Marriage issues

mamaScarlett · Feb 28, 2011

I don't know if you have family nearby or could arrange for some type of trusted help for short periods now and then so that you and hubby can have some alone time.
 My hubby and I have gone through this type of rough patch also-and I DON'T have TWINS, girl!! Ditto what everyone else said, you are super mom. You are really giving it your all. And part of that is the sacrifice that your hubby and you are making so you can be home with them, which is the best gift you could give to them right now. Take time to reflect on that, and you and your husband can remember to bond over the fact that you are working together to give them the best life possible. Feeling like you are working together for a common goal can keep you united.
 That fact can get easily get lost in the day to day madness.
 Being a mom with Cf has its big challenges, at least it has for me. Added to that fact is that my husband has a very demanding job which takes him away from us often. Thats one of the biggest stressors for us and we go through periods where there is just a divide between us.
 Something we've decided to do is take time alone together whenever possible, even if its brief. For every doctor appt I have, we always have family watch our daughter, and we go to my appt alone together, and have lunch or dinner afterwards. Its usually only a couple of alone hours together but they add up.
 And about every 6-9 months we do a weekend alone together. This is hard for me bc I hate leaving my LO, but I have come to see the wisdom in leaving for a few nights. We really get to reconnect and breathe for a few days.

musclemania70 · Feb 28, 2011

I don't have kids but I do have a marriage.
Hang in there. Rough times/days/weeks will be inevitable.
I agree with others in that your spouse is your TEAMATE. He is on your side even though it doesn't seem like it sometimes. You both need to recognize that you are there to HELP and SUPPORT each other.
A team can't get any progress unless each member contributes and does their part to make the whole STRONGER, not WEAKER. Build each other up and think of all the POSITIVE WAYS that that person helps you.
PS, let him know you are at your wits end and need HIS SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT. Just because he works, doesn't mean he can be 'tuned out' at home. His job at home is just as important as his work outside the home.

Its always easier to see the negative. Try to stay positive and BUILD EACH OTHER UP. Hope that helps a little.

musclemania70 · Feb 28, 2011

I don't have kids but I do have a marriage.
Hang in there. Rough times/days/weeks will be inevitable.
I agree with others in that your spouse is your TEAMATE. He is on your side even though it doesn't seem like it sometimes. You both need to recognize that you are there to HELP and SUPPORT each other.
A team can't get any progress unless each member contributes and does their part to make the whole STRONGER, not WEAKER. Build each other up and think of all the POSITIVE WAYS that that person helps you.
PS, let him know you are at your wits end and need HIS SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT. Just because he works, doesn't mean he can be 'tuned out' at home. His job at home is just as important as his work outside the home.

Its always easier to see the negative. Try to stay positive and BUILD EACH OTHER UP. Hope that helps a little.

musclemania70 · Feb 28, 2011

I don't have kids but I do have a marriage.
 Hang in there. Rough times/days/weeks will be inevitable.
 I agree with others in that your spouse is your TEAMATE. He is on your side even though it doesn't seem like it sometimes. You both need to recognize that you are there to HELP and SUPPORT each other.
 A team can't get any progress unless each member contributes and does their part to make the whole STRONGER, not WEAKER. Build each other up and think of all the POSITIVE WAYS that that person helps you.
 PS, let him know you are at your wits end and need HIS SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT. Just because he works, doesn't mean he can be 'tuned out' at home. His job at home is just as important as his work outside the home.
 
 Its always easier to see the negative. Try to stay positive and BUILD EACH OTHER UP. Hope that helps a little.

stringbean · Feb 28, 2011

My husband travels constantly, generally three weeks at a time eight times a year. He is in different time zones, travels to 10 countries in 20 days, has to eat weird foods... It is extremely demanding, so in general, I got very little sympathy when "all I had to do" was deal with two young hyperactive kids. They didn't require the level of care you are dealing with, but they had plenty of issues that required a lot of close attention.

The first thing I did was insist that my husband learn everything about their food sensitivities and medications (someone was going to have to take over if I ever got the flu!) Once I felt confident that he could handle things, I had him stay with the kids all day while I was off doing something else. (It wasn't even something fun for me, I think I went to an all-day seminar for ADHD or something.) I just wanted to be someplace where I couldn't come home instantly and he would have to deal with whatever came up.

After one day of living my life, he became much, much more understanding. It didn't change his work schedule or what I did during the day. But it did change his expectations of what I could accomplish in a day; it did change his annoyance over what I never got around to doing. I was still dealing with the kids all day, but my attitude improved greatly just because my husband understood what it was like. Empathy goes a long way!!! Nothing really changed other than the tension. Well, that and he was more likely to give me a break for a couple of hours on the weekend he was home...

The thing I resented most was my husband's ability to leave the house whenever he wanted -- for his job, business dinners, business trips... Even if it was all work related, it was still freedom. I could never do that, everything required so much planning and packing (I think my right shoulder is permanently lower from the weight of the diaper bag!) Having just one afternoon or evening a month for me was enough. (Actually, it was enough just to go to the grocery store by myself.) I loved the ability to walk out of the house without arranging a babysitter and going over meds and bedtimes and meals. I loved not having to pack and drag along a 20 lb diaper bag.

I also had one spot in the house that was my oasis. My comfy chair, filled with pillows, that I could sink into and sip some soothing tea. No one else was allowed to sit there -- and when the kids were a bit older, they knew that they were not to disturb me while mom was having tea. It was my ten-minute escape. Some days required at least five of those mini-escapes, but I always felt a bit refreshed and ready to jump back into the demands of motherhood.

Be kind to yourself. Having three babies is stressful under the best of situations. Dealing with health issues for just one child is stressful -- I can't imagine the difficulty of three.

stringbean · Feb 28, 2011

My husband travels constantly, generally three weeks at a time eight times a year. He is in different time zones, travels to 10 countries in 20 days, has to eat weird foods... It is extremely demanding, so in general, I got very little sympathy when "all I had to do" was deal with two young hyperactive kids. They didn't require the level of care you are dealing with, but they had plenty of issues that required a lot of close attention.

The first thing I did was insist that my husband learn everything about their food sensitivities and medications (someone was going to have to take over if I ever got the flu!) Once I felt confident that he could handle things, I had him stay with the kids all day while I was off doing something else. (It wasn't even something fun for me, I think I went to an all-day seminar for ADHD or something.) I just wanted to be someplace where I couldn't come home instantly and he would have to deal with whatever came up.

After one day of living my life, he became much, much more understanding. It didn't change his work schedule or what I did during the day. But it did change his expectations of what I could accomplish in a day; it did change his annoyance over what I never got around to doing. I was still dealing with the kids all day, but my attitude improved greatly just because my husband understood what it was like. Empathy goes a long way!!! Nothing really changed other than the tension. Well, that and he was more likely to give me a break for a couple of hours on the weekend he was home...

The thing I resented most was my husband's ability to leave the house whenever he wanted -- for his job, business dinners, business trips... Even if it was all work related, it was still freedom. I could never do that, everything required so much planning and packing (I think my right shoulder is permanently lower from the weight of the diaper bag!) Having just one afternoon or evening a month for me was enough. (Actually, it was enough just to go to the grocery store by myself.) I loved the ability to walk out of the house without arranging a babysitter and going over meds and bedtimes and meals. I loved not having to pack and drag along a 20 lb diaper bag.

I also had one spot in the house that was my oasis. My comfy chair, filled with pillows, that I could sink into and sip some soothing tea. No one else was allowed to sit there -- and when the kids were a bit older, they knew that they were not to disturb me while mom was having tea. It was my ten-minute escape. Some days required at least five of those mini-escapes, but I always felt a bit refreshed and ready to jump back into the demands of motherhood.

Be kind to yourself. Having three babies is stressful under the best of situations. Dealing with health issues for just one child is stressful -- I can't imagine the difficulty of three.

stringbean · Feb 28, 2011

My husband travels constantly, generally three weeks at a time eight times a year. He is in different time zones, travels to 10 countries in 20 days, has to eat weird foods... It is extremely demanding, so in general, I got very little sympathy when "all I had to do" was deal with two young hyperactive kids. They didn't require the level of care you are dealing with, but they had plenty of issues that required a lot of close attention.
 
 The first thing I did was insist that my husband learn everything about their food sensitivities and medications (someone was going to have to take over if I ever got the flu!) Once I felt confident that he could handle things, I had him stay with the kids all day while I was off doing something else. (It wasn't even something fun for me, I think I went to an all-day seminar for ADHD or something.) I just wanted to be someplace where I couldn't come home instantly and he would have to deal with whatever came up.
 
 After one day of living my life, he became much, much more understanding. It didn't change his work schedule or what I did during the day. But it did change his expectations of what I could accomplish in a day; it did change his annoyance over what I never got around to doing. I was still dealing with the kids all day, but my attitude improved greatly just because my husband understood what it was like. Empathy goes a long way!!! Nothing really changed other than the tension. Well, that and he was more likely to give me a break for a couple of hours on the weekend he was home...
 
 The thing I resented most was my husband's ability to leave the house whenever he wanted -- for his job, business dinners, business trips... Even if it was all work related, it was still freedom. I could never do that, everything required so much planning and packing (I think my right shoulder is permanently lower from the weight of the diaper bag!) Having just one afternoon or evening a month for me was enough. (Actually, it was enough just to go to the grocery store by myself.) I loved the ability to walk out of the house without arranging a babysitter and going over meds and bedtimes and meals. I loved not having to pack and drag along a 20 lb diaper bag.
 
 I also had one spot in the house that was my oasis. My comfy chair, filled with pillows, that I could sink into and sip some soothing tea. No one else was allowed to sit there -- and when the kids were a bit older, they knew that they were not to disturb me while mom was having tea. It was my ten-minute escape. Some days required at least five of those mini-escapes, but I always felt a bit refreshed and ready to jump back into the demands of motherhood.
 
 Be kind to yourself. Having three babies is stressful under the best of situations. Dealing with health issues for just one child is stressful -- I can't imagine the difficulty of three.

Printer · Feb 28, 2011

OK as a married man of over 48 years, let me jump in here. When hubby is home, he has to "man up". He has to find FREE TIME for you. If that means that you go to the movies while he stays home or if you get a babysitter so you can both go out together, so be it.

He may not believe it but he is not sharing the load.

You can tell him i said so.

Bill

Printer · Feb 28, 2011

OK as a married man of over 48 years, let me jump in here. When hubby is home, he has to "man up". He has to find FREE TIME for you. If that means that you go to the movies while he stays home or if you get a babysitter so you can both go out together, so be it.

He may not believe it but he is not sharing the load.

You can tell him i said so.

Bill

Printer · Feb 28, 2011

OK as a married man of over 48 years, let me jump in here. When hubby is home, he has to "man up". He has to find FREE TIME for you. If that means that you go to the movies while he stays home or if you get a babysitter so you can both go out together, so be it.
 
 He may not believe it but he is not sharing the load.
 
 You can tell him i said so.
 
 Bill

threebabies · Feb 28, 2011

Thank you so much for all the replies. Right now I am in therapy and he is probably going to join. My 3 year old is still recovering from an exacerbation. The boys are very active thankfully. However, they still have residual from their facial palsy they acuired when they were 2 months old. It was caused by a vitamin A deficientcy due to cf. In fact there was a study just published about them. That being said I am definitely going to utilize the advice. Again, thank you sooooo much this web site has been so helpful to me. By the way we are from New York.

Gina mom to Sophia 3, Peter and Gavin 20 months, df508& py849x

threebabies · Feb 28, 2011

Thank you so much for all the replies. Right now I am in therapy and he is probably going to join. My 3 year old is still recovering from an exacerbation. The boys are very active thankfully. However, they still have residual from their facial palsy they acuired when they were 2 months old. It was caused by a vitamin A deficientcy due to cf. In fact there was a study just published about them. That being said I am definitely going to utilize the advice. Again, thank you sooooo much this web site has been so helpful to me. By the way we are from New York.

Gina mom to Sophia 3, Peter and Gavin 20 months, df508& py849x

threebabies · Feb 28, 2011

Thank you so much for all the replies. Right now I am in therapy and he is probably going to join. My 3 year old is still recovering from an exacerbation. The boys are very active thankfully. However, they still have residual from their facial palsy they acuired when they were 2 months old. It was caused by a vitamin A deficientcy due to cf. In fact there was a study just published about them. That being said I am definitely going to utilize the advice. Again, thank you sooooo much this web site has been so helpful to me. By the way we are from New York.
 
 
 Gina mom to Sophia 3, Peter and Gavin 20 months, df508& py849x

Cerulean · Feb 28, 2011

I know what I am going to say is going to be controversial, but I have no respect nor can muster one iota of sympathy for someone who continues to have children after one child is born with CF.

Cerulean · Feb 28, 2011

I know what I am going to say is going to be controversial, but I have no respect nor can muster one iota of sympathy for someone who continues to have children after one child is born with CF.

Cerulean · Feb 28, 2011

I know what I am going to say is going to be controversial, but I have no respect nor can muster one iota of sympathy for someone who continues to have children after one child is born with CF.

boonetwins · Feb 28, 2011

I am 35 yrs old and I have Cystic Fibrosis. I can't tell you I know how you feel because my children do not have CF. But I have twins and 1 of them has Cerebral Palsey. My husband and I have been married for 16 years not all good. But he is my best friend and we have a great marriage now. You have to make time for each other a date night a few times a month is great. But the best thing we did was went to a church based marriage counsler. I know you feel the weight of the world is on you dealing with all the health "stuff". I felt the same way I did my therapy plus the therapy for our son it took a lot of time and I felt alone. Then I realized if my husband didn't work like he did we would not have the insurance that we were so blessed to have. I also realized that he wanted to help more I just needed to explain what help I needed in a way he understood. But put your marriage in Gods hands and he will help.

boonetwins · Feb 28, 2011

I am 35 yrs old and I have Cystic Fibrosis. I can't tell you I know how you feel because my children do not have CF. But I have twins and 1 of them has Cerebral Palsey. My husband and I have been married for 16 years not all good. But he is my best friend and we have a great marriage now. You have to make time for each other a date night a few times a month is great. But the best thing we did was went to a church based marriage counsler. I know you feel the weight of the world is on you dealing with all the health "stuff". I felt the same way I did my therapy plus the therapy for our son it took a lot of time and I felt alone. Then I realized if my husband didn't work like he did we would not have the insurance that we were so blessed to have. I also realized that he wanted to help more I just needed to explain what help I needed in a way he understood. But put your marriage in Gods hands and he will help.

boonetwins · Feb 28, 2011

I am 35 yrs old and I have Cystic Fibrosis. I can't tell you I know how you feel because my children do not have CF. But I have twins and 1 of them has Cerebral Palsey. My husband and I have been married for 16 years not all good. But he is my best friend and we have a great marriage now. You have to make time for each other a date night a few times a month is great. But the best thing we did was went to a church based marriage counsler. I know you feel the weight of the world is on you dealing with all the health "stuff". I felt the same way I did my therapy plus the therapy for our son it took a lot of time and I felt alone. Then I realized if my husband didn't work like he did we would not have the insurance that we were so blessed to have. I also realized that he wanted to help more I just needed to explain what help I needed in a way he understood. But put your marriage in Gods hands and he will help.

juls · Feb 28, 2011

I read here a lot, but don't usually post. However, a few responses on here are upsetting. I don't know the original poster's situation, but it is distressing that a few posters are jumping on her for having more than one child with CF. Her children are close in age and it is very possible the oldest was not diagnosed until after the younger ones were born.

That is what happened to us. Our older daughter was not diagnosed until she was 3. Our younger daughter was 2 months at the time and was subsequently diagnosed a few weeks later.

I would hate to think that people with more than one CF child are always assumed to have chosen that.

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