Relationship Problems

[VictorinaP]

I am a 26yo who is dating a CFer. I've known him for a long time and I have done a lot of research on the topic. Right now we live in different places and are having a bit of a rough patch. I just don't know how to make him feel more at ease, and I am afraid there is nothing I can do. His health is on the decline and while I am there for him through and through he still holds everything inside and I can see it eating away at him. Any advice as to how to get him to not only get everything off his chest, but to see his life in a brighter light?

 

[Rosie55]

I know it can be hard, I'm the mother of a 21 year old and she can be the same. Perhaps you should suggest he seek counseling or maybe even get involved on this website where he can interact with people who know exactly what he's feeling. People that live the same reality he does everyday. It may be hard for him to discuss it with you because you don't have CF or because he doesn't want you to see him as being "sick". He may be afraid of losing you even though shutting you out isn't helping either. So, if perhaps he can find another source to help him cope with his CF and just have you as his unwavering support and "sunshine" maybe that would take some stress off the relationship right now.

 

[Rosie55]

I forgot to mention, that's great that you are looking for answers and are there for him. It says a lot about you because many would just walk away when things get tough.

 

[VictorinaP]

Yeah. I would but I think he is so down on that kind of stuff that if I even brought it up he would probably get mad. I have been best friends with him for a long time, it would be silly of me to give up on him now. Not to mention that I love him more than words can say. Maybe I'll mention the forum.

 

[imported_Momto2]

As a CFer who used to be similar to your boyfriend, I can empathize. I am NOT suggesting this, but what helped me really open up to my boyfriend (and what helped him understand where I was coming from!) was he contracted Lymes disease and became paralyzed for a week in the hospital. IV meds for a couple of months afterwards, steroids, that whole feeling of helplessness and being out of control. Once he experienced that, our relationship was so much stronger and we could connect much more easily. My husband and I have also gone to joint and single counseling. Helped a lot for both of us. I had this superwoman complex that if I showed any weakness, the people I cared about would walk away. Which was NOT, I repeat, NOT true and I probably never got any indication of it, it was just all in my head. Talking to others on a forum like this might be helpful. He is surely not alone in his attitude and fears. It can be mentally overwhelming sometimes if you think too much about it! You dont have to be perfect to deserve tons of love.

 

[nhaggard07]

I'm 25/m with CF. Up until last year I was in a serious relationship for 4 years. Everyone has different demons, CF or not. I do know that whether my health was good, the relationship was fantastic, I still always had fears and guilts related to my CF. I feared the day things would become too difficult for her to want to stick around, and I was guilty for wishing she would stick around. I've honestly thought about whether I could be the kind of person that would sacrifice a lot to be with someone ill if I was the healthy one. I can't definitly say I would. It just so happens my fears were realized and my health rapidly declined a couple years ago and she left. Some people have it in them to persevere and some don't. We only have one life, us with CF intimately know and appreciate that fact. I can't blame someone for wanting to live their life to the fullest even if we were so invested with eachother when things were good. I'm getting off track.. My point is, even though it's obvious you may be a person that's built to stick around, he probably still has the fear you may not. I could be way off base, I'm just speaking from my personal demons. It could also be the fact that he knows you will stick around and maybe that bothers him just as much. There are people that are so selfless that they'll sacrifice their happiness for the chance that they'll improve their lovers life by not being in it. Is that type of thinking wrong? I don't know anyone that can answer that.

 

[cam]

Wow nhaggard07 that is exactly how I feel and what im goin threw now I love her so much and my health is declining and I know she would stay threw it all and im confused should I let her go to enjoy her life or keep her and have her with me threw this horrible time whats right thing im scared to b alone but it also hurts me to c her sad n worried and wasting alot of her life on me when there isn't much hope when she could b with someone who can give her so much more like she deserves

 

[ladybird]

Love is its own reward. If you feel guilty about dragging someone else through the CF experience with you, you should read My Foreign Cities, a love story written by a woman who married a CF man early in life and who stuck with him and loved him and even had fun while going through many difficult medical experiences.

Don't be ashamed of having CF. It is not your fault. It takes a lot of courage to live and love wholeheartedly when you are very sick, but remember that true love will endure. My husband and I laugh every day, even if he's just laughing at how grumpy I am. And I am grumpy a lot, but he can see through that!

 

[VictorinaP]

I can honestly say that I love him with all of my heart and more and I fully plan on sticking around all the way through, weather he wants me to or not. Haha! If the person wants to stick around and knows everything that may come in the future then I say let them. The worst thing is wanting to stick around and being told you could go find someone better who would be able to be around longer. Its sort of infuriating. The way I see it, he is the most important person to me in the world (besides my mother) and it would be silly to go waste my time on someone who I care much less about, just because they would be around longer. You know? I donno. That's just how I see it in our situation.