Marriage and Cf

[Debi]

My husband and I recently celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary. I am the cfer. While our love is deep and abiding, of course there have been challenges. It has not been easy when I am in the hospital and he has to pick up the load of all the house stuff plus everything for two kids, but he just does it. And when he's had his own illnesses or other issues going on,I just pick up the pieces. We each do whatever it takes. When we got married, the best advice we got was very simple. It was "remember to take care of each other." We use that as one of our guiding principles.

Another principle that has seen us through everything is honesty. We tell each other our feelings, our fears, our wishes, our joys. We know we can trust each other. That is why it makes me crazy when I read posts on the forum about significant others not being up-front about their cf or parents trying to keep the bad news from their kids. Nothing is insurmountable if there is trust. Trust is at the core of any strong relationship.

We also approach any difficulty with the attitude of "when" we get through this..., not "if" we make it through this. So, if we're arguing we aren't thinking about how we plan to leave each other or get divorced. We just think about what it is we need to do to resolve the issue.

CF is difficult to live with for the cfer, the spouse, the kids, the parents. So is cancer, so is a broken arm, so are financial problems. We just tackle each one a bit at a time. Always with honesty, and always with love.

 

[princessjdc]

My husband and I have a great marriage, CF doesnt get in the way, we communicate very well and talk about anything and everything. Sometimes our conversations get into the "What If's" and thats always good to know what to do if something was to happen, we just try and stay prepared I guess in a way.

 

[princessjdc]

My husband and I have a great marriage, CF doesnt get in the way, we communicate very well and talk about anything and everything. Sometimes our conversations get into the "What If's" and thats always good to know what to do if something was to happen, we just try and stay prepared I guess in a way.

 

[princessjdc]

My husband and I have a great marriage, CF doesnt get in the way, we communicate very well and talk about anything and everything. Sometimes our conversations get into the "What If's" and thats always good to know what to do if something was to happen, we just try and stay prepared I guess in a way.

 

[Momtana]

We were married for 27 years before my CF diagnosis. My husband seems to be more worried about making money and having health insurance (both important) so that he can "take care of me" - I find this new focus of his challenges the balance we had of working together, I feel more like a burden than a partner when he says this.
I found a lab slip from 1973, the year we met, that could have led to a diagnosis. How would things have been different if I'd had the diagnosis then, we wonder.

 

[Momtana]

We were married for 27 years before my CF diagnosis. My husband seems to be more worried about making money and having health insurance (both important) so that he can "take care of me" - I find this new focus of his challenges the balance we had of working together, I feel more like a burden than a partner when he says this.
I found a lab slip from 1973, the year we met, that could have led to a diagnosis. How would things have been different if I'd had the diagnosis then, we wonder.

 

[Momtana]

We were married for 27 years before my CF diagnosis. My husband seems to be more worried about making money and having health insurance (both important) so that he can "take care of me" - I find this new focus of his challenges the balance we had of working together, I feel more like a burden than a partner when he says this.
I found a lab slip from 1973, the year we met, that could have led to a diagnosis. How would things have been different if I'd had the diagnosis then, we wonder.

 

[65rosessamurai]

It took me ten years of my marriage to finally realize I was making a mistake. I should have realized in the first two years that she would not support me if I had gotten so sick I had to be hospitallized. The key word in that was "If I were hospitallized, our marriage life would be over", and she would have filed a divorce. As I think back about that phrase (which came up several times, and finally clicked after our 11th year in marriage), I imagined she'd leave me in the hospital and my family would probably had come all the way to Japan to get me back home. I'd even suspect my family would sue her (hoping I wouldn't have been stupid enough to sign the papers without discussing with my family), before finalizing the divorce. Therefore, CF was a major influence to our marriage, but was only in regards to having children.

But, since it was a shoulder injury she had neglected, I divorced her before that ugly scenario would happen. As Allie stated, trust is the biggest value to a marriage, and the wife just didn't have it, anymore. I don't know how far she lied and cheated me, but I felt the need to get out before anything worse happened.

Anyway, I found someone as my previous marriage was dissolving, and except for the wicked MIL, things are going great. We have all that trust, love and occasional "spats" you find in any marriage, but CF is not something of an issue.

 

[65rosessamurai]

It took me ten years of my marriage to finally realize I was making a mistake. I should have realized in the first two years that she would not support me if I had gotten so sick I had to be hospitallized. The key word in that was "If I were hospitallized, our marriage life would be over", and she would have filed a divorce. As I think back about that phrase (which came up several times, and finally clicked after our 11th year in marriage), I imagined she'd leave me in the hospital and my family would probably had come all the way to Japan to get me back home. I'd even suspect my family would sue her (hoping I wouldn't have been stupid enough to sign the papers without discussing with my family), before finalizing the divorce. Therefore, CF was a major influence to our marriage, but was only in regards to having children.

But, since it was a shoulder injury she had neglected, I divorced her before that ugly scenario would happen. As Allie stated, trust is the biggest value to a marriage, and the wife just didn't have it, anymore. I don't know how far she lied and cheated me, but I felt the need to get out before anything worse happened.

Anyway, I found someone as my previous marriage was dissolving, and except for the wicked MIL, things are going great. We have all that trust, love and occasional "spats" you find in any marriage, but CF is not something of an issue.

 

[65rosessamurai]

It took me ten years of my marriage to finally realize I was making a mistake. I should have realized in the first two years that she would not support me if I had gotten so sick I had to be hospitallized. The key word in that was "If I were hospitallized, our marriage life would be over", and she would have filed a divorce. As I think back about that phrase (which came up several times, and finally clicked after our 11th year in marriage), I imagined she'd leave me in the hospital and my family would probably had come all the way to Japan to get me back home. I'd even suspect my family would sue her (hoping I wouldn't have been stupid enough to sign the papers without discussing with my family), before finalizing the divorce. Therefore, CF was a major influence to our marriage, but was only in regards to having children.

But, since it was a shoulder injury she had neglected, I divorced her before that ugly scenario would happen. As Allie stated, trust is the biggest value to a marriage, and the wife just didn't have it, anymore. I don't know how far she lied and cheated me, but I felt the need to get out before anything worse happened.

Anyway, I found someone as my previous marriage was dissolving, and except for the wicked MIL, things are going great. We have all that trust, love and occasional "spats" you find in any marriage, but CF is not something of an issue.

 

[lightNlife]

Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough.

--Dinah Shore

<b>This is from my blog awhile back. It's a little glimpse into my marriage and how CF plays a part. </b>

I've spent the better part of the afternoon and evening contemplating my navel. Some days I really get quite down about having CF, and it seems like my depressive mood follow hot on the heels of some over-stimulating activity.

Today I went to a baby shower for my friend Liz--the first baby shower I can recall ever having been to. I had a wonderful time, and it was awesome to see so many ladies from multiple generations within our church come together to honor Liz and celebrate the incredible change her life (and her husband Clay's!) is about to take.

When I got home I was truly overwhelmed with emotion. Many of my friends are now having babies, and although I'm not really experiencing jealousy over it, I think I'm experiencing more of a sort of grief about my own loss in that department. Don't get me wrong, I am very thrilled for my friends who are new mommies and soon-to-be mommies...I just don't quite know how to process all of that, especially when juxtaposed with my own thoughts and feelings about whether or not Brad and I could or should be parents at some point.

For about an hour or so I launched into your basic female over-reaction to my own emotions. There are some days when I feel like I'm walking around with a big sandwich board sign that reads "I have Cystic Fibrosis and some days just suck because of it". I constantly feel like I have to give additional effort on certain things in order to make up for the times when CF slows me down. I've even wondered what in the world could possibly be so worthwhile about me that Brad would commit his life to me, without giving it a second thought.

Brad patiently and assertively reminded me that even when I feel like I'm nothing more than a walking science project, he loves me for me. CF is just something I have--like red hair and that goofy little freckle on the bottom of my right foot.

This evening I found online something entitled "a letter to my husband. " It was written a few years back by a woman who married a man with CF. I cried as I read it, and it finally sank in that how she feels about her husband must be how Brad feels about me. He must love me. He didn't marry a science project. He married a human being who is every bit as worthy and capable of a fulfilling life as anyone else.

Below are the words to "You Must Love Me" from the musical, "Evita". Eva sings this song as her husband helps her home from the hospital after she is told that she is dying of cancer. I think of this song often when I realize that Brad is by my side voluntarily. God certainly picked out an incredible man for me.

Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you

Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away

You must love me
You must love me

Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed

You must love me

--
<b>Here's another blog entry, excerpted from my upcoming book <u>Dear Future Husband</u></b>

...to be honest, I never thought I would find someone who would want to marry me. I thought that having Cystic fibrosis was quite possibly the biggest turn off ever. I couldn't imagine that there was a man in the world who would be willing to sleep beside me each night, sometimes having to listen to the wheezes and gurgles that go along with the various lung infections. I thought that no parent would ever want their son to marry a woman whose lifespan was decidedly shorter than average.

This just goes to show that nothing is too much of a challenge for God. I am dumbstruck to realize that during all my self-deprecating teenage years, God was working to prepare the heart of the man I would one day marry. All the things I thought were undesirable about me are the very things that have tempered my character and molded me into the God-fearing woman that I am. God has used each of my personal struggles to shape me into a woman who is worthy of the godly man who wakes up beside me each morning...

(c) Lauren G. Beyenhof. All Rights Reserved.

 

[lightNlife]

Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough.

--Dinah Shore

<b>This is from my blog awhile back. It's a little glimpse into my marriage and how CF plays a part. </b>

I've spent the better part of the afternoon and evening contemplating my navel. Some days I really get quite down about having CF, and it seems like my depressive mood follow hot on the heels of some over-stimulating activity.

Today I went to a baby shower for my friend Liz--the first baby shower I can recall ever having been to. I had a wonderful time, and it was awesome to see so many ladies from multiple generations within our church come together to honor Liz and celebrate the incredible change her life (and her husband Clay's!) is about to take.

When I got home I was truly overwhelmed with emotion. Many of my friends are now having babies, and although I'm not really experiencing jealousy over it, I think I'm experiencing more of a sort of grief about my own loss in that department. Don't get me wrong, I am very thrilled for my friends who are new mommies and soon-to-be mommies...I just don't quite know how to process all of that, especially when juxtaposed with my own thoughts and feelings about whether or not Brad and I could or should be parents at some point.

For about an hour or so I launched into your basic female over-reaction to my own emotions. There are some days when I feel like I'm walking around with a big sandwich board sign that reads "I have Cystic Fibrosis and some days just suck because of it". I constantly feel like I have to give additional effort on certain things in order to make up for the times when CF slows me down. I've even wondered what in the world could possibly be so worthwhile about me that Brad would commit his life to me, without giving it a second thought.

Brad patiently and assertively reminded me that even when I feel like I'm nothing more than a walking science project, he loves me for me. CF is just something I have--like red hair and that goofy little freckle on the bottom of my right foot.

This evening I found online something entitled "a letter to my husband. " It was written a few years back by a woman who married a man with CF. I cried as I read it, and it finally sank in that how she feels about her husband must be how Brad feels about me. He must love me. He didn't marry a science project. He married a human being who is every bit as worthy and capable of a fulfilling life as anyone else.

Below are the words to "You Must Love Me" from the musical, "Evita". Eva sings this song as her husband helps her home from the hospital after she is told that she is dying of cancer. I think of this song often when I realize that Brad is by my side voluntarily. God certainly picked out an incredible man for me.

Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you

Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away

You must love me
You must love me

Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed

You must love me

--
<b>Here's another blog entry, excerpted from my upcoming book <u>Dear Future Husband</u></b>

...to be honest, I never thought I would find someone who would want to marry me. I thought that having Cystic fibrosis was quite possibly the biggest turn off ever. I couldn't imagine that there was a man in the world who would be willing to sleep beside me each night, sometimes having to listen to the wheezes and gurgles that go along with the various lung infections. I thought that no parent would ever want their son to marry a woman whose lifespan was decidedly shorter than average.

This just goes to show that nothing is too much of a challenge for God. I am dumbstruck to realize that during all my self-deprecating teenage years, God was working to prepare the heart of the man I would one day marry. All the things I thought were undesirable about me are the very things that have tempered my character and molded me into the God-fearing woman that I am. God has used each of my personal struggles to shape me into a woman who is worthy of the godly man who wakes up beside me each morning...

(c) Lauren G. Beyenhof. All Rights Reserved.

 

[lightNlife]

Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough.

--Dinah Shore

<b>This is from my blog awhile back. It's a little glimpse into my marriage and how CF plays a part. </b>

I've spent the better part of the afternoon and evening contemplating my navel. Some days I really get quite down about having CF, and it seems like my depressive mood follow hot on the heels of some over-stimulating activity.

Today I went to a baby shower for my friend Liz--the first baby shower I can recall ever having been to. I had a wonderful time, and it was awesome to see so many ladies from multiple generations within our church come together to honor Liz and celebrate the incredible change her life (and her husband Clay's!) is about to take.

When I got home I was truly overwhelmed with emotion. Many of my friends are now having babies, and although I'm not really experiencing jealousy over it, I think I'm experiencing more of a sort of grief about my own loss in that department. Don't get me wrong, I am very thrilled for my friends who are new mommies and soon-to-be mommies...I just don't quite know how to process all of that, especially when juxtaposed with my own thoughts and feelings about whether or not Brad and I could or should be parents at some point.

For about an hour or so I launched into your basic female over-reaction to my own emotions. There are some days when I feel like I'm walking around with a big sandwich board sign that reads "I have Cystic Fibrosis and some days just suck because of it". I constantly feel like I have to give additional effort on certain things in order to make up for the times when CF slows me down. I've even wondered what in the world could possibly be so worthwhile about me that Brad would commit his life to me, without giving it a second thought.

Brad patiently and assertively reminded me that even when I feel like I'm nothing more than a walking science project, he loves me for me. CF is just something I have--like red hair and that goofy little freckle on the bottom of my right foot.

This evening I found online something entitled "a letter to my husband. " It was written a few years back by a woman who married a man with CF. I cried as I read it, and it finally sank in that how she feels about her husband must be how Brad feels about me. He must love me. He didn't marry a science project. He married a human being who is every bit as worthy and capable of a fulfilling life as anyone else.

Below are the words to "You Must Love Me" from the musical, "Evita". Eva sings this song as her husband helps her home from the hospital after she is told that she is dying of cancer. I think of this song often when I realize that Brad is by my side voluntarily. God certainly picked out an incredible man for me.

Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you

Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away

You must love me
You must love me

Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed

You must love me

--
<b>Here's another blog entry, excerpted from my upcoming book <u>Dear Future Husband</u></b>

...to be honest, I never thought I would find someone who would want to marry me. I thought that having Cystic fibrosis was quite possibly the biggest turn off ever. I couldn't imagine that there was a man in the world who would be willing to sleep beside me each night, sometimes having to listen to the wheezes and gurgles that go along with the various lung infections. I thought that no parent would ever want their son to marry a woman whose lifespan was decidedly shorter than average.

This just goes to show that nothing is too much of a challenge for God. I am dumbstruck to realize that during all my self-deprecating teenage years, God was working to prepare the heart of the man I would one day marry. All the things I thought were undesirable about me are the very things that have tempered my character and molded me into the God-fearing woman that I am. God has used each of my personal struggles to shape me into a woman who is worthy of the godly man who wakes up beside me each morning...

(c) Lauren G. Beyenhof. All Rights Reserved.

 

[Allie]

hah! I cry every time I hear "You must love me" I read into the same way.

 

[Allie]

hah! I cry every time I hear "You must love me" I read into the same way.

 

[Allie]

hah! I cry every time I hear "You must love me" I read into the same way.

 

[sue35]

Now I am just crying. I hope that happens to me, that someone will love me no matter what. Too bad that I just can't see that happening. But very sweet song and post

 

[sue35]

Now I am just crying. I hope that happens to me, that someone will love me no matter what. Too bad that I just can't see that happening. But very sweet song and post

 

[sue35]

Now I am just crying. I hope that happens to me, that someone will love me no matter what. Too bad that I just can't see that happening. But very sweet song and post

 

[amoo74]

I am 32. I've known that I have CF since I was a day old. I was never sick until I was a teen. In my twenties I had several serious relationships. Though I knew, realistically, that I could do better than the guys I was choosing, I kept getting involved with guys who had drinking or drug problems. It all went back to my self-esteem issues.
I felt that I was less than worthy because I was sick. So I felt that I had to settle. My last serious relationship ended 4 1/2 years ago. I haven't really seriously dated anyone since then. At first I wanted to avoid men all together. I was tired of being hurt.
Then in the last year, I realized I didn't want to be alone anymore. I am scared of not feeling in love ever again. I don't want to die alone. My health is not terrible. But I am at a place in my life where I don't know what the next chapter is supposed to hold.
I've struggled with depression for years. It's back now. All my girlfriends my age are married and have children. I went to college but have not been able to find that satisfaction in my career. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what to do now. I don't know where to go or what the point of continuing is sometimes. I think the only reason I do is because of my family. They would be devastated if I gave up at this point.
But to be honest, I feel like doing more than just giving up some days. I'm seeing a psychologist and she is aware of this. But I don't feel like anyone is ever going to want me. I feel like damaged goods. Partly because if the CF and partly because of the relationship mistakes I've made in the past. Now I feel like any relationship I would be involved in would just be settling. That is just sad to me. But I feel like I don't have a choice. At least when I was younger, I was able to be more active and could breathe. Now I don't even have that. How is that attractive to anyone?
If anyone feels like or has felt like this please let me know how you get through your day to day? I don't know how long I can go on like this.

Thanks