Whose with somebody and the parents throw insulting comments at you?

[Jeana]

<P>Hi there! Sometimes it's hard to give advice without enough information and it's also can be difficult to read someone's tone online. I think most of the responders were just trying to figure out your situation better and asking questions to understand more clearly. I am so glad that you are doing all of your treatments and helping out around the house. My first thought is that when you and your boyfriend are financially able I would definitely find someplace else to live. Do you have relatives on your side of the family that you could stay with in the meantime? </P>
<P>I find that my mother-in-law (who I love dearly) sometimes criticizes without realizing the amount of time that I spend doing treatments. I have just applied for disability and I think that she also disapproves of the fact that I am stopping work even though it is medically the best thing for me. I feel like people without cystic fibrosis don't always understand, even when they are trying to and love you. So if the boyfriend's mother (who may have decided she didn't want someone "sick" for her son) is not trying and doesn't love you, it will be more difficult to get along. As well, your boyfriend will most likely frequently be caught in the middle between his mother and you.</P>
<P>I wouldn't give up hope. But I would definitely try to find a new living situation. Keep up with the help around the house, so that your boyfriend can see that you are giving it your all. Is he helping, too? I hope so. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"></P>

 

[Jeana]

<P>Hi there! Sometimes it's hard to give advice without enough information and it's also can be difficult to read someone's tone online. I think most of the responders were just trying to figure out your situation better and asking questions to understand more clearly. I am so glad that you are doing all of your treatments and helping out around the house. My first thought is that when you and your boyfriend are financially able I would definitely find someplace else to live. Do you have relatives on your side of the family that you could stay with in the meantime? </P>
<P>I find that my mother-in-law (who I love dearly) sometimes criticizes without realizing the amount of time that I spend doing treatments. I have just applied for disability and I think that she also disapproves of the fact that I am stopping work even though it is medically the best thing for me. I feel like people without cystic fibrosis don't always understand, even when they are trying to and love you. So if the boyfriend's mother (who may have decided she didn't want someone "sick" for her son) is not trying and doesn't love you, it will be more difficult to get along. As well, your boyfriend will most likely frequently be caught in the middle between his mother and you.</P>
<P>I wouldn't give up hope. But I would definitely try to find a new living situation. Keep up with the help around the house, so that your boyfriend can see that you are giving it your all. Is he helping, too? I hope so. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"></P>

 

[TheAmazingBD]

My thoughts are such....if your man's mom is not compassionate or understanding, things may never change. I feel like 3.5 years is a long enough time for her to LEARN about you as a person, what CF means TO YOU and FOR YOU and if she feels like she can support your relationship with her son or if she is resentful, worried, annoyed, scared etc.

The last thing you need is stress from someone else' mother...which will only make you weaker and feel more ill.

I agree that maybe his mother's issue is much more deeeply rooted than you know?? It's very possible her issue with you, isn't even with YOU...but is projected onto you. Don't absorb that. If you love your man and want to work it out...you have to move out. End of story.

 

[TheAmazingBD]

My thoughts are such....if your man's mom is not compassionate or understanding, things may never change. I feel like 3.5 years is a long enough time for her to LEARN about you as a person, what CF means TO YOU and FOR YOU and if she feels like she can support your relationship with her son or if she is resentful, worried, annoyed, scared etc.

The last thing you need is stress from someone else' mother...which will only make you weaker and feel more ill.

I agree that maybe his mother's issue is much more deeeply rooted than you know?? It's very possible her issue with you, isn't even with YOU...but is projected onto you. Don't absorb that. If you love your man and want to work it out...you have to move out. End of story.

 

[kmaried]

Hi...<br>I totally understand where you are coming from, and I do have a similar problem with my in-laws. I totally admit that part of it is my fault. I don't lament how tough life with CF can be sometimes because I try to appear strong, and I think because of that in some ways, they expect more from me than I can deliver. For example, sometimes I'm late to a family event.<br>In my mind... I'm awesome. I feel like garbage, and I managed to get myself showered, dressed, and to the event. This shows how much I care.<br>In their mind... I'm late; therefore, I'm disrespectful and clearly don't care about the event.<br>Again, I think we're both guilty. They don't see my at my worst; feeling and looking sick; and maybe I should let them in on that a bit more. At the same time, when I do explain, they don't seem to really accept it.<br>My point is... is there anyway you can help her understand? Maybe take her to a clinic appt? Let her in a bit more to the CF world?<br>Good luck!!Kris

 

[kmaried]

Hi...<br>I totally understand where you are coming from, and I do have a similar problem with my in-laws. I totally admit that part of it is my fault. I don't lament how tough life with CF can be sometimes because I try to appear strong, and I think because of that in some ways, they expect more from me than I can deliver. For example, sometimes I'm late to a family event.<br>In my mind... I'm awesome. I feel like garbage, and I managed to get myself showered, dressed, and to the event. This shows how much I care.<br>In their mind... I'm late; therefore, I'm disrespectful and clearly don't care about the event.<br>Again, I think we're both guilty. They don't see my at my worst; feeling and looking sick; and maybe I should let them in on that a bit more. At the same time, when I do explain, they don't seem to really accept it.<br>My point is... is there anyway you can help her understand? Maybe take her to a clinic appt? Let her in a bit more to the CF world?<br>Good luck!!Kris

 

[beleache]

Hi Carly, <br>You may be doing everything right , but your bf's mother may not like you either for your health issues, you may not be good enough for her son (this happens to a lot of females , cf or no cf) or something else.. <br>She is probably annoyed & resents having to support both of you , but is taking it out on you cause her precious son can do no wrong lol<br>Dont let her get to you. Instead concentrate on getting out of there & into a happier environment !<br>I hope you & your bf can change your living arrangements so that you can live your own lives ! <br>Take care <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> joni

 

[beleache]

Hi Carly, <br>You may be doing everything right , but your bf's mother may not like you either for your health issues, you may not be good enough for her son (this happens to a lot of females , cf or no cf) or something else.. <br>She is probably annoyed & resents having to support both of you , but is taking it out on you cause her precious son can do no wrong lol<br>Dont let her get to you. Instead concentrate on getting out of there & into a happier environment !<br>I hope you & your bf can change your living arrangements so that you can live your own lives ! <br>Take care <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> joni

 

[cgerhardt]

When my husband and I were dating and getting more serious, (His sister had CF) My mother said to me "you better think about your future do you want to have childern with Cf" I told you don'tpick who you fall in love with and that didn't matter to me that I would not end my relationship with him because of what might happen. We have been together for 14 years and married for almost 9 years. We have 3 beautiful childern 2 with Atypical CF and waiting for the ambrey test to come back on my oldest. I love my husband and my kids. Before we had childern I had blood work done and I was negative for the most common mutations so we thought we were in the clear. My point is maybe your boyfriend needs to stand up to his mom and defend you as a person. You may never have a great relationship with her, I am sure she is scared for her son and his future. Keep up with helping around the house when you can. I also argree maybe she needs to be more educated on CF. I hope things get better for you.

 

[cgerhardt]

When my husband and I were dating and getting more serious, (His sister had CF) My mother said to me "you better think about your future do you want to have childern with Cf" I told you don'tpick who you fall in love with and that didn't matter to me that I would not end my relationship with him because of what might happen. We have been together for 14 years and married for almost 9 years. We have 3 beautiful childern 2 with Atypical CF and waiting for the ambrey test to come back on my oldest. I love my husband and my kids. Before we had childern I had blood work done and I was negative for the most common mutations so we thought we were in the clear. My point is maybe your boyfriend needs to stand up to his mom and defend you as a person. You may never have a great relationship with her, I am sure she is scared for her son and his future. Keep up with helping around the house when you can. I also argree maybe she needs to be more educated on CF. I hope things get better for you.

 

[JustDucky]

Carly, I'm so sorry that you are feeling this additional stress...I agree that people probably just wanted more information but it came out as criticism/ judgement. Your BF's mom is just probably stressed out, she has a son who isn't working who also happens to have a sick girl friend. It is probably easier for her to lash out at you than her own son. Does she ever speak to your BF the way she speaks to you? If it seems like she focuses on you, have a chat with her and ask her what is really the problem. Maybe she is also worried about your health status affecting her son, some people have a funny way of expressing these emotions. It is more than likely much more complex than what is seen on the surface, it usually is. Either way, you don't need this....once things stabilize (your BF gets a job and a steady income, I know you already get SSI) you really should move out and get a place of your own, sans this stress! It isn't good for your health or your morale. I also have a feeling that your relationship with his mother will probably improve once this happens. Hang in there, I really hope things get better for you. If you are doing stuff around the house, that should be enough. Don't push yourself to do more if you don't feel up to it, that also won't do you any good. Hugs, Jenn 40 w/CF

 

[JustDucky]

Carly, I'm so sorry that you are feeling this additional stress...I agree that people probably just wanted more information but it came out as criticism/ judgement. Your BF's mom is just probably stressed out, she has a son who isn't working who also happens to have a sick girl friend. It is probably easier for her to lash out at you than her own son. Does she ever speak to your BF the way she speaks to you? If it seems like she focuses on you, have a chat with her and ask her what is really the problem. Maybe she is also worried about your health status affecting her son, some people have a funny way of expressing these emotions. It is more than likely much more complex than what is seen on the surface, it usually is. Either way, you don't need this....once things stabilize (your BF gets a job and a steady income, I know you already get SSI) you really should move out and get a place of your own, sans this stress! It isn't good for your health or your morale. I also have a feeling that your relationship with his mother will probably improve once this happens. Hang in there, I really hope things get better for you. If you are doing stuff around the house, that should be enough. Don't push yourself to do more if you don't feel up to it, that also won't do you any good. Hugs, Jenn 40 w/CF

 

[Daisymae1997]

Some people will never get it. My mother will tell people I'm dying and then minutes later be mad because I don't want to do construction work after working an 8 hour shift on my feet. Those people are all about themselves. And if they are giving you anything, they feel they have control of you.

 

[Daisymae1997]

Some people will never get it. My mother will tell people I'm dying and then minutes later be mad because I don't want to do construction work after working an 8 hour shift on my feet. Those people are all about themselves. And if they are giving you anything, they feel they have control of you.

 

[shellbuggy]

I myself do not have CF, my daughter does, but I do have a mother-in-law. I have been with my husband of 15 yrs for a total of 20 years and things have not changed much. When I was working my butt off and my husband was unemployed.......I was still critized for "not doing enough". I have learned to accept it and understand that my Mother-in-law will never say anything to her baby. I believe that when she is rough on me, she is actually trying to get a point across to her son. Keep doing what you are doing. Do what helps you sleep at night with the understanding that it may never be good enough for others. You are in my prayers!!!!!

 

[shellbuggy]

I myself do not have CF, my daughter does, but I do have a mother-in-law. I have been with my husband of 15 yrs for a total of 20 years and things have not changed much. When I was working my butt off and my husband was unemployed.......I was still critized for "not doing enough". I have learned to accept it and understand that my Mother-in-law will never say anything to her baby. I believe that when she is rough on me, she is actually trying to get a point across to her son. Keep doing what you are doing. Do what helps you sleep at night with the understanding that it may never be good enough for others. You are in my prayers!!!!!

 

[Keepercjr]

One comment - you need to have a talk with your boyfriend! he needs to set some boundaries with his mom including how she speaks to you. His parents are his responsibility to deal with - and your parents are yours. If your wishes are not respected then you need to move out as soon as you 2 possibly can. And if he won't talk to her then there is a more serious problem in your relationship. As long as you are under her roof (especially rent free) she will feel that it is ok to tell you what to do. Can you move back home w/o your boyfriend for a little while till he finds a job to support you both? That way she won't feel like you aren't contributing and you can get a little rest w/o the stress of living there. Stress is very very bad for us and you having such a low FEV1 - you don't have much wiggle room.

I think I will always feel that I am not enough for my MIL. I know she absolutely loves me dearly (and I love her) but I still feel like she is silently criticizing me. My house isn't clean enough, I don't cook good enough, my children don't behave the way she expects, etc. My brother - in laws wife is about to file for divorce and I'm 100% positive that the blame for the relationship going sour is not on her precious son. I know a lot of the details and I would say the opposite is true (I am good friends with his wife). Luckily my mother in law tries her hardest to say out of our business and has never said anything rude or uncalled for to my face (or behind my back that I know of). My own mother on the other hand, while not rude is still trying to tell me what to do - I guess I will always be a child in her eyes. Sometimes I do have to remind her that not only am I an adult but I am 30!

 

[Keepercjr]

One comment - you need to have a talk with your boyfriend! he needs to set some boundaries with his mom including how she speaks to you. His parents are his responsibility to deal with - and your parents are yours. If your wishes are not respected then you need to move out as soon as you 2 possibly can. And if he won't talk to her then there is a more serious problem in your relationship. As long as you are under her roof (especially rent free) she will feel that it is ok to tell you what to do. Can you move back home w/o your boyfriend for a little while till he finds a job to support you both? That way she won't feel like you aren't contributing and you can get a little rest w/o the stress of living there. Stress is very very bad for us and you having such a low FEV1 - you don't have much wiggle room.

I think I will always feel that I am not enough for my MIL. I know she absolutely loves me dearly (and I love her) but I still feel like she is silently criticizing me. My house isn't clean enough, I don't cook good enough, my children don't behave the way she expects, etc. My brother - in laws wife is about to file for divorce and I'm 100% positive that the blame for the relationship going sour is not on her precious son. I know a lot of the details and I would say the opposite is true (I am good friends with his wife). Luckily my mother in law tries her hardest to say out of our business and has never said anything rude or uncalled for to my face (or behind my back that I know of). My own mother on the other hand, while not rude is still trying to tell me what to do - I guess I will always be a child in her eyes. Sometimes I do have to remind her that not only am I an adult but I am 30!

 

[mamaScarlett]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>cgerhardt</b></i> When my husband and I were dating and getting more serious, (His sister had CF) My mother said to me "you better think about your future do you want to have childern with Cf" I told you don'tpick who you fall in love with and that didn't matter to me that I would not end my relationship with him because of what might happen. We have been together for 14 years and married for almost 9 years. We have 3 beautiful childern 2 with Atypical CF and waiting for the ambrey test to come back on my oldest. I love my husband and my kids. Before we had childern I had blood work done and I was negative for the most common mutations so we thought we were in the clear. My point is maybe your boyfriend needs to stand up to his mom and defend you as a person. You may never have a great relationship with her, I am sure she is scared for her son and his future. Keep up with helping around the house when you can. I also argree maybe she needs to be more educated on CF. I hope things get better for you.</end quote>

I agree completely. This isn't your problem to fix-if you're doing everything you're saying that you're doing...then what else could you possibly do, but show in your actions with time that you are responsible. If its his mom, he should try to resolve it. He should speak up for you, or explain the situation best he can. You living there obviously doesn't help the situation though. We all have the tendency to criticize people we live in close proximity to. Everything is under a microscope.
Me and my hubby have been married 10 years, have 2 kids and his mom has seen me through all kids of bad situations...hospitalizations, surgeries, not being able to get pregnant when I wanted to...yet she STILL has unreasonable expectations at times! (example, wanting me to go to FL for a funeral when I'm 8 months pregnant) So, in time things may get better, but sometimes you just have to contend with this stuff with inlaws. Make the best of it. Mutual respect helps alot.

 

[mamaScarlett]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>cgerhardt</b></i> When my husband and I were dating and getting more serious, (His sister had CF) My mother said to me "you better think about your future do you want to have childern with Cf" I told you don'tpick who you fall in love with and that didn't matter to me that I would not end my relationship with him because of what might happen. We have been together for 14 years and married for almost 9 years. We have 3 beautiful childern 2 with Atypical CF and waiting for the ambrey test to come back on my oldest. I love my husband and my kids. Before we had childern I had blood work done and I was negative for the most common mutations so we thought we were in the clear. My point is maybe your boyfriend needs to stand up to his mom and defend you as a person. You may never have a great relationship with her, I am sure she is scared for her son and his future. Keep up with helping around the house when you can. I also argree maybe she needs to be more educated on CF. I hope things get better for you.</end quote>

I agree completely. This isn't your problem to fix-if you're doing everything you're saying that you're doing...then what else could you possibly do, but show in your actions with time that you are responsible. If its his mom, he should try to resolve it. He should speak up for you, or explain the situation best he can. You living there obviously doesn't help the situation though. We all have the tendency to criticize people we live in close proximity to. Everything is under a microscope.
Me and my hubby have been married 10 years, have 2 kids and his mom has seen me through all kids of bad situations...hospitalizations, surgeries, not being able to get pregnant when I wanted to...yet she STILL has unreasonable expectations at times! (example, wanting me to go to FL for a funeral when I'm 8 months pregnant) So, in time things may get better, but sometimes you just have to contend with this stuff with inlaws. Make the best of it. Mutual respect helps alot.