Relationship Question

[anonymous]

I am a member of this site but because of the seriousness of this topic I wanted to stay anonymous...

I have been with my spouse for 11 years. I was about 19 when we started dating. We got married when I was 23. Lately, I have been very bitter to my spouse. I have CF...my spouse doesn't. I am not sure why I am so bitter to my spouse. My spouse notices it and of course I know I am doing it but that doesn't stop me from being that way. I care deeply for my spouse. I only want the best for my spouse. Am I falling out of love? Most days I feel my spouse would be better of without me and vice versa. Is this just fear of my CF taking me away from my spouse and not wanting my spouse to go through that pain?

My spouse and I have also been through a lot in our 11 years together. Nothing has come easy for us. We have been in debt from day one. I work my heart out to get caught up and my spouse just spends more money. My spouse also has got 2 OUI since we have been together. The first time my spouse lost his license for 18 months. Nine years pasted and my spouse was an idiot and did it again. This time license was lost for 4 years. Needless to say, this has caused a lot of stress on our marriage. I took a vow to love my spouse for better or worse but what if I am not in love with my spouse any more.

I really need input on this. I know my spouse loves me. If I leave my spouse I know I will break my spouse's heart. My spouse has been part of my life for so long I don't know if I am staying because I love my spouse or because I am afraid to leave. It just seems so normal to be with my spouse but I am definitely not happy. I can tell but the way I treat my spouse.

This morning my spouse left to go away for the week. I was so mean to my spouse. I shouldn't be that way to my spouse. I should have kissed and hugged my spouse and told my spouse how much I love my spouse and how much I was going to miss my spouse.

Thoughts Please....

 

[anonymous]

I don't think you are bitter that you have CF and your spouse doesn't.

I think you're bitter cuz your spouse spends money out of control, while you're stuck with the bills, and your spouse is irresponsible and has 2 OUI (did you mean DUI)?

I'd be resentful of actions stated above as well.

If you want to work things out, I would sit down with your spouse and lay out a plan. You need him/her to stop spending out of control. Tell him/her how hard you work to get out of debt. Be up front. Maybe set up a budget. Does your spouse spend the money when he or she is drinking?

If things don't shape up, I'd get out. Sad to say - but I think it's cruel to put someone, especially with CF, under so much stress to get out of debt. Sounds to me like your spouse is very selfish.

Tough situation. We're here to support you if you need more input or if you just need to vent.

 

[anonymous]

My spouse spends money all the time. He/She is a chronic spender. Yes, I meant DUIs. Does my spouse drink, yes. Is my spouse a drunk, no. My Spouse is a hard worker. My Spouse says he/she would do anything for me. My spouse enjoys a beer or two with his/her friends. All week long my spouse might drink 6 or 8 beers. Since my spouse's last DUI he/she has really cut back the drinking. I do feel my spouse is selfish and I know I am selfish. I have to be. I told my spouse from day one my CF and health comes first. Do you think my spouse resents that?

 

[goingup]

After reading your post, i couldn't help but to reply...... this is
a very hard thing to imagine because i have never been married, and
have never been with one person for 11 years..But, i will say that
from what you are telling us, your spouse  needs some MAJOR
GROWING UP TO DO!!!  Spending money that u work your a** off
for and blows it on booze i am assuming and who knows what
else??......... you sure do have a lot more patience than i do, and
 putting love aside,........ you are going to have to make the
decision how much longer you want him to RUIN everything???? HELL,
youv'e gone 11 years, what is another 11 huh????????
  hope my response didnt irk you, but it pissed me off to
 read what i did!!!!!! GOOD
LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-disgusted.gif" border="0"><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-frown.gif" border="0"><img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-mad.gif" border="0">    

 

[anonymous]

No one's response will upset me. If I was going to let it upset me, I would have avoided posting this topic. BTW my spouse does not spend all the money on alcohol. The money is spent on lots of other stuff. My spouse may spend $10 week on alcohol.

 

[anonymous]

I was in a relationship with a person for 6 years, a good majority of that while we were going to college. We had a lot of laughs, liked to go out and have a good time, but then the money problems in our relationship started. I was working to pay for college and my car, etc. We'd be out at my partner would say -- you get the tab this time, I'll get it next time or I'd be the designated driver. Was nearing our last year of college and one night I just said, hey, I'm always paying for entertainment, I'm always driving and instead of apologizing or making an effort -- I got a response of "I didn't know you were so obsessed with money" I saw red. I decided then and there that once we were done with school and working full time that if I couldn't rely on him, it'd be over. Graduated, after working locally for a year, I found a full time job in my field a couple hours away -- first summer he only visited me twice. A friend of ours also looking for work, visited several times, helped me move -- twice and after a couple of years ended up moving in together. We were married 14 years ago. We both keep separate checkbooks and pay certain household bills. We both have our own fun money, but it's not a problem because neither of us are wild spend thrifts.

I HATE worrying about money. I maked me sick to my stomach those years I was involved with someone who would rather spend money on comic books and other garbage than pay rent. Our friend eventually found someone new -- she's a teacher and works full time -- he's still going from job to job -- works here and there -- copy shops, photoshops -- his dream is to be a professional photographer, so he can't be tied down to a full time job. At the time I let our relationship die, I felt some regret, but I also felt relief.

I suggest trying to talk things out, give it a try. Maybe your partner will change. Otherwise, I suggest for your own health and sanity -- go off on your own.

 

[candiebar76]

my spouse and I fought a lot and we have only been together 4 years. Money is always an issue and we are the penny pinching type. However, I was a smoker and he was not. I would only smoke 2-3 pack a week but the cost still add up. Every month $40 to $60 on nothing really. We are now spending $30, which isn't much better financially but better for our health, for the herbal stop smoking stuff. This is my first month, but it was important not only to my husband, but we have a child with possible CF so I had to quit. He pointed out to me that the money we will be saving after I don't need assistance is a double pymnt on a CC or our water/sewer bill and as much as I hate to admit it he is right. My dad & sister are even quiting to help out.

As for the DUI it is plain stupidity. Sorry but that is how I have always felt when people get them. It is a selfish act that shows you have no respect for life. I am not saying you should leave, but perhaps re-evaluate the situation and seek help (counciling) with your spouse before you decide or do something you'll regret.
Candace

 

[coltsfan715]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>I do feel my spouse is selfish and I know I am selfish. I have to be. I told my spouse from day one my CF and health comes first. Do you think my spouse resents that? </end quote></div>

When I read this it bothered me. I agree you need to be strong when it comes to your health - I don't think it is being selfish I think it is just taking care of yourself. In saying that I don't think you are being selfish in the least. If you were you wouldn't still be in the relationship with him spending the money you are earning, running you deeper in debt, getting DUIs and so on. From the sounds of things he is being selfish and you are just responding and getting frustrated and irritated with things not changing.

I would sit down with him and talk to him about this as best as you can. I know it is hard to put your fears and concerns out on the table to someone no matter who it is. I had to sit with my fiance - we have been together for almost 4 years. He too likes to spend money - he has the "I want it and I will figure out how to pay for it later" mentality - his whole family does that they want what they want when they want it. I sat with him and told him that it bothers me because we are trying to get HIM out of debt so that we can progress towards moving out (I can't work so he is the sole bread winner - excluding Disability money). I just told him why it bothered me so much and that we needed to work on it and that he needed to be more consciencious(?sp.) when it comes to money. It helped ALOT. He actually has started weighing the options - do I have enough money for that no maybe we can get it or do that some other time. He still has his moments where he will say - oh it is on sale lets get it even if we don't need it and other things, but the talking has helped.

I know alot of the problems I have had with my fiance and thinking I am being resentful have stemmed from my feeling like he didn't really get my disease. Almost like he didn't understand how serious it can be and it left me feeling like I was going to have to do this all alone once we get married. I have talked to him about that too. I can say from our talk he understands more than I thought he did and is still learning the rest (I guess we can't expect them to know all the things that we know since we have been dealing with this longer than them). Sometimes you just need to be reassured that you have someone that is standing with you in life and not against you. I would just talk to your husband/wife about it - if he/she does have any resentment I would be prepared to hear it when you talk to him and I would try to remain as calm as possible (not that you wouldn't - but it can be very emotional).

From reading your posts it seems like you are just needing some help with things from him/her, and you feel he/she is not there. That may be totally off base but that is what I gathered. Also this may or may not be an issue - but are you worried that you are not going to be able to work as hard and as much as you are now for the rest of your life. Meaning are you worried about what happens when your health gets worse and you have to cut back on working and other things? If so I would address that with him/her too. It is a totally valid concern to have and he/she needs to hear it and think about it.

I will shush now. I hope that was of some help. I do hope things start getting better.

Take Care,
Lindsey

 

[JazzysMom]

You are not going to like my reply & I will tell you now that it is a bit biased because of my dealings with alcohol in my family. Your spouse has a problem & you are enabling it. I am sure you & others see it as sticking with your marriage etc which is partly true, but when the resentment & financial problems interfere with the relationship then its time to step back & reevluate the situation. If you are just having a momentary breakdown then please forgive me for being so bold, but I also feel that even with a momentary breakdown it will escalate to more of them. I dont know how healthy your normally are, but I have no doubt that this problem with your spouse has to be affecting it. I am not telling you to leave the guy (tho that is always an option if nothing else works), but I do believe you both need some help. IMHO the way you are treating him is a subconcious decision already made, but not acted on. BTW contrary to the old saying that love can conquer anything.....at what cost?!

 

[anonymous]

I want to thank those who have already given feedback and want to encourage other to give feed back. I completely <b>agree</b> DUI is just stupid. I in no way condone it and my spouse knows it.

I knew this post would get some people fired up because of their experiences and I really need to hear from them.

I feel like I have tried to talk with my spouse but maybe I haven't always said what I was really thinking or feeling.

I also I agree, I am an enabler not to just the drinking but to the money spending. My spouse screws up, I fix. I always make everything better. I know this.

I am fairly healthy but I know the added stress in my marriage is not healthy for me.

Thank you Lindsey for reminding me I'm not selfish.

I also agree that marriage counseling and single counseling is needed. I guess I am afraid my spouse doesn't think so. But if my spouse loves me and wants me to stay, my spouse is going to have to participate.

Melissa I love you for being bold. I completelly agree with your last statement. When is enough, enough? I don't want to give up on my marriage but changes do need to be made. I just seem like I am the one that always says you need to do this or I am gone.

Let me add a little fuel to the fire:

My spouse works very hard and long hours. Okay, I am sick of using my spouse... My Husband always feels bad because I have to work. He always wishes he had more money and that he could controll his spending habbits. We have really been working on that. The one thing that he does that really ticks me off, is he calls me money hungry when I tell him I need a little extra. I have always controlled the bills of the house. The mortgage, insurance payments, car payments, utility bills, medical bills, student loans, credit card, etc. Anyone else that pays the bills knows how stressful it can be. I don't need the added stress but I do not trust my husband to do it.

I am going to keep reading peoples replies and giving more information when I feel it is warrented. Thanks for all of the help so far.

 

[julie]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>My spouse works very hard and long hours. Okay, I am sick of using my spouse... My Husband always feels bad because I have to work. He always wishes he had more money and that he could controll his spending habbits. We have really been working on that. The one thing that he does that really ticks me off, is he calls me money hungry when I tell him I need a little extra. I have always controlled the bills of the house. The mortgage, insurance payments, car payments, utility bills, medical bills, student loans, credit card, etc. Anyone else that pays the bills knows how stressful it can be. I don't need the added stress but I do not trust my husband to do it. </end quote></div>

You are not using your husband, he entered into the marriage knowing about your CF and the potential future difficulities it would entail. My personal opinion is this, If anyone's spouse wanted to leave (for whatever reason) they simply could. Mark sometimes expresses he feels the same way you do, that he's a burden on me and that I should be with someone else who can take care of me. We too have a lot of financial difficulities (for a few years it was ok, but it's tight now with the 3 on the way). But you know what, I WANT to be with him. If I didn't, I wouldn't have married him.

I don't think you are "falling out of love", I think you are just starting to feel some of the effects of your CF on not only yourself but others that you love. There is no need to feel bad or guilty about that though.

I agree with Melissa though, you are enabling his/her bad habbit. I understand that you don't at all condone the DUI, who would? But all the same, I think you two need to have a serious discussion about alcohol period because he/she seems to have periods of bad judgement while drinking. And the thing is, I doubt those are the ONLY 2 times he had a few drinks and drove. It just happens to be the only 2 times he was caught. That is one burden he/she is putting on your family that is 100% within his/her control.

I'm not sure if any of my post helped.... but I do agree with you saying that marriage and single counseling is needed. It's not going to be easy to express that to your spouse, and he/she may be put off by it intially so prepare yourself for that. But if the desire to make the marriage work is there, they will go.

Best of luck,

 

[thelizardqueen]

You need to sit down and talk to your spouse. None of the things you mentioned will change unless he knows just how much it bothers you, and how it has to stop. The thing is, is that he needs to want to change too. My partner and I almost broke up last week due to the fact that we were never talking about our problems, and they only got worse. It was to the point were we didn't want to be around each other anymore, because we couldn't stand it.

I don't think these problems are because you have CF and he doesn't. Simply put its because he spends all the money you make (does he contribute to the income?), and he's irresponsible (DUI). You ask if you're "falling out of love". Only you know if that's true. I say try and talk to your spourse first, and if that doesn't work, and he doesn't want to listen or change a bit for the better of the relationship (because lets face it, its always about compromise, and bettering yourself), then personally I would live if I wasn't happy, and maybe you are falling out of love with him, we don't know. Only you do. But like I said - I would at the very least try to salvage the relatioship and improve on it, before I went down the path of "well, maybe I'm falling out of love with him, and its over."

Good luck!

 

[anonymous]

Uhmm first I have to make a bit of a joke..I'm sorry I can't help myself...has anyone else been tempted yet to count how many times the word "spouse" is now in this thread? Crazy mad Spousage everywhere!<br><br>Okay I'm not married never have been so what do I kow.. but I will say - and I could be wrong, I'm not saying this is true of you ...cuz i don't know you obviously <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> But sometimes I think there can be a tendency for myself and possibly others who have CF or diabetes or MS or whatever it may be (sometimes not even a health issue). But who has something that is viewed as sort of an "obstacle" to a relatioship or something. To let our partners get away with a little too much crap because we sort of give them extra credit points for being with us when we have this baggage so to speak. and while I do deeply appreciate all the wonderful mates and hope to find one myself some day. I'm not putting up with a load of BS just because I have health issues. CF sucks enough why let it turn you into a door mat on top of it all?<br><br>And whether you are falling out of love only you can really know but I have to say you don't sound happy and this sounds very stressful and tiring all things that you know are not good for you. And life is short I need not remind you so you know be true to what you stated...your health comes first...but maybe add your happiness. I think your mate has bigger issues than you do. Truly there are worse thing than being alone. If you are unhappy and they know it and still nothing is changing you might need to be packing their bags.<br><br>
Littledebbie not logged in <br><br>@wk, computer not letting me reply when logged in...just freezes up and laughs at me...ARGGHHH technology! and I don't thik I can call my IT dept and say...well i'm trying to login into the forum you see.....he he he

 

[Momofsix]

<b>Nothing</b> on earth constitutes being used as a doormat..
however your spouse is probably not a mind reader  (quote from
my hubby).... I do not believe in a 50/50 relationship I believe
both parties have to be willing to give 100 percent.<br>
First thing is to  get your husband alone  and <b>TALK
TALK TALK</b>   find out exactly what it is he wants from
the relationship and to not be afraid to share your <b>true</b>
feelings about <b><span style=
" text-decoration: underline;">EVERYTHING</b>.. I know from
22 years of marriage I would be afraid to express my feelings at
times  ( rejected in past relationships) but found out there
was a sense of peace once everything was in the open. Then the 2 of
you can decide <i><span style=
" text-decoration: underline;">togethe</i>r just where to go
and the next step to take.  God Bless you and Best wishes

 

[anonymous]

Most relationships have their problems but you need to decide which problems weigh more heavily than the others. If you were to get really sick would your husband or wife be there for you? Would they just drink and get out of control and possible abuse you verbably or physically? Does this person start yelling at you now when he or she drinks? If so, I say run for the hills and forget about the money. You need peace of mind. ~Risa

 

[Ratatosk]

As with most people, I hate worrying about money. Years ago I had a boyfriend/fiance who spent money like it as going out of style -- record albums/cds, collectibles, graphic novels, t-shirts... And I was always footing the bill when we went out for dinner & drinks. Thank goodness I saw the light before getting married. My husband and I are homeowners, drive nice cars, go on vacation once or twice a year, have a few toys. Old boyfriend -- old beater of a car, renting apartment, 2nd hand furniture from his parents house -- but hey the 2nd bedroom is FULL of all his dusty collectibles. Okay I still have issues regarding that relationship. <img src="">

I came from a family that had to do without on alot of things, so I always think twice about purchases. Even just today, I was helping my inlaws buy a new laptop and I thought --- hey, that's a GOOD price and look at all those options. And then I thought -- wait a minute -- we have a perfectly good desktop computer downstairs. Why do I need a laptop -- just to be able to sit in my bed and check my email on the wireless network. My work laptop goes with me when I travel, so WHY in the world do I need to spend money on something I don't need.

You need to talk things out, otherwise you're going to continue to be resentful and things are just going to fester and get worse. You don't need this stress. You're probably losing sleep over it, which isn't good. Probably not eating well 'cuz your stomach is all in knots. Talk to him. Clear the air!

 

[anonymous]

I think the first step like everyone said here is to first sit down and talk to him. If he disagrees about counseling then you have your answer. It is ok to be moody when he leaves. Do not apologize for your behaviour unless you think he deserves one.

I have been an enabler in my relationship and it has only hurt me as I have some resentment toward my spouse. My spouse tells me how much he does for me when I am sick (always throws it in my face) how much he has taken off work and how much money he loses when he does that. For some reason he is always paying me off little by little for all the money that he owes me. That is my problem, He thinks my parents have money therefore I will always have my money. HE has the same amount but he does not want to part with it. He wants to pay me off little by little which is bolongna


Get this, I was sick a little while ago and told him that he can have my credit cards that I do not use (BIG FRIGGING MISTAKE) and he went out and bought a thousand dollar watch. I only found out by looking at my charge card receipt six months later. I do not pay attention to the watches he wears especially when I have been ill. He also paid the credit card bills on time so I had more things to worry about than checking over his head with that.

Of course once I found out, I shredded them all up. I made him pay me back instead of the credit card company or else I would have broking up with him. He paid me back but now because of the rent he owes me another three grand. He had to fork over six thousand dollars to me and now he still owes the rent money.

I am tired of all this CRAP too but he always throws in my face how much he does for me (shop when I do not feel well) and takes me to the doctor etc... YES he does things for me but I feel he is a nuisance too and I just might leave him once in for all and hopefully I will find another way to get help. My family lives out of state so I have no one. If he would pay me back and get another job then perhaps things will settle down. I am going to give myself about six more months and then if things are the same, I am gone with the wind.

My problem and I think it is a similar situation is do we focus on the money (lack of trust) or do we forget about the money and trust that they will work things out. We need to give them a chance to settle things out.

For me, I think my situation is never going to change. Time will tell. I say if we can live in peace most of the time it is worth a shot but if we cannot have peace I say let us get on out of here.