Hi,
Don't apologize for asking... I've gone through this thought process for a long time. I hope that my story will clarify why I am strongly debating this... My brother has guided my thoughts to embark on such a wonderful, but scary, journey...
Some of you on here will remember me from Cystic-l. I have CF, one of 3 CF kids in our family. My brother would have been 34 years old this year and my sister will turn 26 years old this fall. We were all diagnosed at birth.
My brother always was the sicker one. He did well for himself, graduating as an engineer in 1999. He worked full time, but did have multiple hospitalizations in the last 2 years of his life. He pushed himself to go to numerous Phish and Grateful dead concerts. He lived his life to the fullest. His body compensated so much. He got married in 2004, but after the honeymoon, he decompensated, being diagnosed with cor pulmonale (severe due to undiagnosed hypoxia), CF related diabetes, chronic o2 need. Within a month of being married, he had to leave his job to stay home full time, focusing on his health. He was listed for transplant.
I was in school full-time to be a nurse practitioner; I left PRN nursing work to take him on as my full-time responsibility so his wife could work (save enough time off for transplant and post-transplant). I spent days over there, caring for him, taking him to multiple dr appts.
He was transplanted March 2005 -- within 3 weeks he passed away due to infection and poor healing at the R lung anastamosis site.
So, since then, I have learned to take it one day at a time, live each day to its fullest, and do what *you* want to do in the world.
What I want more than anything in this world is to be a mom. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have a husband there at my side. However, I'm not getting any younger and my lung function is not going to stay up forever. My CF doctor has told me now is the time to do it if I want to fully enjoy the maximum time with a child.
I didn't pursue single motherhood right away -- I knew my brother wanted me to finish my degree. I graduated with honors as a pediatric nurse practitioner. I owed him that much.
Now 3 years later, I am still yearning to fulfill my motherhood desires. I have worked full time the last 2 years in my other love -- the pediatric ICU as a critical care pediatric nurse practitioner. I love my job, love the kids I take care of... but I am ready for my own child to care for...
I worry that if I wait for a "husband," I will be missing out on wonderful times as a mom. I know it is hard work to be a single parent. I have a great support system that will be there to help me on this long road. I have had many long term relationships... all seem to end when CF starts to enter the picture (one ended when my brother died, another when both of us had CF and having a family would be difficult, another one ended when I talked about being a mom despite having CF).
I may end up waiting 2-3 years for the time to have a child... And by that time, I may not be as healthy and then I won't want to risk my health to carry a child. I want that opportunity to carry the baby on my own. I know that people can carry when FEV1 are less than 50, but I won't risk that on my own. My FEV1 is 60's.
My sister and her husband (she's been married for 1 year to her love of 7 years!) are currently pregnany via surrogate and are due in December. She won't risk her health as her FEV1 is under 50%.
I may be young compared to the normal population having babies, but if you look at a majority of those CF women having children, I am not too young here.
I know it isn't ideal... but I think this is the best for me and what I can offer my child. I would hate to miss out on such a great opportunity just because I am not married.
Thanks, Jenn
