CF and Depression

[JazzysMom]

Awww Sweety!

With any chronic illness its so easy to get swept up into the "woe is me" moments. If you have goals, dreams & it seems like they wont be reached it can be depressing. Sometimes they wont be, but that shouldnt make you feel bad that the ultimate goal wasnt reached. Sometimes just the journey in striving for that goal is an accomplishment.

So many people cant/wont/dont take the first step in striving for their dream and that is where the true sadness is.

By no means am I saying that some days with CF dont suck. I have had my moments (days, weeks, months....havent worked up to years yet <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif" border="0">)

It sort of reminds me of my vision of what a miracle is. Some people ask for miracles with specific results in mind (like a cure for CF, more $$ etc) where I usually see a miracle as a relief in the stress or situation (easing of an infection or a decrease in the cost of gasoline to run our cars).

For most of my life I didnt do treatments. I did go into the hospital, do my thing, come out & go on with life (again without doing treatments) until the next time.

This continued even while I was pregant & until my daughter was 1 1/2. Then I got sooo sick, had to quit work, had home iv's for the first time etc. It was quite a reality shock that I said....DAMN CF is kicking my ass! (excuse my langauge).

Even THEN I was as compliant as I should have been because once I started feeling better I thought I was immortal once again.

I am paying for that ignorance, denial & non compliance now. Do I hate my life? Hell no! Do I wish it was easier...Often!

Do I have my happy days? Yes Do I have my depressed days? Yes

I just take one day at a time which helps me to achieve a lot more without as much disappointment.

Does any of this make sense? LOL

This is a good spot to be. We actually understand what you are going through!!!

 

[JazzysMom]

Awww Sweety!

With any chronic illness its so easy to get swept up into the "woe is me" moments. If you have goals, dreams & it seems like they wont be reached it can be depressing. Sometimes they wont be, but that shouldnt make you feel bad that the ultimate goal wasnt reached. Sometimes just the journey in striving for that goal is an accomplishment.

So many people cant/wont/dont take the first step in striving for their dream and that is where the true sadness is.

By no means am I saying that some days with CF dont suck. I have had my moments (days, weeks, months....havent worked up to years yet <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif" border="0">)

It sort of reminds me of my vision of what a miracle is. Some people ask for miracles with specific results in mind (like a cure for CF, more $$ etc) where I usually see a miracle as a relief in the stress or situation (easing of an infection or a decrease in the cost of gasoline to run our cars).

For most of my life I didnt do treatments. I did go into the hospital, do my thing, come out & go on with life (again without doing treatments) until the next time.

This continued even while I was pregant & until my daughter was 1 1/2. Then I got sooo sick, had to quit work, had home iv's for the first time etc. It was quite a reality shock that I said....DAMN CF is kicking my ass! (excuse my langauge).

Even THEN I was as compliant as I should have been because once I started feeling better I thought I was immortal once again.

I am paying for that ignorance, denial & non compliance now. Do I hate my life? Hell no! Do I wish it was easier...Often!

Do I have my happy days? Yes Do I have my depressed days? Yes

I just take one day at a time which helps me to achieve a lot more without as much disappointment.

Does any of this make sense? LOL

This is a good spot to be. We actually understand what you are going through!!!

 

[JazzysMom]

Awww Sweety!

With any chronic illness its so easy to get swept up into the "woe is me" moments. If you have goals, dreams & it seems like they wont be reached it can be depressing. Sometimes they wont be, but that shouldnt make you feel bad that the ultimate goal wasnt reached. Sometimes just the journey in striving for that goal is an accomplishment.

So many people cant/wont/dont take the first step in striving for their dream and that is where the true sadness is.

By no means am I saying that some days with CF dont suck. I have had my moments (days, weeks, months....havent worked up to years yet <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif" border="0">)

It sort of reminds me of my vision of what a miracle is. Some people ask for miracles with specific results in mind (like a cure for CF, more $$ etc) where I usually see a miracle as a relief in the stress or situation (easing of an infection or a decrease in the cost of gasoline to run our cars).

For most of my life I didnt do treatments. I did go into the hospital, do my thing, come out & go on with life (again without doing treatments) until the next time.

This continued even while I was pregant & until my daughter was 1 1/2. Then I got sooo sick, had to quit work, had home iv's for the first time etc. It was quite a reality shock that I said....DAMN CF is kicking my ass! (excuse my langauge).

Even THEN I was as compliant as I should have been because once I started feeling better I thought I was immortal once again.

I am paying for that ignorance, denial & non compliance now. Do I hate my life? Hell no! Do I wish it was easier...Often!

Do I have my happy days? Yes Do I have my depressed days? Yes

I just take one day at a time which helps me to achieve a lot more without as much disappointment.

Does any of this make sense? LOL

This is a good spot to be. We actually understand what you are going through!!!

 

[JazzysMom]

Awww Sweety!

With any chronic illness its so easy to get swept up into the "woe is me" moments. If you have goals, dreams & it seems like they wont be reached it can be depressing. Sometimes they wont be, but that shouldnt make you feel bad that the ultimate goal wasnt reached. Sometimes just the journey in striving for that goal is an accomplishment.

So many people cant/wont/dont take the first step in striving for their dream and that is where the true sadness is.

By no means am I saying that some days with CF dont suck. I have had my moments (days, weeks, months....havent worked up to years yet <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif" border="0">)

It sort of reminds me of my vision of what a miracle is. Some people ask for miracles with specific results in mind (like a cure for CF, more $$ etc) where I usually see a miracle as a relief in the stress or situation (easing of an infection or a decrease in the cost of gasoline to run our cars).

For most of my life I didnt do treatments. I did go into the hospital, do my thing, come out & go on with life (again without doing treatments) until the next time.

This continued even while I was pregant & until my daughter was 1 1/2. Then I got sooo sick, had to quit work, had home iv's for the first time etc. It was quite a reality shock that I said....DAMN CF is kicking my ass! (excuse my langauge).

Even THEN I was as compliant as I should have been because once I started feeling better I thought I was immortal once again.

I am paying for that ignorance, denial & non compliance now. Do I hate my life? Hell no! Do I wish it was easier...Often!

Do I have my happy days? Yes Do I have my depressed days? Yes

I just take one day at a time which helps me to achieve a lot more without as much disappointment.

Does any of this make sense? LOL

This is a good spot to be. We actually understand what you are going through!!!

 

[JazzysMom]

Awww Sweety!
<br />
<br />With any chronic illness its so easy to get swept up into the "woe is me" moments. If you have goals, dreams & it seems like they wont be reached it can be depressing. Sometimes they wont be, but that shouldnt make you feel bad that the ultimate goal wasnt reached. Sometimes just the journey in striving for that goal is an accomplishment.
<br />
<br />So many people cant/wont/dont take the first step in striving for their dream and that is where the true sadness is.
<br />
<br />By no means am I saying that some days with CF dont suck. I have had my moments (days, weeks, months....havent worked up to years yet <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif" border="0">)
<br />
<br />It sort of reminds me of my vision of what a miracle is. Some people ask for miracles with specific results in mind (like a cure for CF, more $$ etc) where I usually see a miracle as a relief in the stress or situation (easing of an infection or a decrease in the cost of gasoline to run our cars).
<br />
<br />For most of my life I didnt do treatments. I did go into the hospital, do my thing, come out & go on with life (again without doing treatments) until the next time.
<br />
<br />This continued even while I was pregant & until my daughter was 1 1/2. Then I got sooo sick, had to quit work, had home iv's for the first time etc. It was quite a reality shock that I said....DAMN CF is kicking my ass! (excuse my langauge).
<br />
<br />Even THEN I was as compliant as I should have been because once I started feeling better I thought I was immortal once again.
<br />
<br />I am paying for that ignorance, denial & non compliance now. Do I hate my life? Hell no! Do I wish it was easier...Often!
<br />
<br />Do I have my happy days? Yes Do I have my depressed days? Yes
<br />
<br />I just take one day at a time which helps me to achieve a lot more without as much disappointment.
<br />
<br />Does any of this make sense? LOL
<br />
<br />This is a good spot to be. We actually understand what you are going through!!!

 

[lilywing]

I hear ya! F, 30, Calgary AB too! I think what can become depressing is knowing you can/have feel/felt better than this. At least, that's what is keeping me down right now. My PFTs have dropped 30-40% in 6 months, no improvement in sight, and honestly, I'm pissed off. The highs and lows are hard to deal with. I cry every day.

 

[lilywing]

I hear ya! F, 30, Calgary AB too! I think what can become depressing is knowing you can/have feel/felt better than this. At least, that's what is keeping me down right now. My PFTs have dropped 30-40% in 6 months, no improvement in sight, and honestly, I'm pissed off. The highs and lows are hard to deal with. I cry every day.

 

[lilywing]

I hear ya! F, 30, Calgary AB too! I think what can become depressing is knowing you can/have feel/felt better than this. At least, that's what is keeping me down right now. My PFTs have dropped 30-40% in 6 months, no improvement in sight, and honestly, I'm pissed off. The highs and lows are hard to deal with. I cry every day.

 

[lilywing]

I hear ya! F, 30, Calgary AB too! I think what can become depressing is knowing you can/have feel/felt better than this. At least, that's what is keeping me down right now. My PFTs have dropped 30-40% in 6 months, no improvement in sight, and honestly, I'm pissed off. The highs and lows are hard to deal with. I cry every day.

 

[lilywing]

I hear ya! F, 30, Calgary AB too! I think what can become depressing is knowing you can/have feel/felt better than this. At least, that's what is keeping me down right now. My PFTs have dropped 30-40% in 6 months, no improvement in sight, and honestly, I'm pissed off. The highs and lows are hard to deal with. I cry every day.

 

[gymcarrot]

Mewncariad, thank you so much for starting this thread as I am going through a very similiar experience myself and have been having a hard time coping mentally/emotionally lately with everything. It is nice to know that I'm not alone and hearing what others say helps pull them through the lows is encouraging to know that maybe I can get through this to better times again too. I've always had a positive, optimistic attitude towards CF and have never let it get in my way of accomplishing anything and now, suddenly, I can't keep it from getting in the way of my "normal" life and as you or someone else said, I'm being forced to "deal" with CF in a way I never have before, which is what lead me to this site.

Like others that have posted, I was very healthy for a CF person most of my life. I was diagnosed at birth, had mininmal regular treatments that took too much effort during childhood and had my first hospitialization for IVs at 18. It has kind of went downhill from there. I still had a great five years through college and grad school with hospitialization and IVs about once every year. Then this last year, my first year as a teacher with my own classroom, my health has just tanked since January. I'm still on IVs from my most recent hospital stay, third one this year and I'm not bouncing back like I always have before. I've had to face reality that my healthy can't handle a 60+ very active work week and germs from elementary students so I'm in the process of applying for disability. I am also pre-transplant and starting that process has been both hopeful and scary.

As if this weren't enough to cope with mentally/emotionally, mid August my husband, who has been ever so supportive of me and my CF and part of what made me fall in love with him so much, suddenly did a complete 180 on me and basically said out of the blue that he wants a divorce, on our first anniversary mind you (although we've been together for four years). I know there was another girl involved that he got "emotional too close to" but he says it has nothing to do with her, she may have just "helped open his eyes to what he's missing out on." He claims it has everything to do with CF, which has done little to help with the things I've been coping with mentally already. As things escalated between him and I, he said some harsh things like "as a couple we have nothing left to live for but a transplant and you dying." He's always been my rock when dealing with this disease and by throwing the time and energy I do still have into him I was able to cope with the transition to not working and the preparations for transplant, but now that his support that I have relied so heavily on for these last four years has suddenly be taken away from me, I really feel like my feet have fallen out from under me. I've since moved back home and I am lucky enough to have the most amazing and supportive friends and family, but its not the same and I feel guilty for still feeling so low despite their support. There are many a nights where the silent tears still stream down my cheeks as I try to fall asleep.

If anyone has advice for handling the transition from working full time to disability, transplant, divorce, and adjusting to living at home (after 8 years not living at home) all at the same time, I'm all ears! Thanks in advance!

 

[gymcarrot]

Mewncariad, thank you so much for starting this thread as I am going through a very similiar experience myself and have been having a hard time coping mentally/emotionally lately with everything. It is nice to know that I'm not alone and hearing what others say helps pull them through the lows is encouraging to know that maybe I can get through this to better times again too. I've always had a positive, optimistic attitude towards CF and have never let it get in my way of accomplishing anything and now, suddenly, I can't keep it from getting in the way of my "normal" life and as you or someone else said, I'm being forced to "deal" with CF in a way I never have before, which is what lead me to this site.

Like others that have posted, I was very healthy for a CF person most of my life. I was diagnosed at birth, had mininmal regular treatments that took too much effort during childhood and had my first hospitialization for IVs at 18. It has kind of went downhill from there. I still had a great five years through college and grad school with hospitialization and IVs about once every year. Then this last year, my first year as a teacher with my own classroom, my health has just tanked since January. I'm still on IVs from my most recent hospital stay, third one this year and I'm not bouncing back like I always have before. I've had to face reality that my healthy can't handle a 60+ very active work week and germs from elementary students so I'm in the process of applying for disability. I am also pre-transplant and starting that process has been both hopeful and scary.

As if this weren't enough to cope with mentally/emotionally, mid August my husband, who has been ever so supportive of me and my CF and part of what made me fall in love with him so much, suddenly did a complete 180 on me and basically said out of the blue that he wants a divorce, on our first anniversary mind you (although we've been together for four years). I know there was another girl involved that he got "emotional too close to" but he says it has nothing to do with her, she may have just "helped open his eyes to what he's missing out on." He claims it has everything to do with CF, which has done little to help with the things I've been coping with mentally already. As things escalated between him and I, he said some harsh things like "as a couple we have nothing left to live for but a transplant and you dying." He's always been my rock when dealing with this disease and by throwing the time and energy I do still have into him I was able to cope with the transition to not working and the preparations for transplant, but now that his support that I have relied so heavily on for these last four years has suddenly be taken away from me, I really feel like my feet have fallen out from under me. I've since moved back home and I am lucky enough to have the most amazing and supportive friends and family, but its not the same and I feel guilty for still feeling so low despite their support. There are many a nights where the silent tears still stream down my cheeks as I try to fall asleep.

If anyone has advice for handling the transition from working full time to disability, transplant, divorce, and adjusting to living at home (after 8 years not living at home) all at the same time, I'm all ears! Thanks in advance!

 

[gymcarrot]

Mewncariad, thank you so much for starting this thread as I am going through a very similiar experience myself and have been having a hard time coping mentally/emotionally lately with everything. It is nice to know that I'm not alone and hearing what others say helps pull them through the lows is encouraging to know that maybe I can get through this to better times again too. I've always had a positive, optimistic attitude towards CF and have never let it get in my way of accomplishing anything and now, suddenly, I can't keep it from getting in the way of my "normal" life and as you or someone else said, I'm being forced to "deal" with CF in a way I never have before, which is what lead me to this site.

Like others that have posted, I was very healthy for a CF person most of my life. I was diagnosed at birth, had mininmal regular treatments that took too much effort during childhood and had my first hospitialization for IVs at 18. It has kind of went downhill from there. I still had a great five years through college and grad school with hospitialization and IVs about once every year. Then this last year, my first year as a teacher with my own classroom, my health has just tanked since January. I'm still on IVs from my most recent hospital stay, third one this year and I'm not bouncing back like I always have before. I've had to face reality that my healthy can't handle a 60+ very active work week and germs from elementary students so I'm in the process of applying for disability. I am also pre-transplant and starting that process has been both hopeful and scary.

As if this weren't enough to cope with mentally/emotionally, mid August my husband, who has been ever so supportive of me and my CF and part of what made me fall in love with him so much, suddenly did a complete 180 on me and basically said out of the blue that he wants a divorce, on our first anniversary mind you (although we've been together for four years). I know there was another girl involved that he got "emotional too close to" but he says it has nothing to do with her, she may have just "helped open his eyes to what he's missing out on." He claims it has everything to do with CF, which has done little to help with the things I've been coping with mentally already. As things escalated between him and I, he said some harsh things like "as a couple we have nothing left to live for but a transplant and you dying." He's always been my rock when dealing with this disease and by throwing the time and energy I do still have into him I was able to cope with the transition to not working and the preparations for transplant, but now that his support that I have relied so heavily on for these last four years has suddenly be taken away from me, I really feel like my feet have fallen out from under me. I've since moved back home and I am lucky enough to have the most amazing and supportive friends and family, but its not the same and I feel guilty for still feeling so low despite their support. There are many a nights where the silent tears still stream down my cheeks as I try to fall asleep.

If anyone has advice for handling the transition from working full time to disability, transplant, divorce, and adjusting to living at home (after 8 years not living at home) all at the same time, I'm all ears! Thanks in advance!

 

[gymcarrot]

Mewncariad, thank you so much for starting this thread as I am going through a very similiar experience myself and have been having a hard time coping mentally/emotionally lately with everything. It is nice to know that I'm not alone and hearing what others say helps pull them through the lows is encouraging to know that maybe I can get through this to better times again too. I've always had a positive, optimistic attitude towards CF and have never let it get in my way of accomplishing anything and now, suddenly, I can't keep it from getting in the way of my "normal" life and as you or someone else said, I'm being forced to "deal" with CF in a way I never have before, which is what lead me to this site.

Like others that have posted, I was very healthy for a CF person most of my life. I was diagnosed at birth, had mininmal regular treatments that took too much effort during childhood and had my first hospitialization for IVs at 18. It has kind of went downhill from there. I still had a great five years through college and grad school with hospitialization and IVs about once every year. Then this last year, my first year as a teacher with my own classroom, my health has just tanked since January. I'm still on IVs from my most recent hospital stay, third one this year and I'm not bouncing back like I always have before. I've had to face reality that my healthy can't handle a 60+ very active work week and germs from elementary students so I'm in the process of applying for disability. I am also pre-transplant and starting that process has been both hopeful and scary.

As if this weren't enough to cope with mentally/emotionally, mid August my husband, who has been ever so supportive of me and my CF and part of what made me fall in love with him so much, suddenly did a complete 180 on me and basically said out of the blue that he wants a divorce, on our first anniversary mind you (although we've been together for four years). I know there was another girl involved that he got "emotional too close to" but he says it has nothing to do with her, she may have just "helped open his eyes to what he's missing out on." He claims it has everything to do with CF, which has done little to help with the things I've been coping with mentally already. As things escalated between him and I, he said some harsh things like "as a couple we have nothing left to live for but a transplant and you dying." He's always been my rock when dealing with this disease and by throwing the time and energy I do still have into him I was able to cope with the transition to not working and the preparations for transplant, but now that his support that I have relied so heavily on for these last four years has suddenly be taken away from me, I really feel like my feet have fallen out from under me. I've since moved back home and I am lucky enough to have the most amazing and supportive friends and family, but its not the same and I feel guilty for still feeling so low despite their support. There are many a nights where the silent tears still stream down my cheeks as I try to fall asleep.

If anyone has advice for handling the transition from working full time to disability, transplant, divorce, and adjusting to living at home (after 8 years not living at home) all at the same time, I'm all ears! Thanks in advance!

 

[gymcarrot]

Mewncariad, thank you so much for starting this thread as I am going through a very similiar experience myself and have been having a hard time coping mentally/emotionally lately with everything. It is nice to know that I'm not alone and hearing what others say helps pull them through the lows is encouraging to know that maybe I can get through this to better times again too. I've always had a positive, optimistic attitude towards CF and have never let it get in my way of accomplishing anything and now, suddenly, I can't keep it from getting in the way of my "normal" life and as you or someone else said, I'm being forced to "deal" with CF in a way I never have before, which is what lead me to this site.
<br />
<br />Like others that have posted, I was very healthy for a CF person most of my life. I was diagnosed at birth, had mininmal regular treatments that took too much effort during childhood and had my first hospitialization for IVs at 18. It has kind of went downhill from there. I still had a great five years through college and grad school with hospitialization and IVs about once every year. Then this last year, my first year as a teacher with my own classroom, my health has just tanked since January. I'm still on IVs from my most recent hospital stay, third one this year and I'm not bouncing back like I always have before. I've had to face reality that my healthy can't handle a 60+ very active work week and germs from elementary students so I'm in the process of applying for disability. I am also pre-transplant and starting that process has been both hopeful and scary.
<br />
<br />As if this weren't enough to cope with mentally/emotionally, mid August my husband, who has been ever so supportive of me and my CF and part of what made me fall in love with him so much, suddenly did a complete 180 on me and basically said out of the blue that he wants a divorce, on our first anniversary mind you (although we've been together for four years). I know there was another girl involved that he got "emotional too close to" but he says it has nothing to do with her, she may have just "helped open his eyes to what he's missing out on." He claims it has everything to do with CF, which has done little to help with the things I've been coping with mentally already. As things escalated between him and I, he said some harsh things like "as a couple we have nothing left to live for but a transplant and you dying." He's always been my rock when dealing with this disease and by throwing the time and energy I do still have into him I was able to cope with the transition to not working and the preparations for transplant, but now that his support that I have relied so heavily on for these last four years has suddenly be taken away from me, I really feel like my feet have fallen out from under me. I've since moved back home and I am lucky enough to have the most amazing and supportive friends and family, but its not the same and I feel guilty for still feeling so low despite their support. There are many a nights where the silent tears still stream down my cheeks as I try to fall asleep.
<br />
<br />If anyone has advice for handling the transition from working full time to disability, transplant, divorce, and adjusting to living at home (after 8 years not living at home) all at the same time, I'm all ears! Thanks in advance!
<br />