How do you deal with family?

ambrozhe · Jun 7, 2010

My infant son is newly diagnosed. No one in either side of the family (my husband and mine) knew about cf. I have to say that I am glad that my family has been so supportive and wants to learn about cf and the new lifestyle changes that we are making. I am thankful for my father and his new wife to stop smoking in their house (so we have somewhere to stay when we return for clinics and doctors visits). For the very few individuals in family that have chosen not to change their lifestyle - not smoking before or during a visit - I have decided not to visit them or to not let them hold my son or visit us. I don't have any problem telling my family it is my way or the highway. On the other hand, my husband always just tells his family that our ds is just fine and doing great and hasn't explained to them all of what cf includes. I don't know what his family thought - if they knew it was a chronic lung condition or just chose not to listen. During a party for both sides of the family my husbands family was smoking around my ds and holding him afterward. My family got mad at me and called my afterward to yell at me for being harder on one family over another. That wasn't the case - I didn't know what had happened until they had called and I was rather mad that they never came up to me during the b-day party to let me know what was going on - I can't believe they were more selfish of not holding him then letting me know that someone else was putting his health at risk.
SO after I made my family mad and my husbands family mad after going on a rant about how they could be so stupid (Not a great choice of words but I was mad), here came my in-laws family reunion. To make a long story short, almost no one had any respect for my ds. People were spraying mosquito spray (whole cans on many people) in front of our cabin when the a/c wasn't working and we needed to keep the windows open and didn't care that I asked them to move. Others were mad that I didn't allow them to hold my ds when I knew that were smokers. I got lots of "looks" from my in-laws and for a family that was easy to talk to changed to being a family that ostracized me.
To make matters worse I noticed that my ds was having trouble breathing while at the reunion (away from home and doctors). His area between his stomach and his sternum and around his ribs caved in while breathing. So I immediately called the doctors exchange and found the nearest Urgency room. His family (including my husband) all told me that I was overreacting and that I was making up stories when they could also visibly see what was occurring.
So my question to everyone is: How do you deal with family?

ambrozhe · Jun 7, 2010

My infant son is newly diagnosed. No one in either side of the family (my husband and mine) knew about cf. I have to say that I am glad that my family has been so supportive and wants to learn about cf and the new lifestyle changes that we are making. I am thankful for my father and his new wife to stop smoking in their house (so we have somewhere to stay when we return for clinics and doctors visits). For the very few individuals in family that have chosen not to change their lifestyle - not smoking before or during a visit - I have decided not to visit them or to not let them hold my son or visit us. I don't have any problem telling my family it is my way or the highway. On the other hand, my husband always just tells his family that our ds is just fine and doing great and hasn't explained to them all of what cf includes. I don't know what his family thought - if they knew it was a chronic lung condition or just chose not to listen. During a party for both sides of the family my husbands family was smoking around my ds and holding him afterward. My family got mad at me and called my afterward to yell at me for being harder on one family over another. That wasn't the case - I didn't know what had happened until they had called and I was rather mad that they never came up to me during the b-day party to let me know what was going on - I can't believe they were more selfish of not holding him then letting me know that someone else was putting his health at risk.
SO after I made my family mad and my husbands family mad after going on a rant about how they could be so stupid (Not a great choice of words but I was mad), here came my in-laws family reunion. To make a long story short, almost no one had any respect for my ds. People were spraying mosquito spray (whole cans on many people) in front of our cabin when the a/c wasn't working and we needed to keep the windows open and didn't care that I asked them to move. Others were mad that I didn't allow them to hold my ds when I knew that were smokers. I got lots of "looks" from my in-laws and for a family that was easy to talk to changed to being a family that ostracized me.
To make matters worse I noticed that my ds was having trouble breathing while at the reunion (away from home and doctors). His area between his stomach and his sternum and around his ribs caved in while breathing. So I immediately called the doctors exchange and found the nearest Urgency room. His family (including my husband) all told me that I was overreacting and that I was making up stories when they could also visibly see what was occurring.
So my question to everyone is: How do you deal with family?

ambrozhe · Jun 7, 2010

My infant son is newly diagnosed. No one in either side of the family (my husband and mine) knew about cf. I have to say that I am glad that my family has been so supportive and wants to learn about cf and the new lifestyle changes that we are making. I am thankful for my father and his new wife to stop smoking in their house (so we have somewhere to stay when we return for clinics and doctors visits). For the very few individuals in family that have chosen not to change their lifestyle - not smoking before or during a visit - I have decided not to visit them or to not let them hold my son or visit us. I don't have any problem telling my family it is my way or the highway. On the other hand, my husband always just tells his family that our ds is just fine and doing great and hasn't explained to them all of what cf includes. I don't know what his family thought - if they knew it was a chronic lung condition or just chose not to listen. During a party for both sides of the family my husbands family was smoking around my ds and holding him afterward. My family got mad at me and called my afterward to yell at me for being harder on one family over another. That wasn't the case - I didn't know what had happened until they had called and I was rather mad that they never came up to me during the b-day party to let me know what was going on - I can't believe they were more selfish of not holding him then letting me know that someone else was putting his health at risk.
 SO after I made my family mad and my husbands family mad after going on a rant about how they could be so stupid (Not a great choice of words but I was mad), here came my in-laws family reunion. To make a long story short, almost no one had any respect for my ds. People were spraying mosquito spray (whole cans on many people) in front of our cabin when the a/c wasn't working and we needed to keep the windows open and didn't care that I asked them to move. Others were mad that I didn't allow them to hold my ds when I knew that were smokers. I got lots of "looks" from my in-laws and for a family that was easy to talk to changed to being a family that ostracized me.
 To make matters worse I noticed that my ds was having trouble breathing while at the reunion (away from home and doctors). His area between his stomach and his sternum and around his ribs caved in while breathing. So I immediately called the doctors exchange and found the nearest Urgency room. His family (including my husband) all told me that I was overreacting and that I was making up stories when they could also visibly see what was occurring.
 So my question to everyone is: How do you deal with family?

Ratatosk · Jun 7, 2010

It'd be easier if your husband was supportive. You need to sit down with him and rationally talk about groundrules. When DS was a baby, DH and I would have "what if" conversations because we had issues with people showing up to family events "with just a cold", only to find out they had pneumonia or some other bug.

While my MIL loves her grandson dearly, she had issues initially with being embarrassed about telling someone not to smoke or show up sick, so DH had to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with her. If they wanted to see their grandchild and they KNEW someone was sick, then understand that we WILL leave and she will be even more embarrassed with having to explain why we left. Nowdays it's the other extreme, a cousin gets laryngitis due to allergies each year and wondered if she should stay home from 4th of July.

And your relatives should've told you about the smoking instead of standing by. Aren't families fun? <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">isgust; We still have some issues, but I usually try to rationally talk to DH about it. But there are somedays, that I want to hole up and keep DS around some of our crazy relatives.

Ratatosk · Jun 7, 2010

It'd be easier if your husband was supportive. You need to sit down with him and rationally talk about groundrules. When DS was a baby, DH and I would have "what if" conversations because we had issues with people showing up to family events "with just a cold", only to find out they had pneumonia or some other bug.

While my MIL loves her grandson dearly, she had issues initially with being embarrassed about telling someone not to smoke or show up sick, so DH had to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with her. If they wanted to see their grandchild and they KNEW someone was sick, then understand that we WILL leave and she will be even more embarrassed with having to explain why we left. Nowdays it's the other extreme, a cousin gets laryngitis due to allergies each year and wondered if she should stay home from 4th of July.

And your relatives should've told you about the smoking instead of standing by. Aren't families fun? <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">isgust; We still have some issues, but I usually try to rationally talk to DH about it. But there are somedays, that I want to hole up and keep DS around some of our crazy relatives.

Ratatosk · Jun 7, 2010

It'd be easier if your husband was supportive. You need to sit down with him and rationally talk about groundrules. When DS was a baby, DH and I would have "what if" conversations because we had issues with people showing up to family events "with just a cold", only to find out they had pneumonia or some other bug.
 
 While my MIL loves her grandson dearly, she had issues initially with being embarrassed about telling someone not to smoke or show up sick, so DH had to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with her. If they wanted to see their grandchild and they KNEW someone was sick, then understand that we WILL leave and she will be even more embarrassed with having to explain why we left. Nowdays it's the other extreme, a cousin gets laryngitis due to allergies each year and wondered if she should stay home from 4th of July.
 
 And your relatives should've told you about the smoking instead of standing by. Aren't families fun? <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">isgust; We still have some issues, but I usually try to rationally talk to DH about it. But there are somedays, that I want to hole up and keep DS around some of our crazy relatives.

SARAHSARAH253 · Jun 7, 2010

IHow do you deal with family?

I agree with Liza. It's important to make sure Dad is involved with helping teach his side of the family. I'm sure in time he will become a pro at this. It's amazing how much better my in-laws listen to my husband when he speaks up. Don't get me wrong they listen to me, but when John my husband says the same thing it's like their faces get this look...Like this is serious!

Our experience with family was very tough at first. Explaining the expectations we have for keeping our son healthy. It still is not perfect, but now we are in a comfortable place. We have talked and talked with so many relatives about our "rules". That I catch other family members lecturing each other on teaching the kids good habits. That's how we put it!

I state it very clearly pretty much at every get together. That my job is to protect my son and keep him healthy as long as I can, and it's all of our job to teach him healthy habits. EXAMPLE...Not sharing drinks and letting him eat off our spoons. MY NUMBER 1 PET PEEVE.

I think it may be harder for older/wiser family members to take my expectations. They always have something smart to say back. Example: I raised six kids I think I know what I'm doing. I have had to be very polite and compliment the good they do. But, also remind them that we are dealing with a serious health issue that none of us have experience with, and I need them to respect our wishes.

As far as smoking, I would love to say that everyone in the family stopped smoking. I would love to say I never let anyone hold my son that after they had a cigarette. But that's not true. Those stupid smokers are my sons family, and I try my best to encourage them to stop smoking. I can't change them I just can change how we deal with them. We don't visit certain places to avoid unhealthy situations. Instead we encourage people to visit us. On our turf our rules! Though I have never seen him respond poorly because of it. Which it looks like your baby did, and that's a different story. I wish you lot's of luck!

It's sooo tough! I missed X'Mas last year because my sisters kids all had bronchitis. It's sucked and I cried my eyes out. I hated having to yell at my Mother. Trying to tell her why we would not be coming, and her saying it's just a little cold. All I can say is it get's better.......But, it is a work in progress!

Love,
Sarah

SARAHSARAH253 · Jun 7, 2010

IHow do you deal with family?

I agree with Liza. It's important to make sure Dad is involved with helping teach his side of the family. I'm sure in time he will become a pro at this. It's amazing how much better my in-laws listen to my husband when he speaks up. Don't get me wrong they listen to me, but when John my husband says the same thing it's like their faces get this look...Like this is serious!

Our experience with family was very tough at first. Explaining the expectations we have for keeping our son healthy. It still is not perfect, but now we are in a comfortable place. We have talked and talked with so many relatives about our "rules". That I catch other family members lecturing each other on teaching the kids good habits. That's how we put it!

I state it very clearly pretty much at every get together. That my job is to protect my son and keep him healthy as long as I can, and it's all of our job to teach him healthy habits. EXAMPLE...Not sharing drinks and letting him eat off our spoons. MY NUMBER 1 PET PEEVE.

I think it may be harder for older/wiser family members to take my expectations. They always have something smart to say back. Example: I raised six kids I think I know what I'm doing. I have had to be very polite and compliment the good they do. But, also remind them that we are dealing with a serious health issue that none of us have experience with, and I need them to respect our wishes.

As far as smoking, I would love to say that everyone in the family stopped smoking. I would love to say I never let anyone hold my son that after they had a cigarette. But that's not true. Those stupid smokers are my sons family, and I try my best to encourage them to stop smoking. I can't change them I just can change how we deal with them. We don't visit certain places to avoid unhealthy situations. Instead we encourage people to visit us. On our turf our rules! Though I have never seen him respond poorly because of it. Which it looks like your baby did, and that's a different story. I wish you lot's of luck!

It's sooo tough! I missed X'Mas last year because my sisters kids all had bronchitis. It's sucked and I cried my eyes out. I hated having to yell at my Mother. Trying to tell her why we would not be coming, and her saying it's just a little cold. All I can say is it get's better.......But, it is a work in progress!

Love,
Sarah

SARAHSARAH253 · Jun 7, 2010

IHow do you deal with family?

I agree with Liza. It's important to make sure Dad is involved with helping teach his side of the family. I'm sure in time he will become a pro at this. It's amazing how much better my in-laws listen to my husband when he speaks up. Don't get me wrong they listen to me, but when John my husband says the same thing it's like their faces get this look...Like this is serious!
 
 Our experience with family was very tough at first. Explaining the expectations we have for keeping our son healthy. It still is not perfect, but now we are in a comfortable place. We have talked and talked with so many relatives about our "rules". That I catch other family members lecturing each other on teaching the kids good habits. That's how we put it!
 
 I state it very clearly pretty much at every get together. That my job is to protect my son and keep him healthy as long as I can, and it's all of our job to teach him healthy habits. EXAMPLE...Not sharing drinks and letting him eat off our spoons. MY NUMBER 1 PET PEEVE.
 
 I think it may be harder for older/wiser family members to take my expectations. They always have something smart to say back. Example: I raised six kids I think I know what I'm doing. I have had to be very polite and compliment the good they do. But, also remind them that we are dealing with a serious health issue that none of us have experience with, and I need them to respect our wishes.
 
 As far as smoking, I would love to say that everyone in the family stopped smoking. I would love to say I never let anyone hold my son that after they had a cigarette. But that's not true. Those stupid smokers are my sons family, and I try my best to encourage them to stop smoking. I can't change them I just can change how we deal with them. We don't visit certain places to avoid unhealthy situations. Instead we encourage people to visit us. On our turf our rules! Though I have never seen him respond poorly because of it. Which it looks like your baby did, and that's a different story. I wish you lot's of luck!
 
 It's sooo tough! I missed X'Mas last year because my sisters kids all had bronchitis. It's sucked and I cried my eyes out. I hated having to yell at my Mother. Trying to tell her why we would not be coming, and her saying it's just a little cold. All I can say is it get's better.......But, it is a work in progress!
 
 Love,
 Sarah

grantsmom · Jun 7, 2010

IHow do you deal with family?

I just want to say welcome to the site. Just remember you know whats best for your child so hold your ground with the family. Hopefully they will come around. I'll spare you the details but I could write a book on my family and the problems we faced trying to explain CF to them. Sadly a lot of them were not "getting it"- Hang in there.

grantsmom · Jun 7, 2010

IHow do you deal with family?

I just want to say welcome to the site. Just remember you know whats best for your child so hold your ground with the family. Hopefully they will come around. I'll spare you the details but I could write a book on my family and the problems we faced trying to explain CF to them. Sadly a lot of them were not "getting it"- Hang in there.

grantsmom · Jun 7, 2010

IHow do you deal with family?

I just want to say welcome to the site. Just remember you know whats best for your child so hold your ground with the family. Hopefully they will come around. I'll spare you the details but I could write a book on my family and the problems we faced trying to explain CF to them. Sadly a lot of them were not "getting it"- Hang in there.

SadiesMom · Jun 7, 2010

We have similar issues. My husband likes to downplay CF and always says how great sadie is doing, which she is, but it's because of all of the precautions we take and how we keep up on her meds. He's getting better, but his family doesn't seem to really "get it" most of the time. My in-laws claimed to have stopped smoking in the house, but the last time we were there, our clothes smelled like smoke when we left and I had to rewash everything. My MiL was offended when we told her we couldn't stay there anymore. You can't ask them to change, the only thing you can do is to try and control your son's environment. Lay the ground rules, they'll get used to it.

SadiesMom · Jun 7, 2010

We have similar issues. My husband likes to downplay CF and always says how great sadie is doing, which she is, but it's because of all of the precautions we take and how we keep up on her meds. He's getting better, but his family doesn't seem to really "get it" most of the time. My in-laws claimed to have stopped smoking in the house, but the last time we were there, our clothes smelled like smoke when we left and I had to rewash everything. My MiL was offended when we told her we couldn't stay there anymore. You can't ask them to change, the only thing you can do is to try and control your son's environment. Lay the ground rules, they'll get used to it.

SadiesMom · Jun 7, 2010

We have similar issues. My husband likes to downplay CF and always says how great sadie is doing, which she is, but it's because of all of the precautions we take and how we keep up on her meds. He's getting better, but his family doesn't seem to really "get it" most of the time. My in-laws claimed to have stopped smoking in the house, but the last time we were there, our clothes smelled like smoke when we left and I had to rewash everything. My MiL was offended when we told her we couldn't stay there anymore. You can't ask them to change, the only thing you can do is to try and control your son's environment. Lay the ground rules, they'll get used to it.

Ratatosk · Jun 8, 2010

I think one of the issues I struggled with is that being a new parent, I was so worried about everything at first -- mainly that DS would end up back in the hospital. We had a rule that if anyone wanted to hold DS they had to wash hands -- this had carried over as a habit after spending 6 weeks in the NICU. So I was under stress as a new parent learning my way and add to that the cf issues.

In addition to the issue with sick people showing up, as well as the trying to prevent people from feeding him off their plates or drinking out of their glasses we have the dreaded hanky/kleenex issue. While my FIL still carries a hanky he knows DARN well NOT to wipe DS' face or nose with it. Cringe!

This past week we had issues with MY relatives. Out came a kleenex from the pocket, had drinking from someone else's glass and add to that someone staying at our house claiming they weren't contagious yet had some sort of gastrointestinal bug. I just spent my lunch hour today doing laundry and spraying down doorknobs and surfaces with lysol. Grrrr!

Ratatosk · Jun 8, 2010

I think one of the issues I struggled with is that being a new parent, I was so worried about everything at first -- mainly that DS would end up back in the hospital. We had a rule that if anyone wanted to hold DS they had to wash hands -- this had carried over as a habit after spending 6 weeks in the NICU. So I was under stress as a new parent learning my way and add to that the cf issues.

In addition to the issue with sick people showing up, as well as the trying to prevent people from feeding him off their plates or drinking out of their glasses we have the dreaded hanky/kleenex issue. While my FIL still carries a hanky he knows DARN well NOT to wipe DS' face or nose with it. Cringe!

This past week we had issues with MY relatives. Out came a kleenex from the pocket, had drinking from someone else's glass and add to that someone staying at our house claiming they weren't contagious yet had some sort of gastrointestinal bug. I just spent my lunch hour today doing laundry and spraying down doorknobs and surfaces with lysol. Grrrr!

Ratatosk · Jun 8, 2010

I think one of the issues I struggled with is that being a new parent, I was so worried about everything at first -- mainly that DS would end up back in the hospital. We had a rule that if anyone wanted to hold DS they had to wash hands -- this had carried over as a habit after spending 6 weeks in the NICU. So I was under stress as a new parent learning my way and add to that the cf issues.
 
 In addition to the issue with sick people showing up, as well as the trying to prevent people from feeding him off their plates or drinking out of their glasses we have the dreaded hanky/kleenex issue. While my FIL still carries a hanky he knows DARN well NOT to wipe DS' face or nose with it. Cringe!
 
 This past week we had issues with MY relatives. Out came a kleenex from the pocket, had drinking from someone else's glass and add to that someone staying at our house claiming they weren't contagious yet had some sort of gastrointestinal bug. I just spent my lunch hour today doing laundry and spraying down doorknobs and surfaces with lysol. Grrrr!

crickit715 · Jun 8, 2010

wow....sounds so familiar!! had the same issue with some smokers in my family and finally had to "blow a gasket" before they "understood"...its terrible that it comes to that sometimes. i have a really good link to an article on 3rd hand smoke (smoke on clothes, hair, furniture)

<a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/health/research/03smoke.html?em">http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01...search/03smoke.html?em</a>

crickit715 · Jun 8, 2010

wow....sounds so familiar!! had the same issue with some smokers in my family and finally had to "blow a gasket" before they "understood"...its terrible that it comes to that sometimes. i have a really good link to an article on 3rd hand smoke (smoke on clothes, hair, furniture)

<a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/health/research/03smoke.html?em">http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01...search/03smoke.html?em</a>

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