Significant Others

[NoExcuses]

Another example of people who post and only want people to agree with them.

You asked if you should "be as hurt as I am."

If you didn't want your question answered, then I suggest not asking. If you want only responses that agree with you, I suggest that you specify that.

My point about my boyfriend is that he has a situation that he can't change. That doesn't mean that I can't wish his life was easier. Or more enjoyable. Which I think it would be if he was a citizen. From your 1st point, I got the feeling that your boyfriend simply wished u were healthier and therefore more active.

 

[Allie]

I have to think he meant that he wished you didn't have CF, but he doesn't love you any less because of it. I wished many times Ry didn't have CF, it got in the way of things, made our lives harder, and caused him tons of trouble. I wished often that he didn't have CF, but I didn't love him any less for having it.

Maybe he worded it poorly? I can't think he'd still be with you if he truly felt like you were less lvoeable for having it>

I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt *hug*

 

[Allie]

I have to think he meant that he wished you didn't have CF, but he doesn't love you any less because of it. I wished many times Ry didn't have CF, it got in the way of things, made our lives harder, and caused him tons of trouble. I wished often that he didn't have CF, but I didn't love him any less for having it.

Maybe he worded it poorly? I can't think he'd still be with you if he truly felt like you were less lvoeable for having it>

I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt *hug*

 

[Allie]

I have to think he meant that he wished you didn't have CF, but he doesn't love you any less because of it. I wished many times Ry didn't have CF, it got in the way of things, made our lives harder, and caused him tons of trouble. I wished often that he didn't have CF, but I didn't love him any less for having it.

Maybe he worded it poorly? I can't think he'd still be with you if he truly felt like you were less lvoeable for having it>

I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt *hug*

 

[coltsfan715]

Sue ,

I have this question for you. Does your boyfriend know much about CF and how it effects people? I ask because if he truly wishes you were more active and doesn't wish that you were simply able to be more active then it sounds like he does not fully understand what CF entails.

Not trying to stir the pot, just bringing up another thought. Maybe you need to have a talk with him about CF and how it is effecting you, if you haven't already.

Lindsey

 

[coltsfan715]

Sue ,

I have this question for you. Does your boyfriend know much about CF and how it effects people? I ask because if he truly wishes you were more active and doesn't wish that you were simply able to be more active then it sounds like he does not fully understand what CF entails.

Not trying to stir the pot, just bringing up another thought. Maybe you need to have a talk with him about CF and how it is effecting you, if you haven't already.

Lindsey

 

[coltsfan715]

Sue ,

I have this question for you. Does your boyfriend know much about CF and how it effects people? I ask because if he truly wishes you were more active and doesn't wish that you were simply able to be more active then it sounds like he does not fully understand what CF entails.

Not trying to stir the pot, just bringing up another thought. Maybe you need to have a talk with him about CF and how it is effecting you, if you haven't already.

Lindsey

 

[Pete]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>sue35</b></i>

I asked him (as a joke as we were watching Dancing with the Stars) if he ever wished I was more active. He immediately said yes and that there were a lot of things that he wished I could do with him but couldn't.

I just don't know what to do and if I should be as hurt as I am. </end quote></div>

I really don't think you should be upset at your man for giving you an honest answer to your question....by you getting unreasonably upset at him for his honesty you are teaching him to tell you what you WANT to hear...

As with ANYONE that can't do some of the things they could do otherwise, you sometimes wish that even just once you could experience it with the person you love...

If I went blind I'd miss looking at beauty with my partner, if I went deaf I'd miss listening to music with my partner etc etc I'm sure he doesn't blame you for the things that you are unable to do, but he has every right to THINK about some things he'd like to experience WITH you.

If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question...

And you shouldn't do anything apart from apologise to him.

Edited to add: I sometimes think about the fact that I can't have kids with my partner, especially when we visit friends who have them, but I blame her for that? no, do I wish to leave because of it? no, but I still have the right to think about it and my partner knows what the answer will be if she asks about it.

Maybe you should be honest with yourself and ask why you got so upset....because I know my partner sometimes gets the feeling that I would be better off with someone else because of some of the issues....lucky it's my choice eh?.

 

[Pete]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>sue35</b></i>

I asked him (as a joke as we were watching Dancing with the Stars) if he ever wished I was more active. He immediately said yes and that there were a lot of things that he wished I could do with him but couldn't.

I just don't know what to do and if I should be as hurt as I am. </end quote></div>

I really don't think you should be upset at your man for giving you an honest answer to your question....by you getting unreasonably upset at him for his honesty you are teaching him to tell you what you WANT to hear...

As with ANYONE that can't do some of the things they could do otherwise, you sometimes wish that even just once you could experience it with the person you love...

If I went blind I'd miss looking at beauty with my partner, if I went deaf I'd miss listening to music with my partner etc etc I'm sure he doesn't blame you for the things that you are unable to do, but he has every right to THINK about some things he'd like to experience WITH you.

If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question...

And you shouldn't do anything apart from apologise to him.

Edited to add: I sometimes think about the fact that I can't have kids with my partner, especially when we visit friends who have them, but I blame her for that? no, do I wish to leave because of it? no, but I still have the right to think about it and my partner knows what the answer will be if she asks about it.

Maybe you should be honest with yourself and ask why you got so upset....because I know my partner sometimes gets the feeling that I would be better off with someone else because of some of the issues....lucky it's my choice eh?.

 

[Pete]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>sue35</b></i>

I asked him (as a joke as we were watching Dancing with the Stars) if he ever wished I was more active. He immediately said yes and that there were a lot of things that he wished I could do with him but couldn't.

I just don't know what to do and if I should be as hurt as I am. </end quote></div>

I really don't think you should be upset at your man for giving you an honest answer to your question....by you getting unreasonably upset at him for his honesty you are teaching him to tell you what you WANT to hear...

As with ANYONE that can't do some of the things they could do otherwise, you sometimes wish that even just once you could experience it with the person you love...

If I went blind I'd miss looking at beauty with my partner, if I went deaf I'd miss listening to music with my partner etc etc I'm sure he doesn't blame you for the things that you are unable to do, but he has every right to THINK about some things he'd like to experience WITH you.

If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question...

And you shouldn't do anything apart from apologise to him.

Edited to add: I sometimes think about the fact that I can't have kids with my partner, especially when we visit friends who have them, but I blame her for that? no, do I wish to leave because of it? no, but I still have the right to think about it and my partner knows what the answer will be if she asks about it.

Maybe you should be honest with yourself and ask why you got so upset....because I know my partner sometimes gets the feeling that I would be better off with someone else because of some of the issues....lucky it's my choice eh?.

 

[Debi]

I am sorry your feelings were hurt, but I also thinkyou should be glad you have an honest boyfriend. I think it would be sadder to have him just give you platitudes and pretend away his thoughts. Don't YOU wish you could go dancing? I sure do. I wish I could go bicycling, hiking, backpacking, swimming. But I'm on oxygen 24/7 so I can't. My husband and I met playing tennis in college. He has often told me how much he misses playing tennis together. I miss it too. But I don't take it to mean he wishes he wasn't with me. It just means he misses something. It's not a deal breaker. It's just a thing we can't do together. But there are hundreds of other things we CAN do together, so that's what we do. We've done this for over 30 years, so I hope you can find some reassurance that his comments in no way need to doom your relationship.

It's also not to say you shouldn't feel sad about the situation. But if I could, I'd like to recommend that you focus more on both of you just missing the ability to dance like they do on dancing with the stars and not focus on him sharing his honest feelings.

Please don't shy away from expressing your feelings on the forum. Not everyone will agree with you, and you may not like what everyone says or how they say it. But most people aren't trying to be mean-spirited. I think sharing your feelings is one of the best ways to maximize your health. Stuffing them just sort of "poisons" your body. I do think we should all try to be kind in how we say things, but just because you run across one or two people who you feel don't express themselves with kindness - don't let them stop you from doing something that's good for you.

I have a lot of years of experience of living in a relationship where my husband and I both share our thoughts and feelings all the time. Trust me, the honesty is the glue that keeps us together and always comforts me. Give your boyfriend a hug and thank him for being honest. And you can still feel sad that you can't dance, and so can he. Then you can rejoice in the things you actually CAN do together.

 

[Debi]

I am sorry your feelings were hurt, but I also thinkyou should be glad you have an honest boyfriend. I think it would be sadder to have him just give you platitudes and pretend away his thoughts. Don't YOU wish you could go dancing? I sure do. I wish I could go bicycling, hiking, backpacking, swimming. But I'm on oxygen 24/7 so I can't. My husband and I met playing tennis in college. He has often told me how much he misses playing tennis together. I miss it too. But I don't take it to mean he wishes he wasn't with me. It just means he misses something. It's not a deal breaker. It's just a thing we can't do together. But there are hundreds of other things we CAN do together, so that's what we do. We've done this for over 30 years, so I hope you can find some reassurance that his comments in no way need to doom your relationship.

It's also not to say you shouldn't feel sad about the situation. But if I could, I'd like to recommend that you focus more on both of you just missing the ability to dance like they do on dancing with the stars and not focus on him sharing his honest feelings.

Please don't shy away from expressing your feelings on the forum. Not everyone will agree with you, and you may not like what everyone says or how they say it. But most people aren't trying to be mean-spirited. I think sharing your feelings is one of the best ways to maximize your health. Stuffing them just sort of "poisons" your body. I do think we should all try to be kind in how we say things, but just because you run across one or two people who you feel don't express themselves with kindness - don't let them stop you from doing something that's good for you.

I have a lot of years of experience of living in a relationship where my husband and I both share our thoughts and feelings all the time. Trust me, the honesty is the glue that keeps us together and always comforts me. Give your boyfriend a hug and thank him for being honest. And you can still feel sad that you can't dance, and so can he. Then you can rejoice in the things you actually CAN do together.

 

[Debi]

I am sorry your feelings were hurt, but I also thinkyou should be glad you have an honest boyfriend. I think it would be sadder to have him just give you platitudes and pretend away his thoughts. Don't YOU wish you could go dancing? I sure do. I wish I could go bicycling, hiking, backpacking, swimming. But I'm on oxygen 24/7 so I can't. My husband and I met playing tennis in college. He has often told me how much he misses playing tennis together. I miss it too. But I don't take it to mean he wishes he wasn't with me. It just means he misses something. It's not a deal breaker. It's just a thing we can't do together. But there are hundreds of other things we CAN do together, so that's what we do. We've done this for over 30 years, so I hope you can find some reassurance that his comments in no way need to doom your relationship.

It's also not to say you shouldn't feel sad about the situation. But if I could, I'd like to recommend that you focus more on both of you just missing the ability to dance like they do on dancing with the stars and not focus on him sharing his honest feelings.

Please don't shy away from expressing your feelings on the forum. Not everyone will agree with you, and you may not like what everyone says or how they say it. But most people aren't trying to be mean-spirited. I think sharing your feelings is one of the best ways to maximize your health. Stuffing them just sort of "poisons" your body. I do think we should all try to be kind in how we say things, but just because you run across one or two people who you feel don't express themselves with kindness - don't let them stop you from doing something that's good for you.

I have a lot of years of experience of living in a relationship where my husband and I both share our thoughts and feelings all the time. Trust me, the honesty is the glue that keeps us together and always comforts me. Give your boyfriend a hug and thank him for being honest. And you can still feel sad that you can't dance, and so can he. Then you can rejoice in the things you actually CAN do together.

 

[JazzysMom]

I think we tend to have certain expectations of responses to our questions. So when he answered truthfully it hurt you & I understand why. BUT lets me truthful.....there probably are things that he would like to do with you that he cant. Maybe he use to do them or maybe he wants to try it for the first time. I think its unrealistic for him not to have dreams of things he would like you & he to do. Did he say he resents you for the fact that you cant do alot of things together? Did he say he doesnt love you because of this? IF the answer is NO.....then just realize that he loves you so much that he wishes he could share the WORLD with you, but also accepts that sometimes you have to look at the map of the world instead of traveling it. Better for him to tell you the truth then to put up a total front!

 

[JazzysMom]

I think we tend to have certain expectations of responses to our questions. So when he answered truthfully it hurt you & I understand why. BUT lets me truthful.....there probably are things that he would like to do with you that he cant. Maybe he use to do them or maybe he wants to try it for the first time. I think its unrealistic for him not to have dreams of things he would like you & he to do. Did he say he resents you for the fact that you cant do alot of things together? Did he say he doesnt love you because of this? IF the answer is NO.....then just realize that he loves you so much that he wishes he could share the WORLD with you, but also accepts that sometimes you have to look at the map of the world instead of traveling it. Better for him to tell you the truth then to put up a total front!

 

[JazzysMom]

I think we tend to have certain expectations of responses to our questions. So when he answered truthfully it hurt you & I understand why. BUT lets me truthful.....there probably are things that he would like to do with you that he cant. Maybe he use to do them or maybe he wants to try it for the first time. I think its unrealistic for him not to have dreams of things he would like you & he to do. Did he say he resents you for the fact that you cant do alot of things together? Did he say he doesnt love you because of this? IF the answer is NO.....then just realize that he loves you so much that he wishes he could share the WORLD with you, but also accepts that sometimes you have to look at the map of the world instead of traveling it. Better for him to tell you the truth then to put up a total front!

 

[sue35]

Hi all-
Ok I realize from everyone's posts that i guess i was not specific. I did not get mad at him because he has every right to wish these things and he was honest which i like. I was hurt because I knew that he was right and it hurt me that CF has been getting in the way so much lately.

He has said that CF alters the way he looks at me and therefore he does not know if he can get close to me for a long time. I understand this and once again like his honesty. All I meant was that it really hurts to hear and I wondered if other people had said this and how you felt.

I was to restate that I was never mad at him and I did not post things wanting people to agree with me...it really was a yes or no question so if no one had said that to you then that is good.

So I don't feel that it is an example of a post where I wanted to hear certain things. It was similar to how lindsey said that there were times that she wishes she could do things with Kurt. i just wondered if others felt like that and it did affect their relationship.

Sorry if i wasn't clear and thanks for all the advice. Also, Donna I am sorry I called you Diane, I don't know where my head was<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[sue35]

Hi all-
Ok I realize from everyone's posts that i guess i was not specific. I did not get mad at him because he has every right to wish these things and he was honest which i like. I was hurt because I knew that he was right and it hurt me that CF has been getting in the way so much lately.

He has said that CF alters the way he looks at me and therefore he does not know if he can get close to me for a long time. I understand this and once again like his honesty. All I meant was that it really hurts to hear and I wondered if other people had said this and how you felt.

I was to restate that I was never mad at him and I did not post things wanting people to agree with me...it really was a yes or no question so if no one had said that to you then that is good.

So I don't feel that it is an example of a post where I wanted to hear certain things. It was similar to how lindsey said that there were times that she wishes she could do things with Kurt. i just wondered if others felt like that and it did affect their relationship.

Sorry if i wasn't clear and thanks for all the advice. Also, Donna I am sorry I called you Diane, I don't know where my head was<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[sue35]

Hi all-
Ok I realize from everyone's posts that i guess i was not specific. I did not get mad at him because he has every right to wish these things and he was honest which i like. I was hurt because I knew that he was right and it hurt me that CF has been getting in the way so much lately.

He has said that CF alters the way he looks at me and therefore he does not know if he can get close to me for a long time. I understand this and once again like his honesty. All I meant was that it really hurts to hear and I wondered if other people had said this and how you felt.

I was to restate that I was never mad at him and I did not post things wanting people to agree with me...it really was a yes or no question so if no one had said that to you then that is good.

So I don't feel that it is an example of a post where I wanted to hear certain things. It was similar to how lindsey said that there were times that she wishes she could do things with Kurt. i just wondered if others felt like that and it did affect their relationship.

Sorry if i wasn't clear and thanks for all the advice. Also, Donna I am sorry I called you Diane, I don't know where my head was<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[ess922]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>sue35</b></i>

He has said that CF alters the way he looks at me and therefore he does not know if he can get close to me for a long time. I understand this and once again like his honesty. All I meant was that it really hurts to hear and I wondered if other people had said this and how you felt.

Sue,

I'm pretty new to the site and mostly a lurker but I had to surface and comment on this. What you described that your boyfriend said (i've quoted it above) -- I think is really significant and its so understandable that it hurt to hear!!!

Do you understand what he meant by that statement? (not that you have to explain it here to the forum but do YOU know for yourself what he meant). I could read that any number of ways but I think it really bares serious discussion between you and him. You need to be 100% clear that you know what he meant by his statements. Thats the only way you can know how you truly feel about what he said.

What does he mean when he says CF alters how he looks at you? And, did he mean that he's not sure if he could ever get close to you long term or that it might take him longer to get close to you?

May I ask how long you have been together? I don't mean to assume anything about your relationship but these sound like comments that might be made earlier on in a relationship before he really understands YOU and CF. So he may still be having a hard time separating YOU from it. If that makes any sense...

My husband and I have been together for quite a few years (13 total and married for 8 of those years) and we have learned to discuss things VERY openly. But it was a process. It took us some time to be comfortable enough with ourselves and each other to really be able to talk about my having CF and each being able to share our feelings knowing the other would understand and (usually) not be hurt.

I'll also say that I did have a potential relationship with someone else (before my husband and I were together) that ended b/c he could not allow himself to be with me long term because of my having CF. He outright said he loved <i>me </i> but could not handle my having CF. And yes, that DID hurt!

You and your boyfriend need to talk these issues through so that you each understand where the other is coming from. If you find it hard to talk on your own, would you consider couples counseling? It could help...

Feel free to PM back if you'd to "talk" more about this -- if I can help in anyway. I know this stuff is really difficult to deal with!

All the best, Ellie