Significant Others

ess922 · Nov 2, 2006

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>Originally posted by: sue35

He has said that CF alters the way he looks at me and therefore he does not know if he can get close to me for a long time. I understand this and once again like his honesty. All I meant was that it really hurts to hear and I wondered if other people had said this and how you felt.

Sue,

I'm pretty new to the site and mostly a lurker but I had to surface and comment on this. What you described that your boyfriend said (i've quoted it above) -- I think is really significant and its so understandable that it hurt to hear!!!

Do you understand what he meant by that statement? (not that you have to explain it here to the forum but do YOU know for yourself what he meant). I could read that any number of ways but I think it really bares serious discussion between you and him. You need to be 100% clear that you know what he meant by his statements. Thats the only way you can know how you truly feel about what he said.

What does he mean when he says CF alters how he looks at you? And, did he mean that he's not sure if he could ever get close to you long term or that it might take him longer to get close to you?

May I ask how long you have been together? I don't mean to assume anything about your relationship but these sound like comments that might be made earlier on in a relationship before he really understands YOU and CF. So he may still be having a hard time separating YOU from it. If that makes any sense...

My husband and I have been together for quite a few years (13 total and married for 8 of those years) and we have learned to discuss things VERY openly. But it was a process. It took us some time to be comfortable enough with ourselves and each other to really be able to talk about my having CF and each being able to share our feelings knowing the other would understand and (usually) not be hurt.

I'll also say that I did have a potential relationship with someone else (before my husband and I were together) that ended b/c he could not allow himself to be with me long term because of my having CF. He outright said he loved me but could not handle my having CF. And yes, that DID hurt!

You and your boyfriend need to talk these issues through so that you each understand where the other is coming from. If you find it hard to talk on your own, would you consider couples counseling? It could help...

Feel free to PM back if you'd to "talk" more about this -- if I can help in anyway. I know this stuff is really difficult to deal with!

All the best, Ellie

ess922 · Nov 2, 2006

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>Originally posted by: sue35

He has said that CF alters the way he looks at me and therefore he does not know if he can get close to me for a long time. I understand this and once again like his honesty. All I meant was that it really hurts to hear and I wondered if other people had said this and how you felt.

Sue,

I'm pretty new to the site and mostly a lurker but I had to surface and comment on this. What you described that your boyfriend said (i've quoted it above) -- I think is really significant and its so understandable that it hurt to hear!!!

Do you understand what he meant by that statement? (not that you have to explain it here to the forum but do YOU know for yourself what he meant). I could read that any number of ways but I think it really bares serious discussion between you and him. You need to be 100% clear that you know what he meant by his statements. Thats the only way you can know how you truly feel about what he said.

What does he mean when he says CF alters how he looks at you? And, did he mean that he's not sure if he could ever get close to you long term or that it might take him longer to get close to you?

May I ask how long you have been together? I don't mean to assume anything about your relationship but these sound like comments that might be made earlier on in a relationship before he really understands YOU and CF. So he may still be having a hard time separating YOU from it. If that makes any sense...

My husband and I have been together for quite a few years (13 total and married for 8 of those years) and we have learned to discuss things VERY openly. But it was a process. It took us some time to be comfortable enough with ourselves and each other to really be able to talk about my having CF and each being able to share our feelings knowing the other would understand and (usually) not be hurt.

I'll also say that I did have a potential relationship with someone else (before my husband and I were together) that ended b/c he could not allow himself to be with me long term because of my having CF. He outright said he loved me but could not handle my having CF. And yes, that DID hurt!

You and your boyfriend need to talk these issues through so that you each understand where the other is coming from. If you find it hard to talk on your own, would you consider couples counseling? It could help...

Feel free to PM back if you'd to "talk" more about this -- if I can help in anyway. I know this stuff is really difficult to deal with!

All the best, Ellie

JazzysMom · Nov 2, 2006

I will repost since I didnt answer properly on my first reply. I cant really think of a time that my husband has ever said that. I have no doubt that he has felt it because its natural too & I know I have felt it. I can say that my daughter has said it & that breaks my heart more then if my husband ever said it. I guess its because CF is something we cant change unlike our hair color or even our boob size if push came to shove, but having to deal with a chronic illness is a lot different then preferring a blonde to a brunette.

JazzysMom · Nov 2, 2006

I will repost since I didnt answer properly on my first reply. I cant really think of a time that my husband has ever said that. I have no doubt that he has felt it because its natural too & I know I have felt it. I can say that my daughter has said it & that breaks my heart more then if my husband ever said it. I guess its because CF is something we cant change unlike our hair color or even our boob size if push came to shove, but having to deal with a chronic illness is a lot different then preferring a blonde to a brunette.

JazzysMom · Nov 2, 2006

I will repost since I didnt answer properly on my first reply. I cant really think of a time that my husband has ever said that. I have no doubt that he has felt it because its natural too & I know I have felt it. I can say that my daughter has said it & that breaks my heart more then if my husband ever said it. I guess its because CF is something we cant change unlike our hair color or even our boob size if push came to shove, but having to deal with a chronic illness is a lot different then preferring a blonde to a brunette.

Scarlett81 · Nov 2, 2006

I do understand why you were hurt by that. But, my feeling is that he was probably saying he wished you didn't have to deal with Cf. My husband has said many times to me-I wish I could take this from you, I wish I had it and not you, I wish you felt better so we could go out and party till 3 am, I know he wishes I had more energy. I mean, he's a human being, its normal for any spouse to feel that. I would think if he was unhappy with you-he wouldn't be with you in the first place.

Also, if he's young and has only been dealing with this for a few months or years, he has far to go in accepting your illness. That doesn't happen overnight.
Now, if he said it with anger or bitterness in his voice like you were being a baby, or selfish thats a whole different story. If its just that he wishes it was a little easier than I think that's normal.

As for feeling hurt by it, that's understandable. The times my hubby has said things like that, it has hurt me too and I've cried alot of tears wishing it was better. But its not b/c I question my relationship with him. Its b/c I know he's right-I do have limits and it hurts. I feel guilty sometimes b/c I know there's been times when I've held him back I'm sure-he'd never make me feel that way. But it still hurts. Maybe that's why you're upset, b/c what he says you wish too? I only say that b/c that's been my experience-maybe its not at all what you're feeling. But its just my thoughts.
Talk it out with him.

Scarlett81 · Nov 2, 2006

I do understand why you were hurt by that. But, my feeling is that he was probably saying he wished you didn't have to deal with Cf. My husband has said many times to me-I wish I could take this from you, I wish I had it and not you, I wish you felt better so we could go out and party till 3 am, I know he wishes I had more energy. I mean, he's a human being, its normal for any spouse to feel that. I would think if he was unhappy with you-he wouldn't be with you in the first place.

Also, if he's young and has only been dealing with this for a few months or years, he has far to go in accepting your illness. That doesn't happen overnight.
Now, if he said it with anger or bitterness in his voice like you were being a baby, or selfish thats a whole different story. If its just that he wishes it was a little easier than I think that's normal.

As for feeling hurt by it, that's understandable. The times my hubby has said things like that, it has hurt me too and I've cried alot of tears wishing it was better. But its not b/c I question my relationship with him. Its b/c I know he's right-I do have limits and it hurts. I feel guilty sometimes b/c I know there's been times when I've held him back I'm sure-he'd never make me feel that way. But it still hurts. Maybe that's why you're upset, b/c what he says you wish too? I only say that b/c that's been my experience-maybe its not at all what you're feeling. But its just my thoughts.
Talk it out with him.

Scarlett81 · Nov 2, 2006

I do understand why you were hurt by that. But, my feeling is that he was probably saying he wished you didn't have to deal with Cf. My husband has said many times to me-I wish I could take this from you, I wish I had it and not you, I wish you felt better so we could go out and party till 3 am, I know he wishes I had more energy. I mean, he's a human being, its normal for any spouse to feel that. I would think if he was unhappy with you-he wouldn't be with you in the first place.

Also, if he's young and has only been dealing with this for a few months or years, he has far to go in accepting your illness. That doesn't happen overnight.
Now, if he said it with anger or bitterness in his voice like you were being a baby, or selfish thats a whole different story. If its just that he wishes it was a little easier than I think that's normal.

As for feeling hurt by it, that's understandable. The times my hubby has said things like that, it has hurt me too and I've cried alot of tears wishing it was better. But its not b/c I question my relationship with him. Its b/c I know he's right-I do have limits and it hurts. I feel guilty sometimes b/c I know there's been times when I've held him back I'm sure-he'd never make me feel that way. But it still hurts. Maybe that's why you're upset, b/c what he says you wish too? I only say that b/c that's been my experience-maybe its not at all what you're feeling. But its just my thoughts.
Talk it out with him.

julie · Nov 2, 2006

no offense, but I can't believe he would say that. I suppose he's just being honest so give him credit for that, but still, that's a sensitive subject and shouldn't be answered lightly. I would be offended and hurt and would have cried if someone said something like that to me, especially if he just said "yes" and left it at that, didn't want to talk about it or anything.

I am with my husband knowing that there may be certain things we can't do...but I come with my own set of issues and I am in no place to wish something like that. (hope that makes sense).

However, there are other things I do wish like, I wish he'd put his clothes in the laundry hamper instead ofon the floor in the bathroom or on the floor BY the hamper. I wish he'd put the dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink..... but I don't wish for anything to change taht he has NO control over, like his health. I love him just how he is.

julie · Nov 2, 2006

no offense, but I can't believe he would say that. I suppose he's just being honest so give him credit for that, but still, that's a sensitive subject and shouldn't be answered lightly. I would be offended and hurt and would have cried if someone said something like that to me, especially if he just said "yes" and left it at that, didn't want to talk about it or anything.

I am with my husband knowing that there may be certain things we can't do...but I come with my own set of issues and I am in no place to wish something like that. (hope that makes sense).

However, there are other things I do wish like, I wish he'd put his clothes in the laundry hamper instead ofon the floor in the bathroom or on the floor BY the hamper. I wish he'd put the dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink..... but I don't wish for anything to change taht he has NO control over, like his health. I love him just how he is.

julie · Nov 2, 2006

no offense, but I can't believe he would say that. I suppose he's just being honest so give him credit for that, but still, that's a sensitive subject and shouldn't be answered lightly. I would be offended and hurt and would have cried if someone said something like that to me, especially if he just said "yes" and left it at that, didn't want to talk about it or anything.

I am with my husband knowing that there may be certain things we can't do...but I come with my own set of issues and I am in no place to wish something like that. (hope that makes sense).

However, there are other things I do wish like, I wish he'd put his clothes in the laundry hamper instead ofon the floor in the bathroom or on the floor BY the hamper. I wish he'd put the dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink..... but I don't wish for anything to change taht he has NO control over, like his health. I love him just how he is.

LisaV · Nov 2, 2006

"Don't ask questions you don't want answers to"

Even without CF I know better than to ask some folks if they would like it if I were more active or athletic. The sailors would all answer that they wish I could sail. The mountain climbers that I could climb. The dancers that I could dance (well, I can dance but just basic).

Any physically-active partner who is being honest will tell a less active partner that they wish they could do things together. I always wished that my late husband had been able to keep the abilities he had when I first met him (and he did too).

Did that mean I loved him less? Of course not.

LisaV · Nov 2, 2006

"Don't ask questions you don't want answers to"

Even without CF I know better than to ask some folks if they would like it if I were more active or athletic. The sailors would all answer that they wish I could sail. The mountain climbers that I could climb. The dancers that I could dance (well, I can dance but just basic).

Any physically-active partner who is being honest will tell a less active partner that they wish they could do things together. I always wished that my late husband had been able to keep the abilities he had when I first met him (and he did too).

Did that mean I loved him less? Of course not.

LisaV · Nov 2, 2006

"Don't ask questions you don't want answers to"

Even without CF I know better than to ask some folks if they would like it if I were more active or athletic. The sailors would all answer that they wish I could sail. The mountain climbers that I could climb. The dancers that I could dance (well, I can dance but just basic).

Any physically-active partner who is being honest will tell a less active partner that they wish they could do things together. I always wished that my late husband had been able to keep the abilities he had when I first met him (and he did too).

Did that mean I loved him less? Of course not.

CowTown · Nov 2, 2006

My reply is that I experienced this but never "asked". Over the past year my lung function dropped so much that it was impossible not to notice the difference in what I could and could not do. It took some adjusting and time to wrap our heads around, b/c it just wasn't me to not be able to do the activites my husband and I were used to doing with eachother. That being said, I never asked him "do you wish I could be more active" only b/c I wished I could be more active, so I assumed he would too - of course! It made me very sad to say the least, but there wasn't much I could do but hang on and hope I got better. This brought new conversations up for us though, and there were more about "can you handle this?" I also often told him that I didn't feel up to going skiing on Saturday or just going out anywhere but did tell him to "please go do those things without me b/c I didn't want to bring him down." I wanted him to continue enjoying stuff that i couldn't, which was my way of giving him a coping mechanism so that he could deal with less activity being around me. After that - I think its the sign. other's attitude and perspective on whether its okay. Not being able to do as much activities as before is one of the things we have to deal with, the CFer and the spouce/bf/gf. Things like that just take adjusting to and keeping a positive attitude.

I'm rambling now.

Good luck.

CowTown · Nov 2, 2006

My reply is that I experienced this but never "asked". Over the past year my lung function dropped so much that it was impossible not to notice the difference in what I could and could not do. It took some adjusting and time to wrap our heads around, b/c it just wasn't me to not be able to do the activites my husband and I were used to doing with eachother. That being said, I never asked him "do you wish I could be more active" only b/c I wished I could be more active, so I assumed he would too - of course! It made me very sad to say the least, but there wasn't much I could do but hang on and hope I got better. This brought new conversations up for us though, and there were more about "can you handle this?" I also often told him that I didn't feel up to going skiing on Saturday or just going out anywhere but did tell him to "please go do those things without me b/c I didn't want to bring him down." I wanted him to continue enjoying stuff that i couldn't, which was my way of giving him a coping mechanism so that he could deal with less activity being around me. After that - I think its the sign. other's attitude and perspective on whether its okay. Not being able to do as much activities as before is one of the things we have to deal with, the CFer and the spouce/bf/gf. Things like that just take adjusting to and keeping a positive attitude.

I'm rambling now.

Good luck.

CowTown · Nov 2, 2006

My reply is that I experienced this but never "asked". Over the past year my lung function dropped so much that it was impossible not to notice the difference in what I could and could not do. It took some adjusting and time to wrap our heads around, b/c it just wasn't me to not be able to do the activites my husband and I were used to doing with eachother. That being said, I never asked him "do you wish I could be more active" only b/c I wished I could be more active, so I assumed he would too - of course! It made me very sad to say the least, but there wasn't much I could do but hang on and hope I got better. This brought new conversations up for us though, and there were more about "can you handle this?" I also often told him that I didn't feel up to going skiing on Saturday or just going out anywhere but did tell him to "please go do those things without me b/c I didn't want to bring him down." I wanted him to continue enjoying stuff that i couldn't, which was my way of giving him a coping mechanism so that he could deal with less activity being around me. After that - I think its the sign. other's attitude and perspective on whether its okay. Not being able to do as much activities as before is one of the things we have to deal with, the CFer and the spouce/bf/gf. Things like that just take adjusting to and keeping a positive attitude.

I'm rambling now.

Good luck.

rebekahphillips · Nov 2, 2006

Your boyfriend just wants you to be better. I had this conversation with my ex boyfriend who is still my good friend. He just wants the best to you. Haven't you wished that someone you love will be better; stop drinking, or just do that one thing that will make it better for them.
Have you had many talks with your boyfriend? Are there ways you can do some activites?

rebekahphillips · Nov 2, 2006

Your boyfriend just wants you to be better. I had this conversation with my ex boyfriend who is still my good friend. He just wants the best to you. Haven't you wished that someone you love will be better; stop drinking, or just do that one thing that will make it better for them.
Have you had many talks with your boyfriend? Are there ways you can do some activites?

rebekahphillips · Nov 2, 2006

Your boyfriend just wants you to be better. I had this conversation with my ex boyfriend who is still my good friend. He just wants the best to you. Haven't you wished that someone you love will be better; stop drinking, or just do that one thing that will make it better for them.
Have you had many talks with your boyfriend? Are there ways you can do some activites?

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