Question for parents who have lost a child

[JennifersHope]

I have a question for the parents on here who lost a child.... I need advice on what will help my friend......

One of my closest friends that I have, lost her son in a car accident on Monday. Obviously it was very unexpected.. and I know losing a child to CF is much different but a loss is a loss expected or not..

I love my friend so dearly and I want to help her. Looking at her today and seeing someone I love so much be in so much pain made me want to with all my heart trade places with her son.. It is so horrible... and I am not sure what to do. What were some things that were helpful for you? What did you find in the immediate weeks after to be the biggest help from others, what was the biggest pain in the neck etc?

I don't want to overpower her with emails and stuff and I want her to know I am there every step of the way..


Our pastor did an amazing job today at the service and told ppl to not fade away from them but to be there for them all the time.. I just don't know what to do?

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated

Love,

Jennifer

 

[momofjosh]

I lost my son 6 mos ago. It is the hardest thing I have ever went through!! You really can't imagine the pain until you go through it. I thought about it his whole life but when it happened I was devastated. He was 21 years old and very sick for a while. At first you are in such shock you don't know how to act. But I know I needed to talk about him alot. I still do. Some people are afraid to bring it up I know but I feel worse when they act like it never happened. I really hate it when people say "he is better off" or "he is in a better place". Those things may be true but when you are hurting that does not make you feel better. I miss him terribly and maybe he is better off but I am not. I still can't believe I will never see him again. Always let her know she can talk about it to you whenever she wants and that she can repeat herself over and over again and that's ok with you. I need to talk about him, I need to talk about his life and illness and the end. I need to see pictures and videos of him. I never want to forget him! He was very special! Some people sent me inspirational cards and that made me feel good too. Just let her know you will be there whenever she needs you. I hope this helps a little bit...
Kathy

 

[mcbrash]

I couldn't agree with you more momofjosh.........talk, talk, talk, if this is what she needs to do then just be there for her and listen. I have had the support of family and friends that will listen to me whenever I need to talk about my son, this is what has gotten me through this past year. No one can imagine the pain and heartache that one goes through when losing a child. I think, as parents of children with an illness such as CF, we started our grieving when we were first told that our children had this terrible disease and were so scared for them whenever they were sick, wondering what was going to happen next.

There are no words that will be comforting to her at this time, just be there for her, put your arms around her and just let her talk. This is the best advice I can give to you right now.

Sandy

 

[JazzysMom]

Everyone handles it differently. When my oldest nephew was killed in a auto accident in 1997, it was devistating to all. My sis was much easier to console because she wanted to speak of/about my nephew. The more she talked about him the better she felt. Now my ex bro in law was/is still the opposite. You couldnt mention my nephews name without it being apparent that he wasnt comfortable speaking of him. It made it extremely difficult for their 2 other sons because they lived with their Dad so they never were really given the opportunity to grieve for their brother. I would say to let your friend lead you. If she seems to want to talk then listen. If she seems to want company, but no talking then be there. If she wants time to herself then just check in with her. She is very lucky to have you in her life. August 19 would have been my nephews 30 birthday. I plan on sending a card to my sis, but its really to him so to speak. Like anyone else that passes away. I feel its HIGHLY important to not let their death be in vain & keep the spirit/memory alive!

 

[LiL1FiGhTiN4LiFe]

I never lost a son but i lost a brother to CF when i was 9a nd he was 6 he also had lukemia BAD COMBO. i know how hurt and upset i was and still ma because he was my best friend and i know how my parents feel because we talk about it alot especially me and my dad.. just tell your friend it will always be hard but that her son is in a better place and no matter where she is he willa lways be her guardian angel and that she can talk to him and he can hear and that he wants her to be okay .. thats wat i dow ith my dad ( i live with him ) when he gets upset..

hope i helped

write back

Meagan aka May8May

 

[JennifersHope]

Thank you guys for your help. I really appreciate it. Especially from the moms that have gone through it. Her son was just burried yesterday and as you know it was a sudden death but like I said a death is a death.

I am going to take your advice for sure. I will have her talk as much as she wants. I will bring it up with her. I didn't call her today, I figured I would give her a couple more days. I have emailed her.


I just want to take her pain away. SHe is the most amazing person. She always puts others first, even yesterday at the funeral she was taking care of others emotions first.


He will have died one week ago on Monday morning so this is all very new.

Thanks again,

Jennifer

 

[Allie]

Hannah and Michael also felt a need to tlak about Ry, to say his name. Michael had a deep need to do things that he felt would help C, or anything he felt Ry would support. Hannah needed to talk, talk, talk, and know that it was okay if she cried, people will still talk to her about him. Not letting his name fade is important.

 

[bmombtoo]

I had a good girlfriend who son's killed himself at about age 22.
She called me right away and the best thing you can do is be there.
I spent alot of time at her home before and after the funeral, and
would check on her often. Your minister is so right...they don't
need people to back off or walk away now. Let her know she can talk
even if listening is difficult, she needs to talk. When my first
husband died my girlfriend spent almost every evening at my home,
good thing she only lived down the street. Even my in-laws would
not bring up the topic of his death; I finally told him that
talking about it wouldn't remind me of his death, I was already
well aware of it. People avoid those in grief because it is
hard to know what to say and do.

 

[momoftraci]

HI EVERYONE,<br>
I WOULD HAVE TO SAY DITTO ON ALL ABOVE......<br>
THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO IS LET HER KNOW YOUR THERE AND LET HER
TALK TALK TALK...TELL HER ITS OK TO KEEP SAYING HIS NAME.<br>
SOMETHING PEOPLE AROUND ME WONT LET ME DO!<br>
THEY SAY OK ITS OVER LETS  CHANGE THE SUBJECT.... THAT WAS A
QUOTE FROM MY SISTER.<br>
IF SHE KNOWS SHE CAN TALK AND YOUR THERE.THATS ALL SHE NEEDS. SHES
LUCKY TO HAVE YOU! NOT MUCH YOU CAN SAY AT THIS POINT SHE WILL OPEN
UP TO YOU WHEN SHES READY!..<br>
AND HI TO ALLIE ,SANDY AND KATHY!! I( MISS TALKING TO YOU
GUYS.)<br>
GAIL<br>
TRACI ANN 2-2-88---3-24-05<br>
MY SWEET ANGEL