hopeforever5583
New member
Dear Friends:
I feel these days as those I am a bomb waiting to go off. I have better than ever pfts, 99-100% sat, no signs of infection in Xrays and no lung collapses and yet like clock work every two weeks I have a bleed. It starts two days before with specks of blood in my sputum and then tow days later a warmth in my chest and boom a full fledge hempotisis. I am working out and reaching levels never thought possible (can run 20min at a time at 4.8 speed) and eveyrthing feels fine. Tomorrow I go in for my first bronch as no one knows what is going on. I am scared,so scared that I brought my twins who are 16 months old a wedding gift. I know that sounds so funny and believe me I hate to even type this but it's true. Yesterday I went to the book store and purchased two copies of "the love dare" in leather bound.
I want somehow so desperately to give them a part of me that will never be forgotten. I am doing all I can to live and fight yet I have these days where the blood comes and reality sets in. Living has never been so amazing as I have felt having these two beautiful miracles in my life and yet I am so scared that I won't be able to see them grow up. I pray so hard that God will give me enough time to have them remember me. I guess my fear is being forgotten and I want so much to let them know that I was always thinking of them even though they are only 16 months and I am shopping for a future dream of marriage that will happen perhaps 30 from now..
Am I insane? Who does stuff like this? Yet I felt so drawn to it I just had to purchase it in the fear I won't see them get married.. I pray these bleeds will go away. God I have never missed a vest treatment and they tell you to take a break from it because of the bleed yet working out and the Vest seem to help me stay alive..
Please help! The tears are flowing and I can't reach out to my hubby because I feel I need to be strong..
Kelly
I feel these days as those I am a bomb waiting to go off. I have better than ever pfts, 99-100% sat, no signs of infection in Xrays and no lung collapses and yet like clock work every two weeks I have a bleed. It starts two days before with specks of blood in my sputum and then tow days later a warmth in my chest and boom a full fledge hempotisis. I am working out and reaching levels never thought possible (can run 20min at a time at 4.8 speed) and eveyrthing feels fine. Tomorrow I go in for my first bronch as no one knows what is going on. I am scared,so scared that I brought my twins who are 16 months old a wedding gift. I know that sounds so funny and believe me I hate to even type this but it's true. Yesterday I went to the book store and purchased two copies of "the love dare" in leather bound.
I want somehow so desperately to give them a part of me that will never be forgotten. I am doing all I can to live and fight yet I have these days where the blood comes and reality sets in. Living has never been so amazing as I have felt having these two beautiful miracles in my life and yet I am so scared that I won't be able to see them grow up. I pray so hard that God will give me enough time to have them remember me. I guess my fear is being forgotten and I want so much to let them know that I was always thinking of them even though they are only 16 months and I am shopping for a future dream of marriage that will happen perhaps 30 from now..
Am I insane? Who does stuff like this? Yet I felt so drawn to it I just had to purchase it in the fear I won't see them get married.. I pray these bleeds will go away. God I have never missed a vest treatment and they tell you to take a break from it because of the bleed yet working out and the Vest seem to help me stay alive..
Please help! The tears are flowing and I can't reach out to my hubby because I feel I need to be strong..
Kelly