<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>Patricio tells me, that am selfish, I won't accept what is happening to him, I think that I am reacting like anyone else would, when they know that they are dying...Right?</end quote></div>
It is <i><b>a</b></i> natural response, yes. It is not the <i>only</i> response and I really don't think it's the most healthy or the most practical. If you knew my sister through these forums, you'd know how she felt about denial and false hopes: she didn't hold with them. Accepting the truth is the first step in dealing with it.
There is a poem (or a prayer, depending on your leanings) that occurs to me at this time.
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.</end quote></div>
You cannot change the fact that Patricio has cystic fibrosis. You cannot change the fact that it will probably kill him before anything else does (barring car accidents, worse diseases, or meteor strike). For that matter, we're <i>all</i> going to die someday - and our human ability to ignore the inevitable means that a lot of us will die with things unsaid and undone. My sister (and her family) always knew that she was going to die and (barring blah blah meteors etc.) that it was going to be CF that killed her... and that knowledge was sad at times. A lot of times. But accepting that knowledge and that inevitability meant that we were motivated to use what time we had to the best of our ability while we had it. Debbie isn't special because she died; she's special for how she lived. And while of course I mourn the time that I won't have with Debbie, I am content that we didn't waste too much of the time we had. I know she didn't waste a second.
So you can't change that one fact of Patricio's life. But you <i>can</i> decide <i>how you live</i> throughout however much time Patricio has. You <i>can</i> decide to live each moment to its fullest; you can change the cycle of use and abuse that your ex has put you through. By accepting the unchangeable aspects of Patricio's condition, you grant yourself the power and courage to change the aspects you can. And far from being constantly depressing, such acceptance can actually grant you a great deal of freedom. I love JazzysMom's quote about "It is possible to live with daily awareness of lifes fragility without it being sad or oppressive!" 'cause it's so, so very true!
You cannot change your ex. But you have the power to make certain he doesn't hurt you again, and it's really easy to do: summon up your courage, and <i>just say no</i>. To be blunt, he wouldn't have been able to dump you for a fourth time if you hadn't taken him back after the third. And on that count, you don't even have to worry about Patricio's life - <i>your</i> life is too short to waste on that kind of bullsh*t! Anyone's is.
So take that knowledge and go <i>live</i>. Go enjoy your son; whether he lives to be fourteen, twenty-four or a hundred and four, there will never be enough time with him, so cherish it while you have it. Just from what you've said here, it's obvious that Patricio is very smart and he loves his mom. Don't waste a second with him - and by that, I also mean don't waste it by being mopey. Just enjoy it and appreciate it. That's all anyone can do.
