Lance,
I am so much older than the other widows that what I might say may not help bring any clarity. And I am a parent of an adult daughter, so that is a bit different too.
I guess I would say to any parent that I have found that it works best to support the choices of your child. I am concerned that Talia says she is scared and unsure.
To Talia's Dad: I would suggest that you encourage Talia's to really focus on her feelings about this (rather than Lance's or yours). It is her life and her journey. On a decision like this she needs to be very very selfish so that when she looks back on her choices (life) she will feel OK with them and feel like she has lived her life and not someone elses. She needs to really explore what it might mean: perhaps to be childless, to be a young widow; to have to be a handson nurse to a husband, to have the extroardinary privledge of loving and being loved by someone until death parts them (an experience that will change her forever and for both better and worse put her most out of sync with her age mates)
While it is important to be there for others, it is also important not to pretend to be braver than we are. We have seen some folks "break" under the strain of marriage to a CFer and we would not want that for either Lance or Talia.
For myself, I went into my marriage (my 2nd marriage at age 42 already with an adult child) with my eyes wide open knowing I would be a widow before I retired. I have no regrets. My second husband had the gift of love and empathy. On his death bed I thanked him for giving me the unconditional love that no one else ever had.
If I had it to do over again, I would have loved him and lived with him until death parted us, but I am not sure I would have a civil marriage. By being married to me once he was really ill my husband became totally dependent on me for medical insurance and much of his income--and he had to put up with the indigity of having me do things for him (like bowel management) that he really hated unless we paid out of pocket for PCAs. I make a good living, but the expense was high and there were services he could have had (like PCAs paid for by Medicaid) if he had not actually been married to me but instead just living with me.
I know this isn't exactly what you were hoping for Lance, but I don't think this means that your relationship is "screwed".
Better to enter into it with everyone's feet on the ground if you want it to have the quality that you want and if you want it to last.
Keeping you all in my heart.
____
Edited to add: Here is a link to an article I wrote to help folks who were making the transition from being the well spouse of a chronically ill or disabled person to being a widow/widower. <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.wellspouse.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=184&Itemid=36">http://www.wellspouse.org/inde...=view&id=184&Itemid=36</a> I think a careful read will help people discover a lot about what being a well spouse involves and how one changes because of it.
I am so much older than the other widows that what I might say may not help bring any clarity. And I am a parent of an adult daughter, so that is a bit different too.
I guess I would say to any parent that I have found that it works best to support the choices of your child. I am concerned that Talia says she is scared and unsure.
To Talia's Dad: I would suggest that you encourage Talia's to really focus on her feelings about this (rather than Lance's or yours). It is her life and her journey. On a decision like this she needs to be very very selfish so that when she looks back on her choices (life) she will feel OK with them and feel like she has lived her life and not someone elses. She needs to really explore what it might mean: perhaps to be childless, to be a young widow; to have to be a handson nurse to a husband, to have the extroardinary privledge of loving and being loved by someone until death parts them (an experience that will change her forever and for both better and worse put her most out of sync with her age mates)
While it is important to be there for others, it is also important not to pretend to be braver than we are. We have seen some folks "break" under the strain of marriage to a CFer and we would not want that for either Lance or Talia.
For myself, I went into my marriage (my 2nd marriage at age 42 already with an adult child) with my eyes wide open knowing I would be a widow before I retired. I have no regrets. My second husband had the gift of love and empathy. On his death bed I thanked him for giving me the unconditional love that no one else ever had.
If I had it to do over again, I would have loved him and lived with him until death parted us, but I am not sure I would have a civil marriage. By being married to me once he was really ill my husband became totally dependent on me for medical insurance and much of his income--and he had to put up with the indigity of having me do things for him (like bowel management) that he really hated unless we paid out of pocket for PCAs. I make a good living, but the expense was high and there were services he could have had (like PCAs paid for by Medicaid) if he had not actually been married to me but instead just living with me.
I know this isn't exactly what you were hoping for Lance, but I don't think this means that your relationship is "screwed".
Better to enter into it with everyone's feet on the ground if you want it to have the quality that you want and if you want it to last.
Keeping you all in my heart.
____
Edited to add: Here is a link to an article I wrote to help folks who were making the transition from being the well spouse of a chronically ill or disabled person to being a widow/widower. <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.wellspouse.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=184&Itemid=36">http://www.wellspouse.org/inde...=view&id=184&Itemid=36</a> I think a careful read will help people discover a lot about what being a well spouse involves and how one changes because of it.