I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

Opi · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

I'll be 23 in about 2 weeks. I Have CF obviously. Haven't had health insurance in about 5-6 years and it's showing. I'm not REAL bad off, I'm about 5'11 and I weigh around 145 (used to weigh 180) Everytime I cough within the past few months I get a mouthful of nasty mucus. Now I'm going to preface this by saying my faith in God is strong and I'm a born again christian etc, so I'm not real concerned about dying. My mom and I had this conversation and she asked if I was sad about all this, I said no way why would I be sad about being in heaven with a brand new body? I'm very thankful for the life I have/have been given but I'm just ready to turn in, I'm not going to win this battle ya know?

Opi · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

I'll be 23 in about 2 weeks. I Have CF obviously. Haven't had health insurance in about 5-6 years and it's showing. I'm not REAL bad off, I'm about 5'11 and I weigh around 145 (used to weigh 180) Everytime I cough within the past few months I get a mouthful of nasty mucus. Now I'm going to preface this by saying my faith in God is strong and I'm a born again christian etc, so I'm not real concerned about dying. My mom and I had this conversation and she asked if I was sad about all this, I said no way why would I be sad about being in heaven with a brand new body? I'm very thankful for the life I have/have been given but I'm just ready to turn in, I'm not going to win this battle ya know?

Opi · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

I'll be 23 in about 2 weeks. I Have CF obviously. Haven't had health insurance in about 5-6 years and it's showing. I'm not REAL bad off, I'm about 5'11 and I weigh around 145 (used to weigh 180) Everytime I cough within the past few months I get a mouthful of nasty mucus. Now I'm going to preface this by saying my faith in God is strong and I'm a born again christian etc, so I'm not real concerned about dying. My mom and I had this conversation and she asked if I was sad about all this, I said no way why would I be sad about being in heaven with a brand new body? I'm very thankful for the life I have/have been given but I'm just ready to turn in, I'm not going to win this battle ya know?

Opi · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

I'll be 23 in about 2 weeks. I Have CF obviously. Haven't had health insurance in about 5-6 years and it's showing. I'm not REAL bad off, I'm about 5'11 and I weigh around 145 (used to weigh 180) Everytime I cough within the past few months I get a mouthful of nasty mucus. Now I'm going to preface this by saying my faith in God is strong and I'm a born again christian etc, so I'm not real concerned about dying. My mom and I had this conversation and she asked if I was sad about all this, I said no way why would I be sad about being in heaven with a brand new body? I'm very thankful for the life I have/have been given but I'm just ready to turn in, I'm not going to win this battle ya know?

Opi · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

I'll be 23 in about 2 weeks. I Have CF obviously. Haven't had health insurance in about 5-6 years and it's showing. I'm not REAL bad off, I'm about 5'11 and I weigh around 145 (used to weigh 180) Everytime I cough within the past few months I get a mouthful of nasty mucus. Now I'm going to preface this by saying my faith in God is strong and I'm a born again christian etc, so I'm not real concerned about dying. My mom and I had this conversation and she asked if I was sad about all this, I said no way why would I be sad about being in heaven with a brand new body? I'm very thankful for the life I have/have been given but I'm just ready to turn in, I'm not going to win this battle ya know?

Faust · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

It's up to you man/woman. I'm very spiritual but I'm not religious, and I'm not a "Christian", at least in the typical sense. I personally really enjoy life, and would like to continue to enjoy it. All religious values aside, we know what life is, we don't know what death is. On top of that, even though life can be very cruel and rough at times, there is real value in it. Laughter, sex, being with loved ones, countless leisure activities, beer...The list of good things life offers is extremely long. Death? Well, as I said, religious faith aside, we just know for a fact your body stops working and it decays. I prefer going with what I know vs what I don't know. Hence why I am vigilant regarding my care. I have people here who love me, and I love them, and I want to stay with them for as long as possible.

I won't go on about my questions regarding religious feelings of others. But I think it would benefit you if you tried to get on health insurance, did all the things you should, and enjoy the life you were given for as long as you can. If you think about it, someone that neglects their body, and in turn neglects their life that "God" gave them, isn't that being disrespectful towards "God", who gave you this life? I would think "God" would be pretty upset someone would do that with his/her gift. But of course, just like what happens after death, that is also speculation.

Take care of yourself, do what you have to, to stay here.

Faust · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

It's up to you man/woman. I'm very spiritual but I'm not religious, and I'm not a "Christian", at least in the typical sense. I personally really enjoy life, and would like to continue to enjoy it. All religious values aside, we know what life is, we don't know what death is. On top of that, even though life can be very cruel and rough at times, there is real value in it. Laughter, sex, being with loved ones, countless leisure activities, beer...The list of good things life offers is extremely long. Death? Well, as I said, religious faith aside, we just know for a fact your body stops working and it decays. I prefer going with what I know vs what I don't know. Hence why I am vigilant regarding my care. I have people here who love me, and I love them, and I want to stay with them for as long as possible.

I won't go on about my questions regarding religious feelings of others. But I think it would benefit you if you tried to get on health insurance, did all the things you should, and enjoy the life you were given for as long as you can. If you think about it, someone that neglects their body, and in turn neglects their life that "God" gave them, isn't that being disrespectful towards "God", who gave you this life? I would think "God" would be pretty upset someone would do that with his/her gift. But of course, just like what happens after death, that is also speculation.

Take care of yourself, do what you have to, to stay here.

Faust · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

It's up to you man/woman. I'm very spiritual but I'm not religious, and I'm not a "Christian", at least in the typical sense. I personally really enjoy life, and would like to continue to enjoy it. All religious values aside, we know what life is, we don't know what death is. On top of that, even though life can be very cruel and rough at times, there is real value in it. Laughter, sex, being with loved ones, countless leisure activities, beer...The list of good things life offers is extremely long. Death? Well, as I said, religious faith aside, we just know for a fact your body stops working and it decays. I prefer going with what I know vs what I don't know. Hence why I am vigilant regarding my care. I have people here who love me, and I love them, and I want to stay with them for as long as possible.

I won't go on about my questions regarding religious feelings of others. But I think it would benefit you if you tried to get on health insurance, did all the things you should, and enjoy the life you were given for as long as you can. If you think about it, someone that neglects their body, and in turn neglects their life that "God" gave them, isn't that being disrespectful towards "God", who gave you this life? I would think "God" would be pretty upset someone would do that with his/her gift. But of course, just like what happens after death, that is also speculation.

Take care of yourself, do what you have to, to stay here.

Faust · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

It's up to you man/woman. I'm very spiritual but I'm not religious, and I'm not a "Christian", at least in the typical sense. I personally really enjoy life, and would like to continue to enjoy it. All religious values aside, we know what life is, we don't know what death is. On top of that, even though life can be very cruel and rough at times, there is real value in it. Laughter, sex, being with loved ones, countless leisure activities, beer...The list of good things life offers is extremely long. Death? Well, as I said, religious faith aside, we just know for a fact your body stops working and it decays. I prefer going with what I know vs what I don't know. Hence why I am vigilant regarding my care. I have people here who love me, and I love them, and I want to stay with them for as long as possible.

I won't go on about my questions regarding religious feelings of others. But I think it would benefit you if you tried to get on health insurance, did all the things you should, and enjoy the life you were given for as long as you can. If you think about it, someone that neglects their body, and in turn neglects their life that "God" gave them, isn't that being disrespectful towards "God", who gave you this life? I would think "God" would be pretty upset someone would do that with his/her gift. But of course, just like what happens after death, that is also speculation.

Take care of yourself, do what you have to, to stay here.

Faust · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

It's up to you man/woman. I'm very spiritual but I'm not religious, and I'm not a "Christian", at least in the typical sense. I personally really enjoy life, and would like to continue to enjoy it. All religious values aside, we know what life is, we don't know what death is. On top of that, even though life can be very cruel and rough at times, there is real value in it. Laughter, sex, being with loved ones, countless leisure activities, beer...The list of good things life offers is extremely long. Death? Well, as I said, religious faith aside, we just know for a fact your body stops working and it decays. I prefer going with what I know vs what I don't know. Hence why I am vigilant regarding my care. I have people here who love me, and I love them, and I want to stay with them for as long as possible.
 
 
 I won't go on about my questions regarding religious feelings of others. But I think it would benefit you if you tried to get on health insurance, did all the things you should, and enjoy the life you were given for as long as you can. If you think about it, someone that neglects their body, and in turn neglects their life that "God" gave them, isn't that being disrespectful towards "God", who gave you this life? I would think "God" would be pretty upset someone would do that with his/her gift. But of course, just like what happens after death, that is also speculation.
 
 
 Take care of yourself, do what you have to, to stay here.

AnD · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

Opi, please take this in the spirit of Christian love that I am sending it- it sounds like you are tired and depressed. Which is understandable with what you have been through in the last year. Even without CF, that would be difficult to get through.

You can get better and feel better with the proper care, and you shouldn't give up before you have given it a chance. I don't know of anywhere that says we are to give up without a fight.

Have you looked at the routes for getting medical care that were given to you in the other threads? There are many people here who are willing to help you, but we can't make you do it, only offer help and resources and encourage you.

As Ginny Owens says in her song "(God) never said it would be easy- you only said I'll never go alone"

and from 2 Timothy 1:7
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

You can do this! Yes, it is a battle, no, in the end, we don't win the physical war- no one does <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> . But, we aren't to give up without a fight! And I believe that once you get back on your feet, mentally and physically, you will be able to see that life is a gift, and that God still has a purpose for you (you are still here, aren't you? <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ).

Start working on getting medical care, and start praying for direction in what He wants you to do, and I think you may be surprised at how your outlook will change! Just take it one step at a time, enlist some help (like the clinic social worker and your medical care, and a Christian counseler that your church can direct you to, or maybe even the social worker can help with that), and hang in there.

Please keep us updated to let us know how you are, and feel free to pm me anytime.

AnD · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

Opi, please take this in the spirit of Christian love that I am sending it- it sounds like you are tired and depressed. Which is understandable with what you have been through in the last year. Even without CF, that would be difficult to get through.

You can get better and feel better with the proper care, and you shouldn't give up before you have given it a chance. I don't know of anywhere that says we are to give up without a fight.

Have you looked at the routes for getting medical care that were given to you in the other threads? There are many people here who are willing to help you, but we can't make you do it, only offer help and resources and encourage you.

As Ginny Owens says in her song "(God) never said it would be easy- you only said I'll never go alone"

and from 2 Timothy 1:7
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

You can do this! Yes, it is a battle, no, in the end, we don't win the physical war- no one does <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> . But, we aren't to give up without a fight! And I believe that once you get back on your feet, mentally and physically, you will be able to see that life is a gift, and that God still has a purpose for you (you are still here, aren't you? <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ).

Start working on getting medical care, and start praying for direction in what He wants you to do, and I think you may be surprised at how your outlook will change! Just take it one step at a time, enlist some help (like the clinic social worker and your medical care, and a Christian counseler that your church can direct you to, or maybe even the social worker can help with that), and hang in there.

Please keep us updated to let us know how you are, and feel free to pm me anytime.

AnD · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

Opi, please take this in the spirit of Christian love that I am sending it- it sounds like you are tired and depressed. Which is understandable with what you have been through in the last year. Even without CF, that would be difficult to get through.

You can get better and feel better with the proper care, and you shouldn't give up before you have given it a chance. I don't know of anywhere that says we are to give up without a fight.

Have you looked at the routes for getting medical care that were given to you in the other threads? There are many people here who are willing to help you, but we can't make you do it, only offer help and resources and encourage you.

As Ginny Owens says in her song "(God) never said it would be easy- you only said I'll never go alone"

and from 2 Timothy 1:7
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

You can do this! Yes, it is a battle, no, in the end, we don't win the physical war- no one does <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> . But, we aren't to give up without a fight! And I believe that once you get back on your feet, mentally and physically, you will be able to see that life is a gift, and that God still has a purpose for you (you are still here, aren't you? <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ).

Start working on getting medical care, and start praying for direction in what He wants you to do, and I think you may be surprised at how your outlook will change! Just take it one step at a time, enlist some help (like the clinic social worker and your medical care, and a Christian counseler that your church can direct you to, or maybe even the social worker can help with that), and hang in there.

Please keep us updated to let us know how you are, and feel free to pm me anytime.

AnD · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

Opi, please take this in the spirit of Christian love that I am sending it- it sounds like you are tired and depressed. Which is understandable with what you have been through in the last year. Even without CF, that would be difficult to get through.

You can get better and feel better with the proper care, and you shouldn't give up before you have given it a chance. I don't know of anywhere that says we are to give up without a fight.

Have you looked at the routes for getting medical care that were given to you in the other threads? There are many people here who are willing to help you, but we can't make you do it, only offer help and resources and encourage you.

As Ginny Owens says in her song "(God) never said it would be easy- you only said I'll never go alone"

and from 2 Timothy 1:7
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

You can do this! Yes, it is a battle, no, in the end, we don't win the physical war- no one does <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> . But, we aren't to give up without a fight! And I believe that once you get back on your feet, mentally and physically, you will be able to see that life is a gift, and that God still has a purpose for you (you are still here, aren't you? <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ).

Start working on getting medical care, and start praying for direction in what He wants you to do, and I think you may be surprised at how your outlook will change! Just take it one step at a time, enlist some help (like the clinic social worker and your medical care, and a Christian counseler that your church can direct you to, or maybe even the social worker can help with that), and hang in there.

Please keep us updated to let us know how you are, and feel free to pm me anytime.

AnD · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

Opi, please take this in the spirit of Christian love that I am sending it- it sounds like you are tired and depressed. Which is understandable with what you have been through in the last year. Even without CF, that would be difficult to get through.
 
 You can get better and feel better with the proper care, and you shouldn't give up before you have given it a chance. I don't know of anywhere that says we are to give up without a fight.
 
 Have you looked at the routes for getting medical care that were given to you in the other threads? There are many people here who are willing to help you, but we can't make you do it, only offer help and resources and encourage you.
 
 
 As Ginny Owens says in her song "(God) never said it would be easy- you only said I'll never go alone"
 
 and from 2 Timothy 1:7
 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
 
 You can do this! Yes, it is a battle, no, in the end, we don't win the physical war- no one does <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> . But, we aren't to give up without a fight! And I believe that once you get back on your feet, mentally and physically, you will be able to see that life is a gift, and that God still has a purpose for you (you are still here, aren't you? <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ).
 
 Start working on getting medical care, and start praying for direction in what He wants you to do, and I think you may be surprised at how your outlook will change! Just take it one step at a time, enlist some help (like the clinic social worker and your medical care, and a Christian counseler that your church can direct you to, or maybe even the social worker can help with that), and hang in there.
 
 Please keep us updated to let us know how you are, and feel free to pm me anytime.

kswitch · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

the short, easy answer is yes, i have felt that way. i was very much like you some years ago. no medical insurance, denied for state assistance time and time again, and declining. without access to doctors, it was impossible to tell how fast this decline was, and without meds it was impossible to stop it.

i turned to street drugs. if for no other reason, to cope with the inevitable demise. these drugs fixed no ailments, perhaps created new ones, but with my new friends i felt stronger and was blissfully unaware to the condition my body was in.

my substance abuse, acute as it was, could easily be considered a slow kind of suicide. i even almost drown myself once. i had had enough, was ready to stop fighting; tired of the humility in gasping for air like a fish out of water.

what saved my life was luck, fate, a fortunate turn of events, whatever you want to call it. i was convicted of a drug related felony, which allowed me access to a county medical program and i now had limited access to drugs; the medical care was crap, the docs knew squat about cf, but it was a start.

even with that, i was declining. it wasn't until a new state program opened up that grandfathered me in on account of the county program that i actually was able to see a cf doc, and was put on iv meds for the first time in 8 years. i had plummeted to a mere 44% in my time away, and was only able to regain 75%.

so what's the moral of my story? well, i have none. but i have felt the same as you, and have been in a similar situation. it's hard for many to fathom what it's like to feel completely powerless against this disease. sure we all get set unavoidably sick; we go on iv's; we see ourselves gradually become able to do less and less; we watch those pft's recover, but never quite get back to where they once were. we all experience these things, but many do not know what it's like to know you're dying, and not be able to do anything about it. to know that you're country/state, even in the condition you;re in, even though your lungs are irreversibly failing, no one seems to care. it's painful, alone, and i am familiar.

by the way, where are you, and why don't you qualify for some kind of assistance? there are people on these boards who are very resourceful and will help you get some of the things you need. it's on you to put yourself out there, to seek it, but it there are those willing to help

kswitch · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

the short, easy answer is yes, i have felt that way. i was very much like you some years ago. no medical insurance, denied for state assistance time and time again, and declining. without access to doctors, it was impossible to tell how fast this decline was, and without meds it was impossible to stop it.

i turned to street drugs. if for no other reason, to cope with the inevitable demise. these drugs fixed no ailments, perhaps created new ones, but with my new friends i felt stronger and was blissfully unaware to the condition my body was in.

my substance abuse, acute as it was, could easily be considered a slow kind of suicide. i even almost drown myself once. i had had enough, was ready to stop fighting; tired of the humility in gasping for air like a fish out of water.

what saved my life was luck, fate, a fortunate turn of events, whatever you want to call it. i was convicted of a drug related felony, which allowed me access to a county medical program and i now had limited access to drugs; the medical care was crap, the docs knew squat about cf, but it was a start.

even with that, i was declining. it wasn't until a new state program opened up that grandfathered me in on account of the county program that i actually was able to see a cf doc, and was put on iv meds for the first time in 8 years. i had plummeted to a mere 44% in my time away, and was only able to regain 75%.

so what's the moral of my story? well, i have none. but i have felt the same as you, and have been in a similar situation. it's hard for many to fathom what it's like to feel completely powerless against this disease. sure we all get set unavoidably sick; we go on iv's; we see ourselves gradually become able to do less and less; we watch those pft's recover, but never quite get back to where they once were. we all experience these things, but many do not know what it's like to know you're dying, and not be able to do anything about it. to know that you're country/state, even in the condition you;re in, even though your lungs are irreversibly failing, no one seems to care. it's painful, alone, and i am familiar.

by the way, where are you, and why don't you qualify for some kind of assistance? there are people on these boards who are very resourceful and will help you get some of the things you need. it's on you to put yourself out there, to seek it, but it there are those willing to help

kswitch · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

the short, easy answer is yes, i have felt that way. i was very much like you some years ago. no medical insurance, denied for state assistance time and time again, and declining. without access to doctors, it was impossible to tell how fast this decline was, and without meds it was impossible to stop it.

i turned to street drugs. if for no other reason, to cope with the inevitable demise. these drugs fixed no ailments, perhaps created new ones, but with my new friends i felt stronger and was blissfully unaware to the condition my body was in.

my substance abuse, acute as it was, could easily be considered a slow kind of suicide. i even almost drown myself once. i had had enough, was ready to stop fighting; tired of the humility in gasping for air like a fish out of water.

what saved my life was luck, fate, a fortunate turn of events, whatever you want to call it. i was convicted of a drug related felony, which allowed me access to a county medical program and i now had limited access to drugs; the medical care was crap, the docs knew squat about cf, but it was a start.

even with that, i was declining. it wasn't until a new state program opened up that grandfathered me in on account of the county program that i actually was able to see a cf doc, and was put on iv meds for the first time in 8 years. i had plummeted to a mere 44% in my time away, and was only able to regain 75%.

so what's the moral of my story? well, i have none. but i have felt the same as you, and have been in a similar situation. it's hard for many to fathom what it's like to feel completely powerless against this disease. sure we all get set unavoidably sick; we go on iv's; we see ourselves gradually become able to do less and less; we watch those pft's recover, but never quite get back to where they once were. we all experience these things, but many do not know what it's like to know you're dying, and not be able to do anything about it. to know that you're country/state, even in the condition you;re in, even though your lungs are irreversibly failing, no one seems to care. it's painful, alone, and i am familiar.

by the way, where are you, and why don't you qualify for some kind of assistance? there are people on these boards who are very resourceful and will help you get some of the things you need. it's on you to put yourself out there, to seek it, but it there are those willing to help

kswitch · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

the short, easy answer is yes, i have felt that way. i was very much like you some years ago. no medical insurance, denied for state assistance time and time again, and declining. without access to doctors, it was impossible to tell how fast this decline was, and without meds it was impossible to stop it.

i turned to street drugs. if for no other reason, to cope with the inevitable demise. these drugs fixed no ailments, perhaps created new ones, but with my new friends i felt stronger and was blissfully unaware to the condition my body was in.

my substance abuse, acute as it was, could easily be considered a slow kind of suicide. i even almost drown myself once. i had had enough, was ready to stop fighting; tired of the humility in gasping for air like a fish out of water.

what saved my life was luck, fate, a fortunate turn of events, whatever you want to call it. i was convicted of a drug related felony, which allowed me access to a county medical program and i now had limited access to drugs; the medical care was crap, the docs knew squat about cf, but it was a start.

even with that, i was declining. it wasn't until a new state program opened up that grandfathered me in on account of the county program that i actually was able to see a cf doc, and was put on iv meds for the first time in 8 years. i had plummeted to a mere 44% in my time away, and was only able to regain 75%.

so what's the moral of my story? well, i have none. but i have felt the same as you, and have been in a similar situation. it's hard for many to fathom what it's like to feel completely powerless against this disease. sure we all get set unavoidably sick; we go on iv's; we see ourselves gradually become able to do less and less; we watch those pft's recover, but never quite get back to where they once were. we all experience these things, but many do not know what it's like to know you're dying, and not be able to do anything about it. to know that you're country/state, even in the condition you;re in, even though your lungs are irreversibly failing, no one seems to care. it's painful, alone, and i am familiar.

by the way, where are you, and why don't you qualify for some kind of assistance? there are people on these boards who are very resourceful and will help you get some of the things you need. it's on you to put yourself out there, to seek it, but it there are those willing to help

kswitch · Mar 17, 2008

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

the short, easy answer is yes, i have felt that way. i was very much like you some years ago. no medical insurance, denied for state assistance time and time again, and declining. without access to doctors, it was impossible to tell how fast this decline was, and without meds it was impossible to stop it.
 
 i turned to street drugs. if for no other reason, to cope with the inevitable demise. these drugs fixed no ailments, perhaps created new ones, but with my new friends i felt stronger and was blissfully unaware to the condition my body was in.
 
 my substance abuse, acute as it was, could easily be considered a slow kind of suicide. i even almost drown myself once. i had had enough, was ready to stop fighting; tired of the humility in gasping for air like a fish out of water.
 
 what saved my life was luck, fate, a fortunate turn of events, whatever you want to call it. i was convicted of a drug related felony, which allowed me access to a county medical program and i now had limited access to drugs; the medical care was crap, the docs knew squat about cf, but it was a start.
 
 even with that, i was declining. it wasn't until a new state program opened up that grandfathered me in on account of the county program that i actually was able to see a cf doc, and was put on iv meds for the first time in 8 years. i had plummeted to a mere 44% in my time away, and was only able to regain 75%.
 
 so what's the moral of my story? well, i have none. but i have felt the same as you, and have been in a similar situation. it's hard for many to fathom what it's like to feel completely powerless against this disease. sure we all get set unavoidably sick; we go on iv's; we see ourselves gradually become able to do less and less; we watch those pft's recover, but never quite get back to where they once were. we all experience these things, but many do not know what it's like to know you're dying, and not be able to do anything about it. to know that you're country/state, even in the condition you;re in, even though your lungs are irreversibly failing, no one seems to care. it's painful, alone, and i am familiar.
 
 by the way, where are you, and why don't you qualify for some kind of assistance? there are people on these boards who are very resourceful and will help you get some of the things you need. it's on you to put yourself out there, to seek it, but it there are those willing to help

I don't mean this to be negative at all I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way..

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