When I think about death, I hate how life goes on and sometimes the lost one can become a fleeting thought or a lost memory. It seems so strange how when the person who dies fights at the end (or whatever happens), and the support group around feels for the dying person and then starts to transition to the people who will be left behind. Then once the person has died (and I apoligize if I sound insensitive, because that's not my intention) the focus of course goes to the one alive because you can't dwell forever on death, what's done is done. With all due respect for the ones still alive, it's seems so sad to me at times to think of how the people who have passed away become a memory. They don't have the ability to partake in life anymore and all of their loved ones move on. You have to move on, but how sad to think, when that time comes for me, my husband will have to move on, everyone I love will have to get a grip and move on from thinking about me being gone. They will need to put *me* behind them as much as possible in order to still live life. That concept gets me. There's just nothing nice about dying. I don't think our society does a lot for the dead. Seems the focus is for the living to forget and move on, rather than to keep the spirit of the dead alive and continue to cherish them. Maybe that's too much and invasive for our minds in order to keep living. I just don't want to be forgotten or replaced! That was a lot of a rambling....
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Dying...
- Thread starter anonymous
- Start date
When I think about death, I hate how life goes on and sometimes the lost one can become a fleeting thought or a lost memory. It seems so strange how when the person who dies fights at the end (or whatever happens), and the support group around feels for the dying person and then starts to transition to the people who will be left behind. Then once the person has died (and I apoligize if I sound insensitive, because that's not my intention) the focus of course goes to the one alive because you can't dwell forever on death, what's done is done. With all due respect for the ones still alive, it's seems so sad to me at times to think of how the people who have passed away become a memory. They don't have the ability to partake in life anymore and all of their loved ones move on. You have to move on, but how sad to think, when that time comes for me, my husband will have to move on, everyone I love will have to get a grip and move on from thinking about me being gone. They will need to put *me* behind them as much as possible in order to still live life. That concept gets me. There's just nothing nice about dying. I don't think our society does a lot for the dead. Seems the focus is for the living to forget and move on, rather than to keep the spirit of the dead alive and continue to cherish them. Maybe that's too much and invasive for our minds in order to keep living. I just don't want to be forgotten or replaced! That was a lot of a rambling....
I think they whisper because they're not really ready to accept that everyone has a coffin in their basement
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i think your whole world view changes once you accept that.
-lisav
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i think your whole world view changes once you accept that.
-lisav
I think they whisper because they're not really ready to accept that everyone has a coffin in their basement
<a target=new class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.newmobility.com/review_article3.cfm?id=198&action=browse&type=REG&order_id=new
">http://www.newmobility.com/review_article3.cfm?id=198&action=browse&type=REG&order_id=new
</a>
i think your whole world view changes once you accept that.
-lisav
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">http://www.newmobility.com/review_article3.cfm?id=198&action=browse&type=REG&order_id=new
</a>
i think your whole world view changes once you accept that.
-lisav
Lisa, that was a great article.
Kelly, I actually understand exactly what you're talking about. I struggle a lot with thinking people would rather forget Ry and move on. It's like people think "out of sight, out of mind" And often I feel pressured to do the same, although I'd rather keep him as much a part of my life as possible. As those who chat with me with any regularity can attest to, I often slip in and out of the present tense when talking about Ry. I know exactly how you feel, I cherish Ry's memory and people look at me as insane or dwelling. I don't know what the answer is....
Kelly, I actually understand exactly what you're talking about. I struggle a lot with thinking people would rather forget Ry and move on. It's like people think "out of sight, out of mind" And often I feel pressured to do the same, although I'd rather keep him as much a part of my life as possible. As those who chat with me with any regularity can attest to, I often slip in and out of the present tense when talking about Ry. I know exactly how you feel, I cherish Ry's memory and people look at me as insane or dwelling. I don't know what the answer is....
Lisa, that was a great article.
Kelly, I actually understand exactly what you're talking about. I struggle a lot with thinking people would rather forget Ry and move on. It's like people think "out of sight, out of mind" And often I feel pressured to do the same, although I'd rather keep him as much a part of my life as possible. As those who chat with me with any regularity can attest to, I often slip in and out of the present tense when talking about Ry. I know exactly how you feel, I cherish Ry's memory and people look at me as insane or dwelling. I don't know what the answer is....
Kelly, I actually understand exactly what you're talking about. I struggle a lot with thinking people would rather forget Ry and move on. It's like people think "out of sight, out of mind" And often I feel pressured to do the same, although I'd rather keep him as much a part of my life as possible. As those who chat with me with any regularity can attest to, I often slip in and out of the present tense when talking about Ry. I know exactly how you feel, I cherish Ry's memory and people look at me as insane or dwelling. I don't know what the answer is....
Allie,
I'm not sure what the answer is either. But my biological family members were great story tellers, so I think that's why I like Harriet McBryde Johson so much.
My plan (and present behavior) is to tell lots and lots of Rip stories. For years I've been telling all my family's stories. (Even can tell my grandfather's stories and my exhusbands stories.)
I'm not real sure what my daughter and friends think about all this story telling (they might moan about it behind my back), but their public behavior is to smile/laugh/whatever.
I've always enjoyed a good story at the right time. I think lots of other people do too. It keeps the continuity in our lives. Your daughter will like that. New friends that you make will like that too - they'll want to know what you were like before you met them - what made you the wonderful woman you are today.
Keeping you in my heart,
LisaV
I'm not sure what the answer is either. But my biological family members were great story tellers, so I think that's why I like Harriet McBryde Johson so much.
My plan (and present behavior) is to tell lots and lots of Rip stories. For years I've been telling all my family's stories. (Even can tell my grandfather's stories and my exhusbands stories.)
I'm not real sure what my daughter and friends think about all this story telling (they might moan about it behind my back), but their public behavior is to smile/laugh/whatever.
I've always enjoyed a good story at the right time. I think lots of other people do too. It keeps the continuity in our lives. Your daughter will like that. New friends that you make will like that too - they'll want to know what you were like before you met them - what made you the wonderful woman you are today.
Keeping you in my heart,
LisaV
Allie,
I'm not sure what the answer is either. But my biological family members were great story tellers, so I think that's why I like Harriet McBryde Johson so much.
My plan (and present behavior) is to tell lots and lots of Rip stories. For years I've been telling all my family's stories. (Even can tell my grandfather's stories and my exhusbands stories.)
I'm not real sure what my daughter and friends think about all this story telling (they might moan about it behind my back), but their public behavior is to smile/laugh/whatever.
I've always enjoyed a good story at the right time. I think lots of other people do too. It keeps the continuity in our lives. Your daughter will like that. New friends that you make will like that too - they'll want to know what you were like before you met them - what made you the wonderful woman you are today.
Keeping you in my heart,
LisaV
I'm not sure what the answer is either. But my biological family members were great story tellers, so I think that's why I like Harriet McBryde Johson so much.
My plan (and present behavior) is to tell lots and lots of Rip stories. For years I've been telling all my family's stories. (Even can tell my grandfather's stories and my exhusbands stories.)
I'm not real sure what my daughter and friends think about all this story telling (they might moan about it behind my back), but their public behavior is to smile/laugh/whatever.
I've always enjoyed a good story at the right time. I think lots of other people do too. It keeps the continuity in our lives. Your daughter will like that. New friends that you make will like that too - they'll want to know what you were like before you met them - what made you the wonderful woman you are today.
Keeping you in my heart,
LisaV
coltsfan715
New member
I never really had a hard time when I was younger, I just accepted death as something that would happen when it was time. Since I have met my fiance I am terrified of leaving him though. I never thought I could find someone that is such a perfect match for my soul and the thought of that being taken away scares me to the core. He and I have talked in depth about this cause sometimes I get really down about it kind of like now I have found you and I may not be able to stay with you. I know eventually one of us will end up passing and the other will come along some time after that, but the time in between is what scares me I guess (I know that may sound kind of out there, but that is really where my being scared comes from not so much dying just the separation from the ones I love - my mom also).
I have thought about what you said also Kelly. It is a strange thing the way we do have to carry on after a death. I know though from the family and friends I have had pass away maybe not everyone actively remembers them or thinks of them often, but at least a few people always remember that person and what they were like and the effect they had on people and I find peace in that.
Lindsey
I have thought about what you said also Kelly. It is a strange thing the way we do have to carry on after a death. I know though from the family and friends I have had pass away maybe not everyone actively remembers them or thinks of them often, but at least a few people always remember that person and what they were like and the effect they had on people and I find peace in that.
Lindsey
coltsfan715
New member
I never really had a hard time when I was younger, I just accepted death as something that would happen when it was time. Since I have met my fiance I am terrified of leaving him though. I never thought I could find someone that is such a perfect match for my soul and the thought of that being taken away scares me to the core. He and I have talked in depth about this cause sometimes I get really down about it kind of like now I have found you and I may not be able to stay with you. I know eventually one of us will end up passing and the other will come along some time after that, but the time in between is what scares me I guess (I know that may sound kind of out there, but that is really where my being scared comes from not so much dying just the separation from the ones I love - my mom also).
I have thought about what you said also Kelly. It is a strange thing the way we do have to carry on after a death. I know though from the family and friends I have had pass away maybe not everyone actively remembers them or thinks of them often, but at least a few people always remember that person and what they were like and the effect they had on people and I find peace in that.
Lindsey
I have thought about what you said also Kelly. It is a strange thing the way we do have to carry on after a death. I know though from the family and friends I have had pass away maybe not everyone actively remembers them or thinks of them often, but at least a few people always remember that person and what they were like and the effect they had on people and I find peace in that.
Lindsey
This article totally connected for me. I recently had two people from my childhood/family pass. My Moms neighbor which brought back many, many memories & my Dads sister. I am not sure what to expect after my passing, but whatever it is....I am not afraid of it. I am sad to leave my family & have them go thru the pain that I experienced with my Dads passing. I have told Allie that I talk to & about my Dad so much that my daughter feels like she knows him & that isnt possible since she will turn 8 in April, but he died 21 years ago in March. The pictures, the stories, the love I share & share. He was as much a part of me as my CF or my temper or my love for animals. I cant seperate the two just like Allie cant seperate from RY nor should she have to especially because people are uncomfortable. I have talked to my sisters, best friend & husband and asked them to make sure Jazmine knows who her Mom was in case she never gets to know me as an adult. I can say that I will live on thru her if nothing else!
This article totally connected for me. I recently had two people from my childhood/family pass. My Moms neighbor which brought back many, many memories & my Dads sister. I am not sure what to expect after my passing, but whatever it is....I am not afraid of it. I am sad to leave my family & have them go thru the pain that I experienced with my Dads passing. I have told Allie that I talk to & about my Dad so much that my daughter feels like she knows him & that isnt possible since she will turn 8 in April, but he died 21 years ago in March. The pictures, the stories, the love I share & share. He was as much a part of me as my CF or my temper or my love for animals. I cant seperate the two just like Allie cant seperate from RY nor should she have to especially because people are uncomfortable. I have talked to my sisters, best friend & husband and asked them to make sure Jazmine knows who her Mom was in case she never gets to know me as an adult. I can say that I will live on thru her if nothing else!
Lindsey, I have had that exact same thought recently as well. My husband and I just got married last July and a few months ago I started to feel down about my health. I opened to him about a bunch of fears and one of them was that we just got married, I'mm really enjoying this, I love that we have found eachother and are so compatible, and that I really want to stay here for this life with him. My PFTs just went down this year so it's a new found fear on a different level for me. It's like the grim reaper on my shoulder or something, why just after we get married and commits to me, do my PFTs start acting up and threaten our lives together?! Really irritating.
Allie, I really feel for you! If your thoughts of Ry give you strength and comfort, I don't know why you should stop keeping him close to your heart and in your life. I know how people start to get weird about others holding on to the dead for what they think is too long. Maybe it goes along with the fact that death is not presented to our society in any type of positive way, and become taboo. Then when someone holds on to a taboo subject, whether it gives them peace or not, it's just looked upon as weird/creepy/stagnant/BAD. Other cultures view death so differently and in such a grand way it seems. Here, it is viewed as holding the living back, life needs to go on, etc. How sad for all those who fought so hard to stay here but lost the battle.
Allie, I really feel for you! If your thoughts of Ry give you strength and comfort, I don't know why you should stop keeping him close to your heart and in your life. I know how people start to get weird about others holding on to the dead for what they think is too long. Maybe it goes along with the fact that death is not presented to our society in any type of positive way, and become taboo. Then when someone holds on to a taboo subject, whether it gives them peace or not, it's just looked upon as weird/creepy/stagnant/BAD. Other cultures view death so differently and in such a grand way it seems. Here, it is viewed as holding the living back, life needs to go on, etc. How sad for all those who fought so hard to stay here but lost the battle.
Lindsey, I have had that exact same thought recently as well. My husband and I just got married last July and a few months ago I started to feel down about my health. I opened to him about a bunch of fears and one of them was that we just got married, I'mm really enjoying this, I love that we have found eachother and are so compatible, and that I really want to stay here for this life with him. My PFTs just went down this year so it's a new found fear on a different level for me. It's like the grim reaper on my shoulder or something, why just after we get married and commits to me, do my PFTs start acting up and threaten our lives together?! Really irritating.
Allie, I really feel for you! If your thoughts of Ry give you strength and comfort, I don't know why you should stop keeping him close to your heart and in your life. I know how people start to get weird about others holding on to the dead for what they think is too long. Maybe it goes along with the fact that death is not presented to our society in any type of positive way, and become taboo. Then when someone holds on to a taboo subject, whether it gives them peace or not, it's just looked upon as weird/creepy/stagnant/BAD. Other cultures view death so differently and in such a grand way it seems. Here, it is viewed as holding the living back, life needs to go on, etc. How sad for all those who fought so hard to stay here but lost the battle.
Allie, I really feel for you! If your thoughts of Ry give you strength and comfort, I don't know why you should stop keeping him close to your heart and in your life. I know how people start to get weird about others holding on to the dead for what they think is too long. Maybe it goes along with the fact that death is not presented to our society in any type of positive way, and become taboo. Then when someone holds on to a taboo subject, whether it gives them peace or not, it's just looked upon as weird/creepy/stagnant/BAD. Other cultures view death so differently and in such a grand way it seems. Here, it is viewed as holding the living back, life needs to go on, etc. How sad for all those who fought so hard to stay here but lost the battle.
MyNewfy, I know you're right about modern day American culture thinking. Some folks think that you're like loving a ghost.
But I don't agree with that - and there are others who don't either. Other people who have been widowed or lost a parent/sibling/child understand this even if no one else does.
If everyone I've loved whose died is a ghost, then I am happily haunted.
My memories (the stories) of their strengths, joys, sadness, whatever are a lot of what give me strength and joy now.
I miss my husband an enormous amount and I admit I can be freaky about it. (Kept a worn shirt of his that still has his smell to snuggle with.)
But in some ways my grief is not "painful" - at least not the kind of pain I felt with the divorce or when some people say really thoughtless/mean things.
I'm mainly just sad. He is still with me. I still "talk" to him. He still "talks back" (I knew him so well I can hear his voice in my head.)
He gives me strength. He loved me unconditionally and that changed me. Nothing or no one can ever take that away from me.
I am stronger because of his love and because I understand now that everyone has a coffin in their basement- so his love and "haunting" helps me keep on living.
But I don't agree with that - and there are others who don't either. Other people who have been widowed or lost a parent/sibling/child understand this even if no one else does.
If everyone I've loved whose died is a ghost, then I am happily haunted.
My memories (the stories) of their strengths, joys, sadness, whatever are a lot of what give me strength and joy now.
I miss my husband an enormous amount and I admit I can be freaky about it. (Kept a worn shirt of his that still has his smell to snuggle with.)
But in some ways my grief is not "painful" - at least not the kind of pain I felt with the divorce or when some people say really thoughtless/mean things.
I'm mainly just sad. He is still with me. I still "talk" to him. He still "talks back" (I knew him so well I can hear his voice in my head.)
He gives me strength. He loved me unconditionally and that changed me. Nothing or no one can ever take that away from me.
I am stronger because of his love and because I understand now that everyone has a coffin in their basement- so his love and "haunting" helps me keep on living.
MyNewfy, I know you're right about modern day American culture thinking. Some folks think that you're like loving a ghost.
But I don't agree with that - and there are others who don't either. Other people who have been widowed or lost a parent/sibling/child understand this even if no one else does.
If everyone I've loved whose died is a ghost, then I am happily haunted.
My memories (the stories) of their strengths, joys, sadness, whatever are a lot of what give me strength and joy now.
I miss my husband an enormous amount and I admit I can be freaky about it. (Kept a worn shirt of his that still has his smell to snuggle with.)
But in some ways my grief is not "painful" - at least not the kind of pain I felt with the divorce or when some people say really thoughtless/mean things.
I'm mainly just sad. He is still with me. I still "talk" to him. He still "talks back" (I knew him so well I can hear his voice in my head.)
He gives me strength. He loved me unconditionally and that changed me. Nothing or no one can ever take that away from me.
I am stronger because of his love and because I understand now that everyone has a coffin in their basement- so his love and "haunting" helps me keep on living.
But I don't agree with that - and there are others who don't either. Other people who have been widowed or lost a parent/sibling/child understand this even if no one else does.
If everyone I've loved whose died is a ghost, then I am happily haunted.
My memories (the stories) of their strengths, joys, sadness, whatever are a lot of what give me strength and joy now.
I miss my husband an enormous amount and I admit I can be freaky about it. (Kept a worn shirt of his that still has his smell to snuggle with.)
But in some ways my grief is not "painful" - at least not the kind of pain I felt with the divorce or when some people say really thoughtless/mean things.
I'm mainly just sad. He is still with me. I still "talk" to him. He still "talks back" (I knew him so well I can hear his voice in my head.)
He gives me strength. He loved me unconditionally and that changed me. Nothing or no one can ever take that away from me.
I am stronger because of his love and because I understand now that everyone has a coffin in their basement- so his love and "haunting" helps me keep on living.
thelizardqueen
New member
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>coltsfan715</b></i><br>Since I have met my fiance I am terrified of leaving him though. I never thought I could find someone that is such a perfect match for my soul and the thought of that being taken away scares me to the core. He and I have talked in depth about this cause sometimes I get really down about it kind of like now I have found you and I may not be able to stay with you.
Lindsey<hr></blockquote>
This is what bothers me as well about my boyfriend. That I will not be his last, but he will be mine. I know that when I am gone, he will move on, and someone will take my place in the household. That bothers me. I want him to be happy after I'm gone, but a part of me is selfish and doesn't want anyone to come after me, if that makes sense.
Lindsey<hr></blockquote>
This is what bothers me as well about my boyfriend. That I will not be his last, but he will be mine. I know that when I am gone, he will move on, and someone will take my place in the household. That bothers me. I want him to be happy after I'm gone, but a part of me is selfish and doesn't want anyone to come after me, if that makes sense.
thelizardqueen
New member
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>coltsfan715</b></i><br>Since I have met my fiance I am terrified of leaving him though. I never thought I could find someone that is such a perfect match for my soul and the thought of that being taken away scares me to the core. He and I have talked in depth about this cause sometimes I get really down about it kind of like now I have found you and I may not be able to stay with you.
Lindsey<hr></blockquote>
This is what bothers me as well about my boyfriend. That I will not be his last, but he will be mine. I know that when I am gone, he will move on, and someone will take my place in the household. That bothers me. I want him to be happy after I'm gone, but a part of me is selfish and doesn't want anyone to come after me, if that makes sense.
Lindsey<hr></blockquote>
This is what bothers me as well about my boyfriend. That I will not be his last, but he will be mine. I know that when I am gone, he will move on, and someone will take my place in the household. That bothers me. I want him to be happy after I'm gone, but a part of me is selfish and doesn't want anyone to come after me, if that makes sense.
JennifersHope
New member
I am not afraid to be dead...it is the process of getting there that I am not fond of...
I know Morphine is a wonderful drug and it takes away air hunger feelings and makes death very peaceful in the final stages. What worries me is the final stages is just that and only a small percentage of the time..what about the process of getting to the final stages...I am afraid being that sick that I won't have control, I am afraid that I will die alone, I am not married now, and don't have kids.. My parents are not going to live forevernor would I ever want them to see me die......I am afriad I will just be subject to whatever nurse is on call for the day. I see nurses work so hard, or they become hardend or are to busy or whatever... what if I am too sick to ask for a drink of water, and I am thristy, I can't stand to be thristy, or sometimes my skin gets so dry that it itches like crazy.. what if I am to weak to put on lotion??? Those are the things that freak me out, I don't want to suffer..... I don't want to smell or be dirty because no one helped me with a bath..I don't want to sit in my own pee, like I see so many patients at my work do.
Anyway, I don't usually dwell on this kind of stuff because it makes me nuts, but I do think about it, I just don't verbalize it... and now I know why.. I just totally upset myself. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Jennifer
I know Morphine is a wonderful drug and it takes away air hunger feelings and makes death very peaceful in the final stages. What worries me is the final stages is just that and only a small percentage of the time..what about the process of getting to the final stages...I am afraid being that sick that I won't have control, I am afraid that I will die alone, I am not married now, and don't have kids.. My parents are not going to live forevernor would I ever want them to see me die......I am afriad I will just be subject to whatever nurse is on call for the day. I see nurses work so hard, or they become hardend or are to busy or whatever... what if I am too sick to ask for a drink of water, and I am thristy, I can't stand to be thristy, or sometimes my skin gets so dry that it itches like crazy.. what if I am to weak to put on lotion??? Those are the things that freak me out, I don't want to suffer..... I don't want to smell or be dirty because no one helped me with a bath..I don't want to sit in my own pee, like I see so many patients at my work do.
Anyway, I don't usually dwell on this kind of stuff because it makes me nuts, but I do think about it, I just don't verbalize it... and now I know why.. I just totally upset myself. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Jennifer
JennifersHope
New member
I am not afraid to be dead...it is the process of getting there that I am not fond of...
I know Morphine is a wonderful drug and it takes away air hunger feelings and makes death very peaceful in the final stages. What worries me is the final stages is just that and only a small percentage of the time..what about the process of getting to the final stages...I am afraid being that sick that I won't have control, I am afraid that I will die alone, I am not married now, and don't have kids.. My parents are not going to live forevernor would I ever want them to see me die......I am afriad I will just be subject to whatever nurse is on call for the day. I see nurses work so hard, or they become hardend or are to busy or whatever... what if I am too sick to ask for a drink of water, and I am thristy, I can't stand to be thristy, or sometimes my skin gets so dry that it itches like crazy.. what if I am to weak to put on lotion??? Those are the things that freak me out, I don't want to suffer..... I don't want to smell or be dirty because no one helped me with a bath..I don't want to sit in my own pee, like I see so many patients at my work do.
Anyway, I don't usually dwell on this kind of stuff because it makes me nuts, but I do think about it, I just don't verbalize it... and now I know why.. I just totally upset myself. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Jennifer
I know Morphine is a wonderful drug and it takes away air hunger feelings and makes death very peaceful in the final stages. What worries me is the final stages is just that and only a small percentage of the time..what about the process of getting to the final stages...I am afraid being that sick that I won't have control, I am afraid that I will die alone, I am not married now, and don't have kids.. My parents are not going to live forevernor would I ever want them to see me die......I am afriad I will just be subject to whatever nurse is on call for the day. I see nurses work so hard, or they become hardend or are to busy or whatever... what if I am too sick to ask for a drink of water, and I am thristy, I can't stand to be thristy, or sometimes my skin gets so dry that it itches like crazy.. what if I am to weak to put on lotion??? Those are the things that freak me out, I don't want to suffer..... I don't want to smell or be dirty because no one helped me with a bath..I don't want to sit in my own pee, like I see so many patients at my work do.
Anyway, I don't usually dwell on this kind of stuff because it makes me nuts, but I do think about it, I just don't verbalize it... and now I know why.. I just totally upset myself. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Jennifer