hi. i am a member here but am choosing to be anonymous for this question. i wonder how you guys talk to your partners about sex--specifically if you feel like you want to be having more sex than you are. the obvious problem is that the more you talk about it, the more akward it becomes... i have decided to just give it time, but i am like having dreams about having sex with other guys, which can't be good. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif" border="0"> thoughts?
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talking to your partner about sex
- Thread starter anonymous
- Start date
DH and I are very open about what we want/need. Communication is the key. What is keeping you from just chatting with him and saying something about how you feel? Are you afraid he won't feel the same? If you want more sex, I would suggest telling him in a mature way that you feel a bit "detached" physically and emotionally because of this. Maybe there is something else going on that he will open up to you about. If he still resists, I would ask him why he feels this way? Just be sure to not put blame on each other or apologize for feeling the way you do. Your feeling are very real and should be addressed if that is how you feel.
I don't think the conversation has to be awkward if you approach it in a conversational way (maybe over a plate of pasta and wine?) or something like that. I often bring up serious and sometimes awkward things up when my DH and I are just sitting around with each other. It takes the pressure off of me to have a sit down "meeting" to attack the subject. If I bring it up on my time and ask him if we can talk, I don't have to dread sitting down and what I'll say, etc.... Honestly, the longer you wait and plan what you want to say, the tougher it will get. Just be honest with him and even tell him how awkward you feel, and he should be more open to what you have to say.
Good luck. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
I don't think the conversation has to be awkward if you approach it in a conversational way (maybe over a plate of pasta and wine?) or something like that. I often bring up serious and sometimes awkward things up when my DH and I are just sitting around with each other. It takes the pressure off of me to have a sit down "meeting" to attack the subject. If I bring it up on my time and ask him if we can talk, I don't have to dread sitting down and what I'll say, etc.... Honestly, the longer you wait and plan what you want to say, the tougher it will get. Just be honest with him and even tell him how awkward you feel, and he should be more open to what you have to say.
Good luck. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
Emily65Roses
New member
What Sonia said. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
Mike and I have had these types of talks before. I don't want to embarrass anyone, but in short... Mike was kind of "over-used" by his past girlfriend. She guilted him into sex way way often (I'm talking ridiculous here). Anyhow, point is, he doesn't function quite the same as he used to, or as he "should." So his sex drive, for 20 year old male, is kind of low. Me being a fan of sex, I've discussed the idea with him. We do have fun often enough for me now. If I'm just feeling physically frustrated, I take care of it myself. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-blush.gif" border="0"> We're together often enough now, though, that intimacy between us is not a problem.
I have, like I said though, had those times before. We'd gone for a while, and were only together maybe... once every two weeks. It was a little less than I liked, and I told him so. Usually they're just "phases" and are gone again in a matter of weeks.
Is this just a phase you're going through, or have you always not had enough sex together? If it's phase, it'll probably pass. At least in my unprofessional opinion.
Mike and I have had these types of talks before. I don't want to embarrass anyone, but in short... Mike was kind of "over-used" by his past girlfriend. She guilted him into sex way way often (I'm talking ridiculous here). Anyhow, point is, he doesn't function quite the same as he used to, or as he "should." So his sex drive, for 20 year old male, is kind of low. Me being a fan of sex, I've discussed the idea with him. We do have fun often enough for me now. If I'm just feeling physically frustrated, I take care of it myself. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-blush.gif" border="0"> We're together often enough now, though, that intimacy between us is not a problem.
I have, like I said though, had those times before. We'd gone for a while, and were only together maybe... once every two weeks. It was a little less than I liked, and I told him so. Usually they're just "phases" and are gone again in a matter of weeks.
Is this just a phase you're going through, or have you always not had enough sex together? If it's phase, it'll probably pass. At least in my unprofessional opinion.
Hmmmm..I like to talk talk talk talk...I have yet to meet a guy that like to talk as much as me...surprise. Talking about sex...hey that revs my engine what can I say <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
I have noticed when having to have somewhat uncomfortable talks it helps if i do it in a way as to not demand eye contact. strange I know, but I think it's another way to take pressure off, like others mentioned. The car is kind of a good place because everyone is looking straight ahead.
Also maybe being open minded to alternatives. Like if he is not uhmm shall we say Up for the actual deed maybe he could be involved in helping you get uhmmm satisfaction. I think a lot of factors affect men more than we think sometimes, stress, health, mood. It might help to not focus so much on trying to "get to the bottom of it" he can see a Dr or therapist for that. maybe more of a "look i get that you are going through something and working it out or whatever, I have told you I'm here for you if you need me or want to talk, but in the mean time we've got to find a way to work together to keep me "happy'".
Just my 2 cents.
littledebbie not logged in-
and now happily strolling down memory lane.....which is the only place she currently gets anywhere near sex. i wonder if i can move in on Memory lane. Amy decided not to live in Hypothetical afterall, so perhaps i can move to Memory lane! Maybe Amy would prefer to join me there, we could be neighbors!
I have noticed when having to have somewhat uncomfortable talks it helps if i do it in a way as to not demand eye contact. strange I know, but I think it's another way to take pressure off, like others mentioned. The car is kind of a good place because everyone is looking straight ahead.
Also maybe being open minded to alternatives. Like if he is not uhmm shall we say Up for the actual deed maybe he could be involved in helping you get uhmmm satisfaction. I think a lot of factors affect men more than we think sometimes, stress, health, mood. It might help to not focus so much on trying to "get to the bottom of it" he can see a Dr or therapist for that. maybe more of a "look i get that you are going through something and working it out or whatever, I have told you I'm here for you if you need me or want to talk, but in the mean time we've got to find a way to work together to keep me "happy'".
Just my 2 cents.
littledebbie not logged in-
and now happily strolling down memory lane.....which is the only place she currently gets anywhere near sex. i wonder if i can move in on Memory lane. Amy decided not to live in Hypothetical afterall, so perhaps i can move to Memory lane! Maybe Amy would prefer to join me there, we could be neighbors!
princessjdc
New member
I've had conversations with my hubby on this subject, its not awkward to me, just let him know what you want and feell, I always ask my hubby why he doesn't want to to do it that much and then we go from there. Hope that kinda helps
I'll try and tell you from a male point of view. My wife gets frustrated like you seem to be. I usually get tired and stressed from work, school, job, you name it. We start having less sex. I don't much like when she tries to get me to have more sex directly. I feel too much pressure to make it "just right". What I like are the suttle ways that she will tease me. Maybe she doesn't even know she is doing it, or maybe she is clever and does, not the point I guess. I start to get more turned on and then all I can think of is sex. Then as we start to have more sex, I want more sex. It's true what Emily wrote too, the sex comes in phases (no pun intended...hee hee). The key is to not make him feel pressured to have sex. That kills a male libido quicker than ice water in the lap. Good Luck!!!
Emily65Roses
New member
LOL what Doug said about subtlety kind of reminded me..
Use what you know about your man and his preferences. My Mike is a boob man. If I'm particularly in the mood, and he doesn't seem one way or another, I will accent my boobs (proper shirt placement, holding your arms in to squeeze the area, etc). It works. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> lol
Oh and besides, doing it that way makes YOU feel wanted. It's not like you're just forcing him to do it. He sees what he likes, and makes the move on <i>you</i>. I love when that works. Ahahahaa.
Use what you know about your man and his preferences. My Mike is a boob man. If I'm particularly in the mood, and he doesn't seem one way or another, I will accent my boobs (proper shirt placement, holding your arms in to squeeze the area, etc). It works. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> lol
Oh and besides, doing it that way makes YOU feel wanted. It's not like you're just forcing him to do it. He sees what he likes, and makes the move on <i>you</i>. I love when that works. Ahahahaa.
sarabeth87
New member
how do you talk to your partner about LESS sex??? (not joking, i'm serious)
Emily65Roses
New member
Sara, if that's your problem, you can make it very simple. I don't know if the reason is physical or emotional/mental with you... but you can tell him it just wears you out too fast. Your body is kinda blah, and doing it too often is just way too difficult for you.
sarabeth87
New member
it does wear me out pretty bad, then i have the huge coughing fits afterwards (sometimes even during) and that pretty much ruins the moment
Emily65Roses
New member
Debbie, yes!! Mike's main response is always to cringe and then say "You're crushing me!!"
Ok, guys I have a really funny story, bear with me ~ it is sooo worth it. Em's "take care of myself" post reminded me.
So we are with the other wives of the "firm" and troys boss' wife is hosting us all for a luncheon. I have absolutely nothing in common with any of them but for some reason, we all try to find something in common. I do have one very good friend that is a wife and she knows me quite well.
We start talking about christmas gifts and I tell them about how Troys mother just got me the newest thing. It is so great and I just love it ~ Its the lates and greatest SILVER BULLET. (I had just been to an "adult" party the night before)
So, my friend that knows I am not that open gives me "the look" like, "oh, really" and I immediately catch my mystake, after going on an on about how much I love my silver bullet, I realized I was talking about the MAGIC BULLET. The dicer and chopper for the kitchen!
OMG ~ total embarrasment. Needless to say, I havnt been invited for another luncheon ~ whenches!
So funny. If you dont get this story, you really have to get out more.
So we are with the other wives of the "firm" and troys boss' wife is hosting us all for a luncheon. I have absolutely nothing in common with any of them but for some reason, we all try to find something in common. I do have one very good friend that is a wife and she knows me quite well.
We start talking about christmas gifts and I tell them about how Troys mother just got me the newest thing. It is so great and I just love it ~ Its the lates and greatest SILVER BULLET. (I had just been to an "adult" party the night before)
So, my friend that knows I am not that open gives me "the look" like, "oh, really" and I immediately catch my mystake, after going on an on about how much I love my silver bullet, I realized I was talking about the MAGIC BULLET. The dicer and chopper for the kitchen!
OMG ~ total embarrasment. Needless to say, I havnt been invited for another luncheon ~ whenches!
So funny. If you dont get this story, you really have to get out more.
That was pretty darn funny Karen. Silver bullet or Magic bullet, I would have invited you back <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
To the initial poster:
I asked Mark's opinion on this, to see how the guy feels. He suggests the following. If your BF says the attraction is there, just not the desire/drive he ought to go into the doctor to get his testosterone level checked. There are a number of factors that can influence testosterone.
I asked Mark, "should she tell him how it makes HER feel" (because I know if it were me, I would tend to take it personally) and he said NOOOOOOO. Because if they have already discussed it and nothing's really changing, that's just going to make him feel more pressure and feel much worse about the situation. Especially if maybe something medical is going on (testosterone level or something else).
I'm not sure if that really helps you out or not but maybe it's someting to consider????
I wish you the best with it.
To the initial poster:
I asked Mark's opinion on this, to see how the guy feels. He suggests the following. If your BF says the attraction is there, just not the desire/drive he ought to go into the doctor to get his testosterone level checked. There are a number of factors that can influence testosterone.
I asked Mark, "should she tell him how it makes HER feel" (because I know if it were me, I would tend to take it personally) and he said NOOOOOOO. Because if they have already discussed it and nothing's really changing, that's just going to make him feel more pressure and feel much worse about the situation. Especially if maybe something medical is going on (testosterone level or something else).
I'm not sure if that really helps you out or not but maybe it's someting to consider????
I wish you the best with it.
thank you guys for taking the time to respond to this and julie for asking your husband. a few of you asked questions which are fairly easy to answer. yes, we used to have more sex...like the cliche, all the time at first. but even then he said that was unusual for him. he told me a story about his ex-girlfriend getting so frustrated with him (this was many years ago) that she would get in the shower with him and basically seduce him when he was powerless! that story has come back to haunt me so many times...I DON'T WANT TO TURN INTO THAT.
i think that my bf has always had a low sex drive, from what i can figure. in addition to that, he is older than me and well, i don't think that helps anything. things like work do wear us both out. but it seems to me like it is always something! like a head ache or a stomach ache or just being too tired.
AND (hope this is not TMI) the problem is sort of compounded by the fact that for various reasons, his "tolerance" is not very high, and me being a woman, of course i am hard to please! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif" border="0"> and believe me, i have no problem helping myself along, but still...
two days ago i was at my bf's house and i had to leave to go home for the night. i told him that i wished i could stay so that we could fool around. he seemed to like that idea--but i really did have to go. then the next night, we go out to dinner, get home, but he's been fighting this terrible headache all night. i go to bed and he comes to kiss me good night and says he had been hoping we could fool around but between his head and me being tired, it didn't seem possible. he knows i want more sex. but i have realized that the only way for me to get what i want is to be patient, and suggstive, and to not make him feel bad or pressured. all i said to him was "you can't rush a good thing" <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
and yes, we have talked about it. several times. but we never come up with anything new. we say we won't will wait to go to bed until we are exhausted, we say this and that, and being attracted to each other is most definitly NOT the problem. but for me, i know it is kind of an insecurity or whatever, but i feel like i want the warm fuzzy feeling that comes from being intimate. and when i don't get that, i start to doubt how he feels. at least this has been my pattern.
anyway- anymore input from guys or gals would be appriciated.
thanks.
i think that my bf has always had a low sex drive, from what i can figure. in addition to that, he is older than me and well, i don't think that helps anything. things like work do wear us both out. but it seems to me like it is always something! like a head ache or a stomach ache or just being too tired.
AND (hope this is not TMI) the problem is sort of compounded by the fact that for various reasons, his "tolerance" is not very high, and me being a woman, of course i am hard to please! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif" border="0"> and believe me, i have no problem helping myself along, but still...
two days ago i was at my bf's house and i had to leave to go home for the night. i told him that i wished i could stay so that we could fool around. he seemed to like that idea--but i really did have to go. then the next night, we go out to dinner, get home, but he's been fighting this terrible headache all night. i go to bed and he comes to kiss me good night and says he had been hoping we could fool around but between his head and me being tired, it didn't seem possible. he knows i want more sex. but i have realized that the only way for me to get what i want is to be patient, and suggstive, and to not make him feel bad or pressured. all i said to him was "you can't rush a good thing" <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
and yes, we have talked about it. several times. but we never come up with anything new. we say we won't will wait to go to bed until we are exhausted, we say this and that, and being attracted to each other is most definitly NOT the problem. but for me, i know it is kind of an insecurity or whatever, but i feel like i want the warm fuzzy feeling that comes from being intimate. and when i don't get that, i start to doubt how he feels. at least this has been my pattern.
anyway- anymore input from guys or gals would be appriciated.
thanks.
dying2live
New member
I find for me that I get too tired for sex by the end of the day and if my husband is interested there is a 99% chance he isn't getting any. Meds, kids, and exercise just takes it all out of me and the last thing I want to do is some amazing acrobatics with an oxygen cord attached to my face. My husband and I have talked about this often because he does want it more then me and we have learned that the mornings are a lot easier on me and I am often in the mood then. Unfortunately he leaves for work at 6am so we normally only find time on the weekends but we make it enjoyable when it does happen.
LOL LittleDebbie and Emily65Roses been there done that. We find that the coughing attacks can be a fun time for him to tease me and see how long it takes the joy of his touch to overcome the coughing.
Sex with a 50-foot oxygen cord... talk about bondage.
Katie
LOL LittleDebbie and Emily65Roses been there done that. We find that the coughing attacks can be a fun time for him to tease me and see how long it takes the joy of his touch to overcome the coughing.
Sex with a 50-foot oxygen cord... talk about bondage.
Katie
silver bullet, ha ha <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
...anyone know where you can get spare batteries for them? <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> poor little guy has been idle for a while now...<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif" border="0">
...anyone know where you can get spare batteries for them? <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> poor little guy has been idle for a while now...<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif" border="0">