Can't vs. Shouldn't

[wanderlost]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Allie</b></i>


I'm interested in marriage and society anyhow, but especially as it pertains to CF. And this: <div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>I have seen CFers rush into marriage because they felt like they had to beat the clock before the time ran out on their lifespan.</end quote></div> is something I see a lot of. Settling for "okay" so they can be married, and ending up in a bad or tepid marriage. That unsettles me. It's my experience that love doesn't really begin to fall into place until you let go of the idea of needing to be married. It didn't for me until I let the idea go.
.</end quote></div>

OK, but who do we know that has done this because of CF?
My personal situation, marriage and Cf had nothing to do with one another.
I think as a child I alwasys dreamed of becoming a mom and I think that Cf did have something to do wit that, but reality is I got pregnant with my first accidetnally....so you might argue a subconscious desire was fulfilled - but I digress, back to marriage -

have we had people post here who have admitted that they married only because the Cf clock was ticking? Do you know people IRL?
And at what point did they realize that that was what they had done? Was it a conscious decision like, "I better get married now before time runs out even if you aren't THE ONE?" or was it a retrospective thing, "This isn't working out, I guess I rushed into it for reasons other than love, etc.?"

 

[wanderlost]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Allie</b></i>


I'm interested in marriage and society anyhow, but especially as it pertains to CF. And this: <div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>I have seen CFers rush into marriage because they felt like they had to beat the clock before the time ran out on their lifespan.</end quote></div> is something I see a lot of. Settling for "okay" so they can be married, and ending up in a bad or tepid marriage. That unsettles me. It's my experience that love doesn't really begin to fall into place until you let go of the idea of needing to be married. It didn't for me until I let the idea go.
.</end quote></div>

OK, but who do we know that has done this because of CF?
My personal situation, marriage and Cf had nothing to do with one another.
I think as a child I alwasys dreamed of becoming a mom and I think that Cf did have something to do wit that, but reality is I got pregnant with my first accidetnally....so you might argue a subconscious desire was fulfilled - but I digress, back to marriage -

have we had people post here who have admitted that they married only because the Cf clock was ticking? Do you know people IRL?
And at what point did they realize that that was what they had done? Was it a conscious decision like, "I better get married now before time runs out even if you aren't THE ONE?" or was it a retrospective thing, "This isn't working out, I guess I rushed into it for reasons other than love, etc.?"

 

[Allie]

I hsve known Cf couples in real life, and it's painfully obvious in that case. Not saying that people without CF don't rush into marriage too, I jsut see it more often in the CF community. It's more often the second thing you described, where they realized that they have consideration for the person they married, but they don't really have the sort of love they had hoped for. It's a personal observation, taken over a while, you're free to disagree with it, I just don't.

 

[Allie]

I hsve known Cf couples in real life, and it's painfully obvious in that case. Not saying that people without CF don't rush into marriage too, I jsut see it more often in the CF community. It's more often the second thing you described, where they realized that they have consideration for the person they married, but they don't really have the sort of love they had hoped for. It's a personal observation, taken over a while, you're free to disagree with it, I just don't.

 

[Allie]

I hsve known Cf couples in real life, and it's painfully obvious in that case. Not saying that people without CF don't rush into marriage too, I jsut see it more often in the CF community. It's more often the second thing you described, where they realized that they have consideration for the person they married, but they don't really have the sort of love they had hoped for. It's a personal observation, taken over a while, you're free to disagree with it, I just don't.

 

[LisaV]

Rip was told he would die before he was 35.
Later he said he hoped that folks now were told that even though they might die young they shouldn't count on it.
Don't know if the fact that he divorced his first wife for his second around age 37 had any bearing on that thought but knowing the stories think it might have.
So would suggest choosing a mate you wouldn't mind growing old with....

 

[LisaV]

Rip was told he would die before he was 35.
Later he said he hoped that folks now were told that even though they might die young they shouldn't count on it.
Don't know if the fact that he divorced his first wife for his second around age 37 had any bearing on that thought but knowing the stories think it might have.
So would suggest choosing a mate you wouldn't mind growing old with....

 

[LisaV]

Rip was told he would die before he was 35.
Later he said he hoped that folks now were told that even though they might die young they shouldn't count on it.
Don't know if the fact that he divorced his first wife for his second around age 37 had any bearing on that thought but knowing the stories think it might have.
So would suggest choosing a mate you wouldn't mind growing old with....

 

[EnergyGal]

I am the kind of person if something feels right, I do it. It does not matter what is right with the rest of the world and what others think I should or should not do. We all have to make our own beds etc... I have learned that what I thought was right for me ten years ago, does not seem right for me today. There are so many scenarios and when we grow old, our values change.

I do believe there is no harm in trying anything out the first time around. I guess each person will find out what is best for them. I believe if we are attracted to something it is for a reason.

I have been motivated to do things and put all my energy into something to later find out I made a mistake. I definitely think CF/Transplant life motivated my desires to accomplish and complete a goal. I always learn from my mistakes. Regrets sometimes pop up but I remember I had to learn it the hard way.

YES, I felll into the idea of marriage rather than truly loving and feeling loved by my ex. My reason for marriage as I see it today was completely off base at the time. Thankfully we are not together and I found someone who has been committed to me for eleven years. Nothing in life is perfect as we all know.

Should of, would of, could of, but glad I did it.

 

[EnergyGal]

I am the kind of person if something feels right, I do it. It does not matter what is right with the rest of the world and what others think I should or should not do. We all have to make our own beds etc... I have learned that what I thought was right for me ten years ago, does not seem right for me today. There are so many scenarios and when we grow old, our values change.

I do believe there is no harm in trying anything out the first time around. I guess each person will find out what is best for them. I believe if we are attracted to something it is for a reason.

I have been motivated to do things and put all my energy into something to later find out I made a mistake. I definitely think CF/Transplant life motivated my desires to accomplish and complete a goal. I always learn from my mistakes. Regrets sometimes pop up but I remember I had to learn it the hard way.

YES, I felll into the idea of marriage rather than truly loving and feeling loved by my ex. My reason for marriage as I see it today was completely off base at the time. Thankfully we are not together and I found someone who has been committed to me for eleven years. Nothing in life is perfect as we all know.

Should of, would of, could of, but glad I did it.

 

[EnergyGal]

I am the kind of person if something feels right, I do it. It does not matter what is right with the rest of the world and what others think I should or should not do. We all have to make our own beds etc... I have learned that what I thought was right for me ten years ago, does not seem right for me today. There are so many scenarios and when we grow old, our values change.

I do believe there is no harm in trying anything out the first time around. I guess each person will find out what is best for them. I believe if we are attracted to something it is for a reason.

I have been motivated to do things and put all my energy into something to later find out I made a mistake. I definitely think CF/Transplant life motivated my desires to accomplish and complete a goal. I always learn from my mistakes. Regrets sometimes pop up but I remember I had to learn it the hard way.

YES, I felll into the idea of marriage rather than truly loving and feeling loved by my ex. My reason for marriage as I see it today was completely off base at the time. Thankfully we are not together and I found someone who has been committed to me for eleven years. Nothing in life is perfect as we all know.

Should of, would of, could of, but glad I did it.

 

[littledebbie]

On the can't vs shouldn't issue, I think I know what you mean. Sometimes it's tempting to DO something just to prove you can. Which is odd because it's not like there are actual people telling you you CAN'T it's just more something you feel I think..I digress. Sometimes you can push so hard to get something that somewhere along the way you quit evaluating at what cost you're achieving your goal and is it something you actually want that bad or are you a bit caught up in proving you can do it.

And I agree with the marriage example. This is a lot to deal with on your own and time sometimes does feel like the enemy (because it is). I don't think it's a concious decision anyone makes..."gee i have limited time and since this schmo has a ring and is willing I'll take him up on his offer so I can check this off my list of things to do and have a security blanket partner" But I do think it happens, particularly if it's a young woman who is hoping if they get this started early enough they can have a child, let's face it for most of us if we want to give birth we only have so much time in which we'll be healthy enough so you know..tick tock and <img src="i/expressions/musicnote.gif" border="0"> here comes the bride.

I have been enjoying this thread as well and also agree this is something that isn't talked about much as it does touch on sensitive issues.

 

[littledebbie]

On the can't vs shouldn't issue, I think I know what you mean. Sometimes it's tempting to DO something just to prove you can. Which is odd because it's not like there are actual people telling you you CAN'T it's just more something you feel I think..I digress. Sometimes you can push so hard to get something that somewhere along the way you quit evaluating at what cost you're achieving your goal and is it something you actually want that bad or are you a bit caught up in proving you can do it.

And I agree with the marriage example. This is a lot to deal with on your own and time sometimes does feel like the enemy (because it is). I don't think it's a concious decision anyone makes..."gee i have limited time and since this schmo has a ring and is willing I'll take him up on his offer so I can check this off my list of things to do and have a security blanket partner" But I do think it happens, particularly if it's a young woman who is hoping if they get this started early enough they can have a child, let's face it for most of us if we want to give birth we only have so much time in which we'll be healthy enough so you know..tick tock and <img src="i/expressions/musicnote.gif" border="0"> here comes the bride.

I have been enjoying this thread as well and also agree this is something that isn't talked about much as it does touch on sensitive issues.

 

[littledebbie]

On the can't vs shouldn't issue, I think I know what you mean. Sometimes it's tempting to DO something just to prove you can. Which is odd because it's not like there are actual people telling you you CAN'T it's just more something you feel I think..I digress. Sometimes you can push so hard to get something that somewhere along the way you quit evaluating at what cost you're achieving your goal and is it something you actually want that bad or are you a bit caught up in proving you can do it.

And I agree with the marriage example. This is a lot to deal with on your own and time sometimes does feel like the enemy (because it is). I don't think it's a concious decision anyone makes..."gee i have limited time and since this schmo has a ring and is willing I'll take him up on his offer so I can check this off my list of things to do and have a security blanket partner" But I do think it happens, particularly if it's a young woman who is hoping if they get this started early enough they can have a child, let's face it for most of us if we want to give birth we only have so much time in which we'll be healthy enough so you know..tick tock and <img src="i/expressions/musicnote.gif" border="0"> here comes the bride.

I have been enjoying this thread as well and also agree this is something that isn't talked about much as it does touch on sensitive issues.

 

[tleigh]

In light of the whole can't vs. shouldn't discussion-I wonder if sometimes we do things we shouldn't out of a sense of entitlement. "I was dealt a raw deal-so I 'owe' it to myself to do this"-all the while not really taking into consideration how it can or will hurt us or those around us.

 

[tleigh]

In light of the whole can't vs. shouldn't discussion-I wonder if sometimes we do things we shouldn't out of a sense of entitlement. "I was dealt a raw deal-so I 'owe' it to myself to do this"-all the while not really taking into consideration how it can or will hurt us or those around us.

 

[tleigh]

In light of the whole can't vs. shouldn't discussion-I wonder if sometimes we do things we shouldn't out of a sense of entitlement. "I was dealt a raw deal-so I 'owe' it to myself to do this"-all the while not really taking into consideration how it can or will hurt us or those around us.

 

[point]

I won't post in a very eloquent fashion - I am at work right now.

I just wanted to note that I definitely have moments in my life that I realize I need to be realistic about my disease when making decisions. Just the pure fact that I could choose something (profession, where I live, career goals, # of kids, where to live - miles from immediate friends and family who could help once we start having babies, ETC) that could eventually spread my life too thin and then not have time to take care of myself appropriately has the largest impact.

I don't know if CF'ers get married earlier and for the wrong reasons verses the general public. What would be considered too young? 12? Just joking. I think many people jump into marriage for many wrong reasons and/or they don't see marriage now as people saw it about 30 years ago - a lifelong commitment.

I appreciate this post be/c as we age (any maybe this is an age thing as well) - and we are living longer - it does become a balancing act to live a life while living through CF. Thanks for posting it.

 

[point]

I won't post in a very eloquent fashion - I am at work right now.

I just wanted to note that I definitely have moments in my life that I realize I need to be realistic about my disease when making decisions. Just the pure fact that I could choose something (profession, where I live, career goals, # of kids, where to live - miles from immediate friends and family who could help once we start having babies, ETC) that could eventually spread my life too thin and then not have time to take care of myself appropriately has the largest impact.

I don't know if CF'ers get married earlier and for the wrong reasons verses the general public. What would be considered too young? 12? Just joking. I think many people jump into marriage for many wrong reasons and/or they don't see marriage now as people saw it about 30 years ago - a lifelong commitment.

I appreciate this post be/c as we age (any maybe this is an age thing as well) - and we are living longer - it does become a balancing act to live a life while living through CF. Thanks for posting it.

 

[point]

I won't post in a very eloquent fashion - I am at work right now.

I just wanted to note that I definitely have moments in my life that I realize I need to be realistic about my disease when making decisions. Just the pure fact that I could choose something (profession, where I live, career goals, # of kids, where to live - miles from immediate friends and family who could help once we start having babies, ETC) that could eventually spread my life too thin and then not have time to take care of myself appropriately has the largest impact.

I don't know if CF'ers get married earlier and for the wrong reasons verses the general public. What would be considered too young? 12? Just joking. I think many people jump into marriage for many wrong reasons and/or they don't see marriage now as people saw it about 30 years ago - a lifelong commitment.

I appreciate this post be/c as we age (any maybe this is an age thing as well) - and we are living longer - it does become a balancing act to live a life while living through CF. Thanks for posting it.