THE CALL

Melissa75

Administrator
I am so sorry that you were given such tough children :-( You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Some things that we are given in this life, we have to just take and do the best we can. I am sure you have had to deal with CF in that manner your whole life. These kids don't fall into that category for you. You may want to send them back. How can you take what these kids are throwing at you (literally and figuratively) when you are sick.
Even children who have had a stable and loving home since day 1 can be rough, rude, ungrateful and hyperactive; but children who have only known chaos and instability are most likely going to be 100x worse. At the same time, I know there is a child or two out there for you who isn't destructive and overactive.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
 

Melissa75

Administrator
I am so sorry that you were given such tough children :-( You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Some things that we are given in this life, we have to just take and do the best we can. I am sure you have had to deal with CF in that manner your whole life. These kids don't fall into that category for you. You may want to send them back. How can you take what these kids are throwing at you (literally and figuratively) when you are sick.
Even children who have had a stable and loving home since day 1 can be rough, rude, ungrateful and hyperactive; but children who have only known chaos and instability are most likely going to be 100x worse. At the same time, I know there is a child or two out there for you who isn't destructive and overactive.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
 

Melissa75

Administrator
I am so sorry that you were given such tough children :-( You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Some things that we are given in this life, we have to just take and do the best we can. I am sure you have had to deal with CF in that manner your whole life. These kids don't fall into that category for you. You may want to send them back. How can you take what these kids are throwing at you (literally and figuratively) when you are sick.
Even children who have had a stable and loving home since day 1 can be rough, rude, ungrateful and hyperactive; but children who have only known chaos and instability are most likely going to be 100x worse. At the same time, I know there is a child or two out there for you who isn't destructive and overactive.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
 

Melissa75

Administrator
I am so sorry that you were given such tough children :-( You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Some things that we are given in this life, we have to just take and do the best we can. I am sure you have had to deal with CF in that manner your whole life. These kids don't fall into that category for you. You may want to send them back. How can you take what these kids are throwing at you (literally and figuratively) when you are sick.
Even children who have had a stable and loving home since day 1 can be rough, rude, ungrateful and hyperactive; but children who have only known chaos and instability are most likely going to be 100x worse. At the same time, I know there is a child or two out there for you who isn't destructive and overactive.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
 

Melissa75

Administrator
I am so sorry that you were given such tough children :-( You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Some things that we are given in this life, we have to just take and do the best we can. I am sure you have had to deal with CF in that manner your whole life. These kids don't fall into that category for you. You may want to send them back. How can you take what these kids are throwing at you (literally and figuratively) when you are sick.
<br />Even children who have had a stable and loving home since day 1 can be rough, rude, ungrateful and hyperactive; but children who have only known chaos and instability are most likely going to be 100x worse. At the same time, I know there is a child or two out there for you who isn't destructive and overactive.
<br />You are in my thoughts and prayers.
 

fondreflections

New member
Well, I more or less b*tched out the agency on a couple things...

<b>Firstly</b>, I DO believe they used us. For example, these children are from a surrounding county. Their other siblings were placed into the same county AND are receiving behavior and mental health services. I basically said, "Well, where the h*ll are the services that these boys are SUPPOSE to get!!!" For example, they are BOTH suppose to be receiving behavior and some type of "how to play properly and share" counciling. Also, the 4-year-old is suppose to be in speech and developmental counciling. SO WHERE THE H*LL IS IT!!! If they were to remain in the other county, their services were to start last week...Well, I'm still waiting and was advised that they wouldn't start until late November...????????

<b>Second</b>...They are suppose to come with state insurance. Well, the county they are in and the county that they came from DO NOT accept the same insurance. It MUST be changed in order for our county to accept. Well, of course, last Thursday, our second day, the older child vomited 10 times in 6 hours. I had to run him nearly 40 miles to the doctor in his old county!!! I was also advised that this won't be changed until late November...????????

<b>Third</b>, the other siblings ARE receiving their services so I GUESS THE SONS AREN'T AS IMPORTANT!!!

I blew a gasket and didn't hold back. The first court hearing is early November so I do think that they are figuring the boys will be returned. Thus, this is why they are dragging their feet. However, IT'S NO EXCUSE FOR THE BOYS TO BE NEGLECTED!!! NOR IS IT OKAY TO JUST LEAVE JAKE AND I STRUGGLE ALONG THE WAY!!!

Did they the agency take advantage of us...YES. That ticks me off too!!!

I did call my agency and said, "Either we get services started for these boys or else you need to find another home for them." They are determined to keep the boys with us, so fine, they better help us!!!! It sounded like to me MANY other families turned them down, AND WE WERE A LAST RESORT!!! Out-of-county, kicked out of 4 daycares, biting, and so on...

For now, I'm trying to regroup. Tuesday, Jake is off and Wednesday, they have their first appointment to see Mom AFTER having been removed which should be interesting...
 

fondreflections

New member
Well, I more or less b*tched out the agency on a couple things...

<b>Firstly</b>, I DO believe they used us. For example, these children are from a surrounding county. Their other siblings were placed into the same county AND are receiving behavior and mental health services. I basically said, "Well, where the h*ll are the services that these boys are SUPPOSE to get!!!" For example, they are BOTH suppose to be receiving behavior and some type of "how to play properly and share" counciling. Also, the 4-year-old is suppose to be in speech and developmental counciling. SO WHERE THE H*LL IS IT!!! If they were to remain in the other county, their services were to start last week...Well, I'm still waiting and was advised that they wouldn't start until late November...????????

<b>Second</b>...They are suppose to come with state insurance. Well, the county they are in and the county that they came from DO NOT accept the same insurance. It MUST be changed in order for our county to accept. Well, of course, last Thursday, our second day, the older child vomited 10 times in 6 hours. I had to run him nearly 40 miles to the doctor in his old county!!! I was also advised that this won't be changed until late November...????????

<b>Third</b>, the other siblings ARE receiving their services so I GUESS THE SONS AREN'T AS IMPORTANT!!!

I blew a gasket and didn't hold back. The first court hearing is early November so I do think that they are figuring the boys will be returned. Thus, this is why they are dragging their feet. However, IT'S NO EXCUSE FOR THE BOYS TO BE NEGLECTED!!! NOR IS IT OKAY TO JUST LEAVE JAKE AND I STRUGGLE ALONG THE WAY!!!

Did they the agency take advantage of us...YES. That ticks me off too!!!

I did call my agency and said, "Either we get services started for these boys or else you need to find another home for them." They are determined to keep the boys with us, so fine, they better help us!!!! It sounded like to me MANY other families turned them down, AND WE WERE A LAST RESORT!!! Out-of-county, kicked out of 4 daycares, biting, and so on...

For now, I'm trying to regroup. Tuesday, Jake is off and Wednesday, they have their first appointment to see Mom AFTER having been removed which should be interesting...
 

fondreflections

New member
Well, I more or less b*tched out the agency on a couple things...

<b>Firstly</b>, I DO believe they used us. For example, these children are from a surrounding county. Their other siblings were placed into the same county AND are receiving behavior and mental health services. I basically said, "Well, where the h*ll are the services that these boys are SUPPOSE to get!!!" For example, they are BOTH suppose to be receiving behavior and some type of "how to play properly and share" counciling. Also, the 4-year-old is suppose to be in speech and developmental counciling. SO WHERE THE H*LL IS IT!!! If they were to remain in the other county, their services were to start last week...Well, I'm still waiting and was advised that they wouldn't start until late November...????????

<b>Second</b>...They are suppose to come with state insurance. Well, the county they are in and the county that they came from DO NOT accept the same insurance. It MUST be changed in order for our county to accept. Well, of course, last Thursday, our second day, the older child vomited 10 times in 6 hours. I had to run him nearly 40 miles to the doctor in his old county!!! I was also advised that this won't be changed until late November...????????

<b>Third</b>, the other siblings ARE receiving their services so I GUESS THE SONS AREN'T AS IMPORTANT!!!

I blew a gasket and didn't hold back. The first court hearing is early November so I do think that they are figuring the boys will be returned. Thus, this is why they are dragging their feet. However, IT'S NO EXCUSE FOR THE BOYS TO BE NEGLECTED!!! NOR IS IT OKAY TO JUST LEAVE JAKE AND I STRUGGLE ALONG THE WAY!!!

Did they the agency take advantage of us...YES. That ticks me off too!!!

I did call my agency and said, "Either we get services started for these boys or else you need to find another home for them." They are determined to keep the boys with us, so fine, they better help us!!!! It sounded like to me MANY other families turned them down, AND WE WERE A LAST RESORT!!! Out-of-county, kicked out of 4 daycares, biting, and so on...

For now, I'm trying to regroup. Tuesday, Jake is off and Wednesday, they have their first appointment to see Mom AFTER having been removed which should be interesting...
 

fondreflections

New member
Well, I more or less b*tched out the agency on a couple things...

<b>Firstly</b>, I DO believe they used us. For example, these children are from a surrounding county. Their other siblings were placed into the same county AND are receiving behavior and mental health services. I basically said, "Well, where the h*ll are the services that these boys are SUPPOSE to get!!!" For example, they are BOTH suppose to be receiving behavior and some type of "how to play properly and share" counciling. Also, the 4-year-old is suppose to be in speech and developmental counciling. SO WHERE THE H*LL IS IT!!! If they were to remain in the other county, their services were to start last week...Well, I'm still waiting and was advised that they wouldn't start until late November...????????

<b>Second</b>...They are suppose to come with state insurance. Well, the county they are in and the county that they came from DO NOT accept the same insurance. It MUST be changed in order for our county to accept. Well, of course, last Thursday, our second day, the older child vomited 10 times in 6 hours. I had to run him nearly 40 miles to the doctor in his old county!!! I was also advised that this won't be changed until late November...????????

<b>Third</b>, the other siblings ARE receiving their services so I GUESS THE SONS AREN'T AS IMPORTANT!!!

I blew a gasket and didn't hold back. The first court hearing is early November so I do think that they are figuring the boys will be returned. Thus, this is why they are dragging their feet. However, IT'S NO EXCUSE FOR THE BOYS TO BE NEGLECTED!!! NOR IS IT OKAY TO JUST LEAVE JAKE AND I STRUGGLE ALONG THE WAY!!!

Did they the agency take advantage of us...YES. That ticks me off too!!!

I did call my agency and said, "Either we get services started for these boys or else you need to find another home for them." They are determined to keep the boys with us, so fine, they better help us!!!! It sounded like to me MANY other families turned them down, AND WE WERE A LAST RESORT!!! Out-of-county, kicked out of 4 daycares, biting, and so on...

For now, I'm trying to regroup. Tuesday, Jake is off and Wednesday, they have their first appointment to see Mom AFTER having been removed which should be interesting...
 

fondreflections

New member
Well, I more or less b*tched out the agency on a couple things...
<br />
<br /><b>Firstly</b>, I DO believe they used us. For example, these children are from a surrounding county. Their other siblings were placed into the same county AND are receiving behavior and mental health services. I basically said, "Well, where the h*ll are the services that these boys are SUPPOSE to get!!!" For example, they are BOTH suppose to be receiving behavior and some type of "how to play properly and share" counciling. Also, the 4-year-old is suppose to be in speech and developmental counciling. SO WHERE THE H*LL IS IT!!! If they were to remain in the other county, their services were to start last week...Well, I'm still waiting and was advised that they wouldn't start until late November...????????
<br />
<br /><b>Second</b>...They are suppose to come with state insurance. Well, the county they are in and the county that they came from DO NOT accept the same insurance. It MUST be changed in order for our county to accept. Well, of course, last Thursday, our second day, the older child vomited 10 times in 6 hours. I had to run him nearly 40 miles to the doctor in his old county!!! I was also advised that this won't be changed until late November...????????
<br />
<br /><b>Third</b>, the other siblings ARE receiving their services so I GUESS THE SONS AREN'T AS IMPORTANT!!!
<br />
<br />I blew a gasket and didn't hold back. The first court hearing is early November so I do think that they are figuring the boys will be returned. Thus, this is why they are dragging their feet. However, IT'S NO EXCUSE FOR THE BOYS TO BE NEGLECTED!!! NOR IS IT OKAY TO JUST LEAVE JAKE AND I STRUGGLE ALONG THE WAY!!!
<br />
<br />Did they the agency take advantage of us...YES. That ticks me off too!!!
<br />
<br />I did call my agency and said, "Either we get services started for these boys or else you need to find another home for them." They are determined to keep the boys with us, so fine, they better help us!!!! It sounded like to me MANY other families turned them down, AND WE WERE A LAST RESORT!!! Out-of-county, kicked out of 4 daycares, biting, and so on...
<br />
<br />For now, I'm trying to regroup. Tuesday, Jake is off and Wednesday, they have their first appointment to see Mom AFTER having been removed which should be interesting...
 

TestifyToLove

New member
Well, I disagree with Tom on this one. All the preparation in the world will not prepare you for these kids. On site training is how we all come into the full scope of the reality of hurting, older children.

I highly recommend you hit the ground running. First you are absolutely right that they need services. Shame on that agency for dropping the ball both on therapy and on their medical cards. Without support you won't make this work.

That said, what you are dealing with are 2 scared little toddlers. They do not understand what is happening to them, and yes it is all happening TO them because they cannot participate in what is happening. You are in the throes of toddler adoption. And, I keep swearing I am NOT doing toddler adoption again....and then taking 4-6 year olds with developmental delays so significant that I'm dealing with toddlers and not elem kids that their ages would imply.

I'd take older child adoption over toddler adoption any day of the week. I'm GOOD at older child adoption. I HATE toddler adoption.

So, where do you start? Lots of consistent boundaries. This phase is going to be exhausting. Establish a rule and a consequence. If they break the rule, follow through with the consequence every single time. This will absolutely mean you get to drag a kicking and screaming toddler who is trying to whip around and bite you through that consequence about a billion, gazillion times. It means when they start raging and turning violent you have a safety plan already in place and you put them somewhere safe. I had to put a portable crib in my dining room for M when he was at his worst. I would put him in there when he started raging, and I would leave him there until he stopped And, ftr, he would pee and poop and smear it everywhere for HOURS, but he was safe and everyone was safe from him.

Demand the boys be evaluated for physical, occupational and speech therapy. If they are too overwhelming, demand their case worker find daycare for at least a few hours during the day. Demand weekly respite so you can have an evening off to recover. They need behavioral therapy, and they may need both play therapy and attachment therapy.

I would recommend you read Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft. I would also recommend Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Grey and Parenting the Hurting Child by Gregory Keck. Get Love and Logic for the Early Years and start implementing the techniques. Read up on Nancy Thomas, mostly her stuff on Taming the Tiger While it is a Kitten versus her heavy stuff on serious attachment disorders.

Go to sites like www.radzebra.org www.attach-china.org www.a4everfamily.org www.attachment.org www.attach.org

Most of all, I promise you, it gets better. It doesn't feel like it day to day sometimes, but over long-term it gets better. Older kids, toddlers included, normally need 2 years to adjust and start to trust. Some need as much as 5 years to make the transition.

7 months ago, M was out of control and didn't obey a word I said. 5 months ago, he was attacking me violently daily. In September, I got rid of the portacrib I used to use on him when he was raging. Its been nearly a month since he attacked me now. Now, I send him to his bed when he starts to throw a temper tantrum and we rarely see raging. He sees his psychiatrist monthly, gets occupational therapy weekly and is being evaulated by speech services tomorrow. His attachment therapist is waiting until February to resume his attachment and trauma therapy so his OT can make a difference on his Sensory issues first.

But, Tom's right on one thing. This work is EXHAUSTING, physically and mentally. Its demoralizing to see what damage people will do to a CHILD. And, in 7 months, I've wanted to give up as many times as I've resolved to stick with this. There have been weeks so bad I ran away 2 and 3 times at night to escape dealing with him. And, at least a couple of days where I have shut down entirely and refused to mother any of the children because the effort was simply too much. Tom has seen all of this first hand and deeply concerned about me through this. This dance is between mother and child. And, its vital that Dad be able to support but not interfer. Dad can't do this dance for mom. The burden is on you to teach these boys that there is something safe, stable and strong in a world where nothing has been for them before.

If you want to do this, you can do this. But, not very well if you lack the proper support and education. And, there's no happy ending guaranteed on the other side of this.

If you want a listening ear, PM me. I'll be happy to give you my personal email and my phone number. I'v done this dance 3 times now, and I'm still standing here, fighting for the life of a little boy who is just starting to think maybe he does want me to fight for him. And yes, we are crazy. But, Tom and I realized a long tme ago, we do have the ability to stand in this gap for a few hurting children that no one else would do that for. And crazy or not, we don't give up once these kids enter our home, even M and all the challenges he has brought to our famly.

Just do understand that this will in fact take a HUGE toll on you. Your health will suffer tremendously for this effort and your soul will struggle for a long time as you continue this battle. If you are certain that is a price worth paying for these boys, then start arming yourself with the tools you need to succeed now.
 

TestifyToLove

New member
Well, I disagree with Tom on this one. All the preparation in the world will not prepare you for these kids. On site training is how we all come into the full scope of the reality of hurting, older children.

I highly recommend you hit the ground running. First you are absolutely right that they need services. Shame on that agency for dropping the ball both on therapy and on their medical cards. Without support you won't make this work.

That said, what you are dealing with are 2 scared little toddlers. They do not understand what is happening to them, and yes it is all happening TO them because they cannot participate in what is happening. You are in the throes of toddler adoption. And, I keep swearing I am NOT doing toddler adoption again....and then taking 4-6 year olds with developmental delays so significant that I'm dealing with toddlers and not elem kids that their ages would imply.

I'd take older child adoption over toddler adoption any day of the week. I'm GOOD at older child adoption. I HATE toddler adoption.

So, where do you start? Lots of consistent boundaries. This phase is going to be exhausting. Establish a rule and a consequence. If they break the rule, follow through with the consequence every single time. This will absolutely mean you get to drag a kicking and screaming toddler who is trying to whip around and bite you through that consequence about a billion, gazillion times. It means when they start raging and turning violent you have a safety plan already in place and you put them somewhere safe. I had to put a portable crib in my dining room for M when he was at his worst. I would put him in there when he started raging, and I would leave him there until he stopped And, ftr, he would pee and poop and smear it everywhere for HOURS, but he was safe and everyone was safe from him.

Demand the boys be evaluated for physical, occupational and speech therapy. If they are too overwhelming, demand their case worker find daycare for at least a few hours during the day. Demand weekly respite so you can have an evening off to recover. They need behavioral therapy, and they may need both play therapy and attachment therapy.

I would recommend you read Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft. I would also recommend Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Grey and Parenting the Hurting Child by Gregory Keck. Get Love and Logic for the Early Years and start implementing the techniques. Read up on Nancy Thomas, mostly her stuff on Taming the Tiger While it is a Kitten versus her heavy stuff on serious attachment disorders.

Go to sites like www.radzebra.org www.attach-china.org www.a4everfamily.org www.attachment.org www.attach.org

Most of all, I promise you, it gets better. It doesn't feel like it day to day sometimes, but over long-term it gets better. Older kids, toddlers included, normally need 2 years to adjust and start to trust. Some need as much as 5 years to make the transition.

7 months ago, M was out of control and didn't obey a word I said. 5 months ago, he was attacking me violently daily. In September, I got rid of the portacrib I used to use on him when he was raging. Its been nearly a month since he attacked me now. Now, I send him to his bed when he starts to throw a temper tantrum and we rarely see raging. He sees his psychiatrist monthly, gets occupational therapy weekly and is being evaulated by speech services tomorrow. His attachment therapist is waiting until February to resume his attachment and trauma therapy so his OT can make a difference on his Sensory issues first.

But, Tom's right on one thing. This work is EXHAUSTING, physically and mentally. Its demoralizing to see what damage people will do to a CHILD. And, in 7 months, I've wanted to give up as many times as I've resolved to stick with this. There have been weeks so bad I ran away 2 and 3 times at night to escape dealing with him. And, at least a couple of days where I have shut down entirely and refused to mother any of the children because the effort was simply too much. Tom has seen all of this first hand and deeply concerned about me through this. This dance is between mother and child. And, its vital that Dad be able to support but not interfer. Dad can't do this dance for mom. The burden is on you to teach these boys that there is something safe, stable and strong in a world where nothing has been for them before.

If you want to do this, you can do this. But, not very well if you lack the proper support and education. And, there's no happy ending guaranteed on the other side of this.

If you want a listening ear, PM me. I'll be happy to give you my personal email and my phone number. I'v done this dance 3 times now, and I'm still standing here, fighting for the life of a little boy who is just starting to think maybe he does want me to fight for him. And yes, we are crazy. But, Tom and I realized a long tme ago, we do have the ability to stand in this gap for a few hurting children that no one else would do that for. And crazy or not, we don't give up once these kids enter our home, even M and all the challenges he has brought to our famly.

Just do understand that this will in fact take a HUGE toll on you. Your health will suffer tremendously for this effort and your soul will struggle for a long time as you continue this battle. If you are certain that is a price worth paying for these boys, then start arming yourself with the tools you need to succeed now.
 

TestifyToLove

New member
Well, I disagree with Tom on this one. All the preparation in the world will not prepare you for these kids. On site training is how we all come into the full scope of the reality of hurting, older children.

I highly recommend you hit the ground running. First you are absolutely right that they need services. Shame on that agency for dropping the ball both on therapy and on their medical cards. Without support you won't make this work.

That said, what you are dealing with are 2 scared little toddlers. They do not understand what is happening to them, and yes it is all happening TO them because they cannot participate in what is happening. You are in the throes of toddler adoption. And, I keep swearing I am NOT doing toddler adoption again....and then taking 4-6 year olds with developmental delays so significant that I'm dealing with toddlers and not elem kids that their ages would imply.

I'd take older child adoption over toddler adoption any day of the week. I'm GOOD at older child adoption. I HATE toddler adoption.

So, where do you start? Lots of consistent boundaries. This phase is going to be exhausting. Establish a rule and a consequence. If they break the rule, follow through with the consequence every single time. This will absolutely mean you get to drag a kicking and screaming toddler who is trying to whip around and bite you through that consequence about a billion, gazillion times. It means when they start raging and turning violent you have a safety plan already in place and you put them somewhere safe. I had to put a portable crib in my dining room for M when he was at his worst. I would put him in there when he started raging, and I would leave him there until he stopped And, ftr, he would pee and poop and smear it everywhere for HOURS, but he was safe and everyone was safe from him.

Demand the boys be evaluated for physical, occupational and speech therapy. If they are too overwhelming, demand their case worker find daycare for at least a few hours during the day. Demand weekly respite so you can have an evening off to recover. They need behavioral therapy, and they may need both play therapy and attachment therapy.

I would recommend you read Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft. I would also recommend Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Grey and Parenting the Hurting Child by Gregory Keck. Get Love and Logic for the Early Years and start implementing the techniques. Read up on Nancy Thomas, mostly her stuff on Taming the Tiger While it is a Kitten versus her heavy stuff on serious attachment disorders.

Go to sites like www.radzebra.org www.attach-china.org www.a4everfamily.org www.attachment.org www.attach.org

Most of all, I promise you, it gets better. It doesn't feel like it day to day sometimes, but over long-term it gets better. Older kids, toddlers included, normally need 2 years to adjust and start to trust. Some need as much as 5 years to make the transition.

7 months ago, M was out of control and didn't obey a word I said. 5 months ago, he was attacking me violently daily. In September, I got rid of the portacrib I used to use on him when he was raging. Its been nearly a month since he attacked me now. Now, I send him to his bed when he starts to throw a temper tantrum and we rarely see raging. He sees his psychiatrist monthly, gets occupational therapy weekly and is being evaulated by speech services tomorrow. His attachment therapist is waiting until February to resume his attachment and trauma therapy so his OT can make a difference on his Sensory issues first.

But, Tom's right on one thing. This work is EXHAUSTING, physically and mentally. Its demoralizing to see what damage people will do to a CHILD. And, in 7 months, I've wanted to give up as many times as I've resolved to stick with this. There have been weeks so bad I ran away 2 and 3 times at night to escape dealing with him. And, at least a couple of days where I have shut down entirely and refused to mother any of the children because the effort was simply too much. Tom has seen all of this first hand and deeply concerned about me through this. This dance is between mother and child. And, its vital that Dad be able to support but not interfer. Dad can't do this dance for mom. The burden is on you to teach these boys that there is something safe, stable and strong in a world where nothing has been for them before.

If you want to do this, you can do this. But, not very well if you lack the proper support and education. And, there's no happy ending guaranteed on the other side of this.

If you want a listening ear, PM me. I'll be happy to give you my personal email and my phone number. I'v done this dance 3 times now, and I'm still standing here, fighting for the life of a little boy who is just starting to think maybe he does want me to fight for him. And yes, we are crazy. But, Tom and I realized a long tme ago, we do have the ability to stand in this gap for a few hurting children that no one else would do that for. And crazy or not, we don't give up once these kids enter our home, even M and all the challenges he has brought to our famly.

Just do understand that this will in fact take a HUGE toll on you. Your health will suffer tremendously for this effort and your soul will struggle for a long time as you continue this battle. If you are certain that is a price worth paying for these boys, then start arming yourself with the tools you need to succeed now.
 

TestifyToLove

New member
Well, I disagree with Tom on this one. All the preparation in the world will not prepare you for these kids. On site training is how we all come into the full scope of the reality of hurting, older children.

I highly recommend you hit the ground running. First you are absolutely right that they need services. Shame on that agency for dropping the ball both on therapy and on their medical cards. Without support you won't make this work.

That said, what you are dealing with are 2 scared little toddlers. They do not understand what is happening to them, and yes it is all happening TO them because they cannot participate in what is happening. You are in the throes of toddler adoption. And, I keep swearing I am NOT doing toddler adoption again....and then taking 4-6 year olds with developmental delays so significant that I'm dealing with toddlers and not elem kids that their ages would imply.

I'd take older child adoption over toddler adoption any day of the week. I'm GOOD at older child adoption. I HATE toddler adoption.

So, where do you start? Lots of consistent boundaries. This phase is going to be exhausting. Establish a rule and a consequence. If they break the rule, follow through with the consequence every single time. This will absolutely mean you get to drag a kicking and screaming toddler who is trying to whip around and bite you through that consequence about a billion, gazillion times. It means when they start raging and turning violent you have a safety plan already in place and you put them somewhere safe. I had to put a portable crib in my dining room for M when he was at his worst. I would put him in there when he started raging, and I would leave him there until he stopped And, ftr, he would pee and poop and smear it everywhere for HOURS, but he was safe and everyone was safe from him.

Demand the boys be evaluated for physical, occupational and speech therapy. If they are too overwhelming, demand their case worker find daycare for at least a few hours during the day. Demand weekly respite so you can have an evening off to recover. They need behavioral therapy, and they may need both play therapy and attachment therapy.

I would recommend you read Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft. I would also recommend Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Grey and Parenting the Hurting Child by Gregory Keck. Get Love and Logic for the Early Years and start implementing the techniques. Read up on Nancy Thomas, mostly her stuff on Taming the Tiger While it is a Kitten versus her heavy stuff on serious attachment disorders.

Go to sites like www.radzebra.org www.attach-china.org www.a4everfamily.org www.attachment.org www.attach.org

Most of all, I promise you, it gets better. It doesn't feel like it day to day sometimes, but over long-term it gets better. Older kids, toddlers included, normally need 2 years to adjust and start to trust. Some need as much as 5 years to make the transition.

7 months ago, M was out of control and didn't obey a word I said. 5 months ago, he was attacking me violently daily. In September, I got rid of the portacrib I used to use on him when he was raging. Its been nearly a month since he attacked me now. Now, I send him to his bed when he starts to throw a temper tantrum and we rarely see raging. He sees his psychiatrist monthly, gets occupational therapy weekly and is being evaulated by speech services tomorrow. His attachment therapist is waiting until February to resume his attachment and trauma therapy so his OT can make a difference on his Sensory issues first.

But, Tom's right on one thing. This work is EXHAUSTING, physically and mentally. Its demoralizing to see what damage people will do to a CHILD. And, in 7 months, I've wanted to give up as many times as I've resolved to stick with this. There have been weeks so bad I ran away 2 and 3 times at night to escape dealing with him. And, at least a couple of days where I have shut down entirely and refused to mother any of the children because the effort was simply too much. Tom has seen all of this first hand and deeply concerned about me through this. This dance is between mother and child. And, its vital that Dad be able to support but not interfer. Dad can't do this dance for mom. The burden is on you to teach these boys that there is something safe, stable and strong in a world where nothing has been for them before.

If you want to do this, you can do this. But, not very well if you lack the proper support and education. And, there's no happy ending guaranteed on the other side of this.

If you want a listening ear, PM me. I'll be happy to give you my personal email and my phone number. I'v done this dance 3 times now, and I'm still standing here, fighting for the life of a little boy who is just starting to think maybe he does want me to fight for him. And yes, we are crazy. But, Tom and I realized a long tme ago, we do have the ability to stand in this gap for a few hurting children that no one else would do that for. And crazy or not, we don't give up once these kids enter our home, even M and all the challenges he has brought to our famly.

Just do understand that this will in fact take a HUGE toll on you. Your health will suffer tremendously for this effort and your soul will struggle for a long time as you continue this battle. If you are certain that is a price worth paying for these boys, then start arming yourself with the tools you need to succeed now.
 

TestifyToLove

New member
Well, I disagree with Tom on this one. All the preparation in the world will not prepare you for these kids. On site training is how we all come into the full scope of the reality of hurting, older children.
<br />
<br />I highly recommend you hit the ground running. First you are absolutely right that they need services. Shame on that agency for dropping the ball both on therapy and on their medical cards. Without support you won't make this work.
<br />
<br />That said, what you are dealing with are 2 scared little toddlers. They do not understand what is happening to them, and yes it is all happening TO them because they cannot participate in what is happening. You are in the throes of toddler adoption. And, I keep swearing I am NOT doing toddler adoption again....and then taking 4-6 year olds with developmental delays so significant that I'm dealing with toddlers and not elem kids that their ages would imply.
<br />
<br />I'd take older child adoption over toddler adoption any day of the week. I'm GOOD at older child adoption. I HATE toddler adoption.
<br />
<br />So, where do you start? Lots of consistent boundaries. This phase is going to be exhausting. Establish a rule and a consequence. If they break the rule, follow through with the consequence every single time. This will absolutely mean you get to drag a kicking and screaming toddler who is trying to whip around and bite you through that consequence about a billion, gazillion times. It means when they start raging and turning violent you have a safety plan already in place and you put them somewhere safe. I had to put a portable crib in my dining room for M when he was at his worst. I would put him in there when he started raging, and I would leave him there until he stopped And, ftr, he would pee and poop and smear it everywhere for HOURS, but he was safe and everyone was safe from him.
<br />
<br />Demand the boys be evaluated for physical, occupational and speech therapy. If they are too overwhelming, demand their case worker find daycare for at least a few hours during the day. Demand weekly respite so you can have an evening off to recover. They need behavioral therapy, and they may need both play therapy and attachment therapy.
<br />
<br />I would recommend you read Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft. I would also recommend Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Grey and Parenting the Hurting Child by Gregory Keck. Get Love and Logic for the Early Years and start implementing the techniques. Read up on Nancy Thomas, mostly her stuff on Taming the Tiger While it is a Kitten versus her heavy stuff on serious attachment disorders.
<br />
<br />Go to sites like www.radzebra.org www.attach-china.org www.a4everfamily.org www.attachment.org www.attach.org
<br />
<br />Most of all, I promise you, it gets better. It doesn't feel like it day to day sometimes, but over long-term it gets better. Older kids, toddlers included, normally need 2 years to adjust and start to trust. Some need as much as 5 years to make the transition.
<br />
<br />7 months ago, M was out of control and didn't obey a word I said. 5 months ago, he was attacking me violently daily. In September, I got rid of the portacrib I used to use on him when he was raging. Its been nearly a month since he attacked me now. Now, I send him to his bed when he starts to throw a temper tantrum and we rarely see raging. He sees his psychiatrist monthly, gets occupational therapy weekly and is being evaulated by speech services tomorrow. His attachment therapist is waiting until February to resume his attachment and trauma therapy so his OT can make a difference on his Sensory issues first.
<br />
<br />But, Tom's right on one thing. This work is EXHAUSTING, physically and mentally. Its demoralizing to see what damage people will do to a CHILD. And, in 7 months, I've wanted to give up as many times as I've resolved to stick with this. There have been weeks so bad I ran away 2 and 3 times at night to escape dealing with him. And, at least a couple of days where I have shut down entirely and refused to mother any of the children because the effort was simply too much. Tom has seen all of this first hand and deeply concerned about me through this. This dance is between mother and child. And, its vital that Dad be able to support but not interfer. Dad can't do this dance for mom. The burden is on you to teach these boys that there is something safe, stable and strong in a world where nothing has been for them before.
<br />
<br />If you want to do this, you can do this. But, not very well if you lack the proper support and education. And, there's no happy ending guaranteed on the other side of this.
<br />
<br />If you want a listening ear, PM me. I'll be happy to give you my personal email and my phone number. I'v done this dance 3 times now, and I'm still standing here, fighting for the life of a little boy who is just starting to think maybe he does want me to fight for him. And yes, we are crazy. But, Tom and I realized a long tme ago, we do have the ability to stand in this gap for a few hurting children that no one else would do that for. And crazy or not, we don't give up once these kids enter our home, even M and all the challenges he has brought to our famly.
<br />
<br />Just do understand that this will in fact take a HUGE toll on you. Your health will suffer tremendously for this effort and your soul will struggle for a long time as you continue this battle. If you are certain that is a price worth paying for these boys, then start arming yourself with the tools you need to succeed now.
 

Kristen

New member
I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say I'm so sorry and big ((((HUGS)))) I hope it gets better very soon.
 

Kristen

New member
I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say I'm so sorry and big ((((HUGS)))) I hope it gets better very soon.
 

Kristen

New member
I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say I'm so sorry and big ((((HUGS)))) I hope it gets better very soon.
 

Kristen

New member
I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say I'm so sorry and big ((((HUGS)))) I hope it gets better very soon.
 

Kristen

New member
I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say I'm so sorry and big ((((HUGS)))) I hope it gets better very soon.
 
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