what's happening. So many don't have that. What you are feeling is a sense of not being independent - grown up- adult - even smothered. No, I'm not a shrink and every situation is different as is every MIL. But your medical circumstances are not on a par with decisions to buy a red or green car, or even parental decision making or the other dailies of life. I say buck up, be mature, give her a hug and tell her everything she wants to know for awhile. But that's just me!

 

[Aboveallislove]

Actually, Gammaw beat me to the punch on this one, but with a minor variation. To me, it sounds like this is how she is coping. But to the extent you cope by not discussing, and if it is hindering your ability to cope (as oppose to just being annoying), then I think you need another conversation that you understand that she loves her grandchild and that knowing helps her, but that talking hurts you, so that you want to reach a middle ground. Have her come over for the day and see everything and then say if something changes from this, I'll let you know. And I will update you on all the doctor's appointments with full details. And then come up together with a "code" to remind her if she forgets, something like "that darn elephant stuck his nose in the room again," and change the topic. But then give great updates. We actually send a family email to both sides after CF appointments on all the details. (I also think that's great training for when DS is at college, own his own, married, etc. and hoping I'll be getting those since I'm the type that will cope by knowing/asking everything.) But if it is really just an annoyance...a HUGE one when it comes sometimes from MIL (or mothers!), then I'm totally with Gammaw.

 

[BreathinSteven]

Hey Jeannie!

I kinda find it odd that I haven't seen mention of your spouse... It's your mother-in-law -- it's his mother. (I'm assuming that your handle here, Jeannie85, implies that you're female and I'm also assuming that you're married to a male - if either of my assumptions are inaccurate, please forgive me...) I'm not sure of your situation, or whether she has been an overwhelming or overly involved mom to her son -- but it seems to me it would also be his place to suggest his mom back off a little...

I agree -- it needs to be gentle -- and if everyone can tolerate her involvement, or find a way to incorporate her involvement, all the better... Everyone is afraid right now -- especially older family. My mom is now 80 - she didn't expect me to make it out of my teens (well, she expected me to live forever because she's generally far too optimistic, but she was also aware of the likelihood that I wouldn't...) I'm 54. People in their 40s, 50s and beyond know of CF as a disease that kills children. We're still not where we need to be yet -- but there is much more hope for a longer life than folks like our parents grew up with...

In my mind -- CF parents rock... I can't even imagine what it's like to have your child dealing with an illness like this -- the stress must be overwhelming at times... And I'm guessing that it doesn't help all that much to be receiving stress from other sources as well... I hope that you and your husband, and your mother-in-law can all get together and negotiate agreeable lines of communication. It's true that she is your child's grandmother -- unfortunately for her, that doesn't entitle her to information, and it would be best for all if she didn't push you until you cut her off.

Love, Steve

 

[Jeannie85]

Hi Steven, yes it is my husband's mother We talk about this situation often and he agrees with me and thinks she doesn't need to know half of what she does, and we wonder why she even asks. My parents are not like that at all. It is more or less on a need to know basis with my family and right now there is nothing to know. His mom however, has always been like that. He is an only child. His extended family talks to his mom numerous times a day because they all know each other's business and like to it that way. I do not. I have told her once, in a pretty calm manner I think, to back off. She of course was upset but I had to. It was making me crazy. My husband has not done that and I think he needs to. If it comes from him maybe it would be more acceptable.

 

[Jeannie85]

Thank you gammaw and aboveallislove for your response! I am not sure if she would back off if I let her in more. I feel like she thinks she is privy to information that she doesn't need to know. And that is what boggles my mind. I get that she loves her granddaughter and is concerned BUT like I said, nothing is wrong. And until something happens I don't like to dwell on it. It gets old when people (and by people I mean her mainly) constantly ask "how is she doing?" And it isn't like "hey how are you?" Like you would ask me. It is with a different tone of voice and slight fear, and drawn out. She is fine! Seems like she wants me to say something isn't fine. I don't know......I also know part of it is me and I need to just let her be how she will be and learn to cope with it better.

 

[Ratatosk]

I understand exactly what you're talking about Jeannie85. Unfortunately there are individuals who have no boundaries. And I totally get the different tone of voice. I have no issues discussing ds' health, tests and appointments with any of my inlaws, friends and coworkers. Because they're sincere, they care and they want to help. But mine... Her life revolves around medical drama and attention. And it's not just ds' health -- just a couple months ago I was interrogated about my health... It's all in the way it's asked and usually it's a lead on to some medical horror story.

And in a perfect world, with a normal, individual the insight by Gammaw and aboveallislove would be spot on, excellent advice for 99% of the population. Unfortunately in my case and I suspect is the case with Jeannie85, there are more issues and I'm sure we're not alone in dealing with this type of person.

 

[mollyj]

I think the solution to this problem will vary from person to person, based on who you are and what kind of MIL you have. I do believe, however, that it is up to you how much you share. That is a personal choice. You can always give information but make it vague and then change the subject. That way you're giving her some kind of information but setting boundaries as well. I'd like to do a spin off of what you said, though, and ask everyone out there if they're in my position at all....I have a MIL who is pretty much the opposite. I have CF and it seems anytime I want to talk about it or disclose my fears/successes etc. with her she does not want any part of it. For instance, I was just in the hospital for a tuneup and told her of a few friends that we had lost to CF and how it seemed like a lot of CF friends were having a hard time, she told me I needed to maintain a good attitude! So having a MIL be interested sounds pretty darn good to me. My MIL tells me all the time that there is a natural cure out there for CF that just hasn't been found yet. She also likes to remind me from time to time how their family was accepting of my "health situation" but it was hard to get used to at first. She never asks how I'm feeling and when I tell her, she will tell me I look good so she doesn't understand how I can feel so bad. I could go on and on and on. In the end, it's just so hurtful and I believe I have to come to terms with all of this because she will not be the one to change based on my feelings. If anyone has a similar experience, sharing would be appreciated!