Problem with Parents who smoke

[babyjaden2004]

I have tried and tried over and over to make them understand and I think they feel I am picking on them about this. My husband does not want them here cause they both smell so bad from smoking and everytime they show up she starts sneezing and coughing. No one smokes in my house and they know that but it is on their clothes. I tell them about it all the time. I have given the booklets and even the video I was given and still they think OH well. What else can I do? I have thought about talking to the clinic and seeing if they'd send them something. I know my daughter is much more important and her health is too, but I wish they would come to terms that CF is her to stay, nothing we give her will make it go away. Oh sorry for going on but this really upsets me and I get so frustrated with everything. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif" border="0">

 

[65rosessamurai]

Hi babyjaden2004, welcome to the forum!

I can relate to the parents smoking problem--maybe I should give you my dad's phone number!! He smoked in front of me for nearly the first half of my life...after his near fatal heart attack in 1995, he was VERY apologetic about it, realizing what difficulty it must have been for me to breathe, but I told him I forgave him for that.

I'm curious which parents are smoking? Yours or your husbands? Depending on who's they are, I would feel they're more likely going to listen to their child about how and what to do around their grandchildren. (in some cases, it may be the opposite, so whomever they listen to ought to talk to them). This is where the need to have a serious discussion may come about. (Can't be helped)

Indicating that one important point is that the child has complications to breathe, and bringing "added" problems to it complicates it more. Perhaps, as a suggestion, telling them the difficulties involved with your 15 month baby, (exagerating more than needed may give leverage), may give some foundation to insist they do not smoke within a certain time before entering your household. You may offer that by not following these rules, inviting them would become difficult. Stressing that though you love them very much, your love for the child and the child's health and well being would overrule such decision to invite the parents without them following your wishes, and requests.

As someone who's experienced having parents who didn't know the problems with smoking around a CF child, I hope this gives some help, ideas, and takes some of that frustration off.

This forum is "dedicated" to those who are looking for help, suggestions, or even just to "vent" sometimes. I think you came to the right place!!
Good luck with your endeavor...

 

[65rosessamurai]

Hi babyjaden2004, welcome to the forum!

I can relate to the parents smoking problem--maybe I should give you my dad's phone number!! He smoked in front of me for nearly the first half of my life...after his near fatal heart attack in 1995, he was VERY apologetic about it, realizing what difficulty it must have been for me to breathe, but I told him I forgave him for that.

I'm curious which parents are smoking? Yours or your husbands? Depending on who's they are, I would feel they're more likely going to listen to their child about how and what to do around their grandchildren. (in some cases, it may be the opposite, so whomever they listen to ought to talk to them). This is where the need to have a serious discussion may come about. (Can't be helped)

Indicating that one important point is that the child has complications to breathe, and bringing "added" problems to it complicates it more. Perhaps, as a suggestion, telling them the difficulties involved with your 15 month baby, (exagerating more than needed may give leverage), may give some foundation to insist they do not smoke within a certain time before entering your household. You may offer that by not following these rules, inviting them would become difficult. Stressing that though you love them very much, your love for the child and the child's health and well being would overrule such decision to invite the parents without them following your wishes, and requests.

As someone who's experienced having parents who didn't know the problems with smoking around a CF child, I hope this gives some help, ideas, and takes some of that frustration off.

This forum is "dedicated" to those who are looking for help, suggestions, or even just to "vent" sometimes. I think you came to the right place!!
Good luck with your endeavor...

 

[cfgirl2008]

hi welcome babyjaden2004.

my parents smoke to and i hate it. i keep telling them not to smoke but they say they cant quit its hard. they dont smoke in my face though my i hate it. i espically hate it when they smoke in the car and they know they are not suppose to. i know what your going through.

tiffany 15 w/cf

 

[supermanfan]

My parent's quite cold turkey when I was diagnosed... they weren't heavy smokers to begin with, but when I was diagnosed the doctors told them I shouldn't and couldn't be around it.

First it is horrendous when people smoke around children to begin with. People choose to smoke; that is fine, but don't push it on someone who either has no ability to choose for themselves, or people who choose not to smoke. It is rude, and smelly.

As for a person who won't realize that it is even more determantal to a person with CF, they are crazy. I sure hope you can snap your parents out of their denial, otherwise if you can't, you should most definitely stop letting them in your house, and stop visiting them. That might sound terrible, but your child's health is more important. There is a saying, and I completely agree with it: Once you get married, you leave your parents nest, and nothing but your spouse and own children are more important. You have started your own family, and you need to do what's best for them, not for anyone else; including your parents.

Good Luck <img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">

 

[wanderlost]

My mother smokes - it wasn't until I was 18 that she started going outside to do it - and I no longer lived with her at that time! There is some weak excuse for this as in the 70s and 80s before people really realized how bad second hand smoke was to people, but I think it really boiled down to will power - she just couldn't/can't quit. Some times in my meaner moments I tell her that pretty soon she's going to know exactly what life with CF is like when she's hacking up green stuff all the time and can't breathe.

 

[anonymous]

I find it hard to believe that family members and friends still smoke around someone with CF. How selfish of them. I would not let them see me or my child until they quit. It's not worth it. I don't want to hear that it's hard to quit b/c people quit everday. It's all based on whether you really want to or not.

Tiffany, I'm really sorry that your parents smoke around you. I could never forgive my parents if they jeopardized my health that way. Shame on them!

 

[babyjaden2004]

It is my parents that smoke. I have tried over nad over to tell them. They will not smoke in my house but they stink so bad when they visit and really isn't very often. So I guess I should be greatful for that but still it is hard. I do not go over their palce unless it is warm out and we stay outside. Thanks for all the advice and the welcome.

 

[anonymous]

<img src="i/expressions/brokenheart.gif" border="0">hi baby jaden i have a three year old with cf amnd i can relate to your problem people do not understand about cf and the reasons why we have to tell people not to smoke and not to bring items into the house that can cause harm to your kids. i suggest the next time that your child has got a bad cold then let them deal with her and make them hear her struggle with breathing and see how they deal with it. i also agree with the other posting about them being selfish they are being very selfish if you do not smoke then why should you put up with it if you have a non smoking house then they should respect that. people do think that you getting at them when you tell them these things. failing this advice then have a word with your cf team and see if they can see your parents or in laws and make it very clear to them of the risks they are putting you all through because i am sure if you catch a cold just because they want to smoke then it causing double the risk to your family, if you have a non smoking house then put up no smoking signs this could also get the message across good luck and i hope this helps

 

[babyjaden2004]

My mom will not babysit cause she is afraid too. I really don't think they understand the whole CF, or myabe choose not to. I have no one else to help as far as family goes. My husband and my son are the only ones, and they do their best. I would like to be able to have a night out and my mom freaks when I ask her. She isn't as bad as my dad. I was thinking of taking them to one of her appts and let them know in advance and then the doc can tell them the risks of smoking and such to them.
Thank you all so much. I really feel I finally found a place to come. Thanks again

 

[julie]

babyjaden2004, I would take your mother and father along to an appointment. The results could be twofold for you, 1. They could learn about CF, learn that you still have a baby that grandparents can babysit, that will attend daycare/preschool and school someday... that this child WILL still have a normal life and they can't hurt the baby and 2. they could learn about the consequences that smoking WILL have on your child with CF.

 

[babyjaden2004]

Thanks for all the advice. Scott says I really shouldn't let it all bother me and just focus on us as a family and remember it is their choice to smoke and their choice not to follow the rules set in our house. I wish I could be more like him but it is so hard. The holidays we have started our own tradition since moving in the house about 4 years ago and they usually don't even come over. I know their lose again. This is so hard. What is so sad it isn't because of Jaden having CF, they were always like this, even with Zack. So I guess I've been fighting a losing battle for along time. I just thought with Jaden they would change.

 

[melleemac]

Im having a heck of a time with my mother smoking. Ive told her that I will not take the boys to her house until she quit smoking inside. First she lied and told me she doesnt smoke inside, I found out from a reliable source that she was. Then last week she told me she quit but was puffing away this weekend. Shes now telling other people that she doesnt know why I dont come visit and that she thinks Im mad at her. I cant believe that she is lying to me and trying to get me to take my kids there, knowing what damage it will do to my children. Its her grandkids for petes sake,and their health as far as cf goes is not good to begin with. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
Mel

 

[rose4cale]

This all sounds so familiar. As my mom and mother in law are also smokers. They stink after they smoke...even outside! They asked if they sucked on a breathmint if it would help. I said yes, only if they could also come in and wash their hands, hair and clothes too.

Tiff, I simply cannot believe that your parents smoke with you in the car of all places. My mom also did. I do not have CF, but I remember the choking feeling of being trapped in a car of smoke. It's awful. I also remember the first time I visited her house after I moved out. The smell was overwhelming! Being away from it for a couple of weeks made me feel so clean, and after visiting, I couldn't get out fast enough. She doesn't smoke around us anymore, but we can smell it on her. Oh, we haven't been to her house for years. But that is a whole other Dr Phil show! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-confused.gif" border="0">

 

[babyjaden2004]

Maybe thats who I need to call Dr. Phil!! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> I guess the best thing for us is to just not worry about it and go about our lives. No matter what is said they are stuck in their ways and they will not change even it is for their own grandchild.

 

[LOOBY47]

DONT GET ON EVERYONES BACK ABOUT SMOKING I HAVE A 6 YEAR OLD WITH CF SND I SMOKE . I HAVE TRIED AND TRIED TO GIVE UP BUT ITS VERY DIFFICULT I MUST ADD THAT I DONT SMOKE ANY WHERE NEAR MY DAUGHTER .

 

[JazzysMom]

My Mother smoked before, during & after my diagnoses. She never made an effort (that I remember) of going outside or not smoking around me. She is a chain smoker to boot. When I visit her & she lights up in front of me I get up & walk away. She gets "irritated" by my actions, but I think that is more guilt then anything. For my 14th birthday she promised me she would quit smoking. That was suppose to be my present. Well every year when my birthday comes & she asks what I want.....I tell her my 14th birthday present. I dont harrass her or lecture her as I have found it does NO good. I get my dig in with my birthday present & with my daughter. When my daughter is at my Moms she tells her that she doesnt want to stink like cigarettes or get sick like her Mom so she will give her a hug when she is done puffing on the cancer sticks. I never use to be cold hearted when it came to the smokers in my life (of which I have a lot in & out of the family), but as it gets harder to maintain my health & I have to worry about my daughter.....I say whats on my mind & relay that to my daughter also. I pray that she grows up to be a non smoker. She doesnt understand why people start if its so hard to quit & its so nasty........I dont have a good enough answer for her, does anyone else?! LOL

 

[miesl]

*Gets on high horse, sprays on the flame retardant*

Looby - You're this close to getting the "If you really loved her and cared about your daughter's health - you'd quit." statement.

Wait, no... You DO get that statement, since you are so obviously unaware of the dangers of your smoking (be it around her or not - some people are bothered by the lingering smell - on you, in the house, in the car...). Is it a strong statement? You bet it is, since it's a serious issue.

It's hard to quit? Big-fat-hairy deal. You think you have the short end of the stick because you have to quit smoking? Give me a fricken break. Your daughter has a serious illness that is aggravated by smoke. You take your daughter to clinic, you get her meds, you do so many things to keep her healthy (I hope - hence why I assumed this was true) and attempt to control the things that make her sick. And yet, you fail to do the ONE THING that it is completely within your power to do - quit smoking and stop exposing your daughter's respiratory system to irritants it doesn't need.

Do I think you're selfish? Yes. I think it's irresponsible of any parent to smoke around children. I think it's incredibly irresponsible of any parent with a child with a respiratory condition (CF, Asthma, etc) to smoke AT ALL.

 

[JazzysMom]

I knew that was coming......I think you set yourself up Looby47......I have to agree, but never having been hooked to the habit I cant say how easy it is or isnt. I do know many people who have quit smoking and many who have gone back as well as many who were able to give up stronger more addictive habits. I truly feel if you want to you can......

 

[miesl]

I really, really couldn't stop myself. From my own perspective -I have the whole asthma deal going on. I stopped visiting my grandmother a few years ago. Even though she wouldn't smoke around me - the lingering residue starts to shut down my breathing, and that's just not good. Smoke effects me in the immediate closed-off-airways-can't-breathe-panic way. It's really hard not to have a strong opinion about something that causes you stop breathing. From what I know of Jeremy, it's different for non-asthmatic CFers. He gets extra congested and crappy feeling. Extra congestion = extra mucousy badness for bacteria growth. Increaing the amount of medium in the petri dish... not a good.

I have a serious issue with people who have habits that negatively impact those in their surroundings. For the most part - I can choose where I go (it's not the greatest choice, and I have issues with that as well - but that's another debate). Children on the other hand, have absolutely zero option to avoid smoking parents. I see it as child abuse and will be very happy if it one day becomes illegal to smoke in the presence of children.