Marriage issues

[julie]

Cerulean,
<br />Check yourself dear, I'm neither self-righteous or hypocritical. If you gander a few posts back, you will see I asked the OP some questions because I am doing some research on assistance programs/opportunities in her state.
<br />My response did provide guidance for the OP and I will get some answers for her as soon as I hear back from NY Social health services.
<br />
<br />As for the 2nd portion of the fundamental concepts, you are right, that particular post to you definitely was not "on task". However, it was a kind request/reminder of what this forum is here for, and I didn't attack you personally or anything that you have been posting about thusfar. And an attempt to get this thread back "on task".
<br />
<br />There is nothing stopping you from starting your own thread about this topic, "rolling the dice" "taking the chance". It's been discussed before IN ITS OWN THREAD and actually with much civility. So if you have anything further to say about the matter, please, please do so on a thread you create regarding the topic. You are absolutely entitled to your own opinion, this is just not the appropriate thread in which to discuss it.

 

[mom2owen]

I just wanted to add my thoughts of encouragement. I do not have three children with CF (one is dx'ed with clinical CF and the other has other medical issues and, though unimportant to the point here, she was adopted) but what I CAN say is that I hardly ever liked my husband until my YOUNGEST was three! I know this does not help you today, with the struggles you face today. But my hope is that you might take comfort in knowing that, even though it is hard now (beyond what any of us can understand) things will get better when the kids get older, even with CF treatments. And, there are probably quite a few of us who can say that those young years are so terribly hard. There is no time for you, let alone each other. There seems to be a constant comparison of who is doing how much and yet it never seems to get done. But, that will pass one day. I wish I had more magical advice but I just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone even though you have it harder than most people I know. I will keep you in my thoughts and will be hoping you get through this time and come out stronger on the other side. Good luck and hugs to you...

 

[mom2owen]

I just wanted to add my thoughts of encouragement. I do not have three children with CF (one is dx'ed with clinical CF and the other has other medical issues and, though unimportant to the point here, she was adopted) but what I CAN say is that I hardly ever liked my husband until my YOUNGEST was three! I know this does not help you today, with the struggles you face today. But my hope is that you might take comfort in knowing that, even though it is hard now (beyond what any of us can understand) things will get better when the kids get older, even with CF treatments. And, there are probably quite a few of us who can say that those young years are so terribly hard. There is no time for you, let alone each other. There seems to be a constant comparison of who is doing how much and yet it never seems to get done. But, that will pass one day. I wish I had more magical advice but I just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone even though you have it harder than most people I know. I will keep you in my thoughts and will be hoping you get through this time and come out stronger on the other side. Good luck and hugs to you...

 

[mom2owen]

I just wanted to add my thoughts of encouragement. I do not have three children with CF (one is dx'ed with clinical CF and the other has other medical issues and, though unimportant to the point here, she was adopted) but what I CAN say is that I hardly ever liked my husband until my YOUNGEST was three! I know this does not help you today, with the struggles you face today. But my hope is that you might take comfort in knowing that, even though it is hard now (beyond what any of us can understand) things will get better when the kids get older, even with CF treatments. And, there are probably quite a few of us who can say that those young years are so terribly hard. There is no time for you, let alone each other. There seems to be a constant comparison of who is doing how much and yet it never seems to get done. But, that will pass one day. I wish I had more magical advice but I just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone even though you have it harder than most people I know. I will keep you in my thoughts and will be hoping you get through this time and come out stronger on the other side. Good luck and hugs to you...

 

[mcouch66]

James....

You REALLY need to talk with someone to resolve your anger issues! Who in this world do you think you are to resume the role of God and say who and how many children any person should or should NOT have. Any person who has has a child has a risk of having a less than "perfect" child reguardless if they carry a CF gene or not. I have a 20 year old son with CF and I can honestly tell you if I could turn back time and change anything I would NOT CHANGE A THING! I would be robbing myself of the biggest Blessing life has to offer! He is one of the two reasons I breathe. The other being his older brother. If my child with CF would have been my first born, I would have done it again. No doubt in my mind!

Please try NOT to be so bitter and find a way to love yourself. (You might want to suppress a little of that self pitty as well). Many people have struggles with the hand life has dealt them what matters is how they play the game!


Proud and Blessed mother of 20 year old son with CF who I love as big as the SKY!!!

 

[mcouch66]

James....

You REALLY need to talk with someone to resolve your anger issues! Who in this world do you think you are to resume the role of God and say who and how many children any person should or should NOT have. Any person who has has a child has a risk of having a less than "perfect" child reguardless if they carry a CF gene or not. I have a 20 year old son with CF and I can honestly tell you if I could turn back time and change anything I would NOT CHANGE A THING! I would be robbing myself of the biggest Blessing life has to offer! He is one of the two reasons I breathe. The other being his older brother. If my child with CF would have been my first born, I would have done it again. No doubt in my mind!

Please try NOT to be so bitter and find a way to love yourself. (You might want to suppress a little of that self pitty as well). Many people have struggles with the hand life has dealt them what matters is how they play the game!


Proud and Blessed mother of 20 year old son with CF who I love as big as the SKY!!!

 

[mcouch66]

James....
<br />
<br />You REALLY need to talk with someone to resolve your anger issues! Who in this world do you think you are to resume the role of God and say who and how many children any person should or should NOT have. Any person who has has a child has a risk of having a less than "perfect" child reguardless if they carry a CF gene or not. I have a 20 year old son with CF and I can honestly tell you if I could turn back time and change anything I would NOT CHANGE A THING! I would be robbing myself of the biggest Blessing life has to offer! He is one of the two reasons I breathe. The other being his older brother. If my child with CF would have been my first born, I would have done it again. No doubt in my mind!
<br />
<br />Please try NOT to be so bitter and find a way to love yourself. (You might want to suppress a little of that self pitty as well). Many people have struggles with the hand life has dealt them what matters is how they play the game!
<br />
<br />
<br />Proud and Blessed mother of 20 year old son with CF who I love as big as the SKY!!!

 

[mamaScarlett]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>mom2owen</b></i>

And, there are probably quite a few of us who can say that those young years are so terribly hard. There is no time for you, let alone each other. </end quote></div>

yes I think thats a good point. My almost 4 yr old was-I don't even know how to put it in words-but SO difficult from 2-3. (I come from a family of 9, and my hubby is one of 8-with all kinds of personalities, soft and easy and crazy difficult, and my mom and mil would both say my daughter was like having twins! very very challenging little person) But in the midst of the terrible 2's (or whatever you want to call them) it threw me for such a loop. I cried daily, tried everything, prayed, fought with my husband all the time, actually barely wanted to talk to him bc at the end of the day I had nothing left...All the while doing 2 hours a day of chest Pt, taking vitamins, shakes, exercising daily...Its just too much!
Finally my wonderful mil helped me to remember that this tiny portion of life when they are so small goes fast even though it feels like it will never end.
They will get to 4, 5, 6 yrs old, and be able to do things for themselves. My daughter can now get her own breakfast, watch a show and I can take a nice hot shower all alone!!! yea!!
But a year ago that just did not exist and I thought I would just never ever have it.
The point, this too shall pass. And in a few years you'll have 3 older kids, that even though they may still have their challenges, you'll get into your groove/schedule and there will be a flow to it all. And that will free up so much of you and your husband to have each other again.

 

[mamaScarlett]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>mom2owen</b></i>

And, there are probably quite a few of us who can say that those young years are so terribly hard. There is no time for you, let alone each other. </end quote>

yes I think thats a good point. My almost 4 yr old was-I don't even know how to put it in words-but SO difficult from 2-3. (I come from a family of 9, and my hubby is one of 8-with all kinds of personalities, soft and easy and crazy difficult, and my mom and mil would both say my daughter was like having twins! very very challenging little person) But in the midst of the terrible 2's (or whatever you want to call them) it threw me for such a loop. I cried daily, tried everything, prayed, fought with my husband all the time, actually barely wanted to talk to him bc at the end of the day I had nothing left...All the while doing 2 hours a day of chest Pt, taking vitamins, shakes, exercising daily...Its just too much!
Finally my wonderful mil helped me to remember that this tiny portion of life when they are so small goes fast even though it feels like it will never end.
They will get to 4, 5, 6 yrs old, and be able to do things for themselves. My daughter can now get her own breakfast, watch a show and I can take a nice hot shower all alone!!! yea!!
But a year ago that just did not exist and I thought I would just never ever have it.
The point, this too shall pass. And in a few years you'll have 3 older kids, that even though they may still have their challenges, you'll get into your groove/schedule and there will be a flow to it all. And that will free up so much of you and your husband to have each other again.

 

[mamaScarlett]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>mom2owen</b></i>
<br />
<br />And, there are probably quite a few of us who can say that those young years are so terribly hard. There is no time for you, let alone each other. </end quote>
<br />
<br />yes I think thats a good point. My almost 4 yr old was-I don't even know how to put it in words-but SO difficult from 2-3. (I come from a family of 9, and my hubby is one of 8-with all kinds of personalities, soft and easy and crazy difficult, and my mom and mil would both say my daughter was like having twins! very very challenging little person) But in the midst of the terrible 2's (or whatever you want to call them) it threw me for such a loop. I cried daily, tried everything, prayed, fought with my husband all the time, actually barely wanted to talk to him bc at the end of the day I had nothing left...All the while doing 2 hours a day of chest Pt, taking vitamins, shakes, exercising daily...Its just too much!
<br />Finally my wonderful mil helped me to remember that this tiny portion of life when they are so small goes fast even though it feels like it will never end.
<br />They will get to 4, 5, 6 yrs old, and be able to do things for themselves. My daughter can now get her own breakfast, watch a show and I can take a nice hot shower all alone!!! yea!!
<br />But a year ago that just did not exist and I thought I would just never ever have it.
<br />The point, this too shall pass. And in a few years you'll have 3 older kids, that even though they may still have their challenges, you'll get into your groove/schedule and there will be a flow to it all. And that will free up so much of you and your husband to have each other again.

 

[MaryamsMommy]

Wow I do not post often but I could not help myself this time. This poor mom was looking for support not someone to jump down her throat. People have the right to decide what they want as far as having children. Me Im already watching one child suffer, I would and could never do that to another child for my own "selfish" need to have more knowing the risk is real.But this is not for us to decide for others.Some people know they have the risk and decide to go for it. Maybe its the ones who have not had it so bad yet and think the next will be the same if it has CF. Who knows. I also have an issue with people sucking money from the government. If you know you already have a child with CF and need assistance medical or other from the government this is a real issue. 1st child fine and any other children that the status was unknown on. But if you keep having them after you know the risk that should be on you. going on Medical/caid state aid to pay medical expenses.. Just not ok if u have children knowing the clear risk. If you can afford to keep reproducing children with CF you can also afford to use medical advacements if you continue to have children that can decreese you chance of having a child with CF as long as there are no relgious issues. The technology is there through IVF. Expensive but no where near expensive as CF. I know alot of people will not agree with what Im saying but again its my opnion and I would never force my views on anyone. And I do my best to be supportive of anyone in need. The important thing is to be supportive of eachother. When people post a thread they post looking for answers,tips and even just a Im hear with you and feel your pain you are not alone. And nothing less...

Karen,

Mommy to Maryam 10 with CF

 

[MaryamsMommy]

Wow I do not post often but I could not help myself this time. This poor mom was looking for support not someone to jump down her throat. People have the right to decide what they want as far as having children. Me Im already watching one child suffer, I would and could never do that to another child for my own "selfish" need to have more knowing the risk is real.But this is not for us to decide for others.Some people know they have the risk and decide to go for it. Maybe its the ones who have not had it so bad yet and think the next will be the same if it has CF. Who knows. I also have an issue with people sucking money from the government. If you know you already have a child with CF and need assistance medical or other from the government this is a real issue. 1st child fine and any other children that the status was unknown on. But if you keep having them after you know the risk that should be on you. going on Medical/caid state aid to pay medical expenses.. Just not ok if u have children knowing the clear risk. If you can afford to keep reproducing children with CF you can also afford to use medical advacements if you continue to have children that can decreese you chance of having a child with CF as long as there are no relgious issues. The technology is there through IVF. Expensive but no where near expensive as CF. I know alot of people will not agree with what Im saying but again its my opnion and I would never force my views on anyone. And I do my best to be supportive of anyone in need. The important thing is to be supportive of eachother. When people post a thread they post looking for answers,tips and even just a Im hear with you and feel your pain you are not alone. And nothing less...

Karen,

Mommy to Maryam 10 with CF

 

[MaryamsMommy]

Wow I do not post often but I could not help myself this time. This poor mom was looking for support not someone to jump down her throat. People have the right to decide what they want as far as having children. Me Im already watching one child suffer, I would and could never do that to another child for my own "selfish" need to have more knowing the risk is real.But this is not for us to decide for others.Some people know they have the risk and decide to go for it. Maybe its the ones who have not had it so bad yet and think the next will be the same if it has CF. Who knows. I also have an issue with people sucking money from the government. If you know you already have a child with CF and need assistance medical or other from the government this is a real issue. 1st child fine and any other children that the status was unknown on. But if you keep having them after you know the risk that should be on you. going on Medical/caid state aid to pay medical expenses.. Just not ok if u have children knowing the clear risk. If you can afford to keep reproducing children with CF you can also afford to use medical advacements if you continue to have children that can decreese you chance of having a child with CF as long as there are no relgious issues. The technology is there through IVF. Expensive but no where near expensive as CF. I know alot of people will not agree with what Im saying but again its my opnion and I would never force my views on anyone. And I do my best to be supportive of anyone in need. The important thing is to be supportive of eachother. When people post a thread they post looking for answers,tips and even just a Im hear with you and feel your pain you are not alone. And nothing less...
<br />
<br />Karen,
<br />
<br />Mommy to Maryam 10 with CF

 

[JennifersHope]

I am usually hesitant to post on these type of topics. While the OP didn't ask for a judgment of what is wrong or right, all things need to be considered... would her marriage be in trouble if their was only one CF child to care for instead of three? I don't know most likely. I am not making judgements. I was told over 10 years ago that I had CF, within the past six months they have begun to question it and now swing all over the place with it.

I chose not to have children because of my "CF" and I certainly would not have a child knowing I could give them CF, that is my choice. I don't fault, blame or judge other people who do. I do think it is kind of not thinking of the child's best interest if you go ahead and try to conceive again, knowing the stakes are so high

For me, if I was healthy I would consider adoption.. Anyway, none of that matters, you have three amazing kids given to you by God. I would do what others say and try to get some outsourced help. TRy to spend more time on your marriage. CF takes so many things, don't let it take your marriage!!!

 

[JennifersHope]

I am usually hesitant to post on these type of topics. While the OP didn't ask for a judgment of what is wrong or right, all things need to be considered... would her marriage be in trouble if their was only one CF child to care for instead of three? I don't know most likely. I am not making judgements. I was told over 10 years ago that I had CF, within the past six months they have begun to question it and now swing all over the place with it.

I chose not to have children because of my "CF" and I certainly would not have a child knowing I could give them CF, that is my choice. I don't fault, blame or judge other people who do. I do think it is kind of not thinking of the child's best interest if you go ahead and try to conceive again, knowing the stakes are so high

For me, if I was healthy I would consider adoption.. Anyway, none of that matters, you have three amazing kids given to you by God. I would do what others say and try to get some outsourced help. TRy to spend more time on your marriage. CF takes so many things, don't let it take your marriage!!!

 

[JennifersHope]

I am usually hesitant to post on these type of topics. While the OP didn't ask for a judgment of what is wrong or right, all things need to be considered... would her marriage be in trouble if their was only one CF child to care for instead of three? I don't know most likely. I am not making judgements. I was told over 10 years ago that I had CF, within the past six months they have begun to question it and now swing all over the place with it.
<br />
<br />I chose not to have children because of my "CF" and I certainly would not have a child knowing I could give them CF, that is my choice. I don't fault, blame or judge other people who do. I do think it is kind of not thinking of the child's best interest if you go ahead and try to conceive again, knowing the stakes are so high
<br />
<br />For me, if I was healthy I would consider adoption.. Anyway, none of that matters, you have three amazing kids given to you by God. I would do what others say and try to get some outsourced help. TRy to spend more time on your marriage. CF takes so many things, don't let it take your marriage!!!

 

[SadiesMom]

I kind of don't feel like this is the proper place to be discussing this topic, but maybe just wanted to point out that she didn't say that she was trying to get pregnant again when she got pregnant again. Sometimes, even though you are really careful, and take precautions, things just happen. Just saying...and when they do, maybe terminating the pregnancy isn't easy for some people. Some people might be able to do that sort of thing without a second thought, but some people, no matter how much they weigh it; some people can't. For some people, even though it might make their life so much easier, it's not a decision that they can make. Certainly it would be the easiest way out, a lot easier than raising a child with an illness. It would definitely save years of heartache and worry and anger and fear. But how do you convince yourself that the child you are carrying doesn't deserve the chance to fight for life the way the first one did? Simply because the first time around you didn't know any better? How do you look at your first most beautiful, precious, wonderful, "sick" child and think "if I knew you were sick, you wouldn't be here"...when she's made everything in your life brighter and more amazing? Not to mention, the terrible guilt you'd have to live with if one of these medicines they are working on actually works. CF sucks, it totally sucks. Is it the worst thing in the world? I don't know. Are their parents out there that would take CF over what their kid has? Probably. Could it be better? Definitely! Could it be worse? Probably.

This is not a black and white issue, and unfortunately emotions do play a part in it. There are no easy answers, and really nothing is right or wrong, you do what you feel is right for your family and what you can live with. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it's a drain on society, maybe we should start screening everyone on the planet before we allow them to procreate in order to ensure that they will not give birth to diseased offspring (this concept vaguely reminds me of someone else's vision for a utopian society).

People will have their opinions, and they will feel the need to shout them loud and proud, but just cause you say it loudly or rudely or with contempt or anger or self-righteousness, it doesn't mean your right (or wrong, necessarily). There are just ways of expressing your opinion without being disrespectful or demeaning. Pretty much everyone who comes on here, comes for help or support with CF related stuff, because there are so few other places like this. Sometimes, if you don't have anything helpful to add, you don't have to add anything.

 

[SadiesMom]

I kind of don't feel like this is the proper place to be discussing this topic, but maybe just wanted to point out that she didn't say that she was trying to get pregnant again when she got pregnant again. Sometimes, even though you are really careful, and take precautions, things just happen. Just saying...and when they do, maybe terminating the pregnancy isn't easy for some people. Some people might be able to do that sort of thing without a second thought, but some people, no matter how much they weigh it; some people can't. For some people, even though it might make their life so much easier, it's not a decision that they can make. Certainly it would be the easiest way out, a lot easier than raising a child with an illness. It would definitely save years of heartache and worry and anger and fear. But how do you convince yourself that the child you are carrying doesn't deserve the chance to fight for life the way the first one did? Simply because the first time around you didn't know any better? How do you look at your first most beautiful, precious, wonderful, "sick" child and think "if I knew you were sick, you wouldn't be here"...when she's made everything in your life brighter and more amazing? Not to mention, the terrible guilt you'd have to live with if one of these medicines they are working on actually works. CF sucks, it totally sucks. Is it the worst thing in the world? I don't know. Are their parents out there that would take CF over what their kid has? Probably. Could it be better? Definitely! Could it be worse? Probably.

This is not a black and white issue, and unfortunately emotions do play a part in it. There are no easy answers, and really nothing is right or wrong, you do what you feel is right for your family and what you can live with. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it's a drain on society, maybe we should start screening everyone on the planet before we allow them to procreate in order to ensure that they will not give birth to diseased offspring (this concept vaguely reminds me of someone else's vision for a utopian society).

People will have their opinions, and they will feel the need to shout them loud and proud, but just cause you say it loudly or rudely or with contempt or anger or self-righteousness, it doesn't mean your right (or wrong, necessarily). There are just ways of expressing your opinion without being disrespectful or demeaning. Pretty much everyone who comes on here, comes for help or support with CF related stuff, because there are so few other places like this. Sometimes, if you don't have anything helpful to add, you don't have to add anything.

 

[SadiesMom]

I kind of don't feel like this is the proper place to be discussing this topic, but maybe just wanted to point out that she didn't say that she was trying to get pregnant again when she got pregnant again. Sometimes, even though you are really careful, and take precautions, things just happen. Just saying...and when they do, maybe terminating the pregnancy isn't easy for some people. Some people might be able to do that sort of thing without a second thought, but some people, no matter how much they weigh it; some people can't. For some people, even though it might make their life so much easier, it's not a decision that they can make. Certainly it would be the easiest way out, a lot easier than raising a child with an illness. It would definitely save years of heartache and worry and anger and fear. But how do you convince yourself that the child you are carrying doesn't deserve the chance to fight for life the way the first one did? Simply because the first time around you didn't know any better? How do you look at your first most beautiful, precious, wonderful, "sick" child and think "if I knew you were sick, you wouldn't be here"...when she's made everything in your life brighter and more amazing? Not to mention, the terrible guilt you'd have to live with if one of these medicines they are working on actually works. CF sucks, it totally sucks. Is it the worst thing in the world? I don't know. Are their parents out there that would take CF over what their kid has? Probably. Could it be better? Definitely! Could it be worse? Probably.
<br />
<br />This is not a black and white issue, and unfortunately emotions do play a part in it. There are no easy answers, and really nothing is right or wrong, you do what you feel is right for your family and what you can live with. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it's a drain on society, maybe we should start screening everyone on the planet before we allow them to procreate in order to ensure that they will not give birth to diseased offspring (this concept vaguely reminds me of someone else's vision for a utopian society).
<br />
<br />People will have their opinions, and they will feel the need to shout them loud and proud, but just cause you say it loudly or rudely or with contempt or anger or self-righteousness, it doesn't mean your right (or wrong, necessarily). There are just ways of expressing your opinion without being disrespectful or demeaning. Pretty much everyone who comes on here, comes for help or support with CF related stuff, because there are so few other places like this. Sometimes, if you don't have anything helpful to add, you don't have to add anything.

 

[Deb]

There are definitely varying degrees of CF, depending on the which defect you carry. Although in the end, it is a progressive disease that will get worse.

When I had my children there was no genetic testing available so we took a chance that my husband was not a carrier. Yes, we beat the odds and neither of my children has CF.

My children and my husband are everything to me and I truly believe that it is them that keep me diligent about taking care of myself and fighting this disease with everything I've got.

Whether or not someone decides to have children is a very personal decision that needs to be based on individual health, support, and physician oversight.

I hate to think that 50 years ago my mother would have been told to end her pregnancy because of the terrible life I would lead. I enjoy every day of life despite my disease. I am a college graduate, gainfully employed, happily married, mother of two fantastic adult children who happens to have CF. It is all of these other parts of me that sum up my life, not my disease.