Something a relative said to me at a wedding -- cried myself to sleep

W

welshwitch

Guest
Okay.....this happened a few months ago. I went to a wedding of a cousin. At the end, while we were saying goodbye to everyone, her dad said something like, "I'm glad you are still so healthy." For some reason this really set me off and I ended up crying myself to sleep that night (YES I had had several glasses of wine.....definitely contributed to this! In retrospect I completely OVERREACTED!)

I think I have an overly sensitive reaction to anytime anyone makes any mention of my health condition. In my family, we don't really discuss my CF that often, it's just something my family and extended family know about. I think what happens is, everytime someone makes a comment about it, I get defensive. Like, in my mind, people were expecting me to be dead by now.

Does this make any sense to anyone? I mean, of course I am glad he is glad I'm still so healthy...but the fact that my CF is in the back of people's minds and it takes several drinks for people to mention it....I seem to automatically feel incredibly ashamed and embarrassed and horrified that the idea that I wouldn't be healthy is something that members of my family were expecting. I'm more than just someone with a disease....why do I get so emotional about it when someone is just trying to be nice? (VEST)
 
W

welshwitch

Guest
Also, does anyone have any tips on how I can handle comments like this in the future?
 
P

Printer

Active member
I have never tried to keep my CF a secret. Everyone knows that I take a large amount of pills when I eat and they all know why I cough.

It is very normal for someone to say "Hi Bill, how are you feeling". I appreciate their interest in my health.

Welchwitch, in the future, say something like, thank you, I am feeling well, I appreciate your concern. (End of story).

Bill
 
S

sdeuber

Guest
don't beat yourself up! What I have found is that people do not know what to say to they try and they try so hard that whatever comes out of their mouth sounds awful. It is very hard for a person who isn't affected by CF, to "see" that we are sick. I think people would understand it better if there was a visual like a cast, or an amputated limb.
Either way, I would suggest to tell them what is happening now. Share your latest development with them, tell them what the CF foundation does, how they could contribute money-wise or volunteer-wise etc.
Get them busy with doing something rather than just commenting.
 
R

Rebjane

Super Moderator
Weddings can be emotional moments; that may have added to your feelings as well. I think the comment was only meant to be caring.

I am the Mom; not the one with CF. I have had to harden my exterior to some of the comments which have been insensitive. I dread the day when my daughter with CF will hear those comments.

Hugs to you!!!
 
J

jamest

Guest
I think your reaction is perfectly normal. In fact, I got angry reading that comment, it was a condescending thing for him to say. What that person said was insulting, for two reasons: using the word 'still' means that he thinks at some point you won't be healthy, and it is just a matter of time until it happens.

And two, he totally skimmed over everything else in your life to focus on your illness. He could have said 'glad you came to the wedding', 'glad you've been friends with my daughter for so long', 'glad you didn't get drunk and throw up everywhere' - instead he talks about your sickness with no prompting, meaning that is all he thinks of you - you are just a sick person, and everything you do in your life is despite that.

My approach is to never talk with normals about being sick, never bring it up, and ignore it if someone finds out. They will simply never understand.
 
A

anien2

New member
Weddings... weddings and alcohol can get our ghosts out of their box. Six months after my baby girl was diagnosed I went to a good friends' wedding. After lunch they put on the typical pictures of the couple since they were babies. I couldnt stop thinking if my baby was ever going to have those kind of pictures, or how would they look like, or if she could get to have a quality of life that would allow her to become an independent adult... Then I asked myself if I would ever get to dance with my daughter on her wedding day... I started crying and couldnt stop for the rest of the night. No one could understand why.

That was probably my worst day since we discovered CF.

Alcohol and that kind of events are not a good idea when you feel a bit low.
 
A

anien2

New member
jamest said:
I think your reaction is perfectly normal. In fact, I got angry reading that comment, it was a condescending thing for him to say. What that person said was insulting, for two reasons: using the word 'still' means that he thinks at some point you won't be healthy, and it is just a matter of time until it happens.

And two, he totally skimmed over everything else in your life to focus on your illness. He could have said 'glad you came to the wedding', 'glad you've been friends with my daughter for so long', 'glad you didn't get drunk and throw up everywhere' - instead he talks about your sickness with no prompting, meaning that is all he thinks of you - you are just a sick person, and everything you do in your life is despite that.

My approach is to never talk with normals about being sick, never bring it up, and ignore it if someone finds out. They will simply never understand.
Click to expand...

That's quite insulting too. (just joking)
 
R

running4life

New member
I'm going against the grain here and just brush it off. Don't take it so personally. She probably means well and if she doesn't, don't let people's opinions and thoughts get to you. This takes time and practice but you can do it. Be confident in you and yourself enough to not let their comments bother you. Accept today for what it is and be thankful for this day. Most people don't realize what they are saying or how it may impact you. Brush it off. Say thank you and move on.
 
N

nmw0615

New member
It can beside cult for people who don't have a disease to know what to say to a person who does. In my opinion, it sounds like you relative was trying to show a gratefulness that you're doing well. Could there have been a better way to go about it? There usually is. But it doesn't sound like it was meant in a negative way.

I've been getting "Man, you're still sick?" and I work to just brush the comments off and focus on the intention. As long as the intention is good, saying something like "thanks, I'm happy, too" and then transitioning into another topic could work to get the attention off the disease and on to a topic you prefer.
 
R

running4life

New member
I'm going against the grain here and just brush it off. Don't take it so personally. She probably means well and if she doesn't, don't let people's opinions and thoughts get to you. This takes time and practice but you can do it. Be confident in you and yourself enough to not let their comments bother you. Accept today for what it is and be thankful for this day. Most people don't realize what they are saying or how it may impact you. Brush it off. Say thank you and move on.
 
R

running4life

New member
I'm going against the grain here and just brush it off. Don't take it so personally. She probably means well and if she doesn't, don't let people's opinions and thoughts get to you. This takes time and practice but you can do it. Be confident in you and yourself enough to not let their comments bother you. Accept today for what it is and be thankful for this day. Most people don't realize what they are saying or how it may impact you. Brush it off. Say thank you and move on.
 
R

rubyroselee

New member
I know you and I are very similar when it comes to these situations and I can always relate to what you say, and this is no different. I also would take that comment a little more to heart than I should. I hate when people bring up my CF in a conversation, because quite honestly I don't want it to be part of the conversation at all. I like to be seen as normal and act like no one notices anything different about me. I know that's not always true, but I guess in my mind I like to think it's the truth. But just so you know, I understand how you're feeling and I would react very similarly to how you did.
 
I

Iamqueenofeverything

New member
I know his you feel. Others mean well but don't realize how they come across. Unfortunately these words stick with us and Alter relationships. I was trying to express my worries and concerns about transplant testing. My friend came across as being uncompassionate and point out all the things I was doing and thing was wrong and selfish. I'm not reaching out to her as a friend as much. I know ppl say brush it off and I can do that but words still hurt.
 
S

suziesmom

New member
To Welshwitch: I think the comment that your cousin's Dad made was meant to be a nice one, however I too would have taken that comment to another level and yes I would have cried! I do not have CF, my daughter does. She will be 24 at the beginning of next year. I do think that we all need to realize that people who are not in a situation do not know how to handle it or what to say, so they end up saying something that just does not sound good. I love what "gammaw" said! To tell him "I'm glad to see that you are doing so well too." My daughter always feels on the "outside" of everything. It does not help that she is bipolar as well. So.......... I get upset when people say something about someone who is rude to them "Geeez, he's probably bipolar!" It's amazing how things hurt when you are in a situation and others do not comprehend. You know what, welshwitch......... you are AWESOME, and a very very good and wonderful person. DO NOT LET THESE COMMENTS UPSET YOU. Instead, be the intelligent one. You have given me a new outlook on others. And that is, do not let these comments hurt!
 
A

Aboveallislove

Super Moderator
I'm so sorry that hurt so much. I think for everyone what folks say affects them differently. I guess when I read what he said what I heard was how much he loved you and I pictured him 30 some years ago, when you were born and then later when you were diagnosed and I think of your uncle weeping with his brother or sister over what the doctors had told them CF meant for their precious little girl. And that deep in his heart every day of your life he has been so grateful for your life--all of it and all of you--that he wanted you to know that. But what each of us feels and hears and needs differs and I know what hurts me is different than others but it still hurts like hell. And i'm so sorry for that. hugs.
 
J

Jet

Member
I have a close friend at work who is a physician. He suffers from depression. We were in a conversation about our various challenges once and he blurted out "life must be easy when you're suppose to be dead already." I could tell he instantly regretted the comment. I actually laughed very hard. I knew he didn't mean it and was just frustrated with his own situation. In a way he was right though. I try not to let the little things bug me and am thankful that've gotten this far.

I think most people are probably genuinely concerned about you and your health. I'd thank them and ask if they're in good health too.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top