It took me awhile to read this post...cfboy, I am not going to judge you. You are obviously very angry, depressed....I think everyone with a life altering disease goes through that, I admittedly was in that state of mind a few years back. The thing is, either you remain that way, in your corner waiting for death to take you or you accept what has been dealt to you and you go on, living. I don't think that the folks who have given you advice are feeling sorry for themselves, I see that the majority are saying that they are chosing to live despite having CF despite being on a rocky road at times. Yeah, it does suck to have it...it sucks to have any disease that impacts one's life profoundly.
I am 35, diagnosed only almost 2 years ago..but I have been in and out of hospitals, on IV's, diagnosed CFRD....slipped through the cracks because I have several other disorders that the docs focused on, mainly my muscular dystrophy. It was by chance and a very good,observant doctor that I was finally diagnosed. I live on a vent to breathe. I am grateful that there is technology out there that can allow me to live longer, to see another day go by, to be with my children and tell them that I love them. I say this because if I had been born in the 50's, I would have died. I do happen to believe that one person can have an impact on many others. There is a reason for our existance, sometimes that does not become clear until we are older. I will admit that yes, I am an optimist...anyone who has known me, sees that quality right away. I am the type who will see good even when what seems hopeless events occurs in our lives. Hope....there is always hope. I know it is hard to feel that sometimes, especially when you are in pain, and you are suffering. Your mind can take only so much sometimes. It is healthy to feel gloomy or hopeless at times just as long as you don't stay there. When all you feel is hopelessness, then it is time for professional help. Please don't say that I want pity or someone to feel sorry for me because of my problems, that is not what my intentions are when I described myself above....I just want you to perhaps see what I do when I describe my will to live rather than to succumb to my illness.
As far as your question, if there was definite proof that there was a heaven, would I kill myself...I think you know that answer. No...I want to be here with my family, friends and children for as long as God has in mind for me, even if it means going into the hospital every few months, dealing with pain daily, going through the routines to keep me as healthy as possible, etc you get the point. It is totally worth it to me. I know I must take care of what I have because I do not qualify for a transplant due to several factors, so I believe that every day that I wake up with a pulse is a gift to me and my loved ones (actually, I believe that is true with everyone)
Cfboy, no, I don't know you or your situation or how severe your disease state is right now, there are so many factors that makes sthe way our mind think. That is why I say that I can not judge you...even if I knew your situation, I could only offer you what was on my mind and you would either take it with a grain of salt or think about it. Those are the choices when someone says something to you. I can tell you one thing, you really need to talk to a counselor, perhaps one at the center you go to about your feelings if you havent done so already. There is alot to life, I hope you see the beauty of it one day. You did reach out to us in this board and got several responses, what you do with them is up to you. I will keep you in my thoughts....Jenn <img src="i/expressions/rose.gif" border="0">