Who has gone thru a divorce?

A

anonymous

New member
Hi.
I have major marital problems! I am wanting/thinking/trying to leave my situation but, oh my gosh, I'm so scared. I don't have much money, I work part time, I do get some SSI but not enough to live on, I cannot make any more money, I'm not able to go back to work full time. WHAT DO I DO??

I love this guy, but there is just so much negativity between us that it kills me on a mental/emotional/ and physical level daily. I am worn down, I am stressed, I don't know what to do, I worry.

I want to know if any of the CF'ers here have gone thru this and how did you do? Emotionally was it the right choice for you? Any regrets? How are you doing financially, etc.

Do any of you get alimony because of having CF and we can't work full time? I know I need to see a lawyer and I have gone to one but I need to really understand this stuff. It's just so hard for me.
I feel so alone and I don't want to hurt him, but I cannot deal with him huring me much longer. It's killing me from the inside out!

Well thanks everyone, I look forward to your responses.
 
J

julie

New member
I think it is a completely relevant topic for this topic (does that make sense???)

You say you love your spouse, but there are problems and negativity between you, have you taken any steps yet to reconcile those issues? Do you want to be divorced or do you still want to be with the person? I ask only because it sounds like your not too sure what you want from what you wrote.

Unfortunatley, I don't have any specific assistance for you because I don't know anybody who has been through this, although I am sure there are pleanty out there and hopefully someone on this site can answer your questions for you. But if you still love the person, there are ways to work through things like this.

Whatever you do, it will be the right decision but divorce is not a light topic and all other roads should be at least considered, if not attempted first.

I wish you the best and hope you get some answers to your questions,
 
E

EB24

New member
I got a divorce due to my health and problems that go along with that. If you need to chat e-mail me.
tybaum21@aol.com

Eric
 
L

luke

Guest
I too had a spouse that was not good for me. You know, the ?it is not fair that you are going to die and leave me all alone? type. So yes, I got divorced and 5 years later I just celebrated my 1st anniversary with my "new" wife. She is wonderful and supportive of my health and me and thank god every day for her. Unfortunately, most of us are so worried about how our disease effects others that we forget to take care of what is truly important, ourselves. I eventually learned that I am not a burden and that I deserved the same support and respect I was giving. That is what you deserve as well.... Good luck


Luke
 
A

anonymous

New member
I am so sad to hear that some of you are in or have been in relationships like that. My husband has CF, and I would never dream of hurting him or leaving him. I love him and want to be by his side and support him in every way. He was diagnosed after we married, but that did not change the way I feel about him. Every person, CF or not, deserves to be with someone who will love and respect them and treat them good. I wish you all the best.

wife of a man with cf
 
A

anonymous

New member
I don't suppose moving back with your parents is a possibility?
What about a close friend that is single and would be willing to be a roommate?
Could you qualify for any add'l state aide on your income?
I went through a divorce and moved in with a lady I worked with that was like a grandmother to me for a few months until I got back on my feet.
My ex was verbally/emotionally abusive and I felt trapped and knew I deserved better. It was so liberating to get out of that relationship and I met my present husband just months later & couldn't be happier<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
You said that you love your husband, I can't say with honesty that I did there at the end. So possibly some counseling would be worth a shot in your situation and the marriage could be saved? (Basically what Julie already said)
 
C

cfcndlelady

New member
I'm divoced! I get a maintenance (alimony) check each month plus my ex husband has to pay for my insurance each month. ( I am on BC/BS for high risk patients) I am currently trying to get disability and medicaid as a supplementary to my insurance!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Caren
 
J

JustDucky

New member
I really feel for you...I am currently going through a divorce. My soon to be ex was unable to handle my medical issues, especially once I was vented. Sure our marriage wasn't perfect, we had our share of problems but deep down, I thought that he would someday be there for me when I needed him most. Unfortunately that didn't happen. Catastrophic diseases not only are debilitating to yourself, but they are financially and occassionally catostrophic to relationships. Either the disease makes the relationship stronger or it tears it appart, mine happened to be the latter. Of course I was hurt, I have two beautiful kids as well. While I was in a skilled nursing facility with my vent, many thoughts went through my mind...where would I live? I had no home. Fortunately, I have a loving family and my mother adapted her house so that myself and my two children could live with her. She went through extensive training, how to care for me, the vent, what to do in the event of an emergency etc....She retired early to help take care of me, I owe my life to her. If it weren't for my family, I would still be in a nursing home at 33 years old without my children.
Ultimately, I did get an order for support for the children and I do get spousal support as well. The divorce is still proceeding, I just need to finalize it so that I can go on with my life. I don't regret doing this, but it is hard considering I knew this man since I was 17 years old. I do realize that I do deserve better.
I get SSDI as well as a small check for long term disability from the hospital I used to work at, so that hellps along with the support.
I know it is hard right now for you, you deserve to be loved and supported, everyone does. You do what is right in your heart. It is more stressful to be in a bad relationship than not for sure as you have pointed out.
If finances are an issue, besides asking for alimony, perhaps you can apply for additional state help or like someone else mentioned, live with a relative until things are straightened out. I hope I have helped. Hugs, Jenn
 
H

HyperactiveDreamer

New member
Hi this is my 2nd marriage the 1st one abused me .. now i got married again and im having probs again im at a friend house right now tinking of divorce <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif" border="0"> what a total bummer
 
K

kathiel

New member
I have gone through a divorce because of many issues and my daughter's health hasn't helped any. Feel free to email me at awolf5102001@yahoo.com or catch me on yahoo messenger, icq, or aol.
kathie
 
D

Diane

New member
Im divorced 8 years now. My divorced went thru right after i found out i had b.cepacia and was in the hospital. It was a sad scenerio in my life but , all these years later i find i am way happier alone. I was on disability, and when we broke up i was able to get the full amount. which isnt much ,but there are also other programs out there to help. I also get help from "section 8" for help with paying my rent, and i am on " the cap program" ( customer assistance program) for help with the electric bill . Then theres LIHEAP, for heating bills in the winter, food stamps, and "lifeline" for the phone bill which deducts an amount every month to help with the phone bill. I was scared crapless when we first broke up thinking i wouldnt financially make it , but these programs have helped me a lot. You could talk to the social worker at the cf clinic ( if they have one) and he or she can help you find programs in your area to help you. Best of luck to you <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
6

65rosessamurai

Guest
To Anonymous,
I too, had experienced divorce, but it was under different circumstances.
When we first married, I swore that I wouldn't divorce, but that was because I still loved her (Though I didn't know she no longer loved me.)
If your husband still loves and supports you, there is no reason for divorce as long as the love, trust and communication is there-- Through good times and bad...
First suggestion is to find a counseler to speak with, if you need some direction in your thoughts and emotions. I've never experienced it, but apparently going through health problems at the same time can cause difficulty.
Also, under U.S. law, (My understanding) one party has to be proven guilty before a divorce can be finalized. If there are no grounds, outside irreconcilable differences, then it would be tough to prove who's at fault. And if you are decided under law to be at fault, then the alimony will not be granted to you.
My divorce was under Japanese Law, and all we had to do was sign a paper. However, under her terms, I agreed because I didn't want to fight for the Real Estate or other unknown variables in case I ended up getting the raw end of the deal. By signing, I got of Scott Free, but am uncertain about how much of my ten years of income was hidden from me. If you don't have problems similar or worse than that, you're better of working things out; maybe some professional help can be granted for you?
For Cepaciagirl, I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing.
Divorce is not pretty, and if salvageable it's the best thing not to get into.
And, yes, I thought this was an "Off Topic" item, but it's also a CF Adult item because you're dealing with health and marriage issues simultaneously.
Luke, Good for you!! I think we have something in common, my second wife sounds like yours, too. Supportive of my health, and overall a great blessing.
 
K

kybert

New member
although im not married, i am in a long term relationship but i want to go it alone now. unfortunately for me, i have no choice but to stay here. moving into a decent home with a backyard would leave me with 20 dollars a week for food, bills, clothing, pet care etc. we dont have programs for cheap electricity and phone bills and we dont have things like food stamps. there is state housing, but that is a 5 year waiting list and the houses are really bad and in rough areas. parents wont let me move back in with pets and there is no way im going to give up my pets. partner cant really look after them as well as they need to be. he might not be able to cope financially either because some of our income is my disability payment and hes useless with money too. oh well. thats cf for ya. i need to win lotto before i go insane.
 
J

JazzysMom

New member
OK I am divorced. I met my first husband & "rushed" into a relationship to escape another relationship that wasnt bad, but I wasnt happy in. My first husband was 20 years older & one of the reasons I hooked up with him was because he was older. He had been married & had kids so the ""pressure" to have children wasnt there. He owned his own businesss & home so he was stable. We had lots of fun together & I cant say CF really was the cause of our breakup directly. After 8 years into the relationshipp (5 of it married) I felt like something was missing. I couldnt quite figure out what. We were comfortable financially, just put in a new house, had lots of socialization & fun yet I didnt feel complete. Eventually that feeling grew bigger & bigger to the point that I was fighting with him over everything. I had a dog (who was my BABY) that ran away while we were on vacation. That was the beginning of the end. Without that dog to "distract" me I actually had to focus on my husband & the inadequate situation our marriage was in. Within 3 weeks of the dog disappearing I left. Shorly after that I met my now husband which is the last thing I wanted, but turns out that its what I needed. Within 10 months I was pregant & realized the "missing" thing from my first marriage. For years I told myself I couldnt have kids & kept telling myself that to calm the urge. Well I could, wanted to (which I truly didnt know how much until I was pregnant) and did! My relationship procedure was a little dysfunctional, but it all worked out. I learned a lot from my first husband & apply that in my current marriage. I also am older & have a daughter which gives me a total different outlook on things. My former husband wasnt a "bad" guy. He just couldnt make me happy until I could make myself happy. I just didnt know that at the time. The long & short of it. It was very scary. I was working fulltime & actually supplied the health benefits for both of us. I just had never been on my "own" ever, but it was refreshing to have that independence even with the lack of assureness. Things work out. Maybe not how we saw them or in the time frame we wanted, but they do!
 
6

65rosessamurai

Guest
Wow, JazzysMom, that sounds close to my situation, yet my situation may be one of the worst kind.
Like you, I had rushed into a marriage my family wished I would take more time in. I did ask the ex-wife before marriage about my parents suggestion, but she disagreed and said everything was fine. The idea was for me to come to Japan to find a job and live there for a while to date before committing to marriage. (First Mistake!)
Through those first nine years of marriage, I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with her, every argument ended up as it being my fault.
I then started realizing that because I had no "real" doctor to care for my health problems, and there was never really any food at home, I kept spending what little money was given to me from my allowance for food. She would add insult to injury by yelling at me for catching a cold and having to stay home for a day or two! Also, my work schedule was to get myself up at 5:30 am, make my own breakfast and clean the dishes, and come home about 10:30 pm, just to get up early the next day. She'd make my dinner, but I'd do the dishes while she was the first in the shower! She was never home on the weekends!
Realization came when on my way to an Aikido class, I had hit something in the path because it was too dark, and I was distracted. I fell off my bicycle and severed the tendon to my collar bone and could not continue Aikido, something I loved to do so much (I practice Iaido, and that has been hindered, too). Of course, she yelled at me for getting injured! Then, she wanted to buy the place we were living in, and instead of taking me through surgery (we had insurance that could have helped), she decided to buy the place we lived in. When she put that and her friends before me, it was the end of the marriage. I could not use the insurance for the same claim, so when I can get the surgery done, I have to pay most of it out of my own pocket.<img src="i/expressions/brokenheart.gif" border="0">
The ex left me with about $7,000 in Japanese Yen to start my new life. How much she held back for herself, I could only imagine it was much more than what she gave me.
I think sterility had to do with my situation for a bad marriage, she constantly insisted she married me because she wanted "cute babies", and she often refered to her friends as a blessing to her, would do anything for them, and always criticized me, yet without her saying, I had been slowly figuring out I was not at the top of her priority in comparison to her friends. She began to live a life, using my income, to where I no longer knew who she was anymore. She would "stay at a friends" often (No proof of male or female--but she may had prefered females) and it started to feel as if I were supporting a roommate.<img src="i/expressions/devil.gif" border="0">
But, call it bad timing, as I was going through my divorce, I met my second wife! Since I had lived so long in a bad marriage, it was easy to find what I was looking for in a new partner. Six months after the divorce was finalized, I remarried, and the ex has no knowledge, and never will if I can help it!
From the time my shoulder was severed and the time my divorce was finalized, it was about a year and a half. Part of the problem was healing from the injury, and the other was the continued deception during the divorce agreement--she ended up with the place we were living in, but I got a better deal, my new wife is now an owner of two houses, her father gave her inheretence of his house when he passed away last March.<img src="i/expressions/angel_ani.gif" border="0">
 
M

mare

New member
I've been thru divorce also. Cant say either that it was my cf. I did get alimony for 5 years. I was left with a high rent and can only work part time. Do seek counseling before you make that big decision. We did and eventually he just decided he did not want the responsibility of marriage. "that was his quote" although 6 mos after our divorce went thru, he remarried! I had another long relationship of 8 years that ended. He turned out to be very self centered and negative and gouchy. He went off to have an affair also.,
I have decided that some people are just not cut out to deal with illness. Some may be just not strong enough to face the uncertainty and questions that are dealt with in the face of illness. I had been divorced for 13 years and guess what? I became re-aquainted with a man I knew from years ago. After a 2 year courtship, we were married this JUNE! He did not know that I had CF before and that was the first thing I told him about when we decided to date. It did not matter to him one bit. He is the most wonderful, caring and selfless man I have ever met and he waits on me hand and foot. I didnt think I would ever find someone like him and I thought for sure I would never get married again. There is always hope for everyone out there. I am 51. so age doent matter either.
When I first split from my husband, I thought for sure that I would starve or not have a place to live, but it all worked out.
I wish you strength and patience. ANd believe me, the outlook may look grim but if you will survive.!
 
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