ok I don't want to start anything here...read if you like

[Scarlett81]

I just came across something that bothered me. I'm not trying to target anyone if they feel this way! I appreciate all opinions here ok. So don't get mad on me, b/c I have to ask this.

But I can't get this out of my head. It really bothered me. Mostly b/c I've never come across anyone who actually said this to me or infront of me.
So I heard someone recently say that it would be selfish for someone like me to have children. b/c I'd die and leave them, b/c why should a child have a mom or dad who's devoted to their illness, who has to spend so much time taking care of themselves.
Of COURSE these are things I've spent hours, years thinking about. I've asked myself-is it right? I've come up with solutions to some of these problems. But this comment-of course they're entitled to feel that way-well it really bothered me.

I feel that I have so much love and experience to offer a child. I have a loving home, wonderful grandparents for a child, probably 20 aunts and uncles for a child, a quiet, safe property. Moral values, love of our creator, and alot to pass on to instill in my child. I've dreamt almost every day of holding my baby in my arms-for years. There's so much I want to give.

And then someone says it's selfish? My husband and family have never once thought that it wouldn't be right to have kids. I have never come across anyone that felt this way. Maybe I'm a little naive. I probably am. But it really bothered me.
Listen-I have had loser parents, I've lost parents. I was 7 when i was adopted so I remember everything. I remember losing them. And then my adoption and years of awkward visitations with my birth parents. Sure its hard-but it builds character.
Let me tell you-I would have traded 'having' both sets of parents there for having a loving caring mother for 10-15 years. (at least)
I think that it's all relative.
Did any of you parent's struggle with that?

 

[anonymous]

Nobody knows how long they're going to be on this earth. You very well could out live us all. You just don't know what life is going to hand you.

It sounds as if you have lot to offer a child, a lot of love to give. There are so many children out there who don't have parents, don't have anyone who cares about them. You can make a difference in a child's life. Your child's life! A child who will have wonderful memories of you, of being safe, feeling loved!

Liza

 

[anonymous]

Out of curiousity, who told you that you were selfish for wanting a kid? WHile there are lots of things to consider, we had kids, Ry was only there for 4 years, but he was the best damn father Ahava could have hoped for.

 

[sarabeth87]

i think the only selfish person in this situation is the person who told you that it would be selfish. i would love to have a child some day, and if someone told me that it was selfish i would probably slap them upside their head.

 

[thelizardqueen]

You have every right to have kids. Who's to say that you won't outlive your husband or kids? Healthy people have kids all the time, and then one of the parent's get's cancer, etc. What about people with diabetes? THey have kids, and they are also taking care of themselves all the time, but because Diabetes isn't a terminal illness, people don't consider that.

 

[skh]

Christian, I know where you're coming from. And yes, we are all allowed to have our opinions - that's a good thing.

There's not a one of us that knows how long we will be on this earth. And if we live our lives thinking - well, I might not be here tomorrow so I better not do that - then we have no life at all.

My 15 yr. old daughter who has cf has always wanted to be a mother. And I hope one day that she is. She has so much to offer some child - as do you. Yes, there are things that a child will have to face if their parent has cf but we all have to adjust to what we are given in life. I don't think it's selfish of a person with cf to want to have a child - that's just my opinion.

I guess you could say that I was selfish to have my daughter and to have given her cf. I wouldn't go back and not have her for anything. She has given me such joy. No, I'm not happy that she has to face life with cf but I don't want it to hold her back either.

Keep smiling Christian - you are a wonderful person - as is everyone on this forum.

Sue

 

[coltsfan715]

Hey Christian,

I too have had people say this to me or around me. I always kind of cringe because I feel they are singling me out when they say it. I have decided not to have a child naturally at this point (which is my and my fiance's decision-without the pressure of others), but have not turned away from the idea of being a mother, by say adoption. I don't think anyone has a right to make that decision for someone, though from the other point of view there are situations that I see with people everyday (with or without the parents having a disability) and I wonder why they had children - I am sure you know what I mean like parents that just seem like they hate being a parent.
If you feel comfortable having a child and it is what you want and you know you can do the job go for it. You and your husband are the only ones that can make that decision; not someone who thinks because they don't have an illness and you do that means they are equipped to be a parent and you are not. People are ignorant sometimes and don't realize that they too could die when their child is still young - death affects everyone, not just people with an illness/disease.

Oh and try to let those "You are selfish because you want to have kids" comments role off your back. Don't let them tell you that you are selfish for wanting to have a child to share all of the love you have to give, a child that you can guide, give your time too, teach things too, and give the best life you can possibly give too. That isn't selfish you are giving of yourself that is essentially what being a parent is I think you give completely of yoruself for your child. Besides who knows you may give birth to the child/Woman/Man that cures CF because they are so touched by the relationship that they have with you and so on. There is no telling who/what your child could be/do if you choose to have one. If it is meant to be it will be <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">.

Hope you have a great day,
Lindsey

 

[CowTown]

Hi Christian, this has become a topic I think about a lot. Having just got married last year, my doctor started to talking with me about whether I want to have kids. HE actually told me that HIS biggest concern with CFers having kids is that the kids *will* grow up without a parent at some point. This totally tookk me off guard, but I thought about it and realized, I guess he's right. So personally, that conversation led me to wonder if my husband and I were to try for a kid....would we be selfish? I've become pretty curious about whether it is selfish or not. Oddly enough, a friend of mine who does not have CF, has not had kids yet and she's 42. She's an art teacher and has been bothered by how many parents tell her that SHE'S being selfish by not having kids. It's just ironic and I wonder if people need to vent to others just because there's a differnce in opinion. I haven't figured this one out myself, but I do feel "love is all we need!"

Good luck with getting your PFTs up and keeping them there. I'm in a similar boat in that if we do end up wanting kids in 1-2 years, I best get my PFTs back up too.

 

[miesl]

Not selfish.

If anything, you have a better perspective on "Life is short, cherish everyone close to you" than other parents would.

Children do lose parents - cancer, car accidents, etc. Isn't it better to have had two parents that loved you?

 

[Scarlett81]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>MyNewfy</b></i>

Hi Christian, this has become a topic I think about a lot. Having just got married last year, my doctor started to talking with me about whether I want to have kids. HE actually told me that HIS biggest concern with CFers having kids is that the kids *will* grow up without a parent at some point. This totally tookk me off guard, but I thought about it and realized, I guess he's right. So personally, that conversation led me to wonder if my husband and I were to try for a kid....would we be selfish? I've become pretty curious about whether it is selfish or not. Oddly enough, a friend of mine who does not have CF, has not had kids yet and she's 42. She's an art teacher and has been bothered by how many parents tell her that SHE'S being selfish by not having kids. It's just ironic and I wonder if people need to vent to others just because there's a differnce in opinion. I haven't figured this one out myself, but I do feel "love is all we need!"



Good luck with getting your PFTs up and keeping them there. I'm in a similar boat in that if we do end up wanting kids in 1-2 years, I best get my PFTs back up too.</end quote></div>

 

[anonymous]

Christian,
This subject is likely to cause as much controversy as the subject of having another child when you already know you carry the gene AND already have a child with cf. To some people, yes, it may well seem selfish, depending on their definition of selfishness. But, then, don't we all have SOME selfish motives when we have children??? I mean, I know when I had my 3 children I really WANTED to have them for ME. I WANTED to be a mother. I guess by some definitions that can be called selfish. That said, I absolutely love my children unconditionally. I'd do anything for them. I try to be a really good mother and I very often put my needs well behind theirs. I try to make sure they're as healthy as possible (for them), as happy as possible, and that they grow up to be compassionate, loving adults who are conscientious of others and their environment. Same as most mothers and same as you will treat your child(ren).

My personal opinion is it's not selfish for you to want children. And, no I don't think you're selfish if you have a child. I do think it's wise for you to have a back-up plan in the event that you're not around to see your child grow up (sounds like you have that), and vitally important for your health and you're child's well-being that you have some sort of support network (sounds like you have that.) And, honestly, you know what, we ALL need that, even those of us who are healthy. My cousin died at the age of 37 from cancer, leaving two young daughters at home. She obviously had no clue when she had her daughters that she wouldn't be able to watch them grow up. Was it difficult for them to lose their mother? Of course. Did it change them, of course. But, they have a loving supportive network consisting of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and a father. They will be ok. There are just no guarantees in life and spending your life NOT doing things because you're likely to die younger than you'd like is, in my opinion, NOT living. As difficult as it may be, just try to ignore comments from people who "just don't get it." Good luck!!!!!
~Dawn

 

[Scarlett81]

I don't know what I just did there in that last post, but anyhooo...

I think it is a topic that is "controversial" in the sense that everyone does have their own opinion on it. And people tend to feel strongly about it. I just was taken aback b/c I've never had anyone actually say it in front of me. I'm sure I've had people like in my family talk about it amongst themselves. But never to my face.

The topic touches strong emotions whether you are for it or against it. I have to assume that the person that made it has been affected by it negatively in their life. Or perhaps they have a similar situation and it is a big fear to them.

And a point that was touched on was-there are plenty of selfish parents in the world, or people that become parents for selfish reasons. Sometimes I look at people and think-if you needed a little thing running around your house why didn't you just get a puppy? I see parents that use drugs, expose their kids to dangerous situations, leave their babies in trash cans, need I go on? THOSE are selfish people.

 

[skh]

Christian, I sent you a private message on this. If you need to talk I'm all ears!

Sue

 

[JennifersHope]

Christian,

It drives me nuts, people have said that to me as well. Point blank told me that I would be selfish for having a child, blah, blah blah.. and well the person who told me that I would be selfish was divorced with three kids. All three of her kids have emotional problems, and are dragged back and forth twice a week to stay in a different homes.

I agree it isn't ideal for a child to have to worry about a parent that is sick. I do believe that it is all in the way you raise your child, and your perspective on it. If I was married and had someone to help me raise a child you better believe I would have a baby. I know that if I had a child, that child would be loved and secure.

I don't have the statistics so I am not sure where it came from but I believe I have read it is easier for a kid to lose a parent to death then it is for them to go through a divorce.. AGAIN.. it is just vaguley in my head.. I would have to find where it said that.

I also understand people not understanding why we would want to have a child, people are so egocentric, they don't realize that they are hypocrites etc.. Humans in general are very quick to justify what they want but judge someone else for what they want..

Bottom line, do what is in your heart, and like every other parent alive, have a back up plan in place in case you die.. Most parents do...

I know it is hard not to be influenced by other ppls thoughts and comments. I struggle with this daily.. that is what this board is for.. To remind you you are a capable adult.

Love,
Jennifer

 

[Sunnie]

Personally, I don't think it's selfish to want to give your love to a child. A friend of mine came from very loving parents, they had no health problems. They raised their children with all the love and compassion they knew to show. My friend was the youngest with an older sister who was married with children. When my friend was about 12yrs old, her parents went on vacation and got into a fatal car accident. At the time she was devestated over the loss of both her parents. But now, she talks of all the fond memories she has of them. And while no one can replace her parents, she does have a loving family (her older sister took her and raised her during those teen years). She is one of the most grateful people I have ever met.

Personally, I don't think it's wrong to want to experience all of life. That includes raising children. No one is invincible, we are just more aware of our own mortality. At the same time though, we will have already made plans for those we love if our time does run out before they're ready to be out on their own.

 

[Faust]

Heres how I look at it, since you were asking for opinions. As humans we have all types of needs, from basic needs, to deep rooted emotional/hormonal needs that are much more present later in life. I too would like to have a little boy and raise him and watch him grow into a man and enjoy all that that road has to offer. The problem is, even though I take supplements and take care of myself and i'm in great shape for a CF my age, I will eventually die to CF no matter what I do (barring a car accident or other accidental death or the very slight chance of dying to another illness like say brain cancer etc). That's just how it is. This also applies to every CF patient of course, and not just myself. My personal desires for a child are there, and i'm sure my mate would want to raise one also. Is it selfish to still want to do this given the circumstances? I would have to say yes, because with the added stressors placed on me by the rigorous tasks of trying to conceive, then having, then taking care of the child, the massive lack of sleep due to having a child (which takes away from my care, something i'm diligent about now), and many many other factors associated with having to give nearly 100% of your attention/energy over to having a child, this would drag me down health wise big time and probably accelerate my natural demise. Not that I care about dying, but a child does need a mother/father in their life through their formative years, not to mention their volatile teens.


I know my views won't be popular due to the anti huggy rainbow carebear aspect, but we can't have kids due to our disease. Sure we can circumvent that with technology just like many other things. But currently we have 6.8 BILLION people on earth now, should we really fight tooth and nail to be able to force ourselves (who can't conceive normally) to conceive yet another child to add to the masses, when we more than likely won't be able to provide 100% of our time, and energy to this child? I think people need to realize (especially women) that the biological desire to have a child is natural, and extremely strong, and a natural course of events as we get older. But you have to seriously ask yourself if it would be the best thing not only for yourself, but more importantly for the child. With all the added massive psychological and physical stressors of a new child added to our shoulders where that already 900 lb gorilla known as CF is perched, would you even be around in 10 years for him/her? Your mate has it really hard now with dealing with all the needs that you personally have for your CF, how fair would it be to them to go from all CF needs, to now being a single parent with a teen daughter or son desperately needing their other parent in all the myriad times that aspect will become apparent and drag them down into that constant emotional minefield.


Me personally, deep down inside I agree with people who say these things, because I feel they are right. It just sucks that they are right about something that involves YOU and not being able to quench your biological/emotional desire to have a child.


But it is of course a personal call.

 

[Scarlett81]

Well, I asked for all opinons.

I think it's very rude of you SD to call us rainbow carebear thinkers or whatever...I can't remember specifically the term you used. But along those lines.

2 things SD- You are a guy. And certainly there are men who want kids. But it is called a MATERNAL instinct for a reason. And while I do appreciate all opinions, not even you can relate to that. A woman's urge to have children is natural. Women were made that way. So, men can usually never understand.

Secondly, as it is a personal choice, you can be sensitive to that and not use stupid terms to define a person's feelings. I was happy with your differing opinion up until I read that sarcastic bit. You're dealing with real people here, not just computer screens. No-I'm not on here just to have people agree with me. I do appreciate your opinions.

All situations are different of course. And each must judge for themselves. As I said I've been through losing both of my parents. And they lost me by their own choice. So in a way I can speak from experience when I say...it just comes down to love. That may sound 'rainbowy' but it's the truth.

 

[Faust]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Scarlett81</b></i>

Well, I asked for all opinons.



I think it's very rude of you SD to call us rainbow carebear thinkers or whatever...I can't remember specifically the term you used. But along those lines.



2 things SD- You are a guy. And certainly there are men who want kids. But it is called a MATERNAL instinct for a reason. And while I do appreciate all opinions, not even you can relate to that. A woman's urge to have children is natural. Women were made that way. So, men can usually never understand.



Secondly, as it is a personal choice, you can be sensitive to that and not use stupid terms to define a person's feelings. I was happy with your differing opinion up until I read that sarcastic bit. You're dealing with real people here, not just computer screens. No-I'm not on here just to have people agree with me. I do appreciate your opinions.



All situations are different of course. And each must judge for themselves. As I said I've been through losing both of my parents. And they lost me by their own choice. So in a way I can speak from experience when I say...it just comes down to love. That may sound 'rainbowy' but it's the truth.</end quote></div>


Well, whatever terminology was used, it was more for a lack of attention due to multitasking (aresols, making phone calls, sending emails, tv is on, etc). I also addressed every point you just discussed in your current reply, fairly indepth at that. I also discussed womens maternal instinct. That doesn't nullify what I said in my first response, if anything it strengthens my perspective that that desire is extremely strong, and we must be aware of emotions/body chemistry vs what might or might not be the best choice for you (when I say YOU, I don't mean the poster, I mean anyone) and the child down the road.

I'm pretty much a very supportive, and nice person. If someone comes on here and says something and I know what the answer is, but the answer would be construed as a negative answer, I think twice before saying anything, because our lives are rough enough, and some people just don't want to hear it even if most would agree it's a correct answer.

But since this was opinion, I gave mine. Now if you didn't want to hear it, or only wanted to hear opinions from those who you feel are qualified (women), then you should have stipulated as much. The carebear comment wasn't meant as a snide sarcastic comment, it was just a general description of what at times is a pervasive environment around here. Someone could ask something that some people will feel differently about, they respond either pro or con the issue at hand, and then the poster and the others who support that poster regardless of the posts contents, get upset with them.


Sorry if I upset you, you obviously feel it is important to follow your natural biological/hormonal/psychological drive to have a child. These aspects are of course highly amplified due to you being female. I have these desires, but nowhere near as strong as you do, due to gender. Regardless of my health and place in life, I will probably not pursue such a choice as having a child due to the reasons I stated. There are many very strong biological drives that both men and women share, and men and women individually have varying strengths of different urges. Men, while they can be very much in love with their female mate, the urge to disperse our seed in other soil is much stronger than in women, but good guys make the mental choice to not act on our urges. If women who have many challenges in life due to health and possibly much shorter longevity choose to do the same with their desires to have a child, that's up to them. If they choose not to, that's up to them also. I personally have no vested interest in any choice you or others make. I'll be supportive of anything within reason that another CF patient want's to do, even if to me it's not the "right" choice.


Don't take my opinion personally, my life is busy enough as it is, but since I was sitting here doing my aresols, and you asked, i replied.

 

[littledebbie]

Okay, this is going to make me unpopular, so let me start by saying it is just my OPINION. And I have given it considrable thought since all I wanted since the age of 2 was to be a Mommy.

I think if by having a child -giving birth- you do yourslef harm (make yourslef sick, put an irreversible toll on your body) there by lessening your life span, then yes it's selfish. Some of us would fall into that category, myself unfortunatley included. I realize some people are not so ill durring their child bearing years and can have children without casuing so much strain. However, some of us are not healthy enough but we want what we want and we do what we want.

So I guess I break it down like this. If you physically shouldn't really be carrying a child then it would be selfish to do it. If you can carry without causing too much damage to yourself than it is not. Wanting to be a parent is not selfish, risking yourself to become one is.

I like the movie Steel Magnolias, it always makes me cry, but you know at the end how she is dead and there's this beautiful boy without a Mom and her husband without his wife, I am always crying and I know it's supposed to be that she had her few momnets of wonderful instead of a lifetime of nothing special, but I am always mad at her, adopt adopt adopt, give all that love to a baby, be a Mommy, you do not have to physically give birth to experience all the joys of Motherhood.

Just my opinion, and it's not aimed at YOU Christian it's just my view on the subject. No one knows your body like you.

 

[Faust]

I'm kind of surprised they haven't come out with a drug to help suppress this very strong desire within women (the maternal instinct). Not saying it would be that lucrative, but i'm sure there are some women who absolutely truely do not want to have children, but still have that nagging desire going on within them. A drug to alleviate that would be a good thing for them I would think. But then again as a guy i'd like to have a drug that made it so I didn't look at other women. I'd never cheat, but sometimes just being alive and being a decent looking guy and going about your day can = tons of temptation thrown at you, and frankly not many females care if you are taken or not.