Making the difficult decision not to have children

[sunshine5637]

Hi, Mary.
<br />
<br />I wanted you to know you are not alone...and if you dig through the forum under the "Pregnancy" part, you'll find my post about having children.
<br />
<br />I have all the same thoughts as you...and every time I become "okay" with the possibility of not having children eventually, a friend of mine pops up pregnant and then I have to go through all those emotions again.
<br />
<br />But I'll tell you this: I met a lady some time ago who was in her 50s and had never had children, she just didn't want any. She was telling me how wonderful her life had been and how she had been able to enjoy her life without having to worry with children. When she wanted to babysit a weekend, she called up her friends/siblings and offered to babysit. I know that God sent her my way that day...and that made me feel so much better. I still want the whole pregnancy thing, but sometimes I remember that lady and think maybe it's okay.
<br />
<br />More than anything, I think, is the uncertainty.
<br />
<br />Feel free to PM me anytime. Also, I'm on Facebook.
<br />
<br />Later!
<br />Melissa<img src="i/expressions/hugging.gif" border="0">

 

[Jeana]

First of all, sometimes God has some surprises in store for us. That being said, it is difficult to keep up with kids. I get so out of breath carrying my baby around. As for my older son (he's 5), sometimes I want to just rest and when he needs to be disciplined (time out, etc.), I just don't always have the energy to be consistent. I let his behavior slide sometimes because of how I feel.

On the other hand, Chris is such a help and blessing. He is very independent (maybe out of necessity, since I was so sick when pregnant with Alex). Besides dressing and feeding himself at times, he takes out the trash, helps carry in groceries, helps clean up the baby's messes, vacuums, loads dishes in the dishwasher... Maybe not exactly what a 5-year-old would normally be expected to do, but he always does so willingly and with pride to be helping mama.

Anyway, an adopted child can be such a blessing. My prayers go out to you that God will place a child in your life.

 

[Jeana]

First of all, sometimes God has some surprises in store for us. That being said, it is difficult to keep up with kids. I get so out of breath carrying my baby around. As for my older son (he's 5), sometimes I want to just rest and when he needs to be disciplined (time out, etc.), I just don't always have the energy to be consistent. I let his behavior slide sometimes because of how I feel.

On the other hand, Chris is such a help and blessing. He is very independent (maybe out of necessity, since I was so sick when pregnant with Alex). Besides dressing and feeding himself at times, he takes out the trash, helps carry in groceries, helps clean up the baby's messes, vacuums, loads dishes in the dishwasher... Maybe not exactly what a 5-year-old would normally be expected to do, but he always does so willingly and with pride to be helping mama.

Anyway, an adopted child can be such a blessing. My prayers go out to you that God will place a child in your life.

 

[Jeana]

First of all, sometimes God has some surprises in store for us. That being said, it is difficult to keep up with kids. I get so out of breath carrying my baby around. As for my older son (he's 5), sometimes I want to just rest and when he needs to be disciplined (time out, etc.), I just don't always have the energy to be consistent. I let his behavior slide sometimes because of how I feel.
<br />
<br />On the other hand, Chris is such a help and blessing. He is very independent (maybe out of necessity, since I was so sick when pregnant with Alex). Besides dressing and feeding himself at times, he takes out the trash, helps carry in groceries, helps clean up the baby's messes, vacuums, loads dishes in the dishwasher... Maybe not exactly what a 5-year-old would normally be expected to do, but he always does so willingly and with pride to be helping mama.
<br />
<br />Anyway, an adopted child can be such a blessing. My prayers go out to you that God will place a child in your life.

 

[musclemania70]

Try to stay posititve! First, there are the possibilities that your health could improve, so don't give up.
However, if it doesn't--you've got to find your happiness in other things.
I ALWAYS thought I was going to be a mom...from the time that I got my first babydoll. That's all I ever wanted and when I graduated from college, I still thought I'd be a mom.

Circumstances changed things and I had relationship issues going on at the same time while my health was declining. 5 years later, I am in no shape to carry a baby BUT I have a new relationship and the most amazing husband in the world. And he is not even enthusiastic about having kids anyway. I am thankful to be with someone who is so supportive and caring.

Now, when I look around at people who have kids, like my sister, I am SO THANKFUL I don't have any. They take all YOUR precious time, energy and MONEY. And for me, I see it as though this disease has taken away a lot of this already, I'm not willing to let someone else do that. Anyway, I could write a whole book on the benefits of not having children but I don't think it would be too popular <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
And I'm not saying that having kids is bad---I'm saying you have to look at your circumstances and realize that NOT having kids could be a blessing.

Fostering is AMAZING TOO. There are kids with hopeless situations that need someone to love them. And what you could give them is FAR BETTER than what they are getting now.

 

[musclemania70]

Try to stay posititve! First, there are the possibilities that your health could improve, so don't give up.
However, if it doesn't--you've got to find your happiness in other things.
I ALWAYS thought I was going to be a mom...from the time that I got my first babydoll. That's all I ever wanted and when I graduated from college, I still thought I'd be a mom.

Circumstances changed things and I had relationship issues going on at the same time while my health was declining. 5 years later, I am in no shape to carry a baby BUT I have a new relationship and the most amazing husband in the world. And he is not even enthusiastic about having kids anyway. I am thankful to be with someone who is so supportive and caring.

Now, when I look around at people who have kids, like my sister, I am SO THANKFUL I don't have any. They take all YOUR precious time, energy and MONEY. And for me, I see it as though this disease has taken away a lot of this already, I'm not willing to let someone else do that. Anyway, I could write a whole book on the benefits of not having children but I don't think it would be too popular <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
And I'm not saying that having kids is bad---I'm saying you have to look at your circumstances and realize that NOT having kids could be a blessing.

Fostering is AMAZING TOO. There are kids with hopeless situations that need someone to love them. And what you could give them is FAR BETTER than what they are getting now.

 

[musclemania70]

Try to stay posititve! First, there are the possibilities that your health could improve, so don't give up.
<br />However, if it doesn't--you've got to find your happiness in other things.
<br />I ALWAYS thought I was going to be a mom...from the time that I got my first babydoll. That's all I ever wanted and when I graduated from college, I still thought I'd be a mom.
<br />
<br />Circumstances changed things and I had relationship issues going on at the same time while my health was declining. 5 years later, I am in no shape to carry a baby BUT I have a new relationship and the most amazing husband in the world. And he is not even enthusiastic about having kids anyway. I am thankful to be with someone who is so supportive and caring.
<br />
<br />Now, when I look around at people who have kids, like my sister, I am SO THANKFUL I don't have any. They take all YOUR precious time, energy and MONEY. And for me, I see it as though this disease has taken away a lot of this already, I'm not willing to let someone else do that. Anyway, I could write a whole book on the benefits of not having children but I don't think it would be too popular <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
<br />And I'm not saying that having kids is bad---I'm saying you have to look at your circumstances and realize that NOT having kids could be a blessing.
<br />
<br />Fostering is AMAZING TOO. There are kids with hopeless situations that need someone to love them. And what you could give them is FAR BETTER than what they are getting now.

 

[mamaScarlett]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>musclemania70</b></i>


There are kids with hopeless situations that need someone to love them. And what you could give them is FAR BETTER than what they are getting now.</end quote></div>


PLEASE don't take this the wrong way-I appreciated your post on the benefits of not having children actually, even though I am a parent. There are blessings that being childless offers. I have many friends that are childless by choice and are happy people with full lives.
But as a person that was fostered and adopted as a child, I have to make the point -not to you necessarily- but the point in general that fostering and adopting require as much commitment as having a baby. A child that is adopted does not deserve anymore to go through the trauma of losing their adoptive parent (especially after all they've likely been through) than a child that is biologically born to a parent.
Just making the point that adopting requires as much intense consideration as pregnancy.
Some may be not healthy enough to sustain a pregnancy, but are healthy enough for the life long routine of being a mother. In that case, adoption is a wonderful option for both the parents and the child.
For me, its always been a dream of mine to be a mother through pregnancy and adoption. Probably bc I was adopted myself and want to pass on what I've learned to biological and adopted children.

 

[mamaScarlett]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>musclemania70</b></i>


There are kids with hopeless situations that need someone to love them. And what you could give them is FAR BETTER than what they are getting now.</end quote>


PLEASE don't take this the wrong way-I appreciated your post on the benefits of not having children actually, even though I am a parent. There are blessings that being childless offers. I have many friends that are childless by choice and are happy people with full lives.
But as a person that was fostered and adopted as a child, I have to make the point -not to you necessarily- but the point in general that fostering and adopting require as much commitment as having a baby. A child that is adopted does not deserve anymore to go through the trauma of losing their adoptive parent (especially after all they've likely been through) than a child that is biologically born to a parent.
Just making the point that adopting requires as much intense consideration as pregnancy.
Some may be not healthy enough to sustain a pregnancy, but are healthy enough for the life long routine of being a mother. In that case, adoption is a wonderful option for both the parents and the child.
For me, its always been a dream of mine to be a mother through pregnancy and adoption. Probably bc I was adopted myself and want to pass on what I've learned to biological and adopted children.

 

[mamaScarlett]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>musclemania70</b></i>
<br />
<br />
<br /> There are kids with hopeless situations that need someone to love them. And what you could give them is FAR BETTER than what they are getting now.</end quote>
<br />
<br />
<br />PLEASE don't take this the wrong way-I appreciated your post on the benefits of not having children actually, even though I am a parent. There are blessings that being childless offers. I have many friends that are childless by choice and are happy people with full lives.
<br />But as a person that was fostered and adopted as a child, I have to make the point -not to you necessarily- but the point in general that fostering and adopting require as much commitment as having a baby. A child that is adopted does not deserve anymore to go through the trauma of losing their adoptive parent (especially after all they've likely been through) than a child that is biologically born to a parent.
<br />Just making the point that adopting requires as much intense consideration as pregnancy.
<br />Some may be not healthy enough to sustain a pregnancy, but are healthy enough for the life long routine of being a mother. In that case, adoption is a wonderful option for both the parents and the child.
<br />For me, its always been a dream of mine to be a mother through pregnancy and adoption. Probably bc I was adopted myself and want to pass on what I've learned to biological and adopted children.

 

[musclemania70]

I never said that fostering was less challenging than having biological children.

I said that if they fostered, as a result of not being able to have their own, it is an AMAZING GIFT they could give a child.

I never compared it or trivialized it to having your own children. That is your incorrect interpretation.

 

[musclemania70]

I never said that fostering was less challenging than having biological children.

I said that if they fostered, as a result of not being able to have their own, it is an AMAZING GIFT they could give a child.

I never compared it or trivialized it to having your own children. That is your incorrect interpretation.

 

[musclemania70]

I never said that fostering was less challenging than having biological children.
<br />
<br />I said that if they fostered, as a result of not being able to have their own, it is an AMAZING GIFT they could give a child.
<br />
<br />I never compared it or trivialized it to having your own children. That is your incorrect interpretation.

 

[zoe4life]

All of your points are excellent. And I also, applaud you for not jumping right in without giving it much thought.
I do not have cf, I have children, so you may not consider what I have to say important. But, I did have a bestfriend with cf. I will tell you what she told me. She wouldn't change having her child for anything in the world. But, she wished she had thought about how hard it was going to be on the child when she was going through hospitalizations every few months, and finally end stage cf.

 

[zoe4life]

All of your points are excellent. And I also, applaud you for not jumping right in without giving it much thought.
I do not have cf, I have children, so you may not consider what I have to say important. But, I did have a bestfriend with cf. I will tell you what she told me. She wouldn't change having her child for anything in the world. But, she wished she had thought about how hard it was going to be on the child when she was going through hospitalizations every few months, and finally end stage cf.

 

[zoe4life]

All of your points are excellent. And I also, applaud you for not jumping right in without giving it much thought.
<br />I do not have cf, I have children, so you may not consider what I have to say important. But, I did have a bestfriend with cf. I will tell you what she told me. She wouldn't change having her child for anything in the world. But, she wished she had thought about how hard it was going to be on the child when she was going through hospitalizations every few months, and finally end stage cf.

 

[mamaScarlett]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>christian</b></i>

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>musclemania70</b></i>



But as a person that was fostered and adopted as a child, I have to make the point -not to you necessarily- but the point in general </end quote></div>

Again, I wasn't making the point to you-I was making a point that I feel strongly about. The ONLY reason I brought it up was because adoption got brought into the discussion and it reminded me that its a point I wanted to make.
Its no reflection or attack on you or your thoughts. Yes, you're right, you never trivialized it or said it was less challenging.
I remember when I decided to have my first child, some people said to me "why? just adopt." "JUST" adopt? There's no 'just'! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> I know that better than anyone because my mom really wanted to adopt me, and we have a wonderful relationship. But my father was not committed to the decision but went through with it anyway. So I was just mentioning some things to consider from the perspective of an adopted individual.
One of the most beautiful things about the relationship between a mom and child thats adopted is the choice that is made to love, and to give. And the fact that that love is so naturally there. My mother didn't view it as though she was giving me a gift. She viewed me as the gift to her. I hope to experience that one day myself.
Again, no offense intended. And I didn't mean to hijack anyone's thread! Just continuing the conversation on this difficult decision.

 

[mamaScarlett]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>christian</b></i>

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>musclemania70</b></i>



But as a person that was fostered and adopted as a child, I have to make the point -not to you necessarily- but the point in general </end quote>

Again, I wasn't making the point to you-I was making a point that I feel strongly about. The ONLY reason I brought it up was because adoption got brought into the discussion and it reminded me that its a point I wanted to make.
Its no reflection or attack on you or your thoughts. Yes, you're right, you never trivialized it or said it was less challenging.
I remember when I decided to have my first child, some people said to me "why? just adopt." "JUST" adopt? There's no 'just'! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> I know that better than anyone because my mom really wanted to adopt me, and we have a wonderful relationship. But my father was not committed to the decision but went through with it anyway. So I was just mentioning some things to consider from the perspective of an adopted individual.
One of the most beautiful things about the relationship between a mom and child thats adopted is the choice that is made to love, and to give. And the fact that that love is so naturally there. My mother didn't view it as though she was giving me a gift. She viewed me as the gift to her. I hope to experience that one day myself.
Again, no offense intended. And I didn't mean to hijack anyone's thread! Just continuing the conversation on this difficult decision.

 

[mamaScarlett]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>christian</b></i>
<br />
<br /><div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>musclemania70</b></i>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />But as a person that was fostered and adopted as a child, I have to make the point -not to you necessarily- but the point in general </end quote>
<br />
<br />Again, I wasn't making the point to you-I was making a point that I feel strongly about. The ONLY reason I brought it up was because adoption got brought into the discussion and it reminded me that its a point I wanted to make.
<br />Its no reflection or attack on you or your thoughts. Yes, you're right, you never trivialized it or said it was less challenging.
<br />I remember when I decided to have my first child, some people said to me "why? just adopt." "JUST" adopt? There's no 'just'! <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> I know that better than anyone because my mom really wanted to adopt me, and we have a wonderful relationship. But my father was not committed to the decision but went through with it anyway. So I was just mentioning some things to consider from the perspective of an adopted individual.
<br />One of the most beautiful things about the relationship between a mom and child thats adopted is the choice that is made to love, and to give. And the fact that that love is so naturally there. My mother didn't view it as though she was giving me a gift. She viewed me as the gift to her. I hope to experience that one day myself.
<br />Again, no offense intended. And I didn't mean to hijack anyone's thread! Just continuing the conversation on this difficult decision.

 

[Proxy]

Hello
When I read your post you touched on alot of things I am feelings right now.I am 22 yo and my baseline is around 50% but lately I have been ill all the time and I keep declining.Ive always been a mother hen and wanted children but as I get older and I keep declining its becoming apparent having children is not something I could ever do.It was hard dealing with this but has become even harder now that my high school friends are now becoming parents, ive become jelous and when I hear them bragging about being pregnant and how happy they are I find myself not wanting to even be around them.I dont want to become a bitter person and I am happy for them,Its just hard sometimes,I have dogs that help fill the void and I try to focus on the positive aspects of not having kids but it is still difficult.
Your not alone in this