Throwing my hat into the ring... thanks to our good friend WinAce

[anonymous]

Friends,

If you asked me the day before yesterday what CF was, I'm sure I couldn't have said what disease it was. Nor would I have tried to guess.

But yesterday serching on the web I made a typo and came up onto a christian website which had a smiling photo of a young man and the dates 1984-2005. I thought perhaps it may have been some joker having some sic fun cyberly, but then I moved to the top of the page to see the banner for christianity and knew that it wasn't a joke then. I decided that I had to find out more about how this cute young man died at such an early age.

I think I came across it at about 9:40am and spent all the work day going from website to website, page after page for hours. I couldn't wait to get home to keep learning more about this incredible man and the life and the love he persued. I printed out a photo and framed it on my wall right beside my computer and then went to bed about 3am.

No, even my own mothers passing some years ago has not kicked me so hard in the balls emotionally as Allans life and story has hit me. I don't think I've ever cryed so much in my life, the keyboard splattered with teardrops of rage, pain, unknowingness and his words laughter.

I can say honestly that I considered myself untouched emotionally and void myself from charitable intitutions or orginizations to devout a calling to or to be involved and or associted with.

I considered myself....past tense.

It gives me great pleasure today to know what cause I stand for, and to those to whom I stand up for, and to continue the walk in the memory of a great young man.

What makes my situation odd (no I don't have CF, know any personal friends with CF) is that I'm a 20 year smoker (by choice) in very good health. I know all about lung cancer from all the information that is tossed out by the ALCS (American Lung Cancer Society aka American Cancer Society).

Ignorant even of my own health, people have always done more with less.

I look forward to meeting and making new friends here on this CF internet who come from all corners of CF life. You will be my eye's, ears, mentors and I'm sure very, very good friends. Maybe I will meet a few of you. I know that I will pray for you, and I know that I will try to do something for you. Whatever is needed.

Oh....yea...that hat?

It was a cowboy hat.

Jim Higgins, 40
Seattle, Washington
jimhiggins_@hotmail.com

 

[Emily65Roses]

Well I think that's incredibly awesome. lol <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
Allan was awesome too. His fiancee Jess still comes here from time to time. I imagine she'll stumble across this at some point and be glad to read it.

It's nice to know you have found a charity with which to associate yourself. My boyfriend Mike's family has always donated to cancer (Mike's grandmother died of breast cancer), but never had a living person really to raise money for. Then Mike started dating me in 03 and now they donate to the CF Foundation for me. They were trying to sell an old minivan and couldn't get what they wanted for it, so they donated it. Steve now does a 150-mile bike ride for CF "every" summer (I say that only because it's only been this past summer so far, but I know he plans to again this year) called the Seacoast Safari.

Anyway, I ramble. Beware. Hahaha. But I think it's great to find something you can care that much about, even if you don't have any "real life" personal reasons to care. Actually, that makes it kind of cooler. Most people that know anything about CF only know because they have friends, family, or spouses with it. You now know about it simply because you found Allan's picture and researched it all day. I think that's awesome.

If you ever want to talk one on one with anyone, do not hesitate to contact me somehow. I never know if people can see my signature or not, but my name is Emily, I'm 22 and have CF. You can email me if you like at Emily65Roses@yahoo.com. Or if you have AIM you can harass me there too, my name on that is the same: Emily65Roses. I love having CF-related stalkers, so feel free if you decide you'd like to. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[Seana30]

<STRONG><FONT face="Lucida Handwriting" color=#008000 size=3>Jim,What a touching post!  It is wonderful to meet you!If you would have asked me 4 years ago what CF was I would have said "huh?"  My daughter was diagnosed with CF when she was 10 years old.  She is now 13.Allan was a wonderful man.  In one post he could make you laugh, cry, giggle, and breakdown and sob.  We was so great with words.  He is and will be greatly missed.I wanted to let you know that every year there is "Great Strides".  It is normally held between April and June, and all you have to do is go to the CF website and click on the Great Strides icon.  I am sure there is one in Seattle.  It is normally a 1-4 mile walk and the CF website has some wonderful ideas on how to raise funds for the walk.Here in El Paso, TX we also have a yearly CF poker run, although the state is trying to shut it down because they say that poker runs are considered gambling.Again, it was a pleasure to meet you, and I hope to talk with you again soon.Seana age 32mom to Lauren- 14, no CF     Courtney-13, with CF     Cameron-10, no CF</FONT></STRONG>

 

[JazzysMom]

I believe there is a reason that you stumbled onto Allan a/k/a Win Ace. He will be remembered well beyond his expectations. Thanks for researching & learning more about him & CF in general!

 

[rose4cale]

Welcome Jim. Allan will forever live on with so many people. It amazes me that you came across him through technology, without knowing him and feel about him the way so many of people felt about him while he was still with us. I believe in fate on different levels, but there is a reason you came here. Hope I don't sound crazy!!

Your post was moving and we hope to learn more about you as you learn about us.

As fate or irony may have, I did know about CF when my son was diagnosed. Many years ago, when I was in High School, I did a fundraiser for CF. As I learned about it, it haunted me knowing it was a disease that struck young people so viciously. That was about 15 years ago so a lot has changed since then. I did my fundraiser and went on with my life. At the same time my husband, whom I didn't know at the time was also doing fundraisers for CF, not knowing anyone with it. Years later, we met, fell in love and had kids. Our son was diagnosed with CF in 2004.

The first donation my mom made as a young adult was to Multiple Sclerosis. She was later diagnosed with MS in her 30's. Strange huh?

Anyway, welcome. We're glad you're here.

 

[Faust]

Hi Jim nice to meet you. #1 stop smoking. #2 If we are to "be your eyes and ears", I'd like to be your right ear ok? I officially take dibs on being the right ear. Please consider me for that position. Thanks.

 

[jimhigginsCF]

WOW!!

I feel so good knowing that people actually read these posts...lol. Personally, with so many different places to chat and to post, one can get quite lost in the forums. I really was going to wait till tomorrow to see if I had at least 1...lol.

Certainly I have so many questions and research to ask. I have a personal inquizitive nature about people. I use to be a journalist in the Navy about 15 years ago, loved to write the features section about people. I guess I met my match with all of Allans unique day to day mini autobiographies. After all isn't that really what a blog today is, a techno circuit driven, non-bounded book without lock and key, diary?

It's an avid writers soap box, it's the quintesential element in connecting thoughts and groups of thoughts together virtually instantanously, the sharing of news and information from many many people together in a common voice.

Thank you my new CF friends and to all those who will come.

I look at the shadow of great man, it is in that shadow which is my new energy, my new hope, and my new strength. Because he now baskes in a great light his shadow is defined so clearly to show me what I never saw exist. Truely I very grateful, and I sure he probably knows it too. I hope that he helps guide my spiritually (oops...well maybe..he'll make a small sarifice since the role is reversed now). He was a athiest, but I wonder if you have believe in people from the other side of life.

As you can see I can blab on as well. Yes many places to get involved with locally and the walks are coming up in spring.

Thanks again and I'll chat with you all very very soon!
Jim

 

[julie]

Jim,

You post is so incredibly touching and gives me hope. Allan's girlfriend checks out this site sometimes, I am sure she would be forever moved by your post. To know that even after his passing from this earth, Allan is continuing to make a difference in the lives of others. I wasn't Allans best friend, although he had SO many, but he was my GREAT friend and always had something to say to make someone laugh or make someone stop and think. He was an incredibly smart, strong and passionate man who wanted nothing more than to spread awareness, about CF and about his personal struggles.

My husband is 25 with CF and we just moved back to Washington (slightly south of Arlington) state on my military orders to Everett. If you have any questions about CF "going-ons" in the state of Washington I'd be happy to pass on some contact information for fundraising, activities and groups, the yearly CF walk GREAT STRIDES and others to talk to for more information on CF, I am here. I have not yet become active in the WA state chapter, although I have been in contact via phone with some people.

I am just so moved by your post, thank you for choosing to share this with all of us!

As far as your questions and curiosity about CF, please feel free to ask any questions that you might have, ask for clairification on things that just don't make sense and make some friends in all of us! Welcome to our family!!!!

 

[Diane]

Hi Jim,
Its great to meet you ! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> Anything in reference to allan ( Winace) always gets my attention. I think it gets almost all of ours. We got to know him , love him, and then lose him. What a sad day that was. Im glad his story has touched your heart and made you want to do something, anything to get involved. I'm sure Alan is smiling right now knowing even in death he has inspired someone. I know Jess will love to know this as well. Please find a way to stop smoking, all of us on here would love to have your healthy lungs, and would like to help give you the courage and oomph to stop as soon as possible. any questions, just ask away ....... we are all here to help <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> Welcome !!

 

[jimhigginsCF]

Hi Julie...

I think I just on your page a short time ago posting...lol

I hope to meet you and your husband at a strideswalk someday, it would mean a lot I'm sure to all of us.

I've already been on several webpages today seeking out my local chapter, finding out more info on CF, and yes...even a dating page for "able" people!

To say how I feel about being apart of the CF community, is right now...quite undiscribable. Even though Allan is gone...I will walk his walk and carry the light on to show others, as I was once so blind to see, not WHAT the disease is, not WHERE the disease is, but to WHO are affected.

As a former journalist, out of the 4W's in the first sentence (Who, What, Where, Why and How), the only one that counts basically is Who. "Shelly Winters dies today at...." "William Shatner today auctioned....." "President Bush says in a statement...." ", "20 yo Allan Glenn, a young man from Carrboro, NC today lost..."

Oh...yea, name any one of thousands diseases and I'm know there are lots of people in agencies, foundations and orginizations as well as foundation grantors, supporters, volunteers and a whole host of doctors, researchers, anaylists...it goes on and on.

But Allan kicked me in the balls. No one has ever been able to do that. No matter whether it was flyers from the ACS, little kids collecting for Jerry at the door or my own mothers passing from Cancer. No one of them could get me off my duff and march withh their flag of hope and glory.

I owe him my thanks when I get to see him for giving me purpose in life now. A purpose I have been looking for emotionally. A pupose he knew I needed.

Call it divinity? I don't know.

I'm sure to meet so many people here online and in person now.

And my education has only just started.

Thank you all for YOUR support. I stand here with with what I can give (which isn't much at this time). And if I need to go to Congress for CF, by all accounts I will!!

Ohhh...I just learned you can't say naughty words here....lol i just had to re-write that last sentence...lol

So here's a toast! (Sparkling Cider...please for me) To the rest of my lifelong days supporting, learning, understanding and loving all that I meet on this new path I've taken. Cheers to you all, may our CF days be always filled with hope and joy!

Thank you again.

 

[jimhigginsCF]

Diane,

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I'm sure Allan would want my best health too to quit, and I think that he's going to make my life just as miserable for a time trying to quit as he had going down his path. Although some people can get away with it....George Burns died at 100 smoking a cigar everyday...lol

No...that's not really that funny about Mr. Burns...but tell you the truth I have taken smoking in time as to my own demise in life. Slowly killing myself in time. i started only to impress a girl in high school. Natuarally, I got addicted and at 5 years I thought I was smoke king and that absolutly nothing could be better then a relaxing smoke.

When I turned 35, I started to try to quit. It turned out that the cure cost more then the disease...but I had stayed clear and free for 3 months before I fell back.

It's interesting that when my parents first married in 1960, they both smoked. They took a vow together to quit smoking when my brother was born. Dad won the bet and my mother lost. I think she went on smoking after he was born. When I was born 4 years later, I had breathing problems, (probably emphysima I'm sure), and labored in a special air tent for about 3 weeks before my symptoms cleared up. My mother thought for sure that I'd go the way of my sisters some years before. One was still born, and one died 2 days after conception from "complications".

We all make choices as adults in life. The choice to drink and drive...the choice to smoke cigarettes...the choice to ingest drugs (both legal and illegal).

And sometimes your life becomes so obscure to that of Beaver Cleaver that you really don't care that you willing know your killing yourself. All the ACS brochures, co-workers, the new laws enacted.

To those of us still thinking like a pre-natal teen (commonly known as teen angst), the harder society and the law pushes, the harder we have to push back in angst against the establishment.

Yes, I know I'm killing myself, and I know I could only stop it with finding someone to kiss me each time I needed smoke a drag or a fag.

But you can't sit at the bar and meet nice non-smoking woman...(uh...I take that back). Recent laws Jan 1st .....

I'd have better luck in a bowling lane tournament in the frozen food isle at the grocery store. Eh...I try to keep just a tad bit of humor)

Although I think that up to now...the old man in the mall was probably the closest I came emotionally to understanding.

I was visiting a friend in Huntsville, Alabama on shore leave when he, his girlfriend and I all went out to a mall one afternoon. After a couple hours of window shopping I excused myself for a smoke at the center court fountain. It was there that an old man approached me with his cane at a snails pace. he sat next to me and started to tell me all about his family.

"I'm the only one left in my family" he said.
"I had two sisters and three brothers" he continued.

There was a long pause and I glanced over to him. His head hanging low like he just heard of a death. I thought for a second it he was checking to see if he left his fly open.

Suddenly he let out a long sigh as he brought his head back up. I returned to my original position.

"They all died of lung cancer" he said in a monotone voice. I dedicated a look in his direction only to see his face.

That face, that look. The bags under his eyes, the baggy and soupy skin that hung off his jaw, those eyes. Tired. Tired of life. i thought for a second that a hound dog would look better then this guy.

It seemed like an eternity looking at him in that one moment.

Then he started to get up with the aid of his cane, and said "You shouldn't smoke, it's bad for you"

He turned ever so slightly to his left and I walked up and shook his extended hand he was trying turn around.

I watched him for the next 5 minutes climbing the stairs back up to the main floor while smoking another cigarette.

Suddenly I decided to rejoin my friend and his girlfriend a minute later after finishing my cigarrette and skipped up the main level two steps at a time.

I was curious to see where the old man was going to travel off to.

But I was just about 30 seconds behing him...

And the old guy just plain vanished into thin air.

Traveling at a snails pace he would have been no more then 20-25 feet from the stairwell, and the crowd in the mall was extremly light. The closest mall exit was 700 ft. (I paced it!) I walked all the way down the mall and back. I saw which direction he walked out to from the top of the stairs.

What do they call that...divinity...?

Like Allan...I've never a mind to be so religious as to say it was divinity. I know he and I reasoned things out through science, not the hokus pokus.

But I can not explain November 26th 1999 and I certainly as hell cannot explain January 16, 2006.

There is one other I can not explain either...the night July 23rd 2003. A beatifull girl, drinks and a car crash that I know had my number all over it.

I remember I was asked by the police officer..."You were in the passenger seat?"

"Yeah" I said.

"How did you get out?" he asked me.

I started to question him and was going to really give him a few tounge lashings when I started to look over to the van...

The entire passenger side of the Chevy Astro was completly crushed in all the way to the center consol. I only had a very small bruise on my left leg.

Divinity?

Someone's GOT to be looking after me.

I gave up looking for hocky pokey answers after joining occult, paranormal and spiritual sites searching for answers.

Now this.

I'm thinking palm and card readings...maybe even hypnosis. Anything to explain the "WHY" in my life.

But I think for the time being, and the way I'm writing it in my book of JOB...

You will know all the answers to your questions when you completed your mission.

And that's why I smoke... I want to cheat life so quickly as to find out all the answers in the questions of my life. Yes, call it a death wish of sorts.

But then again.... God and heaven are based on religion and not science. (although Mt. Ararat does have a big wooden boat stuck in it's glacier)

As I've said to myself many times before.... just screw it...and see where life takes you.

But damn if i don't hate the curb balls...lol

Thank you again Diane for your reply. Sometimes being a journalist is just downright long in the word!...lol

All my best,
Jim

 

[EmilysMom]

Jim,
I am enjoying your posts immensely and welcome to the site! I cried for most of the beginnings of the posts thinking about Allan and missing his posts. He always made me cry and laugh at the same time! I am Barbara and I belong to Emily65Roses (or she belongs to me). No...I guess if she had it her way....I belong to her!
I am a reformed smoker. I quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant with Emily and didn't touch another cigarette until she was two days old and they took her away from me and sent her to another hospital for surgery and told me she had a 50/50 chance of seeing her 18th birthday. I have since then quit again and haven't had another one in almost 19 years. Obviously, we would all love to see you quit because it's better for your health, but you have to do what you have to do!
I think we are all thrilled to see someone on the boards who found us (especially through Allan) and is actually anxious to find out more about CF.....and isn't just "passing through".
Welcome to our family!
Barbara<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">

 

[JazzysMom]

In more ways than just mentioning Allans name......I feel like I am once again thrown into the joy of his words just from reading your posts. It brings back a great sense that came with the mighty WinACe...please dont give us a tease. Continue your contact & fight for Allan & the rest of us!