thank you so much. that was an AMAZING message. i already sort of wanted to shoot my best friend in the head two hours ago after she whined about her fiance's choices for baby names as if it were the end of the world. did i mention they're not even planning for children yet? of course, she also doesn't know yet, and it isn't her fault. everyone gets their own reality, right? one person may feel silly telling another person about their breakup when the other person's spouse has died tragically. but that doesn't mean that the other person isn't feeling equally devastated - we all have our own devastation, reality, life, and sad story.
i think i am taking this especially horribly because i am currently recovering from pretty severe panic disorder stemming from a fear of death. the thing that terrifies me most is that i'm not particularly religious or convinced of an afterlife, and i desperately want to be. i almost think that maybe this is some sort of perfectly poetic thing - that this man who i've imagined marrying (and i'm not even THAT type) has brought me a daily reminder of my biggest fear. and yeah. it is selfish. but again - it's my reality.
i want a cure. and in my head, i am wondering why everyone isn't trying harder. but i know that isn't true. people are desperate for a cure. everybody wants what i want, and i'm not even sick. i try to convince myself that i will be able to somehow help in finding one, but i also realize that most people probably feel that way. powerless. blah blah. all of the obvious dictionary words.
currently, i have a pretty bad lung infection, and i started smoking again three hours ago. i have been smoking by myself all night, because some sick part of me wants to feel how he does. also, i am still in a bit of shock. and i want to comfort him, but i won't be near him because i am contagious. he wants so desperately to act normal, but i can't make him sick. i have to be responsible.
to answer your last question - he doesn't have acne or oily skin. he has been amazingly lucky in every sense. was diagnosed with FTT and ended up growing into a 6'4 dark-irishman. he looks like the strongest, most healthy person alive.
i think i am taking this especially horribly because i am currently recovering from pretty severe panic disorder stemming from a fear of death. the thing that terrifies me most is that i'm not particularly religious or convinced of an afterlife, and i desperately want to be. i almost think that maybe this is some sort of perfectly poetic thing - that this man who i've imagined marrying (and i'm not even THAT type) has brought me a daily reminder of my biggest fear. and yeah. it is selfish. but again - it's my reality.
i want a cure. and in my head, i am wondering why everyone isn't trying harder. but i know that isn't true. people are desperate for a cure. everybody wants what i want, and i'm not even sick. i try to convince myself that i will be able to somehow help in finding one, but i also realize that most people probably feel that way. powerless. blah blah. all of the obvious dictionary words.
currently, i have a pretty bad lung infection, and i started smoking again three hours ago. i have been smoking by myself all night, because some sick part of me wants to feel how he does. also, i am still in a bit of shock. and i want to comfort him, but i won't be near him because i am contagious. he wants so desperately to act normal, but i can't make him sick. i have to be responsible.
to answer your last question - he doesn't have acne or oily skin. he has been amazingly lucky in every sense. was diagnosed with FTT and ended up growing into a 6'4 dark-irishman. he looks like the strongest, most healthy person alive.