Is this tacky???

[julie]

So, I've seen some other websites where families have multiples and they have paypal donation boxes on their baby sites.

Mine is an informational website first, and then second serves as a success story about our journey and for family/friends to follow the pregnancy.

So my question is this, we are really really struggling financially and the babies aren't even here. I know I know, we did IVF, we should have expected this, we thought we were "safe" by transfering only 2 embryos (and to be honest, I had doubts the IVF would work because as many might recall, EVERYTHING was going wrong <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">)

To be honest, we could have afforded one baby. But with buying 3 cribs (even used ones) 3 carseats, 3 "seats" to serve as highchairs (even used), used baby clothes, blankets, enough bottles for 3 babies and a few other necessity items, it has set us back so so far financially, plus I had to have my stomach drained twice due to OHSS and we had to pay out of pocket for that, about $2500 we didn't expect.... Also, we needed a new car because our only car (a honda accord) won't fit 3 babies. We tried for hours. And we have to have 2 cars because I go back to work after 6 weeks (I'm lobbying for 8 though) and I can't see my DH loading up 3 babies to drive me 30 min. each way to work and then the same thing every PM. Especially with being in the Navy and having an ever changing schedule. And some weeks I work 5 days, 8-12 hours a day, other weeks I work 6 or 7 days, 8-12 hours a day.

We've cut out our cable, we've started shopping in bulk, we are using a food bank....

So, I'm not afraid to hear feedback that YES, it is tacky. But I thought I'd ask and get a general opinion. If someone would rather email me, that's fine too. That email address is division902@verizon.net

I was thinking of calling it a diaper fund or something, because that's really all we'd use it for. The major initial expense is going to be diapers, about 30 a day on average I'm told from other triplet moms. One newborn package of 30 diapers is about 15-17 so were looking at about $500 a month in just diapers. And we are on WIC so it will cover most of the formula (although I'm going to TRY and breastfeed, but will probably have to supplement with formula) but I imagine we will have to buy some. We are going to give cloth diapers a try for a month because it's about $150-175 cheaper than disposables, but that also means I have to buy diaper covers and I can just see it taking so much time to dunk and going through a lot more clothes (and therefore washes) because of leaks...

So please, feedback is welcome. Please let me know what you think... please. I won't be offended. Is it tacky to put there?

Thanks everyone!

 

[Allisa35]

Wow, $500 a month for diapers alone; I feel for you (LOL). I don't really think it is tacky. You can just put it on there and if they want to donate something, then that's fine. Maybe you could put a listing on your site of what was purchased with the money. That way people could see what is being purchased. Just an idea. I know you probably won't have much spare time to be typing out lists.

I'm probably the exception, but I never purchase or give money on-line with a credit card (too scared of identity theft). I know a lot of people now-a-days do use paypal. I would imagine you would probably have some good luck with it.

Do you guys have a Walmart where you are? We're a bit strapped right now due to with my husband quitting his part-time (2nd) job, but maybe we can send you a Walmart gift card. If you want to email me where to send it, I would be happy to do that (although it probably won't be much, but it's the thought that counts).

Hope it works out for you.

 

[kayleesgrandma]

Not tacky at all--I was wondering if you needed more help with finances, but hadn't asked you yet. Don't even try cloth diapers X3!!! Are you nuts! You'll be busy enough without extra work! I'm from the generation of cloth diapers, Pampers used me to test their "new" product in 1979. Believe me, you'll want to use disposables! Do you have a Sam's Club, probably if you have a Walmart. You can buy in bulk there. Maybe you can post a list of items you need, and we can respond. Don't feel bad, as if you created this problem for yourself. You guys have a miracle in your midst x3--when all you would've been happy with is one. God has a plan, and He especially wanted Mark to know the joy of having his arms full of children. As they say, God will make a way--and so will those of us who can are at the site...

 

[welshgirl]

i had been thinking of asking you if you had thought about "going public" it would be a double sided human interest story , triplets and cf, i'm sure a local paper would be interested in your story. you might then get donations from the larger baby stores . what do you think, julie?<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif" border="0">

 

[becca23]

I was just going to give you a suggestion on daipers SAMS CLUB. That is where I buy mine, their brand, size 4 (156) diapers is $19.96 CHEAP!!! I do not think it would be tacky to ask for help.

 

[DietRootBeer]

Julie,

Who cares about tacky at this point...really. If you need help then ask...people should not judge you or anybody else for that matter. We are here on this earth to help each other and good for you to say you need it.

As for cloth diapers I used them for about 6-8 months. I recently gave them away (darn it!) or I would have sent them to you. The initial cost was about say ...200$ canadian? For the whole kit. We has a plastic type garbage bin that was filled with water and this solution they give you. Every change you just drop it in the bucket and when it becomes full you throw it in the washer machine water and all and give it a spin. Then you wash and dry. I hung them on the line to save $$. Oh Julie, I was Soooooo poor when my sons were young. It IS NORMAL!! and most are or going through what you are. When you are young your salaries are low and living costs are high with kids. Most people do not talk about it but most parents have been there. Oh!!! as for leaks they really never leaked...we bought good quality ones but we also put a disposable one on the kids for sleeping. They are a bit bulky but GREAT for the environment and the budget. I am going to see if I can track down the girl I gave them too. Maybe she if done with them?? I had ALOT and it probably would cover even triplets! She may have moved out of the country even...I will see and get back to you.

As for your main question on tackiness...do what you need to do for your family. What goes around comes around so one day when you have extra be generous.My opinion only<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">)))))

31 yr old Mummy -Nursing Student<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">) 2 boys-1w/cf+1w/o cf

 

[MOME2RT]

Who cares what people think.....if they are gonna help. It doesnt hurt to try! I agree with "going public" (news people) this would be a great story!!!!

 

[Shoshanna]

Julie,<br>
<br>
I wish I had known this sooner. We have a 9 month-old baby boy and
I had a lot of his clothes, unused bags of diapers etc available
and just gave them away.<br>
<br>
If you haven't bought all three car seats yet I have a Graco
(top of the line and for preemies) and it has a "snap and
go" carriage that goes with it. It's black and white/suitable
for both a boy or a girl. I have tons of receiving blankets (barely
ever used), a beautiful mobil...we went all out because our son
will be our only child. I'd love to offer you whatever we no longer
use. You just may have to help me out w/shipping costs and
obviously if the shipping is extremely high it might make more
sense just to buy it yourself, but still....let me know.<br>

 

[Shoshanna]

Julie,<br>
<br>
One more thing: I know you have your own web site with pictures of
the ultrasounds etc. It's great! However, when the babies are born
you may want to consider securing the site so that people can only
get in with a password that you email them directly. We have a web
site with our son that is set up that way because there are so many
freaks out there on-line and let's face it, unfortunately, some
mentally ill people want to steal babies etc. We don't want our
baby's web site to have open access to just anyone.<br>
<br>
Sorry if I sound dramatic and don't want to make a big deal, but I
just don't trust the Internet.

 

[wallflower]

No, I don't think it's tacky. In fact - do you live in a smaller town? Once the babies are born, you can have Mark alert the paper and maybe they would do a story on you. For some reason, people find 3+ amazing, you could get a lot of support from your community willing to donate items or unused baby stuff.

 

[NoExcuses]

I'm voting tacky.

And here's why. You all opted to have kids when your husband doesn't have a job. And you knew that multiples was possible with IVF.

Now I'm not saying what you did was WRONG. Because I think kids are wonderful yadi yadi.

BUT I do think it's pretty irresponsible and tacky to get pregnant in you financial situation and then ask for money from others.

And to all of you who will spit fire at me - SHE ASKED.

 

[Allie]

I PMed you, but i am here so amy will know she is not alone in thinking it's tacky, because going out on a limb is difficult on this site. I think many people who visit the site are CFers looking to do IVF, so obviously they don't have much money either, so I think it's in poor taste to ask. My 2 cents.

 

[lovingBenandCambree]

I do have to say that I am with amy on this one. I understand the difficulties and teh expense that comes with children but I still think it is a bit tacky. I just want to add, that you (Julie) probably think it is as well to even be asking the question.

 

[wallflower]

I don't think there's any such thing as being financially secure enough to have kids. Mark could've had an amazing job and then been laid off.

It's a no brainer that kids are expensive, and I find it hard to believe that anyone would go through that kind of procedure and not have thought out the pro and cons.

Besides, what done is done. A mother is not entitled to pride or shame when trying to provide for her children.

 

[stressed]

Julie, you do what you need to do for those babies to have what they need, I know if I had to I would beg on the corner to provide for my kids. This makes me think of what my mother use to say "if you wait untill you can afford kids you'll never have them".

 

[CFHockeyMom]

Hi Julie,

Well, yes, I think it is a little tacky and as a few have mentioned you did know what you were getting yourself into. Of course, anyone that's ever engaged in sex has known the risks so why should you be treated any differently. You have three little miracles on the way and now is not the time to worry about what is tacky or not. If you don't ask for help, you won't get it, so ask away. What's the worst that can happen?

We've all needed help at one time or another whether the need resulted from decisions we made or circumstances beyond our control.

My girlfriend has trips and she needed loads of help when the babies were born. She made a promise to pay it forward and she's done just that including helping me out a ton this past year when Sean was in the hospital. It's all about karma; what goes around comes around!

You've already helped a lot of people here, why not get a little something back?

If you're worried about asking for cash, why not post a list of things you need or even a request for gift cards (Wal-mart, Target, etc). Sometimes people aren't as "put-off" if they can contribute something "tangible". Just a thought.

 

[LindseyRose]

Here's an idea that might help a little with the diaper thing...This is what our circle of friends do when one has a baby-

The mom gets a baby shower. No guy wants to go to a baby shower with silly games and squeels and giggles all over the place. We ladies love it, but the guys don't.

So on the same day that mom has her baby shower, the guys throw dad a Diaper Party at a location other than where the shower is. They hang out, barbeque, and drink beer. They don't bring gifts - but instead bring a pack or two of diapers. It doesn't matter what size because all sizes will eventually be used.

 

[Scarlett81]

I don't really think it's tacky. I some situations it would definately be tacky. But you have special circumstances and this situation is "Baby Story" worthy. I like the idea about going "public' with this pregnancy. You are a couple in need and are serving the country and deal with cf. That's a big story.

I don't see what the difference is between this and gift cards? So, maybe if you still feel unsure about it, ask for gift cards to you local Walmart, grocers, BJ's, Costco, whatever. That way you get what you need. (Not stupid porcelain figurines!)

I felt very insecure about registering when I was engaged to be married, and everyone told me how much they loved us and wanted to 'shower' us! Its true of you both too!

 

[julie]

Thanks to everyone for the opinions and the honesty. I actually thought it might be leaning towards the tacky side, but Mark and I talked and his opinion was, "well put it there and if people want to donate they can. If they don't want to or can't, they won't". I think he makes a good point and if I had money to donate to these other multiple families (or giftcards or whatever the need be) I would in a heartbeat. And the bottom line of what I'm slowly learning in life is that if you need help and you never ask for it, you'll NEVER get it. But if you ask, the worst that can happen is somone says no, the best is that you get some assistance, even if it's just a tiny bit... it helps.

So yes, for those of you who have asked or are wondering, we do need help. I can also understand people being put off by being asked for a monetary donation, I might be more inclined to get someone a gift card than give them money the more I think about it. Our main concerns for expenses when the babies arrive (and the first one right now) is #1. Food, Mark eats a lot, for those of you who have seen the "food deduction log" spreadsheet that I've shared for tax deductions, you can see a lot of money is spent on food each month. It keeps him healthy so it's not an option to cut back. and #2. Diapers/wipes/formula for the babies when they arrive. There've been some questions and PM's as to where we shop for those items,

We shop at safeway (it's the only store within about 25 miles of our house right now) for groceries (also known as Vons, pavillions, genuardis, dominicks, randalls and Carrs).

We will be shoping at costo for diapers, but until they open in late November we have a Walmart and a Target that are both about 20-25 miles from our house.

We have a costco going in down the street that is to open in late November and we are buying a costco card for sure!!! So it will just be a few months of the expensive grocery diapers, and our local walmart is about 20 miles away but we've already talked about buying a few large boxes from there so we only make trips every few weeks since it is a drive.

I agree with people, Mark and I choose to go ahead with the IVF. We did encounter a number of things financially we didn't plan for though, including an embryo splitting, and not that it's an excuse of any sort, but that's how we ended up where we are now financially. Never expected to need a new car to fit 3 carseats, or 3 carseats or 3 cribs.... So I know we "brought this on ourselves", and that's why I feel iffy about asking for the help, but at the same time, I don't know how we are going to put food on the table and diapers on our kids if we dont' get some. Also, neither of us wanted to wait too long and have the opportunity pass us by (medically). We both wanted Mark to be young and healthy enough to enjoy his child/children. And he was suppose to work for his brother when he finished his last class (next month) but that fell through and is no longer an option and Mark's been job hunting for a long long time now... not too much luck in seattle though. A lot on the East coast but I can't see us moving with 3 babies and our families being here.

Thankfully a number of people, and a few from this site!!! Have sent their baby clothes to us. This has helped immensley and Mark and I are so grateful. We have a good amount of baby clothes up until about 6-9 month size, mostly we have a lot of boy clothes and some girl clothes, but some is so much better than none. We haven't even invested money in baby clothes so that hand me down stuff has been a life saver for us!! (Thank you!!)

Janet, a number of people have also suggested going public and I'm torn about it. Sure, it would bring publicity for CF and for CF involving male infertility... I'm all for that! But Mark's privacy would be on the line here and he's a very private guy, very private. And also very embarassed (still don't UNDERSTAND why though) that he couldn't produce children naturally. So I think going public with the whole story is out of the question.

Shoshanna, thanks so much for the offer of the baby stuff. At this point we just got our graco carseats yesterday (the only new item we bought <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">), and we have lots of recieving blankets (hand me downs from some on this site and some of my moms friends at work) so that's handeled too. Our biggest concern at this time is #1. putting food on the table (mainly for Mark because he eats us out of house and home) and #2. diapering our kids. I think formula will be taken care of for the most part by WIC and I"m going to try and breastfeed too, and I think we have all the necessities for the babies at this time. You are so very kind to offer those things to me and if we stillneeded them, I would take you up on the offer in a heartbeat!! Also, mark and I are considering a more "private" website of the babies because of the reasons you mentioned. I don't mind putting a birth picture on the main website, but then I'd like more control of the subseqent pictures and as they grow up!

LindseyRose, I think the diaper shower is a great idea. But nobody is throwing us a shower so unfortunately, it's not really an option. Mark doesn't work or anything so he's got no coworkers to do someting like this with, and all his Highschool friends have moved away or are deployed. And for me, I was only at work for abou 3 maybe 4 weeks before I was put on "modified bedrest" so nobody at work knows me and therefore there will be no baby shower. My mom and grandma have bought a few things (the bedding, the mobile, baby bathtub, swing...) and Mark's grandmother has bought some stuff (bouncy chairs, some thicker winter blankets, changing pads...) and 2 of my Highschool girlfriends who are still here adn I'm in touch with have bought us some clothes and 2 packs of diapers, but other than that.... no shower. The local church we go to has about 30 members, and they talked at one time about throwing a shower, but I can imagine it would put many of them in a tough spot because 99% of the church is retirees on fixed incomes... SO we're just trying to feel for what our other options might be.

Thanks to everyone for the replies, whether you thought it was tack or not, I really appreciate the honesty and you taking the time. Still haven't made up my mind but I'm thinking a lot today.... THanks again!

 

[EnergyGal]

I say when you really need help you ask and it does not matter who chooses to judge you. You are a survivor Julie that is for sure and that is something to be proud of. I think it is very polite to ask for opinions and it is good way to let others know you need help in a very kind way.

If you do choose to call the media I would tell them about your website and how you help the community online *before during and after your pregnancy* and this is all because of your husbands CF. You want to spread awareness about CF (the focus is not on the babies but how you got the babies) and IVF. Mark is realitively a healthy man with CF but now he is going to have to manage taking care of you and the babies.

If you sell your story the right way there are no limits on how far you can take this.

Mentioning the need for assistance from the community should be secondary in the conversation. I would first reel them in on the CF/IVF and "watch out we are having Triplets"