Question burning the top of my head

BlueBeam · Jun 5, 2009

Hi,

I'm new here but I'm gonna go directly to my issues and seek help.

I am a 23 year old guy who never had a girlfriend of his life. It came from a lot of factors, but mostly an immense shame of my illness. As much as girls HAVE been rejecting/avoiding me for my cough and looks, I have to partially blame myself for my current situation.

To make it short, I cannot, (no way in hell) convince myself to 'trap' someone into my private life. To be blunt, I can't imagine making a girl hear/see me couch green tick sticky mucus like crazy every morning. It's a disgusting and frightening sight. Who in their right mind would even begin to accept someone being in such a disgusting state.

I get dismissed, ignored, judged by women at parties for simple 'coughs', sometimes light or sometimes a bit deeper. Some of them know of my condition and are even more distant because of it. The only real times I had close moments were with complete strangers in specific situations where it was clear we would not be together after it happened.

My question, as dark as it is, is about how can you guys even begin to explain or approach someone regarding a relationship if you know that you will have to do scary&nasty as hell treatments all the time and that you will be on the verge of 'dying' all the time?

This seems completely ridiculous to me, how can one expect another to be a part of that, isn't that selfishness? to find someone innocent enough to endure seeing the pain?

BlueBeam · Jun 5, 2009

Hi,

I'm new here but I'm gonna go directly to my issues and seek help.

I am a 23 year old guy who never had a girlfriend of his life. It came from a lot of factors, but mostly an immense shame of my illness. As much as girls HAVE been rejecting/avoiding me for my cough and looks, I have to partially blame myself for my current situation.

To make it short, I cannot, (no way in hell) convince myself to 'trap' someone into my private life. To be blunt, I can't imagine making a girl hear/see me couch green tick sticky mucus like crazy every morning. It's a disgusting and frightening sight. Who in their right mind would even begin to accept someone being in such a disgusting state.

I get dismissed, ignored, judged by women at parties for simple 'coughs', sometimes light or sometimes a bit deeper. Some of them know of my condition and are even more distant because of it. The only real times I had close moments were with complete strangers in specific situations where it was clear we would not be together after it happened.

My question, as dark as it is, is about how can you guys even begin to explain or approach someone regarding a relationship if you know that you will have to do scary&nasty as hell treatments all the time and that you will be on the verge of 'dying' all the time?

This seems completely ridiculous to me, how can one expect another to be a part of that, isn't that selfishness? to find someone innocent enough to endure seeing the pain?

BlueBeam · Jun 5, 2009

Hi,

I'm new here but I'm gonna go directly to my issues and seek help.

I am a 23 year old guy who never had a girlfriend of his life. It came from a lot of factors, but mostly an immense shame of my illness. As much as girls HAVE been rejecting/avoiding me for my cough and looks, I have to partially blame myself for my current situation.

To make it short, I cannot, (no way in hell) convince myself to 'trap' someone into my private life. To be blunt, I can't imagine making a girl hear/see me couch green tick sticky mucus like crazy every morning. It's a disgusting and frightening sight. Who in their right mind would even begin to accept someone being in such a disgusting state.

I get dismissed, ignored, judged by women at parties for simple 'coughs', sometimes light or sometimes a bit deeper. Some of them know of my condition and are even more distant because of it. The only real times I had close moments were with complete strangers in specific situations where it was clear we would not be together after it happened.

My question, as dark as it is, is about how can you guys even begin to explain or approach someone regarding a relationship if you know that you will have to do scary&nasty as hell treatments all the time and that you will be on the verge of 'dying' all the time?

This seems completely ridiculous to me, how can one expect another to be a part of that, isn't that selfishness? to find someone innocent enough to endure seeing the pain?

BlueBeam · Jun 5, 2009

Hi,

I'm new here but I'm gonna go directly to my issues and seek help.

I am a 23 year old guy who never had a girlfriend of his life. It came from a lot of factors, but mostly an immense shame of my illness. As much as girls HAVE been rejecting/avoiding me for my cough and looks, I have to partially blame myself for my current situation.

To make it short, I cannot, (no way in hell) convince myself to 'trap' someone into my private life. To be blunt, I can't imagine making a girl hear/see me couch green tick sticky mucus like crazy every morning. It's a disgusting and frightening sight. Who in their right mind would even begin to accept someone being in such a disgusting state.

I get dismissed, ignored, judged by women at parties for simple 'coughs', sometimes light or sometimes a bit deeper. Some of them know of my condition and are even more distant because of it. The only real times I had close moments were with complete strangers in specific situations where it was clear we would not be together after it happened.

My question, as dark as it is, is about how can you guys even begin to explain or approach someone regarding a relationship if you know that you will have to do scary&nasty as hell treatments all the time and that you will be on the verge of 'dying' all the time?

This seems completely ridiculous to me, how can one expect another to be a part of that, isn't that selfishness? to find someone innocent enough to endure seeing the pain?

BlueBeam · Jun 5, 2009

Hi,
 
 I'm new here but I'm gonna go directly to my issues and seek help.
 
 I am a 23 year old guy who never had a girlfriend of his life. It came from a lot of factors, but mostly an immense shame of my illness. As much as girls HAVE been rejecting/avoiding me for my cough and looks, I have to partially blame myself for my current situation.
 
 To make it short, I cannot, (no way in hell) convince myself to 'trap' someone into my private life. To be blunt, I can't imagine making a girl hear/see me couch green tick sticky mucus like crazy every morning. It's a disgusting and frightening sight. Who in their right mind would even begin to accept someone being in such a disgusting state.
 
 I get dismissed, ignored, judged by women at parties for simple 'coughs', sometimes light or sometimes a bit deeper. Some of them know of my condition and are even more distant because of it. The only real times I had close moments were with complete strangers in specific situations where it was clear we would not be together after it happened.
 
 My question, as dark as it is, is about how can you guys even begin to explain or approach someone regarding a relationship if you know that you will have to do scary&nasty as hell treatments all the time and that you will be on the verge of 'dying' all the time?
 
 This seems completely ridiculous to me, how can one expect another to be a part of that, isn't that selfishness? to find someone innocent enough to endure seeing the pain?

jbird · Jun 5, 2009

Hi BlueBeam,

I don't post too often and I'm usually more of a lurker, but your post got to me. I'm also 23 and my boyfriend has CF, and I thought maybe I could offer you perspective from the "other side."

I look at the CF aspect of my relationship like this: you take what you're given. I happened to fall in love with someone who happened to have CF. So I deal with it, the best that I can. It really is that simple to me. And when I try to look on the bright side, I realize that him having CF has made our relationship stronger and more mature than many people older than us, and that we won't fall apart the first time something goes wrong. We already know what the "in sickness and health" vow means.

Also, anyone who would hold CF against you is not worth being with. I know that may not make you feel better, but I really think it is true. And plenty of people get diagnosed with an illness everyday. Just because you don't know about it going into a relationship, doesn't mean one of you isn't going to be diagnosed with cancer a few years down the road. So I don't think CF is a reason to not be in a relationship at all.

I'm sorry if this was a long response, or didn't make sense, I just wanted to offer you a partner's view, especially from someone your own age. And maybe this column might help you. It's not about CF but I think there can be parallels made: <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/08/fashion/08love.html?pagewanted=1
">http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03...ove.html?pagewanted=1
</a>
Anyway I know I did not answer your questions, but I hope my response helped regardless. Enjoy your weekend!

jbird · Jun 5, 2009

Hi BlueBeam,

I don't post too often and I'm usually more of a lurker, but your post got to me. I'm also 23 and my boyfriend has CF, and I thought maybe I could offer you perspective from the "other side."

I look at the CF aspect of my relationship like this: you take what you're given. I happened to fall in love with someone who happened to have CF. So I deal with it, the best that I can. It really is that simple to me. And when I try to look on the bright side, I realize that him having CF has made our relationship stronger and more mature than many people older than us, and that we won't fall apart the first time something goes wrong. We already know what the "in sickness and health" vow means.

Also, anyone who would hold CF against you is not worth being with. I know that may not make you feel better, but I really think it is true. And plenty of people get diagnosed with an illness everyday. Just because you don't know about it going into a relationship, doesn't mean one of you isn't going to be diagnosed with cancer a few years down the road. So I don't think CF is a reason to not be in a relationship at all.

I'm sorry if this was a long response, or didn't make sense, I just wanted to offer you a partner's view, especially from someone your own age. And maybe this column might help you. It's not about CF but I think there can be parallels made: <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/08/fashion/08love.html?pagewanted=1
">http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03...ove.html?pagewanted=1
</a>
Anyway I know I did not answer your questions, but I hope my response helped regardless. Enjoy your weekend!

jbird · Jun 5, 2009

Hi BlueBeam,

I don't post too often and I'm usually more of a lurker, but your post got to me. I'm also 23 and my boyfriend has CF, and I thought maybe I could offer you perspective from the "other side."

I look at the CF aspect of my relationship like this: you take what you're given. I happened to fall in love with someone who happened to have CF. So I deal with it, the best that I can. It really is that simple to me. And when I try to look on the bright side, I realize that him having CF has made our relationship stronger and more mature than many people older than us, and that we won't fall apart the first time something goes wrong. We already know what the "in sickness and health" vow means.

Also, anyone who would hold CF against you is not worth being with. I know that may not make you feel better, but I really think it is true. And plenty of people get diagnosed with an illness everyday. Just because you don't know about it going into a relationship, doesn't mean one of you isn't going to be diagnosed with cancer a few years down the road. So I don't think CF is a reason to not be in a relationship at all.

I'm sorry if this was a long response, or didn't make sense, I just wanted to offer you a partner's view, especially from someone your own age. And maybe this column might help you. It's not about CF but I think there can be parallels made: <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/08/fashion/08love.html?pagewanted=1
">http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03...ove.html?pagewanted=1
</a>
Anyway I know I did not answer your questions, but I hope my response helped regardless. Enjoy your weekend!

jbird · Jun 5, 2009

Hi BlueBeam,

I don't post too often and I'm usually more of a lurker, but your post got to me. I'm also 23 and my boyfriend has CF, and I thought maybe I could offer you perspective from the "other side."

I look at the CF aspect of my relationship like this: you take what you're given. I happened to fall in love with someone who happened to have CF. So I deal with it, the best that I can. It really is that simple to me. And when I try to look on the bright side, I realize that him having CF has made our relationship stronger and more mature than many people older than us, and that we won't fall apart the first time something goes wrong. We already know what the "in sickness and health" vow means.

Also, anyone who would hold CF against you is not worth being with. I know that may not make you feel better, but I really think it is true. And plenty of people get diagnosed with an illness everyday. Just because you don't know about it going into a relationship, doesn't mean one of you isn't going to be diagnosed with cancer a few years down the road. So I don't think CF is a reason to not be in a relationship at all.

I'm sorry if this was a long response, or didn't make sense, I just wanted to offer you a partner's view, especially from someone your own age. And maybe this column might help you. It's not about CF but I think there can be parallels made: <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/08/fashion/08love.html?pagewanted=1
">http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03...ove.html?pagewanted=1
</a>
Anyway I know I did not answer your questions, but I hope my response helped regardless. Enjoy your weekend!

jbird · Jun 5, 2009

Hi BlueBeam,
 
 I don't post too often and I'm usually more of a lurker, but your post got to me. I'm also 23 and my boyfriend has CF, and I thought maybe I could offer you perspective from the "other side."
 
 I look at the CF aspect of my relationship like this: you take what you're given. I happened to fall in love with someone who happened to have CF. So I deal with it, the best that I can. It really is that simple to me. And when I try to look on the bright side, I realize that him having CF has made our relationship stronger and more mature than many people older than us, and that we won't fall apart the first time something goes wrong. We already know what the "in sickness and health" vow means.
 
 Also, anyone who would hold CF against you is not worth being with. I know that may not make you feel better, but I really think it is true. And plenty of people get diagnosed with an illness everyday. Just because you don't know about it going into a relationship, doesn't mean one of you isn't going to be diagnosed with cancer a few years down the road. So I don't think CF is a reason to not be in a relationship at all.
 
 I'm sorry if this was a long response, or didn't make sense, I just wanted to offer you a partner's view, especially from someone your own age. And maybe this column might help you. It's not about CF but I think there can be parallels made: <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/08/fashion/08love.html?pagewanted=1
">http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03...ove.html?pagewanted=1
</a> 
 Anyway I know I did not answer your questions, but I hope my response helped regardless. Enjoy your weekend!

welshwitch · Jun 5, 2009

Hey BlueBeam,

Everyone has their insecurities. For some of us, CF is one. I totally hear you re: the sickness issue. It's super scary to let friends into your dark situation, let alone a potential girlfriend or boyfriend.

What I've learned over the years is this: you have to get over that to fully commit to a relationship. When you're in a relationship, your insecurities (for better or for worse) have to be out on the table. It's a risk you're going to have to take.

For years I hooked up with guys and then behaved in ways that showed I wasn't ready for a real relationship. When I met a guy I finally really, really, really liked, I threw caution to the wind and a month into dating him I sat him down and told him about my CF. I was ready to get dumped right then and there but instead he gave me a big hug and said, "That sounds so, so so scary for you to deal with." Then he went and called my best friend and my mom to get more information about CF and get their insights about it--he also talked to his family about it. I consider that to be one of the nicest things a guy has ever done for me. Needless to say my family and friends were impressed. We were together 3 years.

Long story short, you're still so young! YOu just need to change your mindset and be honest with yourself and find a girl who is worth the risk. I promise you that having CF does not and SHOULD NOT prevent you from finding the love of your life!

welshwitch · Jun 5, 2009

Hey BlueBeam,

Everyone has their insecurities. For some of us, CF is one. I totally hear you re: the sickness issue. It's super scary to let friends into your dark situation, let alone a potential girlfriend or boyfriend.

What I've learned over the years is this: you have to get over that to fully commit to a relationship. When you're in a relationship, your insecurities (for better or for worse) have to be out on the table. It's a risk you're going to have to take.

For years I hooked up with guys and then behaved in ways that showed I wasn't ready for a real relationship. When I met a guy I finally really, really, really liked, I threw caution to the wind and a month into dating him I sat him down and told him about my CF. I was ready to get dumped right then and there but instead he gave me a big hug and said, "That sounds so, so so scary for you to deal with." Then he went and called my best friend and my mom to get more information about CF and get their insights about it--he also talked to his family about it. I consider that to be one of the nicest things a guy has ever done for me. Needless to say my family and friends were impressed. We were together 3 years.

Long story short, you're still so young! YOu just need to change your mindset and be honest with yourself and find a girl who is worth the risk. I promise you that having CF does not and SHOULD NOT prevent you from finding the love of your life!

welshwitch · Jun 5, 2009

Hey BlueBeam,

Everyone has their insecurities. For some of us, CF is one. I totally hear you re: the sickness issue. It's super scary to let friends into your dark situation, let alone a potential girlfriend or boyfriend.

What I've learned over the years is this: you have to get over that to fully commit to a relationship. When you're in a relationship, your insecurities (for better or for worse) have to be out on the table. It's a risk you're going to have to take.

For years I hooked up with guys and then behaved in ways that showed I wasn't ready for a real relationship. When I met a guy I finally really, really, really liked, I threw caution to the wind and a month into dating him I sat him down and told him about my CF. I was ready to get dumped right then and there but instead he gave me a big hug and said, "That sounds so, so so scary for you to deal with." Then he went and called my best friend and my mom to get more information about CF and get their insights about it--he also talked to his family about it. I consider that to be one of the nicest things a guy has ever done for me. Needless to say my family and friends were impressed. We were together 3 years.

Long story short, you're still so young! YOu just need to change your mindset and be honest with yourself and find a girl who is worth the risk. I promise you that having CF does not and SHOULD NOT prevent you from finding the love of your life!

welshwitch · Jun 5, 2009

Hey BlueBeam,

Everyone has their insecurities. For some of us, CF is one. I totally hear you re: the sickness issue. It's super scary to let friends into your dark situation, let alone a potential girlfriend or boyfriend.

What I've learned over the years is this: you have to get over that to fully commit to a relationship. When you're in a relationship, your insecurities (for better or for worse) have to be out on the table. It's a risk you're going to have to take.

For years I hooked up with guys and then behaved in ways that showed I wasn't ready for a real relationship. When I met a guy I finally really, really, really liked, I threw caution to the wind and a month into dating him I sat him down and told him about my CF. I was ready to get dumped right then and there but instead he gave me a big hug and said, "That sounds so, so so scary for you to deal with." Then he went and called my best friend and my mom to get more information about CF and get their insights about it--he also talked to his family about it. I consider that to be one of the nicest things a guy has ever done for me. Needless to say my family and friends were impressed. We were together 3 years.

Long story short, you're still so young! YOu just need to change your mindset and be honest with yourself and find a girl who is worth the risk. I promise you that having CF does not and SHOULD NOT prevent you from finding the love of your life!

welshwitch · Jun 5, 2009

Hey BlueBeam,
 
 Everyone has their insecurities. For some of us, CF is one. I totally hear you re: the sickness issue. It's super scary to let friends into your dark situation, let alone a potential girlfriend or boyfriend.
 
 What I've learned over the years is this: you have to get over that to fully commit to a relationship. When you're in a relationship, your insecurities (for better or for worse) have to be out on the table. It's a risk you're going to have to take.
 
 For years I hooked up with guys and then behaved in ways that showed I wasn't ready for a real relationship. When I met a guy I finally really, really, really liked, I threw caution to the wind and a month into dating him I sat him down and told him about my CF. I was ready to get dumped right then and there but instead he gave me a big hug and said, "That sounds so, so so scary for you to deal with." Then he went and called my best friend and my mom to get more information about CF and get their insights about it--he also talked to his family about it. I consider that to be one of the nicest things a guy has ever done for me. Needless to say my family and friends were impressed. We were together 3 years.
 
 Long story short, you're still so young! YOu just need to change your mindset and be honest with yourself and find a girl who is worth the risk. I promise you that having CF does not and SHOULD NOT prevent you from finding the love of your life!

RonnieSharpe · Jun 5, 2009

I had a similar feeling when on the dating market. When I would actually care for somebody I would think, "How can I put someone I love through all of the crap and uncertainty that comes with CF". What I learned, and was told by multiple girlfriends, is it's actually selfish of me to close that part of my life off to them. They love me for all of me. Not all of me minus CF. Like it or not, CF is part of the reason you are who you are. For me, CF has allowed me to care more deeply for friends and family, I don't sweat the small stuff, and I love every second of life that I'm able to get out of bed and "conquer" the world. CF played apart in shaping me into the man that my girlfriend is in love with. Without CF, I very well could be a worse person. I think that last thing that you want to do is allow CF to make you a dark and depressed person, cause you're right, not many people would be drawn to that. And here's the deal, if you only expose the negative sides of CF and not the positive affects or the rest of who YOU are, then of course the woman will focus on CF. CF plays a role in who I am, but it's a supporting role, I'm the lead actor.

Please email me at coachsharpe@cox.net if you have any more questions. You can also speak with my girlfriend about how she sees it on her end...as long as you don't hit on her <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

Ronnie

RonnieSharpe · Jun 5, 2009

I had a similar feeling when on the dating market. When I would actually care for somebody I would think, "How can I put someone I love through all of the crap and uncertainty that comes with CF". What I learned, and was told by multiple girlfriends, is it's actually selfish of me to close that part of my life off to them. They love me for all of me. Not all of me minus CF. Like it or not, CF is part of the reason you are who you are. For me, CF has allowed me to care more deeply for friends and family, I don't sweat the small stuff, and I love every second of life that I'm able to get out of bed and "conquer" the world. CF played apart in shaping me into the man that my girlfriend is in love with. Without CF, I very well could be a worse person. I think that last thing that you want to do is allow CF to make you a dark and depressed person, cause you're right, not many people would be drawn to that. And here's the deal, if you only expose the negative sides of CF and not the positive affects or the rest of who YOU are, then of course the woman will focus on CF. CF plays a role in who I am, but it's a supporting role, I'm the lead actor.

Please email me at coachsharpe@cox.net if you have any more questions. You can also speak with my girlfriend about how she sees it on her end...as long as you don't hit on her <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

Ronnie

RonnieSharpe · Jun 5, 2009

I had a similar feeling when on the dating market. When I would actually care for somebody I would think, "How can I put someone I love through all of the crap and uncertainty that comes with CF". What I learned, and was told by multiple girlfriends, is it's actually selfish of me to close that part of my life off to them. They love me for all of me. Not all of me minus CF. Like it or not, CF is part of the reason you are who you are. For me, CF has allowed me to care more deeply for friends and family, I don't sweat the small stuff, and I love every second of life that I'm able to get out of bed and "conquer" the world. CF played apart in shaping me into the man that my girlfriend is in love with. Without CF, I very well could be a worse person. I think that last thing that you want to do is allow CF to make you a dark and depressed person, cause you're right, not many people would be drawn to that. And here's the deal, if you only expose the negative sides of CF and not the positive affects or the rest of who YOU are, then of course the woman will focus on CF. CF plays a role in who I am, but it's a supporting role, I'm the lead actor.

Please email me at coachsharpe@cox.net if you have any more questions. You can also speak with my girlfriend about how she sees it on her end...as long as you don't hit on her <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

Ronnie

RonnieSharpe · Jun 5, 2009

I had a similar feeling when on the dating market. When I would actually care for somebody I would think, "How can I put someone I love through all of the crap and uncertainty that comes with CF". What I learned, and was told by multiple girlfriends, is it's actually selfish of me to close that part of my life off to them. They love me for all of me. Not all of me minus CF. Like it or not, CF is part of the reason you are who you are. For me, CF has allowed me to care more deeply for friends and family, I don't sweat the small stuff, and I love every second of life that I'm able to get out of bed and "conquer" the world. CF played apart in shaping me into the man that my girlfriend is in love with. Without CF, I very well could be a worse person. I think that last thing that you want to do is allow CF to make you a dark and depressed person, cause you're right, not many people would be drawn to that. And here's the deal, if you only expose the negative sides of CF and not the positive affects or the rest of who YOU are, then of course the woman will focus on CF. CF plays a role in who I am, but it's a supporting role, I'm the lead actor.

Please email me at coachsharpe@cox.net if you have any more questions. You can also speak with my girlfriend about how she sees it on her end...as long as you don't hit on her <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

Ronnie

RonnieSharpe · Jun 5, 2009

I had a similar feeling when on the dating market. When I would actually care for somebody I would think, "How can I put someone I love through all of the crap and uncertainty that comes with CF". What I learned, and was told by multiple girlfriends, is it's actually selfish of me to close that part of my life off to them. They love me for all of me. Not all of me minus CF. Like it or not, CF is part of the reason you are who you are. For me, CF has allowed me to care more deeply for friends and family, I don't sweat the small stuff, and I love every second of life that I'm able to get out of bed and "conquer" the world. CF played apart in shaping me into the man that my girlfriend is in love with. Without CF, I very well could be a worse person. I think that last thing that you want to do is allow CF to make you a dark and depressed person, cause you're right, not many people would be drawn to that. And here's the deal, if you only expose the negative sides of CF and not the positive affects or the rest of who YOU are, then of course the woman will focus on CF. CF plays a role in who I am, but it's a supporting role, I'm the lead actor.
 
 Please email me at coachsharpe@cox.net if you have any more questions. You can also speak with my girlfriend about how she sees it on her end...as long as you don't hit on her <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
 Ronnie

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