Help me am i making the right decision?

A

Allie

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>if anyone has a problem with me and what im going through and you want to sit there and type something as horrible as "adoption" or "grow up" then dont.</end quote></div>

I happily bit my tounge on this subject until you said this. Adoption is one of the most unselfish, mature things you can do. It's a realization that it is not ALL ABOUT YOU. That you don't have the finances, education or support to give a baby the absolute best life possible. No, adoption involves putting a baby before your own needs, wants and desires. You say you'd jump out of a plane for your kid, but you draw the line at giving him a shot at a stable life. Fine, whatever.

You say your mother made horrible choices, and you turned out fine. Being a 21 year old with no job or education to speak of, no prospects of such, an abusive husband...I'd reevaluate that statement. Unless, of course, you want the same for Lukas.

I don't care if you hate me for saying this, or anyone else for that matter. But I think you need to really think about what you're doing. And for heaven's sake, get on birth control.

Edited to add: Single parenting is not the issue here. At all. It's everything else in the equation.
 
A

Allie

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>if anyone has a problem with me and what im going through and you want to sit there and type something as horrible as "adoption" or "grow up" then dont.</end quote></div>

I happily bit my tounge on this subject until you said this. Adoption is one of the most unselfish, mature things you can do. It's a realization that it is not ALL ABOUT YOU. That you don't have the finances, education or support to give a baby the absolute best life possible. No, adoption involves putting a baby before your own needs, wants and desires. You say you'd jump out of a plane for your kid, but you draw the line at giving him a shot at a stable life. Fine, whatever.

You say your mother made horrible choices, and you turned out fine. Being a 21 year old with no job or education to speak of, no prospects of such, an abusive husband...I'd reevaluate that statement. Unless, of course, you want the same for Lukas.

I don't care if you hate me for saying this, or anyone else for that matter. But I think you need to really think about what you're doing. And for heaven's sake, get on birth control.

Edited to add: Single parenting is not the issue here. At all. It's everything else in the equation.
 
A

Allie

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>if anyone has a problem with me and what im going through and you want to sit there and type something as horrible as "adoption" or "grow up" then dont.</end quote></div>

I happily bit my tounge on this subject until you said this. Adoption is one of the most unselfish, mature things you can do. It's a realization that it is not ALL ABOUT YOU. That you don't have the finances, education or support to give a baby the absolute best life possible. No, adoption involves putting a baby before your own needs, wants and desires. You say you'd jump out of a plane for your kid, but you draw the line at giving him a shot at a stable life. Fine, whatever.

You say your mother made horrible choices, and you turned out fine. Being a 21 year old with no job or education to speak of, no prospects of such, an abusive husband...I'd reevaluate that statement. Unless, of course, you want the same for Lukas.

I don't care if you hate me for saying this, or anyone else for that matter. But I think you need to really think about what you're doing. And for heaven's sake, get on birth control.

Edited to add: Single parenting is not the issue here. At all. It's everything else in the equation.
 
L

Lilith

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Allie</b></i>

You say your mother made horrible choices, and you turned out fine. Being a 21 year old with no job or education to speak of, no prospects of such, an abusive husband...I'd reevaluate that statement. Unless, of course, you want the same for Lukas.

...And for heaven's sake, get on birth control.</end quote></div>

You took the words right out of my mouth, Allie, especially your last statement. But I would like to add a little something that caught my eye and pissed me off...

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Vampy</b></i>

we all make bad choices and mistakes in our life.</end quote></div>

Yup, we do. But you know what makes them truly mistakes? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM THEM, which you obviously haven't or you wouldn't have had another pregnancy scare! Oh, and incidentally, I am your same age, and have been with my man for almost six years. And this is a person I would have a child with if I thought it could be done. I have not had even the slightest scare that I might be pregnant in that entire span of time. Why? Because I was and am still responsible and take precautions against it!!

My sister was in a bad relationship, an abusive one, with her fiance for 5 years before she woke up and smelled the coffee. But guess what? She never got pregnant by him! So I know of what I speak, my own sister lived it! And still, she showed more responsibility than I think you have.

You say you've done a lot of growing up, more than most people. I suggest, for the sake of yourself and your child, you start showing it.

The defense rests...
 
L

Lilith

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Allie</b></i>

You say your mother made horrible choices, and you turned out fine. Being a 21 year old with no job or education to speak of, no prospects of such, an abusive husband...I'd reevaluate that statement. Unless, of course, you want the same for Lukas.

...And for heaven's sake, get on birth control.</end quote></div>

You took the words right out of my mouth, Allie, especially your last statement. But I would like to add a little something that caught my eye and pissed me off...

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Vampy</b></i>

we all make bad choices and mistakes in our life.</end quote></div>

Yup, we do. But you know what makes them truly mistakes? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM THEM, which you obviously haven't or you wouldn't have had another pregnancy scare! Oh, and incidentally, I am your same age, and have been with my man for almost six years. And this is a person I would have a child with if I thought it could be done. I have not had even the slightest scare that I might be pregnant in that entire span of time. Why? Because I was and am still responsible and take precautions against it!!

My sister was in a bad relationship, an abusive one, with her fiance for 5 years before she woke up and smelled the coffee. But guess what? She never got pregnant by him! So I know of what I speak, my own sister lived it! And still, she showed more responsibility than I think you have.

You say you've done a lot of growing up, more than most people. I suggest, for the sake of yourself and your child, you start showing it.

The defense rests...
 
L

Lilith

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Allie</b></i>

You say your mother made horrible choices, and you turned out fine. Being a 21 year old with no job or education to speak of, no prospects of such, an abusive husband...I'd reevaluate that statement. Unless, of course, you want the same for Lukas.

...And for heaven's sake, get on birth control.</end quote></div>

You took the words right out of my mouth, Allie, especially your last statement. But I would like to add a little something that caught my eye and pissed me off...

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Vampy</b></i>

we all make bad choices and mistakes in our life.</end quote></div>

Yup, we do. But you know what makes them truly mistakes? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM THEM, which you obviously haven't or you wouldn't have had another pregnancy scare! Oh, and incidentally, I am your same age, and have been with my man for almost six years. And this is a person I would have a child with if I thought it could be done. I have not had even the slightest scare that I might be pregnant in that entire span of time. Why? Because I was and am still responsible and take precautions against it!!

My sister was in a bad relationship, an abusive one, with her fiance for 5 years before she woke up and smelled the coffee. But guess what? She never got pregnant by him! So I know of what I speak, my own sister lived it! And still, she showed more responsibility than I think you have.

You say you've done a lot of growing up, more than most people. I suggest, for the sake of yourself and your child, you start showing it.

The defense rests...
 
M

Mockingbird

New member
I hate to be self righteous and a hypocrite once again, but maybe we should consider the value of our posts before posting them. Making snide or sarcastic comments is not going to help this situation. Also, if we might consider if our post is provding advice or just trying to make a point or give an opinion. If we're giving advice, great, but otherwise it might be better to create a seperate thread, especially if it is something that may escalate into an arguement and get the thread locked.

For example, I didn't think the advice about adoption was out of line at all, however, when it was apparent adoption was not going to be considered, continuing the discussion did not help.

To Vampy: I know you are going through a difficult time, but try to ignore people rather than getting upset and swearing at them. Yelling at people only encourages them to respond more, and it doesn't help you at all.

As for your situation, my heart breaks for you. Hopefully katyf13 will know some agencies in your state. This may be a stupid question, but have you talked to the social worker at your CF Clinic? That person may also know of some agencies that can help.
 
M

Mockingbird

New member
I hate to be self righteous and a hypocrite once again, but maybe we should consider the value of our posts before posting them. Making snide or sarcastic comments is not going to help this situation. Also, if we might consider if our post is provding advice or just trying to make a point or give an opinion. If we're giving advice, great, but otherwise it might be better to create a seperate thread, especially if it is something that may escalate into an arguement and get the thread locked.

For example, I didn't think the advice about adoption was out of line at all, however, when it was apparent adoption was not going to be considered, continuing the discussion did not help.

To Vampy: I know you are going through a difficult time, but try to ignore people rather than getting upset and swearing at them. Yelling at people only encourages them to respond more, and it doesn't help you at all.

As for your situation, my heart breaks for you. Hopefully katyf13 will know some agencies in your state. This may be a stupid question, but have you talked to the social worker at your CF Clinic? That person may also know of some agencies that can help.
 
M

Mockingbird

New member
I hate to be self righteous and a hypocrite once again, but maybe we should consider the value of our posts before posting them. Making snide or sarcastic comments is not going to help this situation. Also, if we might consider if our post is provding advice or just trying to make a point or give an opinion. If we're giving advice, great, but otherwise it might be better to create a seperate thread, especially if it is something that may escalate into an arguement and get the thread locked.

For example, I didn't think the advice about adoption was out of line at all, however, when it was apparent adoption was not going to be considered, continuing the discussion did not help.

To Vampy: I know you are going through a difficult time, but try to ignore people rather than getting upset and swearing at them. Yelling at people only encourages them to respond more, and it doesn't help you at all.

As for your situation, my heart breaks for you. Hopefully katyf13 will know some agencies in your state. This may be a stupid question, but have you talked to the social worker at your CF Clinic? That person may also know of some agencies that can help.
 
L

LisaV

New member
Hi again Vampy,
To answer your question about "am I doing the right thing" in leaving my husband and setting up on my own with my kid.

Not that it's for me to say - or that I could possibly know you or the situation well enough to give you an intelligent answser - or that my relationships have been so great that I am someone whose opinion you should even care about, BUT my gut says you ARE making the right decision for you and your baby.

I wish you the best and am relieved to hear that you have emotional support and help through this time (your mom). And I hope that you have the support of a social worker from somewhere (your cf clinic, a shelter, an agency you identify with the help of whatshername on this forum). And I'd suggest seeing a counselor you can talk with too. (I've done that everytime a big relationship went down and it has been really helpful.)

There are a lot of things to get into place when making a move like the one your in. I sometimes felt(feel) overwhelmed. Just take deep breaths and chunk the things off one at a time and you'll be fine (or so I always tell myself).

Blow off all the advice that doesn't feel right to you. I have no idea why folks think that they know best for us in times of crisis, but they don't. Only you know what's best for you. Ambivalence always comes into play. That's OK. You'll figure it out if you listen to both your mind and your gut. Things take as long as they take. (f I could have a $1 for every person who has given me dumb advice about how to get divorced or how to grieve or how long I should take grieving or how to build a loving relationship after falling in love, or... well you get the point.., I'd be a millionaire and I could hire people to do my transitions for me ;-)

Keeping you in my heart,
Lisa

P.S. Did you get your tongue pierced? I got a perm and had my ears pierced when I got divorced long long ago. That was very rebellious at the time ;-) Of course then I got remarried and the holes in my ears just about closed up during that 11 year period. But I managed to get earrings back in them 3 months ago - and a new perm then too. Hmmm..... Is there a connection here?
 
L

LisaV

New member
Hi again Vampy,
To answer your question about "am I doing the right thing" in leaving my husband and setting up on my own with my kid.

Not that it's for me to say - or that I could possibly know you or the situation well enough to give you an intelligent answser - or that my relationships have been so great that I am someone whose opinion you should even care about, BUT my gut says you ARE making the right decision for you and your baby.

I wish you the best and am relieved to hear that you have emotional support and help through this time (your mom). And I hope that you have the support of a social worker from somewhere (your cf clinic, a shelter, an agency you identify with the help of whatshername on this forum). And I'd suggest seeing a counselor you can talk with too. (I've done that everytime a big relationship went down and it has been really helpful.)

There are a lot of things to get into place when making a move like the one your in. I sometimes felt(feel) overwhelmed. Just take deep breaths and chunk the things off one at a time and you'll be fine (or so I always tell myself).

Blow off all the advice that doesn't feel right to you. I have no idea why folks think that they know best for us in times of crisis, but they don't. Only you know what's best for you. Ambivalence always comes into play. That's OK. You'll figure it out if you listen to both your mind and your gut. Things take as long as they take. (f I could have a $1 for every person who has given me dumb advice about how to get divorced or how to grieve or how long I should take grieving or how to build a loving relationship after falling in love, or... well you get the point.., I'd be a millionaire and I could hire people to do my transitions for me ;-)

Keeping you in my heart,
Lisa

P.S. Did you get your tongue pierced? I got a perm and had my ears pierced when I got divorced long long ago. That was very rebellious at the time ;-) Of course then I got remarried and the holes in my ears just about closed up during that 11 year period. But I managed to get earrings back in them 3 months ago - and a new perm then too. Hmmm..... Is there a connection here?
 
L

LisaV

New member
Hi again Vampy,
To answer your question about "am I doing the right thing" in leaving my husband and setting up on my own with my kid.

Not that it's for me to say - or that I could possibly know you or the situation well enough to give you an intelligent answser - or that my relationships have been so great that I am someone whose opinion you should even care about, BUT my gut says you ARE making the right decision for you and your baby.

I wish you the best and am relieved to hear that you have emotional support and help through this time (your mom). And I hope that you have the support of a social worker from somewhere (your cf clinic, a shelter, an agency you identify with the help of whatshername on this forum). And I'd suggest seeing a counselor you can talk with too. (I've done that everytime a big relationship went down and it has been really helpful.)

There are a lot of things to get into place when making a move like the one your in. I sometimes felt(feel) overwhelmed. Just take deep breaths and chunk the things off one at a time and you'll be fine (or so I always tell myself).

Blow off all the advice that doesn't feel right to you. I have no idea why folks think that they know best for us in times of crisis, but they don't. Only you know what's best for you. Ambivalence always comes into play. That's OK. You'll figure it out if you listen to both your mind and your gut. Things take as long as they take. (f I could have a $1 for every person who has given me dumb advice about how to get divorced or how to grieve or how long I should take grieving or how to build a loving relationship after falling in love, or... well you get the point.., I'd be a millionaire and I could hire people to do my transitions for me ;-)

Keeping you in my heart,
Lisa

P.S. Did you get your tongue pierced? I got a perm and had my ears pierced when I got divorced long long ago. That was very rebellious at the time ;-) Of course then I got remarried and the holes in my ears just about closed up during that 11 year period. But I managed to get earrings back in them 3 months ago - and a new perm then too. Hmmm..... Is there a connection here?
 
R

Ratatosk

Administrator
Staff member
Vampy, I'm sure your head is spinning right now with the decisions you need to make. You know in your heart/gut what's best for you, but still probably have doubts about leaving an abusive relationship. Close friend of mine was in a similar situation and she knew it was best for her kids to leave, but she was scared of the what-ifs -- being alone, what if nobody every wanted her again, money... She was overwhelmed about all the little details. She also felt like a failure because was ending a relationship, she'd invested a lot in and the biggy -- she was afraid her friends and family were going to tell her "I told you so".

In the end, she moved out, got assistance, got a protection order, went back to school... And she was able to get back in touch with friends and family members her controlling ex would never ever allow her to speak with and they didn't tell her "I told you so", we were just so very relieved she was out of that horrible situation and was getting her life back on track.
 
R

Ratatosk

Administrator
Staff member
Vampy, I'm sure your head is spinning right now with the decisions you need to make. You know in your heart/gut what's best for you, but still probably have doubts about leaving an abusive relationship. Close friend of mine was in a similar situation and she knew it was best for her kids to leave, but she was scared of the what-ifs -- being alone, what if nobody every wanted her again, money... She was overwhelmed about all the little details. She also felt like a failure because was ending a relationship, she'd invested a lot in and the biggy -- she was afraid her friends and family were going to tell her "I told you so".

In the end, she moved out, got assistance, got a protection order, went back to school... And she was able to get back in touch with friends and family members her controlling ex would never ever allow her to speak with and they didn't tell her "I told you so", we were just so very relieved she was out of that horrible situation and was getting her life back on track.
 
R

Ratatosk

Administrator
Staff member
Vampy, I'm sure your head is spinning right now with the decisions you need to make. You know in your heart/gut what's best for you, but still probably have doubts about leaving an abusive relationship. Close friend of mine was in a similar situation and she knew it was best for her kids to leave, but she was scared of the what-ifs -- being alone, what if nobody every wanted her again, money... She was overwhelmed about all the little details. She also felt like a failure because was ending a relationship, she'd invested a lot in and the biggy -- she was afraid her friends and family were going to tell her "I told you so".

In the end, she moved out, got assistance, got a protection order, went back to school... And she was able to get back in touch with friends and family members her controlling ex would never ever allow her to speak with and they didn't tell her "I told you so", we were just so very relieved she was out of that horrible situation and was getting her life back on track.
 
J

julie

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>Don't tell her she's made bad choices, tell her you support her even with past mistakes. She doesn't need to be told to seek councelling because she's making mistake after mistake. I can see suggesting councelling, but not for that reason.</end quote></div>

She HAS made bad choices and many of us do NOT support those bad choices. Why are we to lie to her if we don't agree with what she's doing? She came here asking for help with a problem that has an array of resolutions, and long term consequences for her child.

Vampy, quit being so selfish. Nobody is saying you don't love your son. Just because someone gives their baby up for adoption does NOT mean they don't love them. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I've seen this coming for a long time and I'm not at all surprised by what has transpired. Nobody's picking on you here, and I know that's the victim roll that you are trying to play with us. You aired out your dirtly laundry and asked for help, wondering if you are making the right decision.

Your lack of eloquency and range of nouns in your writing helps illustrate to me just how IMMATURE you actually are. You can talk about your maturity level until you are blue in the face, but how you act on this site portrays a differnt story.

And I beg to differ with a few comments you've made:
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>My mother made horrible choices but i still turned out fine. </end quote></div> Your life appears to be a mess to me. Doestn' seem that you "still turned out fine" from this side of the street.
 
J

julie

New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>Don't tell her she's made bad choices, tell her you support her even with past mistakes. She doesn't need to be told to seek councelling because she's making mistake after mistake. I can see suggesting councelling, but not for that reason.</end quote></div>

She HAS made bad choices and many of us do NOT support those bad choices. Why are we to lie to her if we don't agree with what she's doing? She came here asking for help with a problem that has an array of resolutions, and long term consequences for her child.

Vampy, quit being so selfish. Nobody is saying you don't love your son. Just because someone gives their baby up for adoption does NOT mean they don't love them. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I've seen this coming for a long time and I'm not at all surprised by what has transpired. Nobody's picking on you here, and I know that's the victim roll that you are trying to play with us. You aired out your dirtly laundry and asked for help, wondering if you are making the right decision.

Your lack of eloquency and range of nouns in your writing helps illustrate to me just how IMMATURE you actually are. You can talk about your maturity level until you are blue in the face, but how you act on this site portrays a differnt story.

And I beg to differ with a few comments you've made:
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>My mother made horrible choices but i still turned out fine. </end quote></div> Your life appears to be a mess to me. Doestn' seem that you "still turned out fine" from this side of the street.
 
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