how do i tell the guy i'm dating that i have cf?

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anonymous

New member
Hi y'all!

I am 25, almost 26, a woman with a MILD FORM of cystic fibrosis.

all my family and friends know i have the disease, and in my experience it was harder to tell them later rather than earlier...anyway, these people "have my back" and i know that they'll be around to support me forever!

anyways, this guy and i have only been dating for about a week, but i've liked him for a long time! i feel like i'm totally falling for him! i'm not so good at telling people about cf because i always expect a totally negative reaction: "you're gonna die," "wow, you're soo brave" and, the worst: "why didn't you tell me before? you lied to me!" most likely these reactions won't happen, but you never know.

so....my question is: WHEN and HOW is the best time to mention that you have this disease? it's hard because i have virtually no symptoms but this has almost been hindering in that it hasn't really forced me to be more upfront with people and myself about it. should i wait longer till we're more "serious" before telling him? or should i tell him ASAP and risk scaring him off? i don't want to hurt his feelings, but i also want to be honest and realistic. plus if i end up having to get hospitalized in the upcoming years....

i would also like to hear from spouses and/or boyfriends and girlfriends of people with cf. were you hurt when your lover told you because you felt betrayed? or was it not such a big deal? what is the best way to phrase it? i don't want to sugarcoat it, but i also want to be as honest as possible, because this is a guy that i could see myself with!

any help would be great! life's great when you're falling in love....

thanks!

--lovely young lady on a whirlwind romance
 
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anonymous

New member
Before I met my husband, I never told people I had CF. My close friends knew and the one other really serious boyfriend I had before my husband knew, but other than that, I really didn't tell. iI dated plenty, but because I was mild, I never felt any reason in telling unless the relationship got serious.

After I had been dating my husband for a few months, I decided that it was time to tell him. I was falling in love and I figured it was only fair that he know and I just asked him once (on the telephone of all things) if he knew what cystic fibrosis was and that I had it. I explained he'd obvioulsy heard me coughing before (I always used asthma - or say I had an "ashtma- like" condition- as an explanation in the past, as it was easier and you don't get the "oh my god you're going to die" reaction) and that was why. I also explained there were many different "forms" of the disease and that so far mine was very mild and I had had no difficuties from it at that time (still haven't, knock on wood). I think all that he said was "really?" I think had I been sicker from CF I would have had more of an obligation to tell in the sense that it probably would have affected my life more outwardly.

No one I have ever told has ever been angry that I waited to tell them. And I do explain that CF gets such a negative and piteous reaction - public knowlege basically limited to the dead by 18 thing - that I don't like to bring it up if I don't have to. So that's my story - good luck! I'm sure when you're ready to tell him he will understand and it will be fine.

Wanderlost 28w/CF
 
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Emily65Roses

New member
This may not be what you want to hear... but if telling him about the CF is going to scare him off, then he's not worth your efforts anyway. I say tell him now. Most people are really a lot better about it than we expect. I ran into my Mike (we had known each other for 7 years when we started dating) for the first time in a few years on a Friday. We didn't start dating until that following Monday, but he knew on Friday. Granted, I get stuck explaining because my CF is more obvious, but I say do it now.
 
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miesl

New member
Just be up front about it. He might not even know what CF is (I didn't know what it was before I met Jeremy), and you can take that opportunity to explain what it is and what it means.

Emily is right - if he can't handle it... he isn't worth it. You need someone who is willing to stick by you, and it's better to find out NOW rather than later.

-Michelle (Engaged! to Jeremy, 28/cf)
 
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anonymous

New member
Thanks, guys....

i guess my worst fear is that he'll dump me. but really, if a guy was to dump me because i have a disease i can't control, then he's not worth it anyways.

soldier on, fighters!!!

--original poster
 
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anonymous

New member
Or not worth wasting any more of your time on, anyway. I guess that would be good to know. I don't fault ppl for not being able to deal with CF in a new relationship. It can be a lot to throw at someone right away. And after all, there are things I wouldn't be able to handle very easily. I guess I'm of the school of thought that says if you wait a while to divulge your medical horror story, at least your lover will have all your vastly winning qualities to weigh it against. But maybe that's a bit manipulative. It's always a tough call, isn't it?

Q
 
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anonymous

New member
My uncle who has CF (and is now 53!!) once lost a serious girlfriend over it. they had been dating for quite while and then he got sick and had to go into the hospital and it really really freaked her out and they broke up. I can't fault someone for not wanting to get into a relationship with someone who sick or who has a primary part of their life consumked by doctors and medications and hospitals - it's a lot to take on, but there are people out there who will take it on and those are the ones worth waiting for.

As an aside, I've said before that my CF is very mild, but recently I had a cold and so I asked my husband to do PT (CPT I think it's called here) for me on my back and chest. I don't do this regularly, and in 4 years, he has never ever done it for me. it got us started talking about how different life could be if he had to do that for me everyday or even twice a day. But he said he would do it if he had to and I know he means it. Had I sprung this on him the first few months we'd been dating though, i don't know if the story would end the same.
 
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princessjdc

New member
Well, my opinion I think you should bring it up before things get serious, cause that way feelings wont get hurt that bad and if he really likes you then he will stay with you. I cant remember how long it was before I told my husband, I dont think we were together that long before I told him, but anyhow I had a doc appt. and he wanted to know what it was for and then thats when I told him I had it. I see the doc every 1 to 2 months, so it was somewhere in that range. One other thing he didnt really know exactly how serious this disease can be, which is another reason why I think he stayed, and I of course have a mild case of this. Anyhow he has learned quite a bit about it since we have been together, we have been together for 6 years now and married 4 years. He goes into the docs with me so that way he can hear what the doc has to say and if he has any questions he can ask, but I mainly ask the questions.

I spoil him to death any ways, how can leave that. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">
 
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WinAce

New member
For what it's worth, I thought it was unethical not to tell someone I was attracted to, as soon as I realized the feeling was most likely mutual.

We've been together for more than a year now, and are never looking back. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
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JennifersHope

New member
Win Ace.... you make me smile so much when I think about how in love you are with your Jessica. I am so happy for you that you have her. She really did change things around for you so much.

I hope you are doing well, can you start a new thread and give us an update on.. how things are going with Medicaid?

All the Best,

Jennifer
 
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anonymous

New member
With these thoughts in mind, do people with experience with cf and relationships think that their relationships are stronger or less likely to break up or divorce? I read some statistic awhile back that said that couple in which one person has cf were much less likely to divorce. any truth behind this?

--original poster
 
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Emily65Roses

New member
Not a clue, but I imagine it makes sense. If for no other reason, than because a lot of us die before it goes on too long and the other gets sick and divorces us. Hahaha. But I think it makes sense.
 
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anonymous

New member
My boyfriend and I just recently broke up, but not because of my CF. We had some other unresolved issues... The point is, when I brought these things up to him, he never once wanted to turn his back on me because of my CF. I think relationships are made stronger between people with CF (or ANY major illness) because I think both parties appreciate the other a lot more because of how short their time with each other could be. Does that make sense? I've never read a statistic on the subject, but that's my belief.
 
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anonymous

New member
CF has never been a big enough part of my life to affect my romantic relationships. I think my husband has it in the back of his mind though - he mentions if he hears a change in my cough or if I forget my enzymes but eat anyway he gets very upset about it (I'm the one with the stomach ache buddy!), but if we were to get divorced or stay together, I think CF would have nothing to do with it. My husband is diabetic, and his diabetes plays a much larger role in our relationship than my CF, but still, it too is minimal in us staying together. I'd say if either of us was sicker it would make a bigger difference though.
-wanderlost
 
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65rosessamurai

Guest
I had few relationships in my younger years, and I also would only say something if it looked serious.
With my previous marriage, I explained it, but because it wasn't an Asian Genetic Disease, she didn't fully understand. Because my case was so mild, I believed we could still have children, yet I regret the fact I didn't check to make sure.
Nonetheless, after a few years of marriage, she said if I ever got sick and be hospitalized, we would end in divorce. I never went into the hospital, but I did finally divorce that cold hearted "bleep, bleep, bleep", when realizing what the meaning of Love and Marriage is. Especially, after a serious shoulder injury in which I should have--but didn't get surgery done on it....
Now, I'm remarried, and before we got that far, I told her everything, including the sterelity, mostly to see if it would scare her off. If she wasn't scared off, then it solved two problems, she knew what she was getting into, and she wouldn't run if I ever had to be hospitalized.
At that point in my life, I had decided that if it is news that would scare them away but they're still here, then it was meant to be.
So, I agree with Emily65roses, tell them the truth and be open and honest. If they cannot accept it, then that was meant to be.
Don't worry, there will be someone to come along and know they are the one for you!<img src="i/expressions/heart.gif" border="0">
 
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pphawkins

New member
first of all it aint a disease u aint got the frigging plague, lol, its a ILLNESS, as i have cf and i do know wat its like i like my girlfriend so i was just up front and told her, if they dont love you then just move on and find someone who will love you for who and wat u are?
 
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WinAce

New member
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://thesaurus.reference.com/search?q=illness">Main Entry: illness</a>
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: disease<hr></blockquote>

Thanks for the kind words, Jennifer. To put it simply, Medicaid's officials still deserve a bear hug--from a very hungry, pissed-off bear. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
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