Marriage issues

[threebabies]

I am writing because I need advice from parents with cf children or teens/adults with cf. I have 3 babies with cf a 3 year old and 20 month old twins. My 3 year old's daily regime is pretty intense and the twins are not as bad but it is times 2. I am a stay at home mom and manage all the care for the children. My husband works a lot. I suppose it is a blessing in this economy. However, I am extremely overwhelmed. My husband and I are always at each others throats. What I need to know what has anyone done to keep their marriages strong under all these stresses. Thank you for any replies


Gina

 

[threebabies]

I am writing because I need advice from parents with cf children or teens/adults with cf. I have 3 babies with cf a 3 year old and 20 month old twins. My 3 year old's daily regime is pretty intense and the twins are not as bad but it is times 2. I am a stay at home mom and manage all the care for the children. My husband works a lot. I suppose it is a blessing in this economy. However, I am extremely overwhelmed. My husband and I are always at each others throats. What I need to know what has anyone done to keep their marriages strong under all these stresses. Thank you for any replies


Gina

 

[threebabies]

I am writing because I need advice from parents with cf children or teens/adults with cf. I have 3 babies with cf a 3 year old and 20 month old twins. My 3 year old's daily regime is pretty intense and the twins are not as bad but it is times 2. I am a stay at home mom and manage all the care for the children. My husband works a lot. I suppose it is a blessing in this economy. However, I am extremely overwhelmed. My husband and I are always at each others throats. What I need to know what has anyone done to keep their marriages strong under all these stresses. Thank you for any replies
<br />
<br />
<br />Gina

 

[julie]

Gina, I don't have marriage advice but I do have some other info that might help. What state do you live in? Are you getting any sort of respite care from the staet or anything? If you'd be willing to share the state your in, I can look and see what programs are available in your area... are your kids on state medical or anything like that?

 

[julie]

Gina, I don't have marriage advice but I do have some other info that might help. What state do you live in? Are you getting any sort of respite care from the staet or anything? If you'd be willing to share the state your in, I can look and see what programs are available in your area... are your kids on state medical or anything like that?

 

[julie]

Gina, I don't have marriage advice but I do have some other info that might help. What state do you live in? Are you getting any sort of respite care from the staet or anything? If you'd be willing to share the state your in, I can look and see what programs are available in your area... are your kids on state medical or anything like that?

 

[jenspoon]

Hi Gina
I am the mother of a 16 year old daughter with cf and two older sons. I am in awe of you managing a three year old and 20 month old twins even without cf being added to the challenge. As a mother my heart goes out to you and it is completely understandable that you would feel overwhelmed.

An essential survival technique I have learned over the years has been to learn to be kind to yourself and nurture yourself. Sometimes this is easier said than done but we are in this for the long haul and have to make this a priority for our mental and physical health. Can your husband give you a time out each week where you can do something for yourself that gives you the chance to replenish yourself?

When my daughter was diagnosed the social worker told us that the rate of divorce amongst couples with a child with a chronic illness was much higher than the normal rate. I can now completely understand why - pressures, exhaustion, sickness, blame, disappointment, expectations not met all erode a marriage. Communication is the only way we have survived and we are still working on it.

If you can change the way you communicate from being at each others throats to sitting down and expressing your needs and concerns and coming up with strategies it will definitely help. I hope you have some family support that might help you to be able to do this otherwise arrange a time when the children are in bed and you don't have interruptions or are feeling angry or really stressed. Even though your husband is not home all the time you still need to feel that you are in this together.

I wish you all the very best. If you ever need a mum to chat to please feel free to pm me anytime.

Jenny

 

[jenspoon]

Hi Gina
I am the mother of a 16 year old daughter with cf and two older sons. I am in awe of you managing a three year old and 20 month old twins even without cf being added to the challenge. As a mother my heart goes out to you and it is completely understandable that you would feel overwhelmed.

An essential survival technique I have learned over the years has been to learn to be kind to yourself and nurture yourself. Sometimes this is easier said than done but we are in this for the long haul and have to make this a priority for our mental and physical health. Can your husband give you a time out each week where you can do something for yourself that gives you the chance to replenish yourself?

When my daughter was diagnosed the social worker told us that the rate of divorce amongst couples with a child with a chronic illness was much higher than the normal rate. I can now completely understand why - pressures, exhaustion, sickness, blame, disappointment, expectations not met all erode a marriage. Communication is the only way we have survived and we are still working on it.

If you can change the way you communicate from being at each others throats to sitting down and expressing your needs and concerns and coming up with strategies it will definitely help. I hope you have some family support that might help you to be able to do this otherwise arrange a time when the children are in bed and you don't have interruptions or are feeling angry or really stressed. Even though your husband is not home all the time you still need to feel that you are in this together.

I wish you all the very best. If you ever need a mum to chat to please feel free to pm me anytime.

Jenny

 

[jenspoon]

Hi Gina
<br />I am the mother of a 16 year old daughter with cf and two older sons. I am in awe of you managing a three year old and 20 month old twins even without cf being added to the challenge. As a mother my heart goes out to you and it is completely understandable that you would feel overwhelmed.
<br />
<br />An essential survival technique I have learned over the years has been to learn to be kind to yourself and nurture yourself. Sometimes this is easier said than done but we are in this for the long haul and have to make this a priority for our mental and physical health. Can your husband give you a time out each week where you can do something for yourself that gives you the chance to replenish yourself?
<br />
<br />When my daughter was diagnosed the social worker told us that the rate of divorce amongst couples with a child with a chronic illness was much higher than the normal rate. I can now completely understand why - pressures, exhaustion, sickness, blame, disappointment, expectations not met all erode a marriage. Communication is the only way we have survived and we are still working on it.
<br />
<br />If you can change the way you communicate from being at each others throats to sitting down and expressing your needs and concerns and coming up with strategies it will definitely help. I hope you have some family support that might help you to be able to do this otherwise arrange a time when the children are in bed and you don't have interruptions or are feeling angry or really stressed. Even though your husband is not home all the time you still need to feel that you are in this together.
<br />
<br />I wish you all the very best. If you ever need a mum to chat to please feel free to pm me anytime.
<br />
<br />Jenny

 

[AleksandraKaczynska]

I have nothing much to add to the above but try to get help from family or state in daily care and learn to accept that you both may be tired and give time to each other - and, as I'm also a mom - I guess it's more you that needs time off. It's really hard to learn to comminucate when all the stress is about and everybody is tired.And make sure there is no third person involved in this - like a mother-in-law - that's where my marrige is always tested and not much is need for a breakout of emotions...

 

[AleksandraKaczynska]

I have nothing much to add to the above but try to get help from family or state in daily care and learn to accept that you both may be tired and give time to each other - and, as I'm also a mom - I guess it's more you that needs time off. It's really hard to learn to comminucate when all the stress is about and everybody is tired.And make sure there is no third person involved in this - like a mother-in-law - that's where my marrige is always tested and not much is need for a breakout of emotions...

 

[AleksandraKaczynska]

I have nothing much to add to the above but try to get help from family or state in daily care and learn to accept that you both may be tired and give time to each other - and, as I'm also a mom - I guess it's more you that needs time off. It's really hard to learn to comminucate when all the stress is about and everybody is tired.And make sure there is no third person involved in this - like a mother-in-law - that's where my marrige is always tested and not much is need for a breakout of emotions...

 

[rubyroselee]

Hi Gina,

Wow! You are definitely a super mom. I can't even imagine the amount of stress and work you go through every day. I have 2 sons that are 18 months apart, and I remember the early days...my spouse and I were at each other's throats constantly. We were so sleep deprived, stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. So I can imagine how difficult it must be for you x3 AND all with CF. That is truly amazing.

Just know that it is very normal and common to be angry and stressed at each other. Hopefully things will get easier as the kids get a little older and become more self-sufficient. Until then, hang in there. Realize that you two are each other's best support person. Try to think before you talk so that things don't come out the wrong way. The other option is to see a therapist, that is, if you have someone that can watch your kids for an hour a week. Because you two definitely have an immense amount of stress in your lives.

Take care <img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">

 

[rubyroselee]

Hi Gina,

Wow! You are definitely a super mom. I can't even imagine the amount of stress and work you go through every day. I have 2 sons that are 18 months apart, and I remember the early days...my spouse and I were at each other's throats constantly. We were so sleep deprived, stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. So I can imagine how difficult it must be for you x3 AND all with CF. That is truly amazing.

Just know that it is very normal and common to be angry and stressed at each other. Hopefully things will get easier as the kids get a little older and become more self-sufficient. Until then, hang in there. Realize that you two are each other's best support person. Try to think before you talk so that things don't come out the wrong way. The other option is to see a therapist, that is, if you have someone that can watch your kids for an hour a week. Because you two definitely have an immense amount of stress in your lives.

Take care <img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">

 

[rubyroselee]

Hi Gina,
<br />
<br />Wow! You are definitely a super mom. I can't even imagine the amount of stress and work you go through every day. I have 2 sons that are 18 months apart, and I remember the early days...my spouse and I were at each other's throats constantly. We were so sleep deprived, stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. So I can imagine how difficult it must be for you x3 AND all with CF. That is truly amazing.
<br />
<br />Just know that it is very normal and common to be angry and stressed at each other. Hopefully things will get easier as the kids get a little older and become more self-sufficient. Until then, hang in there. Realize that you two are each other's best support person. Try to think before you talk so that things don't come out the wrong way. The other option is to see a therapist, that is, if you have someone that can watch your kids for an hour a week. Because you two definitely have an immense amount of stress in your lives.
<br />
<br />Take care <img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">

 

[LouLou]

contact your town social services. they will recommend a counselor for you to work with to develop a plan. I would guess a lot of your problem is that you have a chip on your shoulder when your husband gets home from his "day out away from it all." And he probably can't understand because he's providing so well that you can "stay home" ....even though you probably both agree your job is harder than his. Once you get a plan with the counselor of how to manage then you'll both go in for a little marriage counseling and things will be much better.

You need to be making sure you are having quality date nights regularly and some quality, relaxing time in the bedroom that you both enjoy.

This is a difficult time but you both decided to persue another child after having one already with cf. You owe it to your kids and to your marriage oath to try everything possible to make it work.

Good luck! In terms of advice from my experience. The date night has helped every 2 wks mainly for making sure I'm getting out with adults sans kids also I find I do best with lists. We agree to what he is going to do and then I'm okay with doing EVERYTHING ELSE! We are fortunate that anything beyond what I can handle I can hire done.

 

[LouLou]

contact your town social services. they will recommend a counselor for you to work with to develop a plan. I would guess a lot of your problem is that you have a chip on your shoulder when your husband gets home from his "day out away from it all." And he probably can't understand because he's providing so well that you can "stay home" ....even though you probably both agree your job is harder than his. Once you get a plan with the counselor of how to manage then you'll both go in for a little marriage counseling and things will be much better.

You need to be making sure you are having quality date nights regularly and some quality, relaxing time in the bedroom that you both enjoy.

This is a difficult time but you both decided to persue another child after having one already with cf. You owe it to your kids and to your marriage oath to try everything possible to make it work.

Good luck! In terms of advice from my experience. The date night has helped every 2 wks mainly for making sure I'm getting out with adults sans kids also I find I do best with lists. We agree to what he is going to do and then I'm okay with doing EVERYTHING ELSE! We are fortunate that anything beyond what I can handle I can hire done.

 

[LouLou]

contact your town social services. they will recommend a counselor for you to work with to develop a plan. I would guess a lot of your problem is that you have a chip on your shoulder when your husband gets home from his "day out away from it all." And he probably can't understand because he's providing so well that you can "stay home" ....even though you probably both agree your job is harder than his. Once you get a plan with the counselor of how to manage then you'll both go in for a little marriage counseling and things will be much better.
<br />
<br />You need to be making sure you are having quality date nights regularly and some quality, relaxing time in the bedroom that you both enjoy.
<br />
<br />This is a difficult time but you both decided to persue another child after having one already with cf. You owe it to your kids and to your marriage oath to try everything possible to make it work.
<br />
<br />Good luck! In terms of advice from my experience. The date night has helped every 2 wks mainly for making sure I'm getting out with adults sans kids also I find I do best with lists. We agree to what he is going to do and then I'm okay with doing EVERYTHING ELSE! We are fortunate that anything beyond what I can handle I can hire done.

 

[mamaScarlett]

I don't know if you have family nearby or could arrange for some type of trusted help for short periods now and then so that you and hubby can have some alone time.
My hubby and I have gone through this type of rough patch also-and I DON'T have TWINS, girl!! Ditto what everyone else said, you are super mom. You are really giving it your all. And part of that is the sacrifice that your hubby and you are making so you can be home with them, which is the best gift you could give to them right now. Take time to reflect on that, and you and your husband can remember to bond over the fact that you are working together to give them the best life possible. Feeling like you are working together for a common goal can keep you united.
That fact can get easily get lost in the day to day madness.
Being a mom with Cf has its big challenges, at least it has for me. Added to that fact is that my husband has a very demanding job which takes him away from us often. Thats one of the biggest stressors for us and we go through periods where there is just a divide between us.
Something we've decided to do is take time alone together whenever possible, even if its brief. For every doctor appt I have, we always have family watch our daughter, and we go to my appt alone together, and have lunch or dinner afterwards. Its usually only a couple of alone hours together but they add up.
And about every 6-9 months we do a weekend alone together. This is hard for me bc I hate leaving my LO, but I have come to see the wisdom in leaving for a few nights. We really get to reconnect and breathe for a few days.

 

[mamaScarlett]

I don't know if you have family nearby or could arrange for some type of trusted help for short periods now and then so that you and hubby can have some alone time.
My hubby and I have gone through this type of rough patch also-and I DON'T have TWINS, girl!! Ditto what everyone else said, you are super mom. You are really giving it your all. And part of that is the sacrifice that your hubby and you are making so you can be home with them, which is the best gift you could give to them right now. Take time to reflect on that, and you and your husband can remember to bond over the fact that you are working together to give them the best life possible. Feeling like you are working together for a common goal can keep you united.
That fact can get easily get lost in the day to day madness.
Being a mom with Cf has its big challenges, at least it has for me. Added to that fact is that my husband has a very demanding job which takes him away from us often. Thats one of the biggest stressors for us and we go through periods where there is just a divide between us.
Something we've decided to do is take time alone together whenever possible, even if its brief. For every doctor appt I have, we always have family watch our daughter, and we go to my appt alone together, and have lunch or dinner afterwards. Its usually only a couple of alone hours together but they add up.
And about every 6-9 months we do a weekend alone together. This is hard for me bc I hate leaving my LO, but I have come to see the wisdom in leaving for a few nights. We really get to reconnect and breathe for a few days.