What If.

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Emily65Roses

New member
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>SeanDavis</b></i><br>
And we say that "Well I'd do it again in a heart beat" (regarding being with this particular mate even though you think he will die of CF)...It's the nice thing to say, and you probably genuinely feel that way, but if you were presented two 100% exact in every way potential mates (looks, charm, personality, wealth, feelings, emotions, etc etc), and one had CF and one was normal, you would pick the normal one for countless reasons. Perspective and timeline can make everything relative..<hr></blockquote>

My only main problem with that is... Two people that are alike, except one has CF and one is healthy... are not going to be 100% alike in every other way, because CF has an impact on personality. But of course, if one was given the choice, they'd take the healthy version of the person they love. But if Mike was offered me with CF... or someone else entirely, he'd choose me with CF even though it's more difficult. Like Allie said. You could be content with your life, or really know what love is. If really knowing love means you love a dying mess, then it means you love a dying mess. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> <img src="i/expressions/heart.gif" border="0">
 
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Emily65Roses

New member
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>SeanDavis</b></i><br>
And we say that "Well I'd do it again in a heart beat" (regarding being with this particular mate even though you think he will die of CF)...It's the nice thing to say, and you probably genuinely feel that way, but if you were presented two 100% exact in every way potential mates (looks, charm, personality, wealth, feelings, emotions, etc etc), and one had CF and one was normal, you would pick the normal one for countless reasons. Perspective and timeline can make everything relative..<hr></blockquote>

My only main problem with that is... Two people that are alike, except one has CF and one is healthy... are not going to be 100% alike in every other way, because CF has an impact on personality. But of course, if one was given the choice, they'd take the healthy version of the person they love. But if Mike was offered me with CF... or someone else entirely, he'd choose me with CF even though it's more difficult. Like Allie said. You could be content with your life, or really know what love is. If really knowing love means you love a dying mess, then it means you love a dying mess. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> <img src="i/expressions/heart.gif" border="0">
 
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thelizardqueen

New member
"Better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all". I wouldn't set out to find a CFer to fall in love with, but if the person I happened to fall in love with had CF, then that would be a part of him that I would love and accept regardless of the consequences. I have CF myself, and I wonder how it is that my boyfriend knows that I have CF and may die on him eventually, and he is only happy to accept that consequence of being in love with me. The way I see it, is you don't choose who you fall in love with. I think I would rather have 5 years of true happiness and love with someone that I knew was going to die, then a lifetime of loneliness. You can't say for sure that you're going to outlive someone with CF, or vice versa. My boyfriend could be hit by a bus tomorrow and die. He could get skin cancer 3 years from now and die. The way I see it, is that there are no guarantees in life, and that you should take what you can get. Like myself - I would rather lead of short life of happiness filled with great memories, laughter, fun and tears, then to live a long and happy life never knowing what could have been.
 
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thelizardqueen

New member
"Better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all". I wouldn't set out to find a CFer to fall in love with, but if the person I happened to fall in love with had CF, then that would be a part of him that I would love and accept regardless of the consequences. I have CF myself, and I wonder how it is that my boyfriend knows that I have CF and may die on him eventually, and he is only happy to accept that consequence of being in love with me. The way I see it, is you don't choose who you fall in love with. I think I would rather have 5 years of true happiness and love with someone that I knew was going to die, then a lifetime of loneliness. You can't say for sure that you're going to outlive someone with CF, or vice versa. My boyfriend could be hit by a bus tomorrow and die. He could get skin cancer 3 years from now and die. The way I see it, is that there are no guarantees in life, and that you should take what you can get. Like myself - I would rather lead of short life of happiness filled with great memories, laughter, fun and tears, then to live a long and happy life never knowing what could have been.
 
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anonymous

New member
Not everyone knows about CF when they get married. My husband was diagnosed with CF after we had been married several years. But I would have married him even if I had known. My point is, sometimes you marry someone thinking they are healthy and you find out later they are not. Anything can happen.
 
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anonymous

New member
Not everyone knows about CF when they get married. My husband was diagnosed with CF after we had been married several years. But I would have married him even if I had known. My point is, sometimes you marry someone thinking they are healthy and you find out later they are not. Anything can happen.
 
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65rosessamurai

Guest
Just came across this post, must've missed it during my long vacation!
I must've been really naive about love when I had my first marriage, and didn't know what love was about then. I never asked the right questions to my ex-wife before we married, and I certainly didn't know about the reproductive problem related to CF'rs before marriage, either.
With those who did their research before marrying a CF'r, and making the commitment after knowing, I had married a woman who was the total opposite!! If I were hospitaled due to CF related illnesses, she said she'd leave me in the hospital and give her divorce notice, too!! Boy, if I would have realized how important that statement was when I heard it, I would have filed for divorce long ago...that's not true love at all, and it took me some years before realizing what love really meant!
Unfortunately, I don't think my new wife FULLY understands CF, but she had also seen her father slowly die from Cancer, and has shown she would do everything in her power to keep me going strong! So, without alarming her too much (Until it is deemed necessary), I will keep her informed about my health (she already forbids me to eat Pizza anymore because of how bad I feel after with my stomach aches!) without giving unnecessary worry. I can tell she treasures me much more than anyone I'd ever loved, and she seems to fit my image of a wife so clearly.
Though, on another thought, the statement anonymous had made about making the same decision if the consequences were known, it seemed to me like "if you knew the results to what you had gone through, would you do it again?", I would answer with a no, I would make improvements if I could have gone back, and if it were in which I may not end up where I am now, it's fine. However, I wouldn't want a memory of this present time to be in parallel with a life I made if I went in another direction after making a different decision in a crucial part of my life (Like if I had changed my choice to get married to such a cold hearted woman and move to Japan, or stay in dullsville where I was, I'd stay in dullsville.) But, then again, if my life in dullsville never lead a better life, I'd probably be sitting at my desk pondering about my parallel life if I chose to live in Japan.
 
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65rosessamurai

Guest
Just came across this post, must've missed it during my long vacation!
I must've been really naive about love when I had my first marriage, and didn't know what love was about then. I never asked the right questions to my ex-wife before we married, and I certainly didn't know about the reproductive problem related to CF'rs before marriage, either.
With those who did their research before marrying a CF'r, and making the commitment after knowing, I had married a woman who was the total opposite!! If I were hospitaled due to CF related illnesses, she said she'd leave me in the hospital and give her divorce notice, too!! Boy, if I would have realized how important that statement was when I heard it, I would have filed for divorce long ago...that's not true love at all, and it took me some years before realizing what love really meant!
Unfortunately, I don't think my new wife FULLY understands CF, but she had also seen her father slowly die from Cancer, and has shown she would do everything in her power to keep me going strong! So, without alarming her too much (Until it is deemed necessary), I will keep her informed about my health (she already forbids me to eat Pizza anymore because of how bad I feel after with my stomach aches!) without giving unnecessary worry. I can tell she treasures me much more than anyone I'd ever loved, and she seems to fit my image of a wife so clearly.
Though, on another thought, the statement anonymous had made about making the same decision if the consequences were known, it seemed to me like "if you knew the results to what you had gone through, would you do it again?", I would answer with a no, I would make improvements if I could have gone back, and if it were in which I may not end up where I am now, it's fine. However, I wouldn't want a memory of this present time to be in parallel with a life I made if I went in another direction after making a different decision in a crucial part of my life (Like if I had changed my choice to get married to such a cold hearted woman and move to Japan, or stay in dullsville where I was, I'd stay in dullsville.) But, then again, if my life in dullsville never lead a better life, I'd probably be sitting at my desk pondering about my parallel life if I chose to live in Japan.
 
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lovegirl

New member
just wondering if u could lend some support.....i am engaged to a wonderful guy with cf.....my mom makes it clear every day that she doesnt support our relationship b/c of his illness, and basically ignores him like the plague every time he come in my house...my mom and i are currently not speaking b/c my fiancee wanted to do something nice and let her on our plan, but first wanted to confront her and speak to her regarding how childish she is, and how hed be glad to let her on his cell phone plan to save her some money, if she would agree to support our relationship and stop treating him like crap....well she blew up and now isnt speaking to me or him....its going on over a week now with the silent treatment and its getting a little much...please let me know if my fiancee is in the wrong for wanting her to support our relationship before he does something nice for her...i love him like crazy, and hope u can lend some support our way with your experience...thanx so much!!!

Kim
 
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Allie

New member
I hate to say it, but get used to writing her off, hon. My mother was the same way, and I chose to marry Ry anyhow. She never supported us, or him. I learned to deal with it, even if it was, and is, painful. Now that he's been gone a year, she still lets me know my marriage was a horrible choice. Stick to your guns, stand by your man. Screw your mother.
 
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cutiepatootie

New member
I agree completely with Allie, I am the one with CF, but I have in counter many people in my life, that when they found out that I had CF they didn't want anything to do with me <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-mad.gif" border="0">. All I have to say is, you really don't need people in your life like that and if you really love him that much and your planning to be with him for along time you need to figure out something before your mother ends up turning you against one another. If it was me I would give my mom an ultimatum, like you can be in my life with him in it, or don't be in my life at all, I'm sure she will come around. It's like Allie said you need to "stick to your guns" if you love him it will be worth it.

I'm just glad that my husbands family welcomed me with opened arms, they were happy that there son found some one who made him as happy as he was. We have been married for 8 years this summer together for 11 years all together <img src="i/expressions/heart.gif" border="0">. He would say, it was the best 11 years of his life so far, and I know for a fact that if anyone in his family would have ever had a problem with me having CF he would have told them off and if that did work he would probably just never talk to them again. I actually asked him once about it, if his family didn't like that I had CF, what would he have done, and that's what he would have said if that happened.

I am really glad I meet some one so wonderful, but I do have to say one thing he didn't know I had CF until 2 weeks into our relationship. We were also good friends for about 6 months before we started dating. So when he found out that I had CF, we had know each other for quite awhile, but it didn't matter to him if I was sick or not, I was still the same person he knew. I just came with an illness now. He did his research after he found out and I told him exactly what he was getting into before we got married.

How ever about a year and a half ago we had a scar and we thought my husband might have cancer and of course I was worry and scarred for him but I never thought about leaving him once because he might be sick. You know the hole time he thought he might be sick with cancer, the only thing he could think of is how is he going to support us if he gets sick, he was worry about supporting me because I couldn't work anymore being that I was to sick to work. That made me so up set because he really wasn't even worry about being sick himself. We were both relieved when we found out that he did have cancer.

Any how all I have to say is when you know you found the one you hold onto them and don't let them go no matter who or what type of opstacle is in the way. That's what life is all about over coming things, growing, living, loving and other thing that may or may not happen. Sorry for the long post I like to babble <img src="i/expressions/lips.gif" border="0">. I hope everything works out for you in the end.

<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> Karla <img src="i/expressions/sun.gif" border="0">
 
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LisaV

New member
Pete,
I did basically volunteer to become the widow that I am.

I married my late husband knowin he had a genetic illness (Marfan) that was considered terminal by age 35 in the late 1950s (longer for people born now - but not necessarily for those diagnosed in the 50s), moderate bronchiectasis (progressing), 3 failed back surgeries (and therefore chronic pain), and digestive problems.

He was the love of my life. I would marry him again in a flash.

I have no regrets about marrying him. With 20/20 hindsight, I do have some regrets about some lifestyle choices we made (like choosing to live in a town that doesn't have paratransit and is 1.5 hours away from a teaching hospital), but no regrets about marrying.

There was a lot of flat out trauma duirng the last few years (back and forth to hospitals, arguing with case management to get continuing services, etc) that I'm still recovering from (you know that thing they call "white coat syndrome" for people who have been sick a lot, well, I have "case manager/social worker syndrome"....)

We really focused on keeping the spousal relationahip alive - not falling into caregiver/patient. I think we did a pretty good job. I know I always felt like he loved me unconditionally and was there on my side - I hope he did too. I will never foret his look oof total love as he was dying. So the pain of his death is mitigated by feelin wonderfully lovable and valuable just because he loved me. And he put up a hell of a fight - so I really had to let him go - it was time and then some.

But I won't pretend it was easy all of the time. And I wish you and your lady well...and strength...
Keeping you in my heart.
 
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