Marriage and Cf

[my65roses4me]

I was reading a post in the families section that got me thinking. It was from a mom of a cfer that is having marrital probs.
I was just wondering how your marriages are and how cf affects it.
I have been married for almost 9 years and we have been together for 14 years. We are highschool sweethearts. He is the light in my life and I love him more than anything.
We have had our ups and downs due my cf. We have worked through all of them and have never let it go to the point of seperation. Luckily my husband has very good communication skills unlike me. I have a hard time putting my feelings into words.
I think the key to any good marriage is good communication skills and being completely honest about your feelings. But when you put a disease into the mix it makes those important things that much more important.
I wanted to start a thread to see how your marriage deals with this disease, whether its you or your spouse that have cf, or your child(ren).
Thanks ahead of time for sharing your thoughts.

 

[my65roses4me]

I was reading a post in the families section that got me thinking. It was from a mom of a cfer that is having marrital probs.
I was just wondering how your marriages are and how cf affects it.
I have been married for almost 9 years and we have been together for 14 years. We are highschool sweethearts. He is the light in my life and I love him more than anything.
We have had our ups and downs due my cf. We have worked through all of them and have never let it go to the point of seperation. Luckily my husband has very good communication skills unlike me. I have a hard time putting my feelings into words.
I think the key to any good marriage is good communication skills and being completely honest about your feelings. But when you put a disease into the mix it makes those important things that much more important.
I wanted to start a thread to see how your marriage deals with this disease, whether its you or your spouse that have cf, or your child(ren).
Thanks ahead of time for sharing your thoughts.

 

[my65roses4me]

I was reading a post in the families section that got me thinking. It was from a mom of a cfer that is having marrital probs.
I was just wondering how your marriages are and how cf affects it.
I have been married for almost 9 years and we have been together for 14 years. We are highschool sweethearts. He is the light in my life and I love him more than anything.
We have had our ups and downs due my cf. We have worked through all of them and have never let it go to the point of seperation. Luckily my husband has very good communication skills unlike me. I have a hard time putting my feelings into words.
I think the key to any good marriage is good communication skills and being completely honest about your feelings. But when you put a disease into the mix it makes those important things that much more important.
I wanted to start a thread to see how your marriage deals with this disease, whether its you or your spouse that have cf, or your child(ren).
Thanks ahead of time for sharing your thoughts.

 

[Allie]

My husband and I had an excellent marriage by any standards, I think. We dealt with our problems well, loved each other dearly, and never let CF come in between us as a couple, no matter what it tried to do. Our rabbi gave us a sound piece of advice when we married "You, put her happiness first, you, put his happiness first." That advice, to put each other first, gave us the proper perspective on things, and helps us avoid the selfishness that permeates the culture.

Honesty is one of the things that also made our marriage work. We trusted each other in all things, and so we could share our fears, desires, etc. I found great security in that.

And, of course, we truly loved each other. This is what made all the other sacrifices for each other worthwhile, is the love we truly shared. A story without love is not worth telling.

 

[Allie]

My husband and I had an excellent marriage by any standards, I think. We dealt with our problems well, loved each other dearly, and never let CF come in between us as a couple, no matter what it tried to do. Our rabbi gave us a sound piece of advice when we married "You, put her happiness first, you, put his happiness first." That advice, to put each other first, gave us the proper perspective on things, and helps us avoid the selfishness that permeates the culture.

Honesty is one of the things that also made our marriage work. We trusted each other in all things, and so we could share our fears, desires, etc. I found great security in that.

And, of course, we truly loved each other. This is what made all the other sacrifices for each other worthwhile, is the love we truly shared. A story without love is not worth telling.

 

[Allie]

My husband and I had an excellent marriage by any standards, I think. We dealt with our problems well, loved each other dearly, and never let CF come in between us as a couple, no matter what it tried to do. Our rabbi gave us a sound piece of advice when we married "You, put her happiness first, you, put his happiness first." That advice, to put each other first, gave us the proper perspective on things, and helps us avoid the selfishness that permeates the culture.

Honesty is one of the things that also made our marriage work. We trusted each other in all things, and so we could share our fears, desires, etc. I found great security in that.

And, of course, we truly loved each other. This is what made all the other sacrifices for each other worthwhile, is the love we truly shared. A story without love is not worth telling.

 

[LisaV]

My husband and I had a good marriage. I think that's because we made an explicit contract to put our energy into being spouses to one another rather than falling into the mother/caregiver - child/patient roles. As part of that we tried to have me do as little illness care as possible. He managed his own illness and did not have me to DPT or IVs (that took some doing given social policy and the insurance companies). Of course I tried to be there to be supportive and loving to him, but (more surprisingly to our friends) he was a constaqnct source of support and cofort to me. Even when he was at his sickest it was never "all about him". We saw his illnesses as affecting us and we tried to stick together in fighting it. We each did so in our own ways, but we knew we were in the fight together.

We left lots of time to just enjoy each other and to enjoy life. We tried hard not to let the illness eat up any more of our energy than it absolutely had to.

I miss him.

 

[LisaV]

My husband and I had a good marriage. I think that's because we made an explicit contract to put our energy into being spouses to one another rather than falling into the mother/caregiver - child/patient roles. As part of that we tried to have me do as little illness care as possible. He managed his own illness and did not have me to DPT or IVs (that took some doing given social policy and the insurance companies). Of course I tried to be there to be supportive and loving to him, but (more surprisingly to our friends) he was a constaqnct source of support and cofort to me. Even when he was at his sickest it was never "all about him". We saw his illnesses as affecting us and we tried to stick together in fighting it. We each did so in our own ways, but we knew we were in the fight together.

We left lots of time to just enjoy each other and to enjoy life. We tried hard not to let the illness eat up any more of our energy than it absolutely had to.

I miss him.

 

[LisaV]

My husband and I had a good marriage. I think that's because we made an explicit contract to put our energy into being spouses to one another rather than falling into the mother/caregiver - child/patient roles. As part of that we tried to have me do as little illness care as possible. He managed his own illness and did not have me to DPT or IVs (that took some doing given social policy and the insurance companies). Of course I tried to be there to be supportive and loving to him, but (more surprisingly to our friends) he was a constaqnct source of support and cofort to me. Even when he was at his sickest it was never "all about him". We saw his illnesses as affecting us and we tried to stick together in fighting it. We each did so in our own ways, but we knew we were in the fight together.

We left lots of time to just enjoy each other and to enjoy life. We tried hard not to let the illness eat up any more of our energy than it absolutely had to.

I miss him.

 

[JazzysMom]

I have a great marriage & a fantastic husband. I had been married once before & tho he was a good guy, I remember a statement he made during a flareup when I had severe weight loss & it sticks in my memory bank. I dont think my CF had a direct connection to our split up, but it didnt prevent it either LOL! As far as my new husband & the father of my daughter......he has an exceptional & unique way of looking at things & handling them. I have learned a lot from him, but compared to him I seem selfish. He doesnt get bitter about my illlness. He does get frustrated if I have done all I can & things still dont fall into place, but we all know that is the nature of the beast. I have seen many people walk away from a marriage when illness/disease comes into play. Although I know chronic illnesses are not for the lighthearted, it makes me wonder how devoted they were from the beginning.

 

[JazzysMom]

I have a great marriage & a fantastic husband. I had been married once before & tho he was a good guy, I remember a statement he made during a flareup when I had severe weight loss & it sticks in my memory bank. I dont think my CF had a direct connection to our split up, but it didnt prevent it either LOL! As far as my new husband & the father of my daughter......he has an exceptional & unique way of looking at things & handling them. I have learned a lot from him, but compared to him I seem selfish. He doesnt get bitter about my illlness. He does get frustrated if I have done all I can & things still dont fall into place, but we all know that is the nature of the beast. I have seen many people walk away from a marriage when illness/disease comes into play. Although I know chronic illnesses are not for the lighthearted, it makes me wonder how devoted they were from the beginning.

 

[JazzysMom]

I have a great marriage & a fantastic husband. I had been married once before & tho he was a good guy, I remember a statement he made during a flareup when I had severe weight loss & it sticks in my memory bank. I dont think my CF had a direct connection to our split up, but it didnt prevent it either LOL! As far as my new husband & the father of my daughter......he has an exceptional & unique way of looking at things & handling them. I have learned a lot from him, but compared to him I seem selfish. He doesnt get bitter about my illlness. He does get frustrated if I have done all I can & things still dont fall into place, but we all know that is the nature of the beast. I have seen many people walk away from a marriage when illness/disease comes into play. Although I know chronic illnesses are not for the lighthearted, it makes me wonder how devoted they were from the beginning.

 

[Scarlett81]

The only differences and arguments that cf has caused in my marriage is my messi-ness. And if that's all, I'm happy with that! Not that I'm a slob, but I get tired and when I'm sick the house falls way down. Most times, I try to maintain my schedule and keep busy, and to do so the house is not always oragnized to the hilt b/c that's not my main priority. I always have it clean, but not "martha stewart" pin neat. The problem is my hubby is "martha stewart" pin neat so that causes conflicts. But we have had to compromise. He has had to chill out big time, and I've had to make more effort and sacrifice some of my fun time for the house. This hasn't been a problem in a while though, it was more in the beginning of the marriage.

I think if you grow together, communicate and try to be unselfish then things will be ok. We've had a great marriage and overcome alot. But the world's attitude is "me first", so I think you've got to avoid that. Compromise is key. We've learned alot and come far. And there's still tons to learn, and we look forward to that.

 

[Scarlett81]

The only differences and arguments that cf has caused in my marriage is my messi-ness. And if that's all, I'm happy with that! Not that I'm a slob, but I get tired and when I'm sick the house falls way down. Most times, I try to maintain my schedule and keep busy, and to do so the house is not always oragnized to the hilt b/c that's not my main priority. I always have it clean, but not "martha stewart" pin neat. The problem is my hubby is "martha stewart" pin neat so that causes conflicts. But we have had to compromise. He has had to chill out big time, and I've had to make more effort and sacrifice some of my fun time for the house. This hasn't been a problem in a while though, it was more in the beginning of the marriage.

I think if you grow together, communicate and try to be unselfish then things will be ok. We've had a great marriage and overcome alot. But the world's attitude is "me first", so I think you've got to avoid that. Compromise is key. We've learned alot and come far. And there's still tons to learn, and we look forward to that.

 

[Scarlett81]

The only differences and arguments that cf has caused in my marriage is my messi-ness. And if that's all, I'm happy with that! Not that I'm a slob, but I get tired and when I'm sick the house falls way down. Most times, I try to maintain my schedule and keep busy, and to do so the house is not always oragnized to the hilt b/c that's not my main priority. I always have it clean, but not "martha stewart" pin neat. The problem is my hubby is "martha stewart" pin neat so that causes conflicts. But we have had to compromise. He has had to chill out big time, and I've had to make more effort and sacrifice some of my fun time for the house. This hasn't been a problem in a while though, it was more in the beginning of the marriage.

I think if you grow together, communicate and try to be unselfish then things will be ok. We've had a great marriage and overcome alot. But the world's attitude is "me first", so I think you've got to avoid that. Compromise is key. We've learned alot and come far. And there's still tons to learn, and we look forward to that.

 

[thefrogprincess]

I've only been married for 2 weeks but we've been together for a year. Brian had cancer so he understands what it means to be sick, to face your own mortality. His cancer brought us closer together.

 

[thefrogprincess]

I've only been married for 2 weeks but we've been together for a year. Brian had cancer so he understands what it means to be sick, to face your own mortality. His cancer brought us closer together.

 

[thefrogprincess]

I've only been married for 2 weeks but we've been together for a year. Brian had cancer so he understands what it means to be sick, to face your own mortality. His cancer brought us closer together.

 

[Debi]

My husband and I recently celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary. I am the cfer. While our love is deep and abiding, of course there have been challenges. It has not been easy when I am in the hospital and he has to pick up the load of all the house stuff plus everything for two kids, but he just does it. And when he's had his own illnesses or other issues going on,I just pick up the pieces. We each do whatever it takes. When we got married, the best advice we got was very simple. It was "remember to take care of each other." We use that as one of our guiding principles.

Another principle that has seen us through everything is honesty. We tell each other our feelings, our fears, our wishes, our joys. We know we can trust each other. That is why it makes me crazy when I read posts on the forum about significant others not being up-front about their cf or parents trying to keep the bad news from their kids. Nothing is insurmountable if there is trust. Trust is at the core of any strong relationship.

We also approach any difficulty with the attitude of "when" we get through this..., not "if" we make it through this. So, if we're arguing we aren't thinking about how we plan to leave each other or get divorced. We just think about what it is we need to do to resolve the issue.

CF is difficult to live with for the cfer, the spouse, the kids, the parents. So is cancer, so is a broken arm, so are financial problems. We just tackle each one a bit at a time. Always with honesty, and always with love.

 

[Debi]

My husband and I recently celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary. I am the cfer. While our love is deep and abiding, of course there have been challenges. It has not been easy when I am in the hospital and he has to pick up the load of all the house stuff plus everything for two kids, but he just does it. And when he's had his own illnesses or other issues going on,I just pick up the pieces. We each do whatever it takes. When we got married, the best advice we got was very simple. It was "remember to take care of each other." We use that as one of our guiding principles.

Another principle that has seen us through everything is honesty. We tell each other our feelings, our fears, our wishes, our joys. We know we can trust each other. That is why it makes me crazy when I read posts on the forum about significant others not being up-front about their cf or parents trying to keep the bad news from their kids. Nothing is insurmountable if there is trust. Trust is at the core of any strong relationship.

We also approach any difficulty with the attitude of "when" we get through this..., not "if" we make it through this. So, if we're arguing we aren't thinking about how we plan to leave each other or get divorced. We just think about what it is we need to do to resolve the issue.

CF is difficult to live with for the cfer, the spouse, the kids, the parents. So is cancer, so is a broken arm, so are financial problems. We just tackle each one a bit at a time. Always with honesty, and always with love.