MicheleGazelle
New member
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>welshwitch</b></i>
Hey Michelle,
I don't really have anything to add but I want to thank you for your insightful remarks re: how to react when people find out something "big" about you. It made me really rethink some of my patterns and why I try to avoid people finding out I have CF.</end quote></div>
You are welcome.
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>I have a tendancy to want to "protect" people I love from finding out my secret. For some reason, I feel like they won't be able to "handle" it or they already have enough on their plate without having to worry about me. But, at the same time, I feel really bad that I try to protect them from this truth. It's like, do I underestimate some of the people in my life from being able to be a support to me? Then, I start feeling like I am playing this weird power game with them, like those who have "earned it" I let them in on my health struggles. Those who have not, I leave them in the dark, only to find out later on their own and then I feel again responsible for their pain.
The funny thing is, the people in my life who i HAVE let in on my health issues have stuck by me thru thick and thin!
I guess ultimately I don't know how to approach the issue, as everytime I tell people about my CF it really comes out of left field and I start crying about it.....someday I'd really like to be able to discuss it calmly without being terrified of THEIR reaction.</end quote></div>
A few thoughts/observations:
I have become more emotionally resilient and more able to cope with strong emotions since getting healthier. So let me suggest that breaking down and crying may in part grow out of your fragile state of health -- ie it may be more physiological than emotional. I say that to suggest that you may be more emotionally together than you realize and may be misinterpretting your own reactions. Seeing it as physiological might help you cope better with it.
Also, with being so sick for so long and frequently housebound, I have spent a great deal of time online in recent years. Now that I am well enough to work a full time job, I am spending more time interacting with people face-to-face. The emotional reaction of other people impacts me a lot more in face-to-face situations. I believe it has to do with the chemical aspect of having an emotional reaction and that I am physically influenced by that. So you may be crying in part in physical reaction to their strong reaction. It is likely reinforced by how often this has happened before (a la "Pavlov's dogs"). Being physically a little farther away or telling someone by email or phone or a note might help that aspect of it. That may sound cold but I have found ways to do so that aren't cold. For example: At work, the only way to have a really private conversation is by email. So it has been very natural to let a few people know by email and let them know it is confidential information.
That last remark leads me to feel I should probably share why I want it to remain confidential at work. I have found that, in a group setting, if I have divulged "big news" to a significant number of people through one-on-one, private conversations where that news was rellevant to mention, when it does come out publically, I have a lot less crap to deal with. Why is that? Well, I think it's because if half the people already know, they don't react strongly to it when it does finally get stated in public. And then a lot of people in the other half of the group will take their social cues from the lack of strong reactions (or from the fact that strong reactions are at least limited).
I am also making a point of being open about the fact that I have health problems -- allergies, food issues, etc. -- without stating that I have CF. I have reason to believe that being open about those details without naming my diagnosis will help people come to grips with it when it does get divulged. It won't be "news" that I have health problems. It will only be news that my health problems are called by the name "cystic fibrosis". That should do a lot to cushion the blow. And they should have a pretty good idea of what it means for ME to have CF, so they should be a lot less likely to freak out and overreact and think I am "dying" or some such. They should realize it means I eat careful, wipe things down a lot, and so on and occassionally leave work early to go puke my guts out. But I really don't miss that much work.
Well, speaking of work, I went in for a few hours today. I don't normally work on Saturday. I need a nap.
Catch you later. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
Hey Michelle,
I don't really have anything to add but I want to thank you for your insightful remarks re: how to react when people find out something "big" about you. It made me really rethink some of my patterns and why I try to avoid people finding out I have CF.</end quote></div>
You are welcome.
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>I have a tendancy to want to "protect" people I love from finding out my secret. For some reason, I feel like they won't be able to "handle" it or they already have enough on their plate without having to worry about me. But, at the same time, I feel really bad that I try to protect them from this truth. It's like, do I underestimate some of the people in my life from being able to be a support to me? Then, I start feeling like I am playing this weird power game with them, like those who have "earned it" I let them in on my health struggles. Those who have not, I leave them in the dark, only to find out later on their own and then I feel again responsible for their pain.
The funny thing is, the people in my life who i HAVE let in on my health issues have stuck by me thru thick and thin!
I guess ultimately I don't know how to approach the issue, as everytime I tell people about my CF it really comes out of left field and I start crying about it.....someday I'd really like to be able to discuss it calmly without being terrified of THEIR reaction.</end quote></div>
A few thoughts/observations:
I have become more emotionally resilient and more able to cope with strong emotions since getting healthier. So let me suggest that breaking down and crying may in part grow out of your fragile state of health -- ie it may be more physiological than emotional. I say that to suggest that you may be more emotionally together than you realize and may be misinterpretting your own reactions. Seeing it as physiological might help you cope better with it.
Also, with being so sick for so long and frequently housebound, I have spent a great deal of time online in recent years. Now that I am well enough to work a full time job, I am spending more time interacting with people face-to-face. The emotional reaction of other people impacts me a lot more in face-to-face situations. I believe it has to do with the chemical aspect of having an emotional reaction and that I am physically influenced by that. So you may be crying in part in physical reaction to their strong reaction. It is likely reinforced by how often this has happened before (a la "Pavlov's dogs"). Being physically a little farther away or telling someone by email or phone or a note might help that aspect of it. That may sound cold but I have found ways to do so that aren't cold. For example: At work, the only way to have a really private conversation is by email. So it has been very natural to let a few people know by email and let them know it is confidential information.
That last remark leads me to feel I should probably share why I want it to remain confidential at work. I have found that, in a group setting, if I have divulged "big news" to a significant number of people through one-on-one, private conversations where that news was rellevant to mention, when it does come out publically, I have a lot less crap to deal with. Why is that? Well, I think it's because if half the people already know, they don't react strongly to it when it does finally get stated in public. And then a lot of people in the other half of the group will take their social cues from the lack of strong reactions (or from the fact that strong reactions are at least limited).
I am also making a point of being open about the fact that I have health problems -- allergies, food issues, etc. -- without stating that I have CF. I have reason to believe that being open about those details without naming my diagnosis will help people come to grips with it when it does get divulged. It won't be "news" that I have health problems. It will only be news that my health problems are called by the name "cystic fibrosis". That should do a lot to cushion the blow. And they should have a pretty good idea of what it means for ME to have CF, so they should be a lot less likely to freak out and overreact and think I am "dying" or some such. They should realize it means I eat careful, wipe things down a lot, and so on and occassionally leave work early to go puke my guts out. But I really don't miss that much work.
Well, speaking of work, I went in for a few hours today. I don't normally work on Saturday. I need a nap.
Catch you later. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">