detroitislove
New member
I've been battleing depression for five or six years now. I take prozac. I've yet to find a therapist who works for me (although I give up easily so I haven't tried that hard to find a good one). <br><br> I am on all the typical CF meds that take time and effort. I go in for IV's once or twice a year. I have no problem gaining weight, and my FEV1 is 93%. My doctors/parents/everyone thinks I should be able to have a "normal" life. They think I should be able to go to school, work, get married, have children, travel, etc... and they don't foresee me needing transplant unless something changes (like I catch a bug that brings my lungs crashing down) drastically. <br> <br>
All of this sounds great, but I can't actually put it into action. I do amazing things for a few months, and then I totally crash, and don't recover for a year or two. It's completely frusterating. Once I raised $9000.00 in 3 months! Once I volunteered in an orphanage in Tanzania for 3 months! I graduated top ten at my high school. I have a 3.8 GPA in the college courses I've taken. I've tried a lot of things, karate (I'm a purple belt), dance, soccer, cheerleading (I'm super flexible), yoga, guitar lessons, violin lessons, i was on colorgaurd when we won the state championship, etc... I read all the time, I write a lot. I aspire to be an author. I aspire to do a lot of things. I've been a vegetarian for 7 years, and now I'm a vegan. I'm a good cook (of both vegan and omnivore fare). I have a lot of strengths. I am good at resolving conflicts and difusing sitautions.
<br><br>But for all the great things I've done, and the good aspects of me, I still let it all come crashing down. And it just takes me way too long to get back up again. I can't keep going on this cycle, because every time I crash, it's taking me longer and longer to get back up. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I've basically ignored all my friends for the past year. I never answer my phone, I never respond to emails. I don't have the energy to fake happiness. I don't have the same energy level my friends do. I know that my CF is not physically stopping me right now. But it takes so much of my time to keep my lung function that good. It takes so much time doing treatments.
<br> I went away to college on a scholarship, but dropped out my first semester because I was in the hospital too much. Now I live with my parents and sometimes go to community college. I want to go away again, but I'm afraid. And my parents don't believe I can do it anymore. And the money problems weight heavy on my mind. I find excuses for everything.
<br> I am two grand in debt. + 6 grand for my student loans. And I only have 42 credits. I used to know what I wanted a degree in, but now I can't imagine ever holding down any job.
<br> Every time I try and fail, I become more scared to try again. And as of right now, I have a lot of failures stacking up. All I want, is to travel, live with someone my age, and get drunk. But I have better expectations of myself. I know I can do better. I know that won't make me happy. But I just don't know how to stand back up again. I'm just going to get sick, and it's all going to come crashing down anyway. Why try?
<br><br> And no wonder I've lost all my friends, when all I want is someone to listen to me complain. Who would want a friend who just did that all the time? And was never fun?
Advice, words of wisdom, or just people who have been/are there would be appreciated. My AIM is mama konyagi, please feel free to message me.
All of this sounds great, but I can't actually put it into action. I do amazing things for a few months, and then I totally crash, and don't recover for a year or two. It's completely frusterating. Once I raised $9000.00 in 3 months! Once I volunteered in an orphanage in Tanzania for 3 months! I graduated top ten at my high school. I have a 3.8 GPA in the college courses I've taken. I've tried a lot of things, karate (I'm a purple belt), dance, soccer, cheerleading (I'm super flexible), yoga, guitar lessons, violin lessons, i was on colorgaurd when we won the state championship, etc... I read all the time, I write a lot. I aspire to be an author. I aspire to do a lot of things. I've been a vegetarian for 7 years, and now I'm a vegan. I'm a good cook (of both vegan and omnivore fare). I have a lot of strengths. I am good at resolving conflicts and difusing sitautions.
<br><br>But for all the great things I've done, and the good aspects of me, I still let it all come crashing down. And it just takes me way too long to get back up again. I can't keep going on this cycle, because every time I crash, it's taking me longer and longer to get back up. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I've basically ignored all my friends for the past year. I never answer my phone, I never respond to emails. I don't have the energy to fake happiness. I don't have the same energy level my friends do. I know that my CF is not physically stopping me right now. But it takes so much of my time to keep my lung function that good. It takes so much time doing treatments.
<br> I went away to college on a scholarship, but dropped out my first semester because I was in the hospital too much. Now I live with my parents and sometimes go to community college. I want to go away again, but I'm afraid. And my parents don't believe I can do it anymore. And the money problems weight heavy on my mind. I find excuses for everything.
<br> I am two grand in debt. + 6 grand for my student loans. And I only have 42 credits. I used to know what I wanted a degree in, but now I can't imagine ever holding down any job.
<br> Every time I try and fail, I become more scared to try again. And as of right now, I have a lot of failures stacking up. All I want, is to travel, live with someone my age, and get drunk. But I have better expectations of myself. I know I can do better. I know that won't make me happy. But I just don't know how to stand back up again. I'm just going to get sick, and it's all going to come crashing down anyway. Why try?
<br><br> And no wonder I've lost all my friends, when all I want is someone to listen to me complain. Who would want a friend who just did that all the time? And was never fun?
Advice, words of wisdom, or just people who have been/are there would be appreciated. My AIM is mama konyagi, please feel free to message me.