I left the hospital last week against my doctors advice. I wanted to be home and not in the hospital. I already mentioned before I don't wanna continue treatment. Everyone I talk about it don't really agree with my decision of course. Even my cousin felt so disappointed when he found out I stopped trying to treat my cf. It seems it just causes problems telling people I wanted to stop treatment. Now with my mom spending money and time doing this natural herbs thing. Telling her I wanna stop it is gonna be hard. She got mad yesterday when she saw I hadn't taken my morning vitamins and herbs. I am just tired of cf no matter what I do I get sick I can't goto college or work because it makes it so hard.
That and I suffer from depression and after two years of depression I practically give up now. I am tired of it all and depression don't make it easier. Nothing is more depressing then trying your best to gain weight and stay in college then to have failed because you caught a simple cold. I mean nobody understands why I wanna stop the treatment it feels like they don't to me. But I understand why they feel that way. It just I don't share the same outlook on life like them. Depression basically ruined it all for me, as of now. I been taking my anti depressants and doing this and that. But I always end up back to where I started sad and sick and lonely. I am sure if anyone here had depression you'd understand how hard it is. But after the past 2 years I just knew I couldn't take it anymore. I will admit I've had constant suicidal attempts over the past two years. It's embarrassing and my family and doctors treat me different because of the depression. With depression,diabetes,cf and all these stupid bad situations I end up in make it unbearable for me. If anyone read my previous topic my car is dead and I only have SSI as income I can't get it fixed and all this crazy stuff happens. It's just tooooooo much for me and people I meet in real life take advantage of my niceness and I get hurt. Then they are think I want some kind of sympathy they always do that when I first tell them about my disease. Then everything changes so yeah...I've been through a lot for 19 years and I am sure you guys have to if you have cf or have relatives/friends with cf.
I notice a lot of people on this site have children with cf. I remember when I was going to the childrens hospital at scottish rite all the adults that came to visit their children were so nice to me. I remember some of them would spend time with me in the playroom and stuff. My mom told me when I was younger a father of a newborn with cf came to my room and wanted to speak with me and my mom. I think he told my mom his newborn had cf and he came to see me I guess to know what his child would go through and he just broke down and cried I think. I don't remember it much because I was young. I could go on forever about all the stories and experiences I had in the hospital and stuff like that. But I try not to think about it because like I said I suffer from depression anyway and thinking about that stuff makes me sad.
Also amazes me at how many people on this site have children with cf. I mean watching their children get sick and be through a lot of stress. I don't know if I can relate to it since I don't have children and can't most likely. But it does make me sad. When I try to picture myself in their shoes it makes me sad. I don't wanna say this because it might hurt some people but. Those parents might have to bury their own children.
