Preventing Divorce
Hi,
This is a common situation. I also think couples counseling would help but you'll have to make sure it is someone who is very familiar with working with couples where one has a chronic illness (Perhaps someone who is familiar with John Rollands work) Speaking of which if you can getting a copy of his book on Families and Illness (see <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.amazon.com/Families-Illness-Disability-Integrative-Treatment/dp/0465029159/ref=sr_1_1/103-8945966-0852664?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1179626219&sr=8-1">http://www.amazon.com/Families...&qid=1179626219&sr=8-1</a> ) you might want to read the intro and the chapter called (if I remember correctly) "In Sickness and in Health".
If her concerns are financial (like the health costs are killing you or it seems like she will have to quit work) then it actually possible the divorce might be the best way for you two to become lovers again since society and insurance will ask/expect a whole lot less of her as a lover than as an offical spouse. If her concerns are emotional there is stuff you can do too.
As some folks up here know I've been involved for decades with a group called WellSpouses and have heard many those folks talk about what caused them to feel more like caregivers than spouses and lovers. Luke's post in right on the mark there. For specific suggestions I would suggest that you:
#1 Take 100% responsibility for your own care and have her stop doing anything for you now. I don't know that you don't do that now, but I'll just list the kinds of things that sometimes folks have asked spouses to do. For example, don't have her do the "pounding" but use the vest or some other method. Also if you need IV antibiotics to either do them yourself or get an IV nurse in to help you (for this latter, shee' have her officially "refuse" to do them -if she works this is easier because she can say she is unavailable.) Don't have her make appointments for you. Don't have her go to any "regular" appointments with you.
#2 Focus on her. Ask her how her day went. Ask what you can do to help her with her responsibilities. Maybe you could learn to crockpot or stirfry a dinner or make breakfast for her or her lunch if she takes one. Romantic things are always good: flowers, little love notes, a massage, tell her she's pretty, (Nothing about how competent or responsible she is - she's feeling way too responsible.) What you're going for here is to get a smile on her face. If you can remember and do what you used to that caused her to smile you are a long way home. And maybe suggest a vacation - either together or apart. Is there some hobby that she gave up, perhaps this is the time for her to have the time and support (from you) to take it up again. Listen more than you talk.
She must be so focused on you - so obsessesed with the illness that she can only see leaving as a way of clearing her head and focusing on herself in a healthy way. Tell her by your words and your actions that you appreciate her efforts to empower you to live the fullest life that she can and that you are equally committed to empowering her to live her life to the fullest. Things must have been so out of wack for so long that it will have to be "all about her" for a while to even come back to somewhat of a balance.
Don't expect any results any time soon. It took a long time for her to be so burned out that she sees divorce as the only answser. She'll have to go from caregiver>friend>lover. She probably made the mistake that most of us who are new to chronic illness make which is to throw herself into interacting with you (who she ended up thinking as "sick") the same way she interacted with other people in her life who had an acute as opposed to a chronic illness. That model never works for chronic illness (see the Rolland book) because it involves putting your own needs almost completely aside to focus on the ill person untilo they become well. Since you will never be well she's feeling like there is no way out. But there is and turning it around can and does happen.
some brief stuff on the web is at
Stages in caregiving: <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.wellspouse.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=129&Itemid=1">http://www.wellspouse.org/inde...k=view&id=129&Itemid=1</a> (she's probably just givin up on heroic)
chronic illness and effect on family <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.aamft.org/families/Consumer_Updates/ChronicIllness.asp ">http://www.aamft.org/families/...tes/ChronicIllness.asp</a>.
Keeping you both in my heart,
LisaV
